Do I accept this as divine fate - or terminate?

[Abcd86]

I have just found out I am expecting (very early days max 4wks). This is the result of a one night stand with my children's father. We separated almost 3yrs ago after trying to make things work. We already have 2 DD's who we work as a team to raise with love, respect and integrity. Despite the fact that we are separated we manage to successfully do this and remain very close friends. We have ended up the bedroom on more than one occasion but never a frequent thing, literally one night here and there over the course of the split. Approximately 12 months ago I found myself in this same situation. We agreed that although our DD's are great more babies is not the answer and so a termination happened. My instincts tell me to do the same this time but the fact that I have fallen pregnant from a one night thing for the second time has me questioning whether fate is trying to tell me something? I'm not an overly religious/spiritual person but I do have a tendancy to believe in fate. Myself and my ex have complete respect and love for eachother (although we also have the ability to drive eachother to absolute furious insanity). He is away at the moment so I've chosen not to tell him so he can enjoy the peace and quiet. I'd like to reach my conclusion for myself before he gets back. Obviously if a baby is going to happen we need to try and integrate back into a one unit family as there is no way I could look after all three as a single parent even though he helps a lot. Is there anyone who has experienced this situation who can help me fight it out with myself?

I'm not in the same situation and I haven't been, but I'm happy to try and help until someone turns up who has!

Do you want the baby? There's a lot of practical points in your post but you haven't mentioned if you want the baby, or if you just think you should consider having it because of fate/reoccurrence.

questioning whether fate is trying to tell me something?

No fate is not trying to tell you anything. You are a fertile mammal who mated with another fertile mammal of the opposite sex and your egg was fertilised. This is the biological purpose of your existence.

Condoms. Condoms are what you need. Not another baby.

I think you need to stop shagging your ex without protection.

I think you need to take the "fate" idea out of the equation and just consider whether or not you want a 3rd child. It's not because of fate that this has happened, it's because you and your ex have been irresponsible regarding contraception (multiple times if this has happened before!). Now it's up to you what you do as a result.

This isn't fate, it's a consequence of being totally irresponsible.

Awww, thank you. I'm not sure whether want is the right thing. I absolutely adore my girls (although the school holidays are making that wain a little!) and know that a new baby would be no different. I guess it's an even split between want/not want which is what is most confusing to me. Usually a quick discussion and I have an answer but not this time. My reasons for wanting are that as a family we have a lot of love and there's no bad part in growing that love and giving it to a new child who I have been part of creating. My reasons for not wanting is the having to come clean to my small world that I do indeed have a private life and that myself and my ex are probably closer than most people would recommend (kind of makes me feel like a daughter teenager I guess).

You obviously broke up for a reason so I don’t know why you think a baby will make everything magically better. If you can’t cope with three children by yourself don’t have another one. How are you going to explain to your current children that they weren’t special enough to stay together for but this new baby is?

As a fertile human you having sex (probably unprotected) and getting pregnant isn’t bloody fate it’s a very well known consequence of having sex. That you should have learned from last time.

It’s not fate. It’s lapse birth control. You said that you’d need to get back with your ex if you have the baby - is that what you want? Are you in love? Or is just for practicalities? IME staying together for the children never works

Yup echoing other comments here - not fate at all - completely irresponsible - one termination is just one of those things bad timing/bad father/bad circumstances/bad contraception - two terminations is irresponsible.

Well, you could terminate again, and go on as before, terminating a pregnancy every year or so.

Or terminate and accept that you're shagging the ex and be rigorous with contraception.

Or have a baby. I don't see how that would or must mean you have to live together again. Though I suspect that's what you want.

I'd think through the 'complete love and respect' you have for each other. If that had been the case, he wouldn't be the ex.

Ignoring whether or not you want a new squishy cute thing (I also suspect you still have feelings for you ex and hope a new baby will bring him back to you), you have two existing children who are already living between two homes. Do you think its beneficial for them to have to split their parents resources (time, money, emotional and physical energy) a third way? Do you think it’s beneficial for the hypothetical baby to be brought up living between two homes? Do you each have enough space in your homes for a third child? Do you have a career or plan to have a career that would then have to go in the back burner for another 5 or so years (at least) while you raise baby 3? How is a 5th person beneficial to your family?

Yeah! Sorry guys, I should've clarified the contraception thing. We are responsible with that, completely responsible. In the however many time we've done it there have been a few fails, alcohol can easily affect the correct application of a condom. First time round I was on the pill. I get the biology thing - I did sex education. I don't think it's entirely helpful to scoff at somebody's belief in fate if that's what they believe. What I mean by the fate aspect as that in being responsible and taking precautions this has still happened and happened twice! Many may not see any signs there, I clearly have different beliefs and see a little more to the situation. All my defending is done now because ultimately I'm a content person in life, but others insights are always helpful and I appreciate an honest and insightful point of view. Simply stating "don't shag your ex" does not make a bean of difference now!

For me I would probably see it as fate.. But I also live in the one part of the UK where abortion is still illegal so it wouldn't even be an option..
I think you sound like you are quite happy with the idea of another baby though it it weren't for what other people might think and I would be worried if you have any doubts that you might regret a termination after... Ultimately it has to be your decision. But I think you have been given a bit of a hard time with people saying you've been irresponsible and that means you should terminate..
You make things work for your dds atm and work well with their dad so regardless of whether you get back together in sure you can both manage to continue to work well for the children if you decide to keep the baby..

No it's not fate and nobody is trying to tell you anything. Take that stuff out of the equation and think in cold rationality about whether you want another baby, whether that would affect your existing children negatively, whether it would affect your decent relationship with your ex, whether you can afford it.

Your posts come across as flowery and head in the clouds, all fate and growing love and other hippy dippy shit.
You get pregnant twice by accident at least one occasion being so pissed you can't get a condom on?
I really don't think having a third child at this point in your life is a good idea.

We are responsible with that, completely responsible. In the however many time we've done it there have been a few fails, alcohol can easily affect the correct application of a condom

Then you weren’t responsible!!

I'm new to Mumsnet so don't know how to respond to individual comments but thanks to those of you who have asked some really valid questions. This has taken me from a normally rational person to a person who doesn't know what to think - hence the thread. I will work through the questions posed and will make a conclusion. There's no case of either trying to win either back. I'm not in life to trap people - I admire my ex for making his own decisions and having an independent mind - just for the record our breakup was on my part, I was suffering a great deal after losing my mum and I made him leave because I thought he was causing my sadness. But we really are great friends and both are happy with that now.

I believe in fate OP BUT some things you just have to accept as accident/coincidence etc. I don’t think getting pregnant from a one night stand can really be classed as ‘fate’ when it’s not something extraordinary.

I think if you have this baby, you will confuse your children a lot. If you want this baby, I think you should if you’re prepared to get into a relationship again with your ex. If not then you will really confuse the children even more

Does your ex want to get back together? Are you being fully honest with your situation here? (only you will know that). Are you secretly hoping that this pregnancy (and the previous one) will bring you back together as a couple/family? Why are you both half in half out the water here? If it's been nearly 3yrs post split then may be its time to sit down and really discuss that. Is your ex dating others? Are u dating others? Or are you just both hanging about in limbo?

Head in clouds is accurate. I run my own business from home. I pay my way in life. I pay my taxes. I care for myself and my children in a way that we're all still standing at the end of the day. But yet, head in the clouds describes it!

Put it this way OP, if you don’t have a third child you carry on exactly as before, raising your two children happily with your ex exactly as planned, no disruption to them, your career, your exes career, no having to reshuffle finances, bedrooms, life plans. It all carries on as happily as it has been.

Agree you and your ex need to have a discussion about your relationship. You’re both stalling from either moving on or being together properly. You need to piss or get off the pot. But don’t use a baby to force one outcome.

I think if you don't feel you can handle it without getting back together as a couple, then you should REALLY consider if that's what you want. If you want to have the baby, are you sure you can't do it without getting back together? I only ask because it sounds like you're otherwise in a good place and you're exs for a reason. Getting back together for a baby is unlikely to be successful (in my opinion). A lot to consider. Good luck.

We have both dated but never anything serious. Guess we ended when we didn't really need to but I couldn't see that at the time. I love him, he loves me but getting back together isn't anything we've discussed as we work as we are so until doing so we wouldn't really know. We worked for 10 years before the split.

Also, thanks again!