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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

35w and at breaking point. Don't know what to do.

57 replies

Stroan · 31/07/2019 16:42

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my second DC, very much planned and wanted.

This pregnancy has been tough. HG (mostly severe nausea) kicked in exactly two weeks after the positive test. It took 8 weeks to get any help from doctors as no-one would prescribe the medication that worked until I begged for a termination (please don't judge, i can't forgive myself but I really felt that bad and couldnt take care of my DD). I'm still struggling now but the medication takes the edge off.

I had several big bleeds and infections which were all a bit scary/miserable and added to the overall stress.

I realised at 16 weeks that I wasn't coping mentally and asked for help with anxiety and the guilt of requesting a termination. My referral was rejected by the perinatal team at the hospital I go to (nearest hospital but different NHS area) so had to be redone for the team who covers my address. It took 8 weeks to even speak to someone. The nurse comes out, has a chat, makes me feel a bit stupid and irrational then leaves. There's no action or treatment, no communication with the consultants or midwives at hospital. I haven't bonded with the baby at all and feel like I don't care about him, which I keep bringing up and no-one reacts to.

I also have gestational diabetes, which I had with DD. It kicked in at around 14 weeks and I severely restrict my diet while also trying to manage the nausea. It didn't work so I am now on medication and insulin to manage the diabetes alongside the diet.

DD was a large baby and had shoulder dystocia at birth. I was promised an ELCS in future pregnancies but had to fight for it. That process made me realise how traumatic her birth was and that I had actually suppressed most of the memories from it. My ELCS has now been signed off but a few doctors have suggested I will need some form of treatment for trauma in future. This baby is also measuring very big which adds to my anxiety. I am convinced that I am incapable of keeping the baby safe and that I don't deserve to have a healthy outcome to this pregnancy.

In the last few weeks, my blood sugar levels have dropped and I had a hypo in my sleep. The consultant told me if I had another one, they would admit me for steroids and prepare for an early delivery. I had one last week, they got me to go in for monitoring and then decided it wasn't actually a hypo so set an ELCS date for 39+1.

I haven't done anything to cause my blood sugars to suddenly stabilise and be really low - they sit just above the level that would be considered a hypo. I feel very unwell as a result - often as though I am drunk, shaky, weak, confused, my face goes numb etc. I feel on the verge of a migraine all the time and can't even watch TV or read a book. The doctor says these these are probably just general third trimester symptoms and unrelated to the blood sugars, but they started at the exact same time as my levels dropped.

I can't keep my sugars above the legal level to drive but the doctor doesn't care - she directed questions at my husband to find out if he could manage all the essential driving for things like nursery runs and they somehow all came to an agreement that I would just stop driving. I can't eat more to increase the levels as the baby is already big and that would most likely accelerate growth further.

That leaves me housebound. I have PGP so can't walk far. We live on the outskirts of a town but there's nowhere to walk to, not even a shop or any form of public transport. My family are hours away and my friends are all at work. The days I will have DD, we'll be stuck at home.

I'm aware this sounds dramatic but I feel like a prisoner. I don't enjoy staying at home anyway and now I'm completely trapped. I can't do any of the nice things I had planned for mat leave or even just go out for coffee.

So it's Day 1 of no driving and no company. I've cried all day, until I make myself sick and then it starts again. I didn't feel depressed before (just very anxious) but I definitely do now. I haven't managed to eat or drink, I've barely been out of bed. I feel like no-one cares about how I'm feeling as long as they all think the baby is ok, as though I'm just the vessel that is carrying him. I've started to have some quite scary thoughts about how I can just end all of this. I don't think I would ever do anything but the thoughts are getting a little too real.

I'm at my absolute breaking point and I don't have any options left. My community midwife isn't involved in my care at all because the hospital have taken over. The hospital don't care and the perinatal team aren't doing anything. I have 4 weeks left and don't know how to survive for that long. I asked if the ELCS could be slightly earlier and the consultant laughed.

Sorry this is so long, I didn't want to dripfeed. I know it all sounds ridiculous and that one person couldn't be so unlucky. But I don't know what to do as no-one seems able or willing to step in and help.

OP posts:
Kate3150 · 31/07/2019 17:09

Bless your heart, sending lots of love. I have suffered with anxiety in this pregnancy and am
nearly 21 weeks.
I would strongly suggest going to your GP or midwife and explain how you’re feeling.
Sorry I can’t offer much else in the way of advice. But remember you’re doing amazingly 💜

Kate3150 · 31/07/2019 17:11

Sorry just realised your midwife isn’t involved, could you get to GP maybe? X

Stroan · 31/07/2019 17:12

Thank you. Both my GP and midwife are aware. They can't do anything beyond the previous referrals to the perinatal team. For some reason, no-one will communicate with the hospital team to raise how serious things are.

OP posts:
physicskate · 31/07/2019 17:20

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. Please consider calling Samaritans if you need someone to talk to also!! But please get in touch with someone today. Midwife, gp, a friend who can whisk you out for a coffee this weekend (and they can drive and dh can watch your dd).

I too suffered with really bad pgp and was effectively housebound. It got me down a bit, but I tried to think of it as an excuse to binge-watch crap shows on Netflix and do online shops of things I wanted (but generally not buying them as I would have spent a fortune). I know that sounds trite and trivial, but I just tried to do the things that would get me through a single day. And then the next day.

You're being way too hard on yourself. Please please be kinder to yourself.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One breathe at a time.

GemmaJen · 31/07/2019 17:26

I'm so sorry that you're going through this it sounds awful ☹️

Could you get to triage and tell them that you're having thoughts of hurting yourself and the baby? I can't imagine they'd allow you to leave without some follow up if you shared that information?

Stroan · 31/07/2019 17:37

I can't get to triage tonight, we have no-one who could be with DD and I can't let her witness that. Maybe tomorrow.

I don't know if they would do anything as my mental health care isn't with the same hospital. They don't even mention it in my notes at all, it's like it just doesn't exist to them.

OP posts:
anitagreen · 31/07/2019 18:50

Oh god this sounds awful you are not being dramatic at all I feel I have it bad sometimes with being sick every few days but it's no where near as bad as what your going through. Sending hugs and Thanks to you sounds so bad most local boroughs have a thing called IAPT where you can self refer for CBT it's really good. Try and google it or anxiety support I'm so sorry your going through this x

Stroan · 31/07/2019 19:01

Thanks @anitagreen no IAPT here unfortunately. I'm in Scotland. The Perinatal Team would be the route to refer for treatment and they won't.

There's absolutely no way I would get CBT anytime soon and I can't bear the thought of one more day trapped at home.

OP posts:
Stroan · 31/07/2019 19:06

Sorry, I know people are being really kind and offering helpful suggestions. I just feel like I'm at a crisis point and have nowhere to turn but I know I can't do another day like today.

I've asked DH to contact someone, anyone. No-one is listening to me so maybe they will listen to him if he expresses how serious things have got.

OP posts:
anitagreen · 31/07/2019 19:14

@Stroan that's so bad I can't believe they are not taking you seriously is there a crisis team that you could call for advice or anything like that at all. I'm in London so no idea what it's like in Scotland but I'm so sorry you feel this way x

sparklebumfluffybutt · 31/07/2019 19:23

My god I really feel for you this really reminds me of my last pregnancy (it was horrendous with HG and diabetes). It's mentally and physically exhausting! All I can say it that it will end soon. It's a good idea to get your husband to talk to someone - it has been proven medical staff take men's pain more seriously (so fucked up!) so hopefully having him also state how bad things are might help. Is there anything you can distract yourself with like Netflix? I watched loads of shows to try and distract myself. It was fucking horrendous though. We understand so keep venting here if you need to.

Stroan · 31/07/2019 19:26

No, the symptoms of the low blood sugars are like a migraine. I can't watch TV or read a book. Can barely be in daylight. But the doctors insist it's not related to the low sugars and it's just being pregnant. (Not pre-eclampsia either).

OP posts:
CellarFloor · 31/07/2019 19:36

I went through similar, though now way near as bad, when I was pregnant PGP and carpel tunnel so that I was housebound, couldn't drive or make it up the stairs. I really feel for you. Keep plugging at the midwives until you see a consultant again. Consider yourself a professional pesterer! Poor quality of life was grounds enough for them to induce me.

Can you get a taxi somewhere, just to get you out of the house? Thanks

Alb1 · 31/07/2019 19:37

Have you heard of PANDAS op? They are a charity that help with pre and postnatal mental health problems. I believe they have a helpline, the email is useless as they take a week to reply and a different person replies every time, but the helpline may be useful. They have a closed Facebook page too that you could ask to be added to to see if anyone there has any advice about how to get people to listen. Sorry nobody is listening to you OP, have you met your health visitor yet? They often pop up around this point in pregnancy and they may be able to help?

Each2TheirOwn · 31/07/2019 19:39

OP you shouldn't have to suffer like this. The GP can assume that your symptoms are pregnancy related but you know your body better than anyone else. If you feel like something is wrong (beyond what's expected at this stage of pregnancy) then don't let them fob you off.

Make an emergency appointment with your GP tomorrow and demand that something be done. If you don't feel you can wait till then, call 111 and they will get you an out of hours appointment at your nearest hospital. Your mental health is every bit as important as your physical health, especially now x

FairyDust92 · 31/07/2019 19:47

You need to contact PALS and make a complaint about you and your baby's care. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Like you said your baby is a very much wanted baby. The way you're feeling I think has been caused by your treatment and because hormones/emotions are everywhere in pregnancy it's making you feel depressed and have no self worth. Please don't think you don't deserve a happy pregnancy and a happy ending. I actually felt sad reading your post so can't imagine how you must feel. Just think in 4 weeks you will get to hold your gorgeous little boy that both of you have had a little battle on your hands that you've both overcome. You're both fighters. Keep fighting for you and your baby. I'd definitely make a complaint. Your treatment is not acceptable. Easy to say but please try and remain positive and I hope you can get the help you deserve xx

IVEgottheDECAF · 31/07/2019 19:52

stroan Flowers can you get to hospital tomorrow? Can someone be with DD then? Someone needs to take you seriously this is awful.

Stroan · 31/07/2019 20:30

@ivegotthedecaf hi! Yes, DH is going to work from home and DD will be in nursery. But I've been there three times in a week and they just aren't listening. I feel like I need another medical professional to force the issue if that makes sense?

I KNOW these symptoms are related to the blood sugars because they started the exact same time that my levels dropped. They are classic hypo symptoms and I have no idea why the specialist obstetrician keeps saying that they aren't related.

I could have coped with everything and feeling rubbish if they hadn't also stopped me driving and I'm absolutely furious that they agreed this by getring my husband to agree that he would do nursery runs. I told them in the appointment that it wouldn't help me mentally if I had no independence but they suggested I gave myself one task a day to tick off...

OP posts:
IVEgottheDECAF · 31/07/2019 20:41

I dont know if it would work but could you turn up at A+E? Someone there may listen and back you up with maternity!

RealMermaid · 31/07/2019 20:46

I second the poster who suggested getting in touch with your hospital's Patient Advice Liaison Services. If you go to the website there should be contact details. I would also suggest making a formal complaint to your GP's office and the midwifery team separately. If they do not respond quickly enough, complain to your Clinical Commissioning Group about the service you're receiving (the CCG pays for it!)

It might sound drastic but sometimes formal complaints are the only ways to get wheels turning quickly. Be very clear in your complaint about what you want to happen i.e. that you will consider that they have dealt with the complaint appropriately if for instance they arrange second opinions for you on X,y,z issues and refer you to a proper perinatal mental health service to put in place a clear plan to deal with how you're feeling and support you both now and after the birth.

I also really encourage to get in touch with charities, and seek support that way e.g. another poster mentioned pandas who can give you specialist support - if you can, try calling their helpline tomorrow.

I'm so sorry you've been treated this way, it sounds like an awful situation and I totally understand why you feel the way you do.

Puglover88 · 31/07/2019 20:57

@Stroan sorry you’re feeling so crap! Honestly from what you’re saying about the support you’re getting (or lack of it) I think the only way you’re going to get them to take you seriously and get you some help straight away is to tell them these scary thoughts that you’re having and surely they can’t ignore that - they have a duty of care not just to your baby but to you as well. Like others have said as well maybe you could ring a charity like the Samaritans and see what support they can offer. Big hugs xx

Stroan · 31/07/2019 20:58

Sorry, I haven't been clear. All of my references to the doctors are the obstetric team at hospital. It's a specialist diabetic clinic.

My GP is great but his hands are tied, all he could do was refer me to Perinatal but they don't get involved with the hospital in any way. I don't actually know what the point of them is.

OP posts:
physicskate · 31/07/2019 21:12

Bear with me. Research has been done to suggest that most trauma/ptsd from birth comes from not feeling supported, communicated with, understood and listened to during whatever has not gone to plan (emergency c-section, instrumental birth etc...).

You aren't being listened to. At least, you don't feel listened to. It's their job not just to listen, but to make you feel listened to.

It's very possible that your tough situation is being exacerbated by this... it's without a doubt a difficult pregnancy you're experiencing, but you might be feeling such extreme emotions/ low mood etc... because you feel like everyone's hands are tied and that you aren't being listened to (which evidence suggests you aren't being listened to by the medical professionals caring for you).

PALS. Samaritans. Can you and dh go to triage tomorrow while your dd is at nursery? I do think you need more irl support because you are doing an AMAZING job and you don't know it or feel like it!!

I'm so sorry you haven't been listened to.

WeAreTheFighters · 31/07/2019 22:55

You poor thing. When I started to suffer mentally due to endless illness and complication I was able to self refer to local mental health services. Midwife and GP can refer you but they all seem to allow self referral these days. It will depend on where you live. Can you have a look on your local health authority website, or it may be in your maternity notes, all the services available to access. Happy to help figure this out for you if you say the council area you are in. Understand if you don't want to. It can be a bit confusing to navigate.

Once I got referral through I was fast tracked to counselling. Can be face to face, phone or sometimes online chat. Can be counselling or cbt. You can also contact someone like Crisis who could advocate on your behalf to access proper mental health care, especially if you have suicidal thoughts. They need to start taking you seriously and stop fobbing you off.

WeAreTheFighters · 31/07/2019 23:01

And just want to say that even if the help takes too long and past your due date it is worth getting it set up now, so it is here ready for afterwards, in case you need it. I felt so much better just knowing it was here and who I could contact for help.

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