35w and at breaking point. Don't know what to do.

[Stroan]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my second DC, very much planned and wanted.

This pregnancy has been tough. HG (mostly severe nausea) kicked in exactly two weeks after the positive test. It took 8 weeks to get any help from doctors as no-one would prescribe the medication that worked until I begged for a termination (please don't judge, i can't forgive myself but I really felt that bad and couldnt take care of my DD). I'm still struggling now but the medication takes the edge off.

I had several big bleeds and infections which were all a bit scary/miserable and added to the overall stress.

I realised at 16 weeks that I wasn't coping mentally and asked for help with anxiety and the guilt of requesting a termination. My referral was rejected by the perinatal team at the hospital I go to (nearest hospital but different NHS area) so had to be redone for the team who covers my address. It took 8 weeks to even speak to someone. The nurse comes out, has a chat, makes me feel a bit stupid and irrational then leaves. There's no action or treatment, no communication with the consultants or midwives at hospital. I haven't bonded with the baby at all and feel like I don't care about him, which I keep bringing up and no-one reacts to.

I also have gestational diabetes, which I had with DD. It kicked in at around 14 weeks and I severely restrict my diet while also trying to manage the nausea. It didn't work so I am now on medication and insulin to manage the diabetes alongside the diet.

DD was a large baby and had shoulder dystocia at birth. I was promised an ELCS in future pregnancies but had to fight for it. That process made me realise how traumatic her birth was and that I had actually suppressed most of the memories from it. My ELCS has now been signed off but a few doctors have suggested I will need some form of treatment for trauma in future. This baby is also measuring very big which adds to my anxiety. I am convinced that I am incapable of keeping the baby safe and that I don't deserve to have a healthy outcome to this pregnancy.

In the last few weeks, my blood sugar levels have dropped and I had a hypo in my sleep. The consultant told me if I had another one, they would admit me for steroids and prepare for an early delivery. I had one last week, they got me to go in for monitoring and then decided it wasn't actually a hypo so set an ELCS date for 39+1.

I haven't done anything to cause my blood sugars to suddenly stabilise and be really low - they sit just above the level that would be considered a hypo. I feel very unwell as a result - often as though I am drunk, shaky, weak, confused, my face goes numb etc. I feel on the verge of a migraine all the time and can't even watch TV or read a book. The doctor says these these are probably just general third trimester symptoms and unrelated to the blood sugars, but they started at the exact same time as my levels dropped.

I can't keep my sugars above the legal level to drive but the doctor doesn't care - she directed questions at my husband to find out if he could manage all the essential driving for things like nursery runs and they somehow all came to an agreement that I would just stop driving. I can't eat more to increase the levels as the baby is already big and that would most likely accelerate growth further.

That leaves me housebound. I have PGP so can't walk far. We live on the outskirts of a town but there's nowhere to walk to, not even a shop or any form of public transport. My family are hours away and my friends are all at work. The days I will have DD, we'll be stuck at home.

I'm aware this sounds dramatic but I feel like a prisoner. I don't enjoy staying at home anyway and now I'm completely trapped. I can't do any of the nice things I had planned for mat leave or even just go out for coffee.

So it's Day 1 of no driving and no company. I've cried all day, until I make myself sick and then it starts again. I didn't feel depressed before (just very anxious) but I definitely do now. I haven't managed to eat or drink, I've barely been out of bed. I feel like no-one cares about how I'm feeling as long as they all think the baby is ok, as though I'm just the vessel that is carrying him. I've started to have some quite scary thoughts about how I can just end all of this. I don't think I would ever do anything but the thoughts are getting a little too real.

I'm at my absolute breaking point and I don't have any options left. My community midwife isn't involved in my care at all because the hospital have taken over. The hospital don't care and the perinatal team aren't doing anything. I have 4 weeks left and don't know how to survive for that long. I asked if the ELCS could be slightly earlier and the consultant laughed.

Sorry this is so long, I didn't want to dripfeed. I know it all sounds ridiculous and that one person couldn't be so unlucky. But I don't know what to do as no-one seems able or willing to step in and help.

Thank you @wearethefighters unfortunately I'm already being treated by the local Perinatal Mental Health team. They just aren't actually doing anything. They visit for a chat, mostly make me feel like an idiot and go away again. There's no communication between them and the midwife or hospital team.

Just some advice on the GD. You have to eat (though I know how hard that is with the HG). Restricting your diet completely is not a good idea for either you or the baby. Eating too little risks ketosis which is not great. Getting the balance right of what to eat is incredibly hard and I found NHS advice and support on nutrition for GD absolutely woeful. The advice on the below site worked so much better for me. There's also a related Facebook group which is really helpful for support and advice.

www.gestationaldiabetes.co.uk

In my area I was referred to local perinatal MH team, but also there is a generic MH counselling service. So I figure if the perinatal team are being useless (mine were very slow to respond) then the other service might be an option for you. There are 3 different MH services in my area (they are not maternity specific but will deal with pregnancy MH and fast track)

I undeterred myself from the local perinatal team as I felt overwhelmed by all the available services I had been offered and had so many calls and appointments it was making it worse. So I have no idea if they are any good. I did feel it might be an intrusive service, I prefer my MH care to be somewhat anonymous and removed. But I will use the perinatal team if I end up with PND. My midwife said that they can't do a lot for antenatal depression, which is what I had/have. And they are more there for post birth issues. But it is worth meeting them beforehand to establish a relationship. So maybe that's why they feel a bit useless. I've had better experience via GP, though not great. At least they can prescribe meds and sign you off.
Honestly have a look for alternative counselling services, GP should be able to advise.
If there is none then it will be charities - how about NCT?

You really are going through it aren't you.

I understand I'm 31 weeks, somehow escaped hypermesis this time but have terrible PGP, gestational diabetes and very high anxiety from two previous prem births. I haven't been referred to any mental health team, however I have had a really good team around me this time. I have seriously had to push for it though, which when you are feeling as beaten down as you are is just another difficult task.

I'm shocked they aren't taking the blood sugars seriously, I had a hypo on the weekend and the doctor I saw in triage for reduced movements was not happy at all with my sugar levels and pushed for clinic and scan the next morning. Although, I too didn't find the diabetes team helpful on that occasion.

Firstly I would put in a formal complaint. Push to be seen by your consultant obstetrician and if you aren't happy you are well within your rights to ask for a second opinion from another doctor or another hospital. Also I would recommend attending triage and speaking to someone there and be truthful about your feelings. You sound like you have been really, really let down and you need help asap. I wish I had some more helpful advice

Hi OP, that all sounds objectively shit for you. As someone who had an objectively shit second pregnancy myself I feel for you. This will end, there will be a new set of challenges, but this current situation has a clear end point. For now all you have to do is get through the next four weeks any way you can. Be kind to yourself.

Different reasons, but I also considered termination a few times, and it felt so horrible. Your baby is still somewhat hypothetical, and you have a born living daughter who needs you.

As an outsider, I can see that you considered it not because you don't love your unborn baby, but because you are an incredibly caring, responsible mother who would do anything to meet your daughter's needs. She's so lucky to have you. And once your baby is here, you will love them just the same way. I know you will, because you feel guilty. I thought no you sound like a great mother. Look at all the personal sacrifices you are making for both your children right now.

It's sad for you that you aren't able to bond and enjoy your pregnancy, but it won't hurt your baby. As silly as it sounds to say, they can't read minds. When you hug your daughter the baby gets a nice rush of oxytocin anyway. They are receiving everything they need from you.

During my pregnancy I was told I could call Lifeline (our crisis helpline) every night if I needed to, just to have a cry to someone and get me through this temporary difficult time. I found I didn't need to in the end, luckily. But I was told often these services need to get a certain volume of calls in order to justify their funding, so you would be helping them out by calling.

I'm not in the UK, so can't advise you on who best to call, but if you need to, you are worthy. You are doing something really hard and you just need to do whatever you have to to get yourself through it.

Thank you so much for all the kind comments and for not judging. It's definitely made me feel reassured that I'm not just being silly.

I do really appreciate all the recommendations for longer term solutions and I am making a note of them. I just feel that this is now urgent and potentially a crisis - I don't think it is normal or ok to be having such horrendous symptoms as a result of low blood sugars that I get SO desperate and start having suicidal thoughts. I know it's probably a reaction to how bad the entire pregnancy has been but also don't want to ignore that physically, I'm really suffering just now. That combined with being trapped at home makes it all just too much for me. Again with the melodrama but I've always gone a bit stir crazy if I don't leave the house! I love my home but I don't find being here relaxing, it would never be my choice to just sit here all day long.

I'm angry that my care has been so disjointed and that the hospital team aren't taking any note of my mental health, even when my husband and I both point it out to them. I'm also frustrated that the perinatal team haven't done anything beyond tell me to be assertive.

DH has called my community midwife this morning and asked for advice. He's waiting for her to return his call and see what she says. She doesn't see me for check ups anymore but might know a bit more about how things work.

@NanooCov sorry to alarm you! I follow that website and diet, I'm on the FB group. When I said I restricted my diet, I meant that I cut out all the foods like pasta and crisps that were getting me through the HG. I managed my post-meal numbers via diet really well until this recent spell of very low readings. I do think that doing my own research probably hasn't helped me because the diabetic team don't seem to agree with a lot of the things I've learned on there. They insist that the low numbers are a sign of success, even if I feel horrific and haven't made any changes to achieve them.

@juniperNarni my consultant told me 3 weeks ago that if I had another hypo, they would deliver early. Now they won't believe I've had any. It's beyond frustrating when they change their mind every week.

@quickgettheeggplants thank you, your post really hit home and made me feel reassured that I'm not a terrible person.

Has the mw phoned back yet stroan?

@ivegotthedecaf no, she's in a clinic apparently. I spoke to the on call GP and have an appointment there later. However, she said they wouldn't contact the hospital because as far as they are concerned the hospital have already reassured me.

What about help from a MH side of things?

Frustrating day of chasing people and getting nowhere.

DH left a message with the midwife this morning and chased it twice. He told them I was having suicidal and intrusive thoughts. At 3.30pm I called and was told that she had gone home and would be back on Monday.

I got a GP appointment. She advised me to drop insulin and prove the hospital wrong (could work but I'm not clear on the risks.) She suggested looking up some relaxation techniques to help me get through being stuck in the house. Advised DH to lock away all my medication and make me call the Samaritans. She is happy to phone the perinatal team (in her NHS area) but won't contact the obstetric team at hospital (not her area).

I seem to be the only person questioning why no-one will help me deal with these physical symptoms. They are the direct cause of my awful thoughts, I simply can't be in a position where I can't leave the house for 4 weeks. It's been three days and I'm going absolutely stir crazy already.

Can your mum or another member come to stay to get you through this? I once had vertigo type illness six weeks on my back keeping as still as I could, it gets very depressing.

I think it's the right time to go into triage and not move until they help. This care is beyond shit and you definitely need to put in a formal complaint.

High blood sugars aren't great but an obstetrician told me they are much more concerned about hypos. Go in and be stubborn and if you don't feel strong enough get your husband along and advocate for you. You need help now. I hope you get it very soon. We are all here to talk to as well, you are not alone.

Stroan you are being treated terribly. I cannot believe your gps response to a heavily pregnant woman having suicidal thoughts is relaxation techniques.

I think if i were you i would try a&e, this is an emergency. Your own and your babies life is at risk.

@JuniperNarni I called triage (the sister in charge is really, really wonderful). They didn't advise going in tonight as all the relevant teams have gone home but she said I could go in tomorrow and have a bed in daycare and she would get the diabetic team and doctors to come and see me.

I agree on the hypos, I'm very concerned about placenta deterioration. If my levels were high, they would just give me more insulin to maintain them. It almost feels like I'm being penalised for having good numbers.

@ivegotthedecaf so stupid right? I think they know I won't do actually do anything so aren't taking it seriously but it's really not nice having these thoughts all the time, especially when I haven't bonded with the baby so struggle to think about him in all of this. It's all fixable if they would just listen to me over the blood sugars. Or if another medical professional would stand up for me.

@justasking111 no, there's no-one. My family aren't local and everyone works. And also, I don't think it's right that I should have to do that. This is a treatable issue if people would just take me seriously.

I've just said to my husband that if they won't do anything, then I'm telling them that I'm going to stop eating well and prove that my blood sugars are causing these symptoms.

That is good news about going in tomorrow stroan do you have childcare?

No, DD is at gymnastics camp in the morning so we need to find someone to pick her up.

stroan I'm so sorry to hear you are being treated like this. It's absolutely appalling and they are failing you. Please do go into day care tomorrow and do not leave until they take you seriously. I bet if a non pregnant person presented to A&E with your symptoms there would be a totally different path!
I know you haven't mentioned too much on our September bus, but it's very supportive and I'm sure if anyone is in the same area as you, we could try help you out in terms of getting you out the house etc.

The sister who runs the maternity triage at my hospital is the most wonderful person I've ever met.

The diabetic nurse called this morning, still insisting there's nothing wrong and said I need to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel and there's only 4 weeks left. She said that I could go into daycare if I wanted but nothing will change because my blood sugars are fine.

Triage called to see if I still wanted to come in and I said no, because if nothing is going to happen then I may as well be in a dark room at home where it's a bit more tolerable. So she called my community midwives to tell them she was worried and the team leader is coming out ASAP.

I don't know what, if anything, she can do. But if just one person would take this seriously I might feel a bit better.

That is good news stroan fingers crossed for you

The midwife team leader was brilliant. She is going to organise a multi-discuplinary team meeting with the hospital, community midwife and mental health specialists to make sure that they are definitely all aware of the full picture. She's also going to get me seen by a specialist mental health midwife to make sure a plan is in place for post-birth.

It doesn't help the physical symptoms this weekend but I feel like someone has stepped in to take control, which I wasn't able to do.

@Stroan that’s great - are you happy with that? Hopefully it’s a relief now knowing that there is somebody in charge coordinating things - I know you shouldn’t have had to but well done for pushing for the help you need and not just accepting the lack of support from them. And that’s great that there’s something in place for post birth as well. Keep coming on here to chat as well if you need to! 😊

I think it's probably the best I could expect before the weekend. I would have liked to make some progress on the physical symptoms but since the relevant teams keep denying that there's anything wrong, it's pretty tough.

I have a growth scan and consultant appointment on Tuesday. I won't be holding back. They wouldn't tell a type 1 or 2 diabetic that they are managing their condition so well that they have to put up with being too ill to get out of bed or drive.

Wow, sounds absolutely terrible OP.

Can't advise on the mental side, but as to the hypos: it's reasonably easy to see if the sugar levels are the problem. My mother has type II diabetes and sometimes gets hypos because she needs to inject like you. When this happens, my father gives her a small can of coke (15 ml?) which usually sorts the problem.

In your place, I'd start off by seeing whether a small glass of coke helps. If it does, you have your proof. Then reduce the insulin to an appropriate level that doesn't give you a hypo. I wouldn't drop it completely if your sugar levels are quite high without. If they are not, though, I'd be tempted. Because hypos are, indeed, much more dangerous than mildly raised sugar levels. They could kill you.

Keep in mind that neither the diabetic team, nor the consultant, nor anyone else can force you into feeling like shit or delivering early because they're barking up the wrong tree. They need your consent.

I'm not sure whether sugar levels and hypo symptoms are very individual but they could well be and the 'successful' management they are claiming could actually be too low for you.