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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Worrying for daddy to be

32 replies

JadaMarie · 30/07/2019 12:58

Hey guys,

I found out i was pregnant for the 2nd time last week. I miscarried at 6 weeks in May. I went back on the pill as we couldn't deal with possibly becoming pregnant straight away. I missed a couple of pills, doubled but but apparently...it was ant to happen.

I told partner about it the next day and he isn't happy. He doesn't understand how it could happen. He has said he is worried i have tricked him with it, by not asking the pill and saying i was....which i haven't done. He is just not happy at all. When we found out i was pregnant last time, he was shocked but then was happy about it. We aren't in the best financial position for a baby and i know that is worrying him...We have been together 6 years and this was on the cards for next year but not quite yet.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? has anyone else's OH's not taken it well?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Teddybear45 · 30/07/2019 13:21

If he absolutely didn’t want you to get pregnant, he would have used condoms along with the pill like many men do. Having said that, if the agreement between you both was that you would be responsible for taking the pill / contraception, I do understand his frustration as missing one is very different to missing a couple. Suggest you let him process it but if you definitely want to keep the baby then make it clear that you’ll be doing this with or without him.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/07/2019 13:26

I understand his frustration. I don't understand how a compartment adult can't take one pill a day. Of course doubling up doesn't work!

newmomof1 · 30/07/2019 13:43

It takes a while for the pill to get back into your system properly anyway so if he didn't want you to get pregnant he should have used a condom.

PotteringAlong · 30/07/2019 13:47

To be fair to him, you told him you were taking the pill and you didn’t. You can’t double up - if you take 7 pills on a Monday you’re not protected for the week, are you?

My DH was really shocked when I got pregnant with DS1 because it came about unexpectedly fast and he took a while to get his head round it.

Original poster

JadaMarie · 30/07/2019 13:52

Excuse me guys but when I say double up...I meant we used condoms when I realised I missed them.

OP posts:

PixieLumos · 30/07/2019 13:53

Well it wasn’t ‘meant to happen’ OP - you could say that if you actually took the pill properly and got pregnant, but you didn’t. Honestly, missing a couple of pills and then not saying anything to your OH, doubling up or not (especially multiple times, that’s obviously not going to keep working) - I’m with your OH on this, it sounds like you did it on purpose.

Abhann · 30/07/2019 13:54

Well, if you also used a condom, why on earth is he accusing you of having tricked him? Does he think you pricked holes in the condom with a needle or something?

newmomof1 · 30/07/2019 13:56

Ok sounds suspicious if you're using condoms as well...
You can't have been using them properly so I can understand why he's concerned.

Triskaidekaphilia · 30/07/2019 13:57

When you say double up, did you use condoms for the rest of the month, or only when you missed a pill? Either way, he was aware that you'd missed two before having sex. Does he now think you didn't take any at all?

Original poster

JadaMarie · 30/07/2019 13:57

I think he thinks I missed pills and didnt tell him. I made it very clear when I missed them to him because we would need to take more precautions. So i dont know. I wasnt overly thrilled when I found out I was pregnant because I haven't gotten over my miscarriage.

OP posts:

PixieLumos · 30/07/2019 13:59

Yeah that just makes it more suspicious tbh

newmomof1 · 30/07/2019 14:01

Do you understand how the pill works? You can't just miss one and replace it with another form of contraception.

NChangeForNoReason · 30/07/2019 14:07

@newmomof1 do u know how condoms work? If u miss a pill you can use a condom and be safe!!!

Butters83 · 30/07/2019 14:11

He might be in shock and hurting from the miscarriage as well as you - hes defensive because he is probably scared about it all happening again?
no contraceptive is 100% effective.....

newmomof1 · 30/07/2019 14:11

@NChangeForNoReason yes of course you can use a condom and be safe, but OP wasn't using condoms each time they had sex, only on the days where she hadn't taken the pill

Triskaidekaphilia · 30/07/2019 14:18

@NChangeForNoReason if they used them for the rest of the month it could've prevented conception, which is why I have asked OP to clarify.
But equally, if OP missed 2 pills causing her to ovulate a few days after they'd had unprotected sex, then it would be possible to concieve. I don't know how long it takes to ovulate after 2 missed pills but supposedly sperm can live up to 7 days.

Singleandproud · 30/07/2019 14:19

Sperm can survive for up to a week inside your body. So you may well have taken the pill - had sex- forgotten a pill or two - ovulated and doubled up with a condom next time but the sperm from the previous time was able to fertilise the egg.

Sort of happened to me however it was a severe stomach bug that caused the pill not to work and I had only slept with my partner before the bug that month as we were long distance.

Make the decision of what you want to do as if you were single, if he sorts his head out then brilliant, if not you are prepared to go it alone.

Singleandproud · 30/07/2019 14:20

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Scorpiovenus · 30/07/2019 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MummyBear405 · 30/07/2019 17:07

@Scorpiovenus what an awful thing to say, OP obviously didn't miss her pill on purpose and I imagine it's as much a shock for her to deal with as it is for him.

I can't believe how awful you're all being, isn't this forum meant to be for support? It seems you're all up for a bit of shaming and that's just terrible! It takes a lot of guts to post on here and besides it's so easy to forget to take something like the pill when you're busy with day to day life. If he was that bothered he should have been adamant on using condoms (as if any of you know how the pill works you will know it's not 100% effective even when taken correctly) or kept his dick to himself.

@JadaMarie I'm so sorry for your loss in May, I can't imagine what that must of been like and you're probably still getting over that yourself so I know this wasn't what you'd planned. At the end of the day it's happened and playing the blame game is only going to drive a wedge between you. I think you need an honest and open conversation about how you both feel and what you both think should happen next. It's not going to be a fun conversation but very much needed and whatever happens you need to be on the same team.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do and remember to be kind to yourself, you're doing the best you can and that's all anyone can expect

Triskaidekaphilia · 30/07/2019 17:29

@MummyBear405 I agree that whatever the circumstances (I aknowledge I myself asked some questions to clarify how the DH has got this in his head) some of the comments are overly harsh and based on jumping to conclusions. Even more vile though is the DH trying to blame OP when she's still dealing with a recent miscarriage and didn't want this yet anymore than he did.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/07/2019 17:35

OP says she didn't want this....

devilishlygood · 30/07/2019 17:59

Goodness, you poor thing OP! There are some truly hideous people lurking here to jab at any misfortune that befalls another. I hope they continue to live such oh so perfect lives, never making a poor judgement call or mistake or whatever! What privileged individuals they are.

My best friend suffered three miscarriages. Then discussed with her partner trying again. They got pregnant the month after the third MC. He was a total asshole about it! Unfortunately, he accused her of pressuring him, of targeting him while he was vulnerable, of emotionally blackmailing him...it was such an awful time for her and she WANTED this baby so much.

To be honest, he had a lot of his own demons, he worried about being at fault for the miscarriage and his dad had left when he was a baby so he worried whether he could even be capable of parenting. My GF was anxious the WHOLE pregnancy that he would just not come home from work one day. She didn’t press him to engage. He didn’t come to many appts. I think she held a lot in, but he really put her through it.

He went to the 20w scan, they got sexed and he found out that he was having a son. It changed his whole persona. Suddenly he could engage with this little person, HOS little boy. He’s still a shitbag as far as I’m concerned, and what a total PRICK for not just being a better person, an adult, when my GF was vulnerable and scared. But he IS a great dad.

JadaMarie92 · 31/07/2019 08:58

OP here. I got so upset by the awful comments, i was sick of the updates so deleted everything. Then i thought i would rise above it.

Thank you for those that are giving me nicer comments. Honestly, i didn't come here to get judged or shamed as i didn't do anything wrong despite what some people may think or say.

I spoke to my OH yesterday and broke down about it. I even said that if he thinks we shouldn't keep it, then we can consider that. He said he is ok and he wants to keep it. he said he doesn't really think i tricked him but it was a worry. He said he knows i wouldn't do it on purpose. It is just a shock an he is coming around to he idea again. He said after it happened last time and then I had a MC so quickly, and now its happened again, he is worried something bad will happen again. He said he is starting to become happy about it now the shock is wearing off.

I think some of the comments on here, are awful. They have been so upsetting. I made a mistake with not being great with taking the pill but i shouldn't get judged like this. There will be people out there that have done much worse than this, where they have genuinely tricked them and don't care.

I had so many plans for next year which i now have to change. Holiday to Las Vegas in March which i now have to cancel as i will be too heavily pregnant, I got a new job last week which i wouldn't have done if i was going to get pregnant as i get enhanced maternity pay where i am now and more support than my new job, planning other holidays through the year so me and oh can enjoy being together before we added a 3rd person. I wouldn't have done all of this if i was tricking him which he agrees with.

So again, thank you for the kinder comments i really appreciate it.

newmomof1 · 31/07/2019 09:16

I'm glad you've been able to talk so openly with him and that this is what you both want.

I hope everything goes well for you throughout the whole pregnancy.

Word of advice for when you have given birth - if you breastfeed you can't take the pill but there are alternatives (like the mini pill) and you can get apps that remind you to take it, and you can tick off each day that you've taken it to avoid big surprises in the future.

I wish you all the best, it's a massive life changing thing to have a baby but it's the most magical experience (although it's not always a bed of roses so don't expect it to be!).

congratulations & good luck

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