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Pregnancy

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Original poster

query re:night time feeds when fiance is back to work

79 replies

BabanOnTheWay · 21/07/2019 12:33

Hi all, so i am just wondering what the general consesus is with sharing nighttime feeds once fiance goea back to work ? From talking to my friends it seems that there is a 50/50 split. Some feel daddy should still get up and share the feeds as u will have the baby all day, where others feel as they wouldnt want daddy being tired in work they were happy to do the feeds. What do you think ? Thanks

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Figgygal · 21/07/2019 20:52

When bf in the early days I did them all
When moved to ff was a mixture of me doing it all and dh getting bottles but I did the actual feed/settling

Dh had a long commute and did the school run for ds1 so I didn't mind taking them on

Creatureofthenight · 21/07/2019 20:55

I don't really get the impact of tiredness from night feeds though it takes what half n hour max then another four hours sleep etc, then up again for half hour I don't think they are that bad maybe I was lucky I'm not sure
You were lucky
I am sure!
I did all night feeds as was EBF. DH would occasionally get up to keep me company especially at weekends, and also if DD was unsettled, but as I was going to be up anyway I didn’t see the point in both of us being knackered!

NotSoThinLizzy · 21/07/2019 21:00

What we are going to do when this one is born is between the times of 8pm-12 OH is doing feeds then it's me. So OH still gets the full 8 hours and I can nap while baby is napping hopefully 😂 will have a toddler too so I'm doubting this

anitagreen · 21/07/2019 21:03

Is anyone due around Christmas though or early January? I think it'll be nice getting up to do night feeds with the Christmas tree up and fairy lights that's all I'm focusing on at the moment lol

rainbowheart · 21/07/2019 21:04

I done all the night feeds because I was home and my husband was at work.. i personally think it's unfair to ask him to get up in the night when he has to work the next day. I used to go to bed early if I was tired.. and he would do the last feed at like 9/10 so that I could get a solid few hours before baby woke for his first night feed.

However now I'm back at work I still do all the nights, although they are few and far between now.. it's really hard to be up at night and go to work the next day. X

anitagreen · 21/07/2019 21:05

@NotSoThinLizzy mine were born 18 months apart so when my son had his feeds my DD would have CBeebies on or something settle her with a blanket and bottle and she would eventually take a nap if I timed it right but it was so hard at first, especially dealing with the jealousy because she didn't understand I can't just drop the baby for her. I remember the first time I moved into this house with both of them my son was 6 weeks old she was 18 months and they both began crying for a feed and her dinner and I just burst into tears thinking what have I done! Couple hours later was all okay. But I'm dreading it this time round I'll have a 4 year old 3 year old and a newborn

TryingAndFailing39 · 21/07/2019 21:12

I never expected my husband to get up in the night when he was working and I was on mat leave, and also his job would be dangerous if he was too tired. When I went back to work he did help a bit more but I still did more due to the nature of our day jobs. 2 of my dc woke in the night until they were 1!

blahblahblabblahblah100 · 21/07/2019 21:37

We bottle fed from the start.
Husband does the lazy feed and puts to bed, I do the night feeds. If our boy is up from 5.30-7.20 husband has him and I sleep, then I get up when he goes to work. At the weekends my husband started doing nightfeeds, but didn't work for us as I was still shattered as I then got up with baby early...so now, we do the same as we do all week, but I stay in bed until whenever I want to catch up 😊 works well for us...husband works long days and it's his own business, so we need him to be able to do his job properly, as without it we get no money 🤷🏻‍♀️

FreeButtonBee · 21/07/2019 21:43

I’d get home to do last feed before bed (11pm) or else get up when the little fucker wakes at 5.30am and let you stay in bed til 7/7.30/whatever works for your family.

All to be reassessed if/when you go back to work.

timeisnotaline · 21/07/2019 21:43

I had terrible sleepers who barely went to bed at all so would wake dh when I couldn’t stay awake anymore and have all the weekend lie ins. He could have done more to be honest and will next time but I think the one who goes to work gets more sleep although no they don’t deserve their 8 hours while you struggle on. So depends on the baby- if you get 6 hours a night or two four hour chunks then let the one who goes to work sleep, if they cry non stop between 8pm and 5am then you alternate between you as best as you can.

MonkeyTrap · 21/07/2019 21:45

DH has never done a nightfeed because baby is EBF.

I personally think we can nap during the day when the baby naps and don’t need our brain power, so should do the night feeds, if FF it would be nice if Dad can help on his days off.

NotSoThinLizzy · 21/07/2019 22:13

@anitagreen I'm sure I'm going to have a few of them moments too. Still breastfeeding toddler so hes going to be in for a shock when baby comes. Hes just not ready to come of yet 😂 will be mix feeding this one as I cant take another god knows how long.

anitagreen · 21/07/2019 22:26

@NotSoThinLizzy oh bless him it is a big shock to them I've spoken to them about a baby joining us but I don't think they understand really at all so it'll be interesting to see what it's actually like when the baby's here I'm quite excited lol. I've seen a photo before of a mum Bf a newborn and a toddler very sweet i never bf my other two but I'm going to try with this one, that thought scares me as I've heard it's quite hard and painful at first! X

NotSoThinLizzy · 22/07/2019 07:26

I won't lie it can be hard going at 1st but after about 6 weeks it becomes more like a routine 😊 as long as baby is happy and fed that's all that matters

Cazziebo · 22/07/2019 07:43

Imagine how shit his wife would be looking and feeling if he didn't take a share.

If she's not working she can take it easy during the day? I wouldn't compromise family income by insisting whoever works out of the home has to work an 8 hour day -plus commuting time- on little sleep.

53rdWay · 22/07/2019 07:48

Baby 1, hellish sleeper - I did all feeds (bf) but DH did nappy change in the early days, some resettling when that took ages. On really tough nights we took it in shifts. Once I was back at work we split it more 50/50.

Baby 2, less hellish - I did almost all wakings, DH did nappy changes in the first few weeks then took the baby after 6/7am so I could rest for an hour or two.

Dont plan too rigidly in advance. Wait until you know what your actual baby is like, and whether napping in the day is an option for you (it isn’t for everyone).

With #2, if I did all night wakings I was tired the next day but basically fine. With #1, I was exhausted to the point where it was dangerous, falling asleep while holding baby on sofa, walking out into traffic because I couldn’t work out traffic lights. No way was DH going to get an uninterrupted 8 hours a night if it left me in that state!

53rdWay · 22/07/2019 07:49

oh, and ‘take it easy during the day’ does not make up for not getting the basic amount of sleep a human needs to function!

MindyStClaire · 22/07/2019 08:15

If she's not working she can take it easy during the day?

Not if the baby will only nap on her, or if she has older children at home to take care of. And if the baby is a terrible sleeper for a long time (which I'm guessing is the case if the dad doing half the feeds is still looking like shit after months), no amount of resting during the day will make up for that.

Cazziebo · 22/07/2019 10:44

oh, and ‘take it easy during the day’ does not make up for not getting the basic amount of sleep a human needs to function!

With few exceptions, it's easier - and safer - to take it easy if you don't have to go out to work than if you do. Some babies are more difficult than others, but generally, they all nap at some point. Sleep when they sleep. Can't do. that if you're an ambulance driver or a bank clerk.

TryingAndFailing39 · 22/07/2019 11:19

Can't do. that if you're an ambulance driver or a bank clerk.

This.
Unless my dc were poorly I never expected my dh to get up past midnight as his job would have significant risks if he was sleepy. I’m a teacher and although having a sleep deprived teacher isn’t ideal, no one would die if I went to work knackered!

MindyStClaire · 22/07/2019 11:24

Sleep when they sleep will make up for an occasional bad night, or a routine where you're up briefly once or twice as standard. But if the baby sleeps on you during the day, it's dangerous to be too tired - I found myself nodding off more than once a day with DD snoozing on me (reflux, couldn't sleep lying flat). It's also not safe to be driving around with a baby in the back while sleep deprived, especially if the baby is crying.

Every baby is different and every family is different, but no couple should find themselves in the situation where one is seriously sleep deprived while the other is getting a full night like they did pre kids. Sure, it makes sense for the one on maternity leave to do more, but it's often not possible for them to do ALL, or for the working parent to get an uninterrupted night's sleep.

I'm conscious this thread is on the pregnancy board and will be read by people expecting their first with no idea of what lies ahead (that was me two years ago). I don't think couples should come to hard and fast agreements about sleep before the baby arrives because frankly it's impossible to know how things will go and the dad needs to be realistic about the fact he will likely need to do some overnight parenting.

Sleep deprivation is literal torture and I don't think a woman's mental or physical health should be compromised simply because the man is in paid employment (sleep deprivation being linked to PND for one thing). We should be valuing unpaid caring roles as well as paid employment.

MindyStClaire · 22/07/2019 11:30

@53rdWay I think we had similar experiences .

peachgreen · 22/07/2019 11:42

DH was at home for 3 months after DD was born as I was really ill so I did nights and he did mornings. Then we switched to alternate feeds when she was just waking twice a night, and then alternate nights when she started only waking once a night. Even when he went back to work we still did alternates because he found that a day at work was easier than a day at home with the baby so was happy to contribute!

53rdWay · 22/07/2019 12:39

generally, they all nap at some point. Sleep when they sleep.

Hahaha. My first baby only slept on me, and preferably when I was moving. Bit tricky to ‘sleep when they sleep’ in those circumstances.

I have done a full-time job with a baby that woke repeatedly at night. It’s rough but it is, generally, doable. This idea that mothers at home can power through any level of sleep deprivation, even when like me they are walking out into traffic because of it, but men can’t be expected to ever have any less than 8 hours because they’re At Work is bollocks, sorry.

‘Taking it easy’ at home is the answer for when you’re a bit tired and worn down. It’s not a fix for massive, crippling sleep deprivation.

53rdWay · 22/07/2019 12:42

(and I could nap during the day more easily when I went back to work - used to sleep on the train...)

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