Elective Caesarean

[C0ok1e]

Hi everyone! I've just had my 12 week scan and we're due at the end of January 😊 baby is healthy and at the right size.
I just wanted to see your opinions on elective caesareans and my reasons why I am considering. Please do tell me if I am being unreasonable this is my first baby, but my partners third.
A quick overview into our situation, like many dads he has his children every other weekend and since the breakdown of his marriage in 2015/2016 he has very little to do with his ex-wife. She refused contact with his children and he had to go through the courts to gain contact. This has been in place for a year - after being refused contact for 18 months. We have tried on numerous occasions to arrange alternative weekends to see the kids due to weddings etc - which we have unfortunately missed due to her lack of communication and unwillingness to change plans. This is something that's been really upsetting, i missed my best friends wedding last year because she wouldn't let my partner swap his weekend contact, we have rearranged moving house, holidays etc to accommodate her. I know this might not sound like a huge deal but this is just the surface of the situation, she has recently accused my partner of stalking her and took him to court for a non molestation order, it did not hold up in court and was thankfully thrown out. With the current situation we are in I am absolutely terrified of going into labour when he is meant to be picking the kids up or when we are meant to be having them (she refuses to even be involved in the handovers of the children and we have to go to her mothers). As i know there is no way he will be able to for one even tell her that I am in labour (she will only communicate over email) or be able to take the children back to her. I'm scared the whole experience will be ruined by him not being around or not totally with me because he's trying to sort arrangements for the kids. Please tell me if i am being irrational and sounding selfish or crazy. I am massively insecure about the situation, this is all new to me and while it's special and i feep incredibly loved and cared for in the back of my mind it's always nagging me that he's done it all before and isn't thinking the same way as me.
Xxx

I wouldn’t have a caesarean based on that.

I’d just have a really great other birthing partner to be there with you, should he need to go.

I had a caesarean and DH had to leave about 3 hours after it to pick up his son. He has him 60% of the time though so there was a fair bit of back and forth every few days during my ‘recovery’. I think I would have preferred to have a vaginal birth, much better chance of a shorter recovery time after birth!

Can’t you arrange for someone else to have the children if it falls on his contact weekend? What about your DP’s parents? Or the ex’s mum if that’s where you usually collect from? Failing that, arrange for another birthing partner just in case. Personally I think it would be a crazy reason to have a c-section. If it’s your preferred mode of delivery then fair enough but it doesn’t sound like it is.

I don't think this is a valid reason for a caesarean.

Can he not have someone else on standby just in case?

Thanks for your replies! Unfortunately alternative arrangements aren't an option. Myself and my partners family all live up north so it's not a quick drive to come down at short notice. I'm literally dreading that he might not be around, this is the only baby that we're going to have and the negative impact that the situation in regards to the ex has had on our lives so far has been awful - I know by being with him this is the life I chose so I can't complain. I've wanted a baby for a long time but until my head was in the right place we haven't done so - I've been scared that he wouldn't love our baby as much as he loves his kids, I KNOW how irrational and crazy that is and completely untrue. If he isn't there for the birth I will be absolutely crushed.

It is major abdominal surgery and you will feel the impact of that for the rest of your life. Get a family member to help out with the kids or hire a nanny.

Are any of your family retired? Have them come stay with you starting around week 36 or whatever makes sense given the custody schedule.

Also, would an elective section mean that you can pick the specific day? That's a genuine question, I always assumed you'd just be given a day that the hospital could fit you in 🤷‍♀️

I had a planned c section for medical reasons, I wouldn't think of having major surgery (and it is!) to stick to your timescale for DP kids. There are loads of issues after and it took 6 weeks for me to begin to do normal every day tasks on my own.
Even if you do try and have a planned c section there is no guarantee you will be able to book it on a day that's not going to clash with having DP kids.
Mine was scheduled for a Friday but ended up having it on Wednesday (another story!), if you have complications you could be in hospital for a long time.
Plus I really don't think any consultant/registrar will agree to perform a massive high risk operation for your reason. It's not the best option for child birth.
If DP ex is as bad as she sounds, his kids will realise it when they are older that she was the one making contact hard.

Changesat30 you're just given a date and time that they have free, you can't book in advance and request a day

You can choose to have an elective section for any reason you like. You may have to fight for it though.

But realistically speaking even if you did have an elective section, it doesn't mean you will get to choose when it happens and you may still have complications that involve you having to stay in. Even if you got a date that worked for you, because it would be electuve, if there were several emergencies you could quite easily be bumped to another day. You have to really think it through

If you want a CS, you should have one. Your baby, your body.

I'm so glad i asked, thank you all for you advice. I'll speak to my partner this evening as this is all i seem to worry about which is mad i know! Pregnancy in general hasn't worried me at all and the notion of childbirth isn't worrying me just that there's a possibility he won'tbe there! @notsurewhattotype that's just the tip of the iceberg I can't even bring myself to write the other things she has tried to pull in the past two years!

I very much doubt you'd be able to get one on the nhs, & privately they cost £5000+

You can have an elective section booked in, but having a date in the diary doesn't you going into labour before then.

Your partner needs to speak to his ex's mum, it sounds like they're on civil speaking terms at least. Hopefully, as a mother and grandmother, she'll be open to helping given the situation.

Also have a back up birthing partner - a good friend or relative. Although to be honest the midwife was far more helpful for me than my husband was!

Privately they cost a hell of lot more than 5k- I’ve had one and that wouldn’t even come close to covering the consultant’s fee! I did get to choose my day well in advance though.

Based on friends experiences I don’t think that’s the case with the NHS- they seem to leave it late to give you a date, you don’t get to choose and they often postpone if they have too many emergencies that day. So it may not be the magic solution. I know you say your family isn’t local but is there not anyone that could come and stay with you?

You can of course request a c-section for whatever reason you like. I however would not be undergoing major surgery for the sake of another woman. (I say this as someone who has experience of natural and c-section).

Why didn't you go to your best friend's wedding?

@OrchidInTheSun because she point blank refused to respond to any of my partners requests to change child arrangements, she will only communicate through email and picks and chooses what she responds to, he tried to pass on messages through her mother who doesn't return his calls. His mum had to drive 3 hours the other weekend because the kids were off school and she had already told them he was off work and they were staying with us - which was not discussed or agreed by him before she told the kids. The woman is dispicable. I'm keeping our due date a secret as i don't want her getting wind of when it is, i literally wouldn't put anything past her unfortunately.

I wouldn’t put yourself through major surgery, and the recovery from major surgery, for those reasons.
There are no guarantees that baby wouldn’t come before your elective section day anyway.

You can have an elective section booked in, but having a date in the diary doesn't you going into labour before then.

Yes this.

They won’t give you an elective until 40 weeks ish and that’s even if they agree. So you’ve still got a big risk that you’ll just have the baby on a day you don’t choose anyway.

You have some time to plan this. First labours usually (but not always!) go on for a while and you can do the first few hours at home so you might well be able to get relatives to travel down to take the kids. Worst case you call them down, wait at home a few hours, go to hospital and he joins you a few hours later. Someone being on call 3 hours away will generally be ok, you don’t need someone round the corner.

What about the kids grandparents/ her parents that he collects them from? Are they reasonable and would they take them if he drops them?

Do you have any friends you can ask to be your birth plan in the worst case scenario that he can’t be there at all? (Relatively unlikely).

It’s 2/14 days they are there so chances are anyway that you’ll be ok. And then if you do go into labour over that weekend it’s very, very likely that it would take 12+ hours and you’d be able to get your or his parents down in time. I assume it being a weekend when he has them will help with people’s availability.

I've had very positive experiences with sections - back to pretty much normal within a week, and a much easier recovery than most of my friends who had vaginal births, so for me, I'd always err on the side of caution and go for a section!

I got some control on the date for both sections - Dr sat down with calendar, asked if date was OK etc, but I live near a small, very attentive hospital. They like if possible to do them at 39w, so check your dates as to whether that would be good or bad for you.

It might be 'major abdominal surgery' but except for vanity reasons (I have the dreaded c section tummy) it's an exaggeration to say it has lifelong concequences. I have a barely viable scar along my knicker line. But I also have a fully intact pelvic floor and no scarring on my genitals, so it's pretty even really.

The question is what type of birth you want, and whether your are happy with the idea of surgery.

If you want an elective section just for control over the date then I wouldn’t recommend it. I used to work on a busy maternity unit and elective sections would often be bumped to the next day or longer if we were too busy with emergencies to fit them in. Also as PP said you may go into labour earlier anyway.

How old are the children? Your partner needs to tell the ex that if you are in labour then unfortunately he will have to drop them back to her or her mother for the of the weekend.

Thanks so nuch everyone for your insights :) i know the chance of going into labour while we have his kids are actually quite slim it's just something i worry about- probably unnecessarily! We have talked about both births but I'll speak in more depth about it with him - it's so nice talking to other people about it!
@Hugtheduggee what reasons did you give for your c sec? Do you live in the uk?

Also I would think about whether you could either take the kids to weddings etc. with you or go without your partner. If he had them living with him full time you would have to manage and their weekends with their dad should really take priority over other social activities.

I am a stepmother with EOW contact so I do appreciate it’s tough when they’re not yours but I would only ever ask to swap weekends in exceptional circumstances. I can understand the ex not wanting to keep changing their routine, especially with a new half-sibling on the way that might make them feel less wanted.

You could have gone but you chose not to. She is controlling how often and when he sees his children but you are allowing her to control your life.

You asked if you're sounding irrational - you are.

Honestly, you cannot control the way she behaves but you can absolutely control the way you respond to her. If you know she is enormously reluctant to let your partner see his children at all, why would you think she will accommodate your wishes to swap weekends to suit you? Of course she won't.

You may need to find a babysitter who can step in at short notice - they're out there. But please don't put yourself through a caesarean for convenience which is what you're asking. It's a hard operation