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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

3rd child at 40 not sure what to do. Think I may regret keeping it.

39 replies

Twistiesandshout · 13/07/2019 17:40

Hoping anyone having been through similar may have some wise words.

I have a 9yo dd and 7yo ds. Am 7 weeks pregnant. I could write so much here but the crux of it is financially, life style, age, age gap, impact on our balanced life I’m not sure if I can do this.

Just wondering: Did anyone else feel similar? What choice did you make and are you happy? Thanks xx

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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NiceRadFem · 13/07/2019 17:42

I chose not to. My situation at the time was complicated. I do not regret it but if my situation was different I would have liked to have a third child. I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

PickYerWillyCircus · 13/07/2019 17:52

My first was when I was 21, my last was a surprise at 40. I felt really conflicting emotions at the time and was really in denial all through my pregnancy. I'd suddenly gone from being a young mum to an old mum in one fell swoop.
Turns out, last one is an absolute blessing, my easiest (so far) in every way. I don't know if I'm older, wiser and more relaxed but am a much better parent this time round.

Original poster

Twistiesandshout · 13/07/2019 18:00

Thanks both. This is tearing me apart. I’m not sure I can go through with ending it but I wish it had never happened and am terrified of carrying on.

Dh is negative about it and I don’t think will be supportive, I was looking for a new job after redundancy so this would be the first baby without mat leave/a job to go back to. I feel carrying on could ruin our family life in many ways but ending it may ruin me emotionally.

OP posts:

onemorecakeplease · 13/07/2019 18:04

I have children the same age as you and am 39.

I don't think I could go back to the baby days and financially it would be a disaster for us.

Life is so much easier now the children are independent. In my heart I think a baby would be lovely but my head knows it wouldn't really....

NiceRadFem · 13/07/2019 18:06

You have a choice, though, to recognise that whatever happens is your decision - you have agency to say it in a poncy way. Either way.

I also wanted to reassure you about the emotional side of it. You may grieve for a possibility but you may also be surprised at the relief you feel. I was actually surprised about how much I did not regret not having a third child, and felt it was the best choice for me and my family.

JemimaPuddlePeacock · 13/07/2019 18:23

OP, for many women who have terminations it’s not necessarily an impossible decision they struggle with forever in the way many make it out to be.

You’re so early in the pregnancy. It’s entirely your choice but I get the sense you really do not want or feel prepared to continue with this pregnancy, and that’s absolutely okay. Please feel no shame if you decide to end it. We are so lucky to live in a country where we can access safe legal abortion as a normal part of healthcare. I support whatever decision you make, but please listen to your gut.

NoSquirrels · 13/07/2019 18:27

Why do you feel that a termination would “ruin” you emotionally? If you can try to unpack why you believe that it might be helpful.
I have terminated a pregnancy and do not regret it. Bringing a life into the world is a big responsibility, as you already know as a parent.

NiceRadFem · 13/07/2019 18:34

I think the message we receive from the media, fiction, many other narratives is that a termination is a terrible experience. And before hand I was terrified about it and was a nervous wreck when I had the termination done - however I was surprised by the absolute relief and sense that I did the right thing afterwards. I do to mean to be callous of course, but that was not a baby - it was the "possibility" of a baby that I decided to terminate. Like you I was at the very beginning of pregnancy and I am actually surprised on how well I took it mentally. It is a kind of taboo in our society to say "I had an abortion and was totally ok with it".

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/07/2019 18:35

I had my youngest in my late 30's after a 9-year gap and he has bought me nothing but joy.

I have no advice because I don't know what is best for you but focus on what is actually important not things like age gap or stunned husband. Can you emotionally cope with abortion, because of nothing else really matter for me.

Coffeeonthesofa · 13/07/2019 18:44

I had a termination when I was 20 and then had two children and a miscarriage and then had another termination at 42.
The terminations were both for unexpected pregnancies, and I chose to terminate for very different reasons.
I have never regretted the terminations, never thought what if and was just happy that I had the option of having early terminations. Emotionally, long term I was fine.

Original poster

Twistiesandshout · 13/07/2019 19:00

Thank you all so much for all your wise words. Ive really teared up a bit. Ruin may not be the right word (highly emotional and hormonal right now).

I’m grateful termination is an option, I think the reality of the repercussions may be hard for me to handle (my dearest friend is pregnant (12w) with her first after years of miscarriages so I know whenever I’m with them it would be the potential of mine). In fact I worry I’ll miss the potential of every life stage and event forever.

I just wish it had never happened at this time.

OP posts:

hopefullyhelpfully · 13/07/2019 20:24

I was in your situation (children were seven and 12). I chose to terminate. I love my children but the thought of starting again with nappies and no sleep and a big age gap was terrible. I'd also just got my career back on track and was loving work.
I terminated and waited to feel guilt... felt nothing but relief. It was absolutely the right choice for me and my current family and I am so grateful I live somewhere that allows me to make this choice easily.

Rachelover40 · 13/07/2019 21:27

If I had two children aged 9 and 7, I would definitely not have wanted another.

If your husband isn't supportive it would be difficult to go ahead and have a baby. However, people do and the baby of the family is usually greatly cherished by the entire family.

No one can make your mind up for you, Twisties, it's a tough one. All we can say is what we would do or think we would but it's entirely up to you.

Weigh up the pros and cons carefully.

dementedma · 13/07/2019 21:38

it's a tough call. i was 38 when unexpectedly pregnant with DC3. DD 1 was 12 and DD2 was 9. the pregnancy was unexpected and unwanted until I had a threatened miscarriage at 12 weeks. and then, with all my heart I wanted this baby to live.
he did, (they suspect he was one of twins and I lost the twin) and is now 17. i twas bloody hard. I was self employed at the time and God, it was tough. But when I see the young man he is now, I don't regret it for one second. do what is best for you OP.

Rtmhwales · 13/07/2019 21:43

Not me, but my sister was pregnant and felt like a termination would be best. Then she felt guilt about it and everyone said oh you never regret the baby you have. But she does. She loves him dearly (he's 11) but she wishes she hadn't had a child because the changes to her life were too much.

It's a toss up of which action you'd regret and none of us can possibly know what would be best for you in this situation.

kkl1 · 13/07/2019 21:49

Hey op sorry u are feeling like this it is ur choice what you chose but I don't think you would regret keeping the baby when he/she is here u have valid reasons to not have a baby but there is never a right time to have a baby my third came at a massive shock and I was very scared and worried I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant feeling him move around and I'm so happy and feel so much love for him already my other children are 8 and 6 and I really thought I was done I didn't won't no more children but I'm so happy and now content that he is actully coming have a termination could make u regret something that u can not undo but if u feel strongly anoth to have one then you have every right todo so but as much as u are strongly saying about having another child you still are doubting it and that's where I see you may regret it a lot of people I no that have had doubts an had the abortion are very emotional wrecked by it but the people that were very head strong are okay about it and the people that were in to minds that kept it are very happy with there life u really need to think carefully so it doesn't make u feel down after wards for a long time wishing you all the best xx

FinallyGotAnIPhone · 13/07/2019 21:59

I am 41 and have just had my third (baby is 3 months old). I have children in year 4 and year 1. This baby is with a different partner to the first two. I wasn’t overly excited when I was pregnant to be honest - find my other two hard enough work- as soon as the baby came though it all changed and I am full of love 😍.

HeyAreYouOk · 13/07/2019 22:15

I had my 3rd child at 40 and it was very hard for me. I think I had depression (not just PND as seemed to start during the pregnancy) and it is horrible to say but I regretted having my DC every single day. I woke up with a sinking feeling every day for years.

Slowly it passed. Now my dc3 brings such joy to my life. I am truly glad I went through with the pregnancy. However some days I still think about how it would have been if I had not. I have quite a few permanent physical problems due to the pregnancy and birth and sometimes I wish I didn't have those to deal with. Also my life would be a lot freer now if my children were all older. But possibly emptier as well.

I don't know if my experience has any relevance to yours at all, but I wanted to share it.

You may feel some regrets whatever you decide, OP, and I don't think there is a right answer. Make the choice as you feel is best and then try to make the best of whatever you decide. That's all I can advise really.

Bluthbanana · 13/07/2019 22:27

I'm not 40, but I terminated my third pregnancy for very similar reasons to the ones you listed. When we first found out I was pregnant (coil failure), we discussed whether it was possible, whether we wanted to put ourselves and the 2 DC through the negative financial repercussions of adding to our family. I was upset, but because I was upset at being in the situation rather than being upset at the idea of terminating in itself, if that makes sense. I don't regret terminating. It's been an emotionally fraught experience - the hormones sorting themselves out post-termination was very similar to my experience of baby blues, but I made the right decision for our circumstances.

JaniceJoplin · 13/07/2019 22:41

I have 3. The last one was a huge surprise - a failed MAP. I decided to terminate when I was 5 weeks but the Earliest the NHS could offer the procedure was 12 weeks as they said my high blood pressure (was very stressed) was a problem and they had to do it in a proper hospital. There was no way I could have carried on until 12 weeks having had 2 prior. So he is here now. The first 2 years were difficult as he was an appalling sleeper and I have aged terribly. However he is super smart and it is now not long for him to be starting at school. My eldest who is nearly 10 feels like a teenager and having a younger child keeps everyone young. Sometimes in life you just have to make do and do your best.

mistermagpie · 13/07/2019 22:58

I'm pregnant at 39 with my third, and it's a very much wanted and planned for baby. The difference is that my other two are two and three, so we have never really been out of the 'baby' phase and I always wanted three.

In your situation it's not really your age that would bother me, but the age gaps between this baby and your other kids - this baby is only really going to be fun and 'interactive' when it's about 18 months old so that's another two years away and it's a bit gal did your eldest then. Plus you have to go back to the nappies and sleepless nights when you have been out of it for so long. I personally couldn't terminate a pregnancy, but for you it might be something you want to consider.

mistermagpie · 13/07/2019 23:00

Bit gal was meant to be big gap!!

nataliemum25 · 13/07/2019 23:16

I'm currently pregnant with baby number 6, my eldest is 13 and my youngest is 3 they being so much joy to my life it's unreal,

Only you can make the decision but we are all here for you whatever you decide xx

coco123456789 · 13/07/2019 23:41

Hi there, I have been in exactly your position. My gap isn’t quite as big as mine were 6.5 and 4.5 when number 3 was born, but I was still at the stage where my friends were all setting back into work as their number 2s were starting school and I was going back to the start again with a baby! But do you know what, suddenly at school there are quite a few who have now lap had baby number 3! Having a baby when the elder 2 are at school is such a different experience as you only have the baby during the day, you’re not wrangling a toddler as well.
Don’t get me wrong, obviously having 3 kids is harder than having 2 as there are more kids requiring your attention. It means you have to consider the timetable more carefully, eg we are always home by 6.30 so number 3 can go to bed - swimming lessons from 6-7 or something just aren’t possible. Also for holidays you have to find something that suits all ages. Our number 3 is a brilliant sleeper, lots of fun and extremely easy going so it’s not like we had to go back to endless sleepless nights etc so that’s not always a fear.
I thought for a long time about termination, and even booked an appointment. But I couldn’t trust that I could get over it and deal with it. I also read a lot about it and realized that you don’t just take a tablet and wake up not pregnant which is what I had naively assumed happened. So many people do it though and it’s definitely the right decision. My life was be easier with 2 undoubtedly. But number 3 is lovely and the relationship with siblings is great!

daisyboocantoo · 14/07/2019 09:03

I have never been more pro choice, than since I became a mother. Not an easy decision but you have to do what you feel is best. We decided to go ahead with our surprise pregnancy, but our lifestyle and finances have taken a serious hit. DC4 is starting school after the summer and I am hoping to get my life back on track.

Luckily, the kids don't know any different and DH works very hard, but sometimes I do wonder...

Good luck OP

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