3rd child at 40 not sure what to do. Think I may regret keeping it.

[Twistiesandshout]

Hoping anyone having been through similar may have some wise words.

I have a 9yo dd and 7yo ds. Am 7 weeks pregnant. I could write so much here but the crux of it is financially, life style, age, age gap, impact on our balanced life I’m not sure if I can do this.

Just wondering: Did anyone else feel similar? What choice did you make and are you happy? Thanks xx

I'm 15 weeks pregnant with #4 right now. I'm going to be 39 on Tuesday.

I would say this pregnancy I'm really feeling it more than I did with all my other babies. And my youngest dd is 10, so big age gap! I wouldn't have been able to terminate but that's just me & I think I've made the right decision.

I’m a year in to a number 3 baby with a 10 year old and nearly 7 year old. It took us 2 years to decide whether to go for it, DH was a lot more keen than I was.
Financially its horrific, DH is studying so only working 4 days, daycare is expensive and we had to move so we're paying more rent. I will admit to regularly wondering if we made the right decision.
On the plus side, she is a dream. I'm totally in love with her, as are her siblings. My eldest is especially good with her. She is a huge novelty to all our friends whose kids have grown up and they offer to babysit.
No-one can tell you what to do, and my arse is firmly on the fence, but this is my experience.

I haven't been in your position but I thought I was (pregnancy scare). When I found out I wasn't pregnant, the feeling of relief was so strong that I know a termination would have been right for me. Good luck with whatever you decide

I had my third at 38, when my older two were 10 and 8 (so 9 and 7 when I got pregnant, like you). I had a slightly different back story (recurrent mc over two or three years and then a period of not conceiving, during which I was increasingly moving towards staying as we were) and the pregnancy was really hard - the anxiety of pregnancy after mc combined with the 'what have I done?' feeling and all the worries you describe. I felt fear and dread until the morning I went in for induction at 10 days overdue.

It's been brilliant. Of course there is an added strain on finances/need to think more carefully about some expenses, but the age difference means that you don't have, say, three expensive teenagers all at once, and when youngest gets more expensive the older two will be paying their own way at least to an extent. (I should also add that I am not in the UK and so benefit from generous paid parental leave and brilliant subsidised childcare. If I had been looking at UK nursery fees it might have been a lot tougher). My older two utterly adore her and have from day one. She is their favourite person and the person they love most in their lives - more so than dh and me. It's absolutely wonderful to see. And we can still do quite a bit as a family, long walks (dd in back carrier), beach, museums (perhaps looking at different bits), even family films.

A big caveat is that dh and I never had the 'back to square one' feeling really. We've never really gone out etc much without children (together, that is; separately, yes) and never had the sense of being tied down with small ones. If you did feel like that, that may be something to consider. And the aspect of childcare costs I touched on above. I think I'm trying to say that it can work, and wonderfully, but because it's working for us doesn't mean it will in the same way for you - I don't mean this to be a naive 'oh, go for it, you never regret a child' reply.

I think this from NiceRadFem is a really important point:

'I think the message we receive from the media, fiction, many other narratives is that a termination is a terrible experience.'

I've never had a termination, but I've seen this narrative at work on threads on here - women talking about being very very ambivalent about being pregnant but that they 'couldn't bear the guilt' of a termination. And I think guilt absolutely needs to be left out of it if a genuine choice is to be made.

I agree CatteStreet. Women are told they’ll feel guilty. I often think well, which guilt would be more painful and have more far reaching consequences, the guilt of having terminated an unwanted pregnancy? Or the guilt you feel when looking at your child as they grow up knowing you didn’t want them and shouldn’t have had them. Plenty of parents feel that way sadly and it’s such a taboo to admit you regret having your child so people naively think that you’ll never regret the child you had.

I had my third when the others were 5 and 4. It was very hard going back to the newborn stage, esp with the school runs and after school activities. But in saying that got used to being woken up etc and is a fabulous kid.

I think it's the 'you will never regret the dc' narrative that is trotted out so much on MN that I find bizarre.

Because I know plenty who have regretted dc3 and some dc2. It happens. You can love your DC but still this what if...

I think it will be guilt that makes you not terminate OP, not a want for another DC.

Good luck with your choice

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 39, I had a 9 and a 5 yo, a good freelance career and was about to finish re-training as a lawyer. I cried for four days straight.

DH said he would support whatever decision I made, but his view was "two kids, three kids, whatever" so I felt like I had a genuine choice. I did choose to keep the baby who is now my beloved 16yo DD. In a strange twist of fate my mum died when I was five months pregnant and I ended up with a daughter I never thought I would have (my older children are boys).

At the end of the day only you can decide what the right decision is for you and your family. It worked out for me BUT if DH hadn't been on board it would have been a much harder decision. Going back to the newborn stage was hard and DD was an easy baby. A friend had an unplanned third child who never slept aged 41 and it nearly broke her. The one thing I did do before making a final decision was to have a CVS test as I wanted as much guarantee as you can get that the baby was healthy, I understand that some people will judge but I knew that as a family we could deal with an expected baby but not with a child with significant health issues that would impact the other children. Good luck whatever you decide x

Hi all, I truly appreciate everyone who has replied here. It is amazing how supportive and what a sense of community can be felt when faced with challenges.

I didn’t want to leave the thread without updating. I’m currently miscarrying. I’m truly not sure what my decision would have been, however I had got my head around having another member of our family and my husband was (and is) being much more supportive. The grief I’m feeling now for what could have been is heartbreaking however there is definitely a feeling of relief (and guilt). It’s too soon to evaluate all my feelings suffice to say I’m going through this at the moment and I thank everyone who took the time to share their words of wisdom with me. X

Sorry to hear that

for you, Twistie. Be gentle with yourself, remind yourself that any guilt is misplaced and just try to sit with and accept your feelings without judging yourself.

Difficult times for you. Take care of yourself Twistie.

Hope you are ok Twistie. Life really throws us curveballs sometimes xx