Baby banks... feeling alone and overwhelmed... freedom project.

[Neverbroken]

I met my support worker today who I was referred to by a social worker. She asked if I had bought anything for baby yet which I have some clothes. I wanted to wait until 24 weeks because baby is viable. I said only thing I’m worried about is the big things like the pushchair. She said she could do a “baby bank” referral for me to support me to get some stuff. Has anyone ever had things from a baby bank before, what condition are they in?

Overall I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed recently, panicking about things like learning to breastfeed or what kind of bottles to get etc. I just don’t even know where to start, also making it all affordable.

Support worker also recommended the freedom project to me. I don’t know how I feel about this. Everything just seems a bit scary at the moment, it feels good to know I can come to mumsnet and let it out.

I don't really have answers but didn't want to leave your post without replying.

The freedom project can be really good, it's certainly worth a try.

As for prams, I really wouldn't be looking for a new one. They're so expensive new and such a waste of money! You can buy almost everything second hand, if i has another I wouldn't get anything new.

Where are you OP, via pm if you like, I deliver the FP. Most women find it very interesting, not stressful and I deliver to any woman who’s interested, not just those who’ve been affected by DV.

@changechange I feel bad using second hand with her, like thinking another baby has sicked on it before etc. But I also have my flat to finish doing up aswell. So much to do so little time and so little help.

@Etino I’ve PM’d you.

Honestly, I second getting second hand for mostly everything that's not the car seat or mattress or an occasional splurge.

I'm fairly well off and I buy DS's stuff second hand on Facebook and probably 75% of his clothes in charity shops or Primark kind of places. They go through everything so fast that it's financially less sensible to waste money on it and the previous owner wore it a couple times a week for three months max usually, if that. So they're rarely worn.

I'd rather spend less on material stuff for DS and instead save for his future. It just makes more financial sense to me. Of course occasionally I see a cute outfit or toy I think he might love and get that.

I get you. All of her clothes so far are from shpock (an app where people sell in your local area.) All brand new with tags but some of the things are like half the price of the tag or less so I haven’t gone crazy. Planning to give them all a wash before she wears them even though they’re new

Make use of the baby bank.
I'm sure most people will clean stuff before they donate it. You can wash stuff too.

Do you really think baby will care if their pram has been pre owned? The important thing is baby is loved and has the stuff that they need.

So much baby stuff is purchased, used for a short time then moved on with tons of life left in it.

Babies are as expensive as you make them. They use things for so little time that buying or receiving second hand you’ll find great quality. I think the only things I’ve bought for my little ones that hasn’t been second hand is mattresses and their drawers (only because I couldn’t find second hand drawers I liked). I think the stigma around second hand stuff has really shifted with the introduction of things like Facebook marketplace and a big shift on reducing waste. X

For the short time things like prams are used it really isn't worth buying a new one. A second hand one will be cleaned up and pristine.

All I know about baby banks is one I saw on TV and it looked great.

Good luck with everything and congratulations.

Pregnancy is a really scary time, and it sounds like your situation is sensitive. Your baby will not care one bit that things are second hand! Money is tight for me and I bought almost everything on gumtree or ebay. Its definitely not something I'm ashamed of, I'm happy with what I have!

Freedom project is a really helpful tool, and I wish you luck if you decide to go that route. It sounds like you are doing everything right.

@Neverbroken I'd recommend being more open minded about second hand baby things. The baby won't care, and they go through things so fast they are usually in great condition.

I'm relatively well off but buy almost exclusively second hand things for my children for environmental reasons. I have also saved a fortune doing so, and been able to buy higher quality stuff than I would have been able to justify buying new. Prams and buggies especially can be so expensive new, but if you buy a 2 year old second hand one you can get a fabulous quality pram for less than half the retail price. Just give it a good scrub if you're worried about germs, you can even pay professionals to steam clean them.

Mattress and car seat- I would always buy new though. Did the social worker think you could source those through a baby bank?

Another vote here for using second hand. Would it help to reframe your thinking? E.g. instead of thinking "my baby has to have hand-me-downs because that's all I can afford" I tend to think "I'm choosing to use second-hand items for my baby because it's important to be environmentally friendly so that they still have a beautiful world to grow up in".
I'm currently 23 weeks and so far all the baby's clothes, pram, moses basket and even car seat (from my brother, so I know it hasn't been in an accident) are second hand. I'll get him one or two new outfits, but not big items as I'd rather save the money and the environment :)
All the best for your pregnancy, OP :)

Same as PP here, I consider us financially comfortable (not on big bucks or anything but we have savings and can afford to get lots new if we wanted) but I've got loads off eBay second hand. It's all nearly new. The rest will be coming second hand from DB and SIL. I just don't see the point in spending megabucks on new stuff if I don't have to. I'd rather save the money where I can and use it for something more useful when baby is a bit older. X

OP

Firstly I've done the freedom project. It was really really helpful. My threshold for crap I didn't need in my life suddenly made sense and I'm a much happier and resolute person because of it.
Subsequently I managed to secure my own needs and that of my cuildren before any one else. I doubt you'll regret doing it.

Re baby stuff being second hand. I have a new partner. We both work full time and are comfortable financially. I've just bought a second hand pram from eBay. Clothes are mainly from bundles on Facebook or hand me downs from friends. Seriously it matters not. I could have gone and spent 1k on a pram but dear god what's the point. The first time you fold it down on some gravel and scratch it you'll be livid. Enjoy your baby and don't worry about the materialistic stuff.

The only thing I treated myself to that was new were some giant muslins from Bloomsbury mill on amazon and some bamboo washable breast pads

Hi OP, I work for a well known brand and we often donate excess stock to the baby bank network, as do a number of other baby brands I know of, so they have a lot of brand new stuff that brands just can't sell for one reason or another (last year's design, wrong language on the label etc)
I have been to a baby bank warehouse a number of times to deliver this stuff, and it is a well organised place piled high with stuff. They are careful about what they take in, and what they give out, so I don't expect you'd get anything that's wrecked.

And even though I work for a baby brand and have a decent salary I bought a second hand pram from FB for my own daughter! These things are so briliiantly engineered, they last well beyond the couple of years one baby needs them for

The baby bank near us is often overwhelmed with donations so I think the lady that runs it gets to pick and choose the best bits!
Re/second hand- What I think about is second and subsequent children...most people won't buy new everything again, kids will just get their older siblings stuff, at least to start with.
We have a local parents Facebook group where people give kid related things away for free.

Without being too harsh - beggars can't be choosers. New prams can cost as much as a second hand car!! You need to adjust your priorities. Are you working? Is the babies dad around and contributing?

Hi OP, I know it's not what you're asking but new prams don't need to cost a fortune. We got the Hauck Trio travel system (includes pram, pushchair and car seat) brand new on Amazon for only £150.

I'm always shocked that people spend thousands on a pram! No judgement, I'm just frugal

Southern Comforts - you are being a tad harsh.
Nobody wants to be a beggar. Talk of the Freedom Program & SW indicates Op has left a bad relationship and is most likely better off on her own without trying to get maintenance from an abusive arrse.

Southern - OP isn't a beggar to use baby bank second hand stuff for her DC. I'm comfortably off and try to get everything I can second hand and preferably free or handed on. In turn I take care of stuff, keep it clean and in working order and hand it on again or to the baby bank in my area. It's so wasteful of both money and natural resources to buy everything new.

@Neverbroken

Honestly hun I've been where you are and ultimately nobody gave a shit (or even knew) if my kids pram was new or second hand, whether their clothes had been pre loved etc. I gave everything a good wash, although it came in brilliant condition anyway. Food banks, baby banks, the Salvation Army, charity shops, Facebook selling pages and the good will of others have got us through some dark times. Now my kids get to grow up safe and loved and without the risk of domestic violence looming over them. Plus I'm doing every programme going, freedom included, to make sure I am the best equipped to keep them safe not just for now but for always.

They aren't going to remember the struggle with money, they're going to remember the love and joy and fun we had, and that they had a mother who was so damned strong she would ignore the opinions of others and do absolutely everything necessary to meet their needs.

Please don't be put off by the idea of second hand. You have lots of other things to worry about and this issue needn't be one.
Don't forget that sisters, cousins and friends have always shared baby equipment and clothes and that second and third children within a family never really have new stuff . This is how it should be . It's is terribly wasteful to buy new of everything unless, possibly , you are planning a large family! My other thought on this is that you really need very little for a new baby. Try not to get dragged in to buying things on the off chance that you might need them. Wait until your baby is here. Best of lock OP, it is all daunting.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with second hand stuff - the opposite actually. I'm saying OP needs to be realistic, if she's in a position where she needs help from a baby bank then she needs to stop "feeling bad" about not having brand new baby stuff. As in, don't turn your nose up at free stuff if you need it just because you want brand new, that's just silly.

Thanks for the advice guys, you’ve made me feel at ease and not guilty. The mattress and car seat I could probably afford myself. And I have seen some nice looking ones for £150 in Argos etc.

Yes I do work full time, however the flat I’m currently living in I was supposed to be sharing with baby’s dad however that didn’t work out (domestic issues which led to me kicking him out hence SW involved). So now currently managing the bills by myself whilst trying to get the necessary furniture for the flat AND prepare for baby. It’s a lot when you don’t have any family support (our relationships broke down a long time ago) and no friends (due to problems in relationship)
Infact the social worker was worried that I am so isolated but didn’t doubt my abilities to look after baby and protect her. Even with my Anxiety and depression.

You know I’ve had these kinds of conversations on MN before where just because I say something off the top of my head people jump on me for it. When you were little and you imagined having your first child you imagine being able to give your child all brand new stuff shopping with your friends, cooing over baby outfits etc you know you just want the literal best you can do for your child so I suppose it is from that fantasy I am talking about. Also I just feel like if I don’t buy second hand things for myself why should I for her but also understand that babies do grow quickly.

I think I have been realistic in terms of spending, I’ve used shpock so although the things are new they are cheap. I literally bought some socks (3pack) for her for 50p & a packet of about 45 newborn nappies for £1 yesterday. I have to travel to get them but that doesn’t matter as I got a daysaver for work and go to get them after work anyway.

@SouthernComforts I simply expressed to her I was worried (like I do about everything - suffer from anxiety quite a bit on meds for it and depression) about getting the bigger things and tbh aside from probably a cot isn’t a pushchair the next biggest thing you buy for a baby? That’s what support workers are for to support you right? I was one a couple of years ago myself working with the homeless in hostels and I saw the donations from food banks which wasn’t great let me tell you which is why I questioned the baby banks. Being quite honest until she mentioned it I had never even heard of a baby bank.

Her father and his contribution is another thing, he has yet to buy her anything. He actually owes me £40 currently and may be losing his job which is only part time anyway due to William hill closing all their shops come the end of the year. So yes while I know it’s a conversation that needs to be had, it’s a difficult one so I am doing the best I can by myself first (I will broach the subject with him soon) also I think it’s good to operate like this because what if he doesn’t improve or step up to the plate then I am a single parent so I need to learn to do this for me and for her. Given the stress at the beginning of the relationship and the amount of times babygirl has heard me crying over the past few months I want the last few months to be as stress free as they can be for both of us. That’s it really.

As for the freedom project I’m willing to give it a go!

Sorry I do not think I’ve ever written so much on mumsnet!