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Original poster

A lady at work had a miscarriage last week ... should I keep the pregnancy to myself?

35 replies

MummyBear405 · 08/07/2019 16:17

Just found out that one of the ladies I work with was away last week because she had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I feel terrible for her and I can't imagine what she's going through Sad

I have my 12 week scan next week at which point I was going to announce it at work but would that be totally insensitive? I don't want to cause any grief but I do need to let them know! Confused

Should I try and talk to her or offer her a shoulder to cry on should she need it? I don't have any personal experience so I'm not sure how to approach her. Suggestions welcome!

OP posts:
Hopefulmama34 · 08/07/2019 16:28

Congratulations on your pregnancy! But yes, announcing it now would be insensitive, especially given the timing of her miscarriage. Can’t you just inform your line manager privately? Assuming you are not yet showing, you could then wait a few weeks before telling your other colleagues. It will still be painful for this poor lady but at least a bit more time will have elapsed and you have to tell your colleagues at some point.

I’m not sure re offering a shoulder to cry on - it’s very kind of you but when she does find out about your pregnancy it may be more difficult for her to process when she realises that you were pregnant all the while supporting her through her grief. I haven’t got any experience of anything like this but maybe a thoughtful card and flowers just to let her know that you are thinking about her?

Teddybear45 · 08/07/2019 17:20

Think about this logically, unless you have had miscarriages this close to the 12 week scan you cannot possibly offer a shoulder to cry on. And She certainly won’t appreciate it when she does find out you are pregnant.

I suggest telling your line manager so you can get your appointments and nobody else. Work pregnancies don’t need announcements except to managers, people will know when you show.

AllFourOfThem · 08/07/2019 17:22

I wouldn’t say anything for now. Perhaps wait until after your 20 week scan and even then not as a big announcement.

Should I try and talk to her or offer her a shoulder to cry on should she need it?

Please don’t do this.

thepointoforder · 08/07/2019 17:24

Just tell your line manager in confidence.

Jellybabiesarebabies · 08/07/2019 17:25

I'd probably tell your manager and then tell her next, give her a little bit of time to deal with it before telling the rest of the team.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 08/07/2019 17:27

Could you message her? So she can react privately?

kittytiggy · 08/07/2019 17:29

That's really sensitive of you, well done OP Flowers
I would just be normal with her, normality is what she needs right now. Don't make a big deal of it, just make her laugh if possible etc.
I would discreetly tell your manager but definitely don't tell her until you start to show. x

ahumanfemale · 08/07/2019 17:29

Definitely tell her before you let colleagues (other than manager obvs) know. Don't make her sit there when you tell people. I'm not sure whether it's best to email her or do it face to face. It'll hurt however you do it but perhaps her not having to react while you're in front of her would be better? Maybe someone else can advise on that bit!

Helbelle17 · 08/07/2019 17:32

I was that person who'd had the miscarriage. It was horrendous and I couldn't be near anyone who was pregnant.
I would say, don't let her find out by accident, tell her in a message so she has time to process it. Don't be surprised if she avoids you. Don't take it personally. One of my very close friends was pregnant the same time as me, but I lost our baby. I'm not proud of my feelings, but I couldn't be near her for quite a while afterwards.
What I found (and still find) difficult were pregnancies and baby talk being sprung upon me. If I knew about it, I could protect myself and avoid the situation or be braced for it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and you must be a lovely person to be so considerate to her feelings.

Lozz22 · 08/07/2019 17:50

I miscarried on Christmas Day. Someone I work with is Pregnant and when she told me she said to me i know this is going to be hard for you and i know it's going to hurt you after what's happened. I had to force myself not to start crying. Although I did sit in my car and cry for about 20 mins straight afterwards. Part of me would've preferred a text so I could've dealt better with my emotions. Maybe you could send her a text when you know she's not at work and just tell her that you are very sorry for her loss, then you didn't want her to find out off anyone else but you are currently 12 weeks pregnant. That way if she wants to cry she's in the privacy of her own home. Then again she might resent the fact that you've told her in private I know some women do

stucknoue · 08/07/2019 17:52

I would tell her first quietly so she's aware, then announce it. When you tell her acknowledge her loss and the unfortunate timing of your own announcement.

HayleyHaystack · 08/07/2019 18:11

Coming to this from personal experience of this happening to me and a colleague announced her pregnancy the day after I returned to work following my MC. She was aware of my situation. It was horrendous and made it 10 times worse returning. I was also offered a shoulder to cry on and it made it so much worse. I still think about it now.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 08/07/2019 18:16

Wait till 20 week scan to tell anyone
Then text ( or give her a card) to tell her first weeks before telling anyone else
You are 100% not a shoulder to cry in for this woman

PolkaDotHoneyPot · 08/07/2019 18:23

Tell only your managers and ask them to not say anything until you have announced it. I think maybe you should message her privately. You could always wait a few weeks till your 20 week scan too.
Someone in the world somewhere always has it worse off than you, it doesn't mean you can't celebrate your own good fortune. I don't think it's fair to deprive yourself of feeling happy and wanting to tell people. And this is coming from someone who has had multiple miscarriages. It hurts. But it hurts more to find out second hand, or weeks after everyone else. And it hurts to find out that someone felt they couldn't celebrate their own baby for fear of offending someone else.

InDreamland · 08/07/2019 19:55

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I am that colleague who has had a (2 actually) mc's and then had to deal with multiple pregnancy announcements at work soon after. It was the last thing I needed and have spent my time attempting to avoid these colleagues and cannot bear looking at them because I just feel so sad wrapped up in grief of my losses. You would be the last person whose shoulder I'd want to cry on. Don't take it personally but it's about my own personal grief and safeguarding my own heart.

I'd suggest telling your manager discreetly to ensure you get the time off you need but there's no need to do any big announcements. You can tell colleagues you're close to quietly and if they're sensitive to your poor colleague who has had a mc they will not talk to her about it. I appreciate not having those women's pregnancies discussed with me by colleagues because they know how upset I'd be and they're just looking out for my feelings.

NicciLovesSundays · 08/07/2019 22:16

@MummyBear405 What size is your workplace? How close are you all as a team? How likely is it that your news will get out even if you decided only to tell your manager/hr?

Original poster
MummyBear405 · 09/07/2019 09:48

Okay so I wasn't saying that I'm going to rush up to her and offer her a shoulder to cry on. She has lots of friends in the office so there are plenty of people she could talk to I just didn't want to come across as uncaring if I didn't offer that was all ... I got the message loud and clear so thanks!

@kittytiggy thanks for you're advice that's super helpful! I'm awful in these situations, when people are grieving I feel so awkward and usually end up saying the wrong thing Confused

I think telling my manager in confidence and then telling her privately before announcing it is the best way to go - thank you for all your advice and for sharing your experiences!

@NicciLovesSundays it's a small office so things don't tend to stay quiet for long, all the more reason to tell her first.

Also to say I'm so sorry for all of your losses and hope your current pregnancies are progressing well! Flowers thanks again all!

OP posts:
noimaginationatall · 09/07/2019 15:41

I had a MMC discovered at 12 week scan.
One of my colleagues announced pregnancy shortly after, I only felt happy for them. My sadness shouldn't impact their joy.
There were points when I felt sad about what could have been but that was for me to deal with.
I think the fact you are thinking about it and will try to be sensitive is enough.

TurquoiseDress · 09/07/2019 16:36

If it was me, I'd just inform my line manager

Does a pregnancy always need to be "announced" at work? I never have done, only other person I told was a colleague and close friend.

My colleagues found out when I started to show properly around 24 weeks and onwards.

Some I think waited til I had the big belly going on as they weren't sure and didn't want to offend me!

Original poster
MummyBear405 · 09/07/2019 16:40

@noimaginationatall I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sure no one would have judged you if you didn't feel happy about her announcement. I'm not sure she'll feel anything about it really but I just don't want to cause more upset

@TurquoiseDress I don't think it needs to be announced necessarily but I work in a small office and there's a warehouse attached so I want the guys to know why I can't do certain things especially when I'm not showing yet. I don't want people thinking I'm being lazy or unhelpful for no reason that's all.

OP posts:
KnitKitty · 09/07/2019 18:40

Hi,

I think the others have covered the advice pretty well.

I just wanted to add; make sure your source of information is appropriate before talking to her. What I mean is, make sure it's not leaked information from the managers which this lady might not have wanted sharing with everyone. If it was told to you so that everyone on the team can be aware of the situation with her consent, that's fine, go ahead with your plan: but if you haven't been told it 'officially', be weary. Some women prefer to keep miscarriages to themselves. Others want to talk about it, and others fluctuate wildly between the two.
It might be more appropriate for you to tell your managers first, and bring up the issue RE your colleague and ask them to break it to her gently themselves before you tell the rest of the team. It might be harder for her hearing it from you. However, if you tell her yourself, you have complete control over what is said, which I do see the benefit of, so it's up to you what you decide.

She's quite likely all over the place emotionally at the moment, and if it was as recent as a week ago it might not have fully started to process for her so hearing news like yours might make it all hit her hard. The thing is, it's a bit of a mine-field with knowing what to say for the best because everyone reacts so differently to losing a pregnancy. What some may find comforting, others might find really inappropriate. The Miscarriage Association has some really useful advice for family/friends/work colleagues:
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Someone-You-Know.pdf

As someone who has lost a few pregnancies, I really appreciate how mindful you are being of your colleague and really wish everyone was as lovely as you. Congratulations on your baby! Flowers

Original poster
MummyBear405 · 10/07/2019 10:06

@KnitKitty We were told by management with her consent I believe but you make a really good point! I definitely think I'll just tell my manager for the time being and ask for their advice on how to approach the subject with her. Also I'm happy to leave it for a few weeks before telling any colleagues as like I said it's a small office and word travels fast!

Thank you for the link as well that's really helpful, I think I'll also send this to my manager as he might think it's a good idea to circulate xx

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyBear405 · 10/07/2019 10:07

@KnitKitty also thank you Smile we're super excited but I've also put myself in her shoes and I imagine if it were me I'd hope people would be sensitive to that

OP posts:
ImMeantToBeWorking · 10/07/2019 13:35

Should I try and talk to her or offer her a shoulder to cry on should she need it?

Please don’t do this.

I totally agree, you offering her a shoulder to cry on, and later announcing you are pregnant would be the worst thing to do to her.

I would just tell your manager / management and ask them to keep it quite out of respect for this woman, and tell other colleagues when you can no longer hide it.

maybenextmonth · 10/07/2019 18:19

@KnitKitty this is so nice to read and very considerate. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Others have covered the advice well but from my experience, having had a miscarriage in May, I came back to work to two pregnancy announcements in the office - one from my extremely inconsiderate close friend! It was so hard to swallow so if you can wait a while then that's a nice thing to do, and quite selfless.

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