Sort of AIBU but more of a rant..

[Louray]

I’m due to give birth in 8 weeks and my partner and I were discussing the birth. I’m having him and my mum there and although DH said he would rather it just be the two of us he understands that it’s my choice.
He told me last night in the words of my MIL that “as soon as she gets a twitch I’ll be there” meaning PIL’s want to come to hospital and wait while I’m in labour and giving birth. He even went as far as to say “They’ll just wait in the cafe or put an air bed up at work”(which is round the corner, they only live 20 mins from hospital anyway)
My face must have said it all because he then said “Of course we will play it by ear and if you’re not ready they won’t come in until you are”
I appreciate that but how can I say no when they’re sat waiting outside!? I said to him that I’d rather they weren’t waiting to come while I’m lay legs all over covered in blood in a joking manner and he started to understand.. I think.
The problem is our friends recently had quite a traumatic birth and didn’t want any visitors until the day after (which was Boxing Day) and my Dh’s nan started spouting off about how it’s ridiculous that they made the Grandparents wait that long (less than 24 hours) I replied that it had been quite traumatic to which she replied “Well I think it was a horrible thing to do”
Basically there’s not much point to this post other than to rant and get my anxieties out as I know I can speak to my midwives about letting people in etc but I’m stewing over it a lot (hormones) and need to know that I am still sane?!
Well done if you made it this far 😂

Op i completely get it. They are being ridiculous.

I would dare anyone turn up to see me uninvited while in labour because i really loose all filters .....

I know it's your body, your choice, but I feel a bit for him that your mother gets to be there for the birth of your child together but his mother and father have to wait.

Na. Her mother is there to support her. She is the one giving birth. They are just coming for the show!

@Rtmhwales there are a few reasons why I want my mum there as she will be a big support for me and my partner and she knows when to step back. Unfortunately my MIL doesn’t and can be very controlling towards my DH.

Don't tell them when your in labour, that's what i did with both my parents and IL's, just called them afterwards when we knew all ok with baby and i was feeling ok.
They visited a few days later once we were comfortable for them to do so. They all need to respect your wishes, why on earth do they want to wait around during labour?? Not like they'll get straight in to see baby anyway as you'll likely go to post labour/recovery room for a while.

@IVEgottheDECAF indeed - the show!

I feel for you! Me and dp discuss our birthing plan and that involves no visitors. I don't see the big fuss with everyone seeing babies fresh out the womb for me its traumatizing me enough without a crowd of people been there straight after. In my experience it's best to get this out the way now because if it's anything like my mil be prepared for the rant and sulk that goes with it but be prepared to stand your ground

@Rtmhwales added to this my own dad who I’m very close to is also not coming in until we’re ready so I’m not trying to favour anyone. But can see what you’re saying.

@Missmil oh I think we must have had some similar experiences as sulking is something I put up with regularly!

With my first baby there was about three days between the start of the induction process and his birth. What would your in laws do if things take a long time? They won't want to camp out for days on end.

Would your DH agree to wait until you are ready before inviting visitors?

Just tell them coach trips are currently suspended to the hospital. Ask your dh if he would be happy to sit with his genitals hanging out with your dm present....
The birth is what best for you /what you are comfortable with not anyone else. ...

Don't tell them you are in labour and wait until you are ready for visitors.
Having your own mother present is nothing to do with seeing the baby - it's to help you. In laws are not the same (in most cases!).
Why on earth can't people who are old enough to know better have some common sense?

I had a traumatic birth and I said no visitors for the first week, my mum was there as a birthing partner with babies dad who is my partner, my dad (parents are divorced) visited the following day, as well as Mil (never have her there again!). My grandad visited two days later. I got home day 5 pp and everyone in my family wanted to pile into my mums house, I could barely keep my eyes open and thank god I was at my mums because she did most the hosting whilst people passed me gifts and I listened to them talk and hold baby. Partners dad was lovely and came to see us a few weeks later when we’d settled down and we were up for visiting my partners family.

Don’t tell a single soul you’ve gone into labour and turn phones off until baby arrives! That Is the advice I got! Tell them to wait at home and you’ll call them when your ready for them to visit when your on postnatal or at home.

Don’t tell anyone until the baby is born. You don’t know how long it will last, and you need to focus on what suits you best, not have anyone else’s feelings niggling at the back of your mind.

Camping on an air bed is a little ott!

Tell the midwives that under no circumstances do you want anyone other than your dm or dp there until you (not dh) say so- I’m sure they’ll have warded off pushy mils before!

Even if they know you're in labour it's unlikely they will be allowed in right after.
I've worked on 4 labour wards-all have no visiting (just birth partners) unless there is a reason. So if you were uncomfortable with visitors then they absolutely wouldn't get in.
Postnatal wards usually have visiting times.

But I'm with everyone else-just don't tell them until you're ready x

I am very close to my parents but also my in laws, we spend all birthdays, Christmases, Easters etc together, we holiday together and we chat almost daily but my husband and I are very much a duo when it comes to having babies, he's the only birthing partner I wanted/needed but had I had my mum too, I'd feel bad on my mother in law and my husband. He wouldn't want either and whilst it is me giving birth it would spoil it for me not to have the shared special moment of us meeting our baby for the first time, just us. I guess that makes it easier on deciding what fair, we don't want either of ours there 😂. Joking aside though, your mother usually is the closest person to you from birth, so it's understandable if you want anyone other than your dh that it'd be her and you are going through the birth physically so of course it's up to you and for what it's worth I have 3 sons and would never in the very distant future (my eldest is 10 so bit of a time away lol) expect to walk into a room immediately after my dil had given birth without the sincere wishes and an invite from both of them, had her mother been there or not, as a woman I know there is every chance she won't be happy about visitors immediately. I didn't even consider it until it happened with our first and I was a bit uncomfortable with it back then, I'd had a long labour and I needed time to recover before I had any spectators including closest family. Good luck with whatever you decide. If I was you I'd say to them, "Please don't put yourself out whilst I'm in labour by stayibg so closely, there will be a short period of no visitors anyway but as soon as we can have anyone in, along with my dad you will be the first to meet him/her." xx

I had a very messy and long labour and was so glad I had agreed with my husband we wouldn't tell anyone I was in labour, until after baby we born.

The only people that needed to know were people who needed to be involved in some way. So DH, DM, and DF (who was dog sitting).

In laws got a phone call once baby was born and came to see us once we had had a day at home (sooner than I'd have liked - I just wanted space).

My advice would be to put your foot down firmly. Labour is unpredictable and you need time to recover, in a way that you are comfortable. I stayed in my nighty in hospital, looked like crap - I didn't want my in laws there then. This is 100% about your needs and nobody else's.

Argh this makes me so mad. It's not about them. It's not about who is first to meet the baby or how soon after birth they meet him/her. It's about who is going to be the best support for you in what is an amazing but difficult experience (I.e bringing your baby into world safely and with your physical and mental health intact).

I had my mum and my husband and the two of them together were amazing at supporting me. My mum is fantastic at knowing when to step back. My MIL would have been anxious, judgemental and in our faces so there was no way I wanted her there until I was showered, had eaten and had the first couple of feeds/nappy changes under my belt.

The most important thing is to get your husband on board with what will work best for you. For example perhaps he doesn't let them know until the baby is born. Or perhaps they do wait in the waiting room but they aren't allowed in to visit until you've had a chance to have some alone time with the baby and freshen up.

My experience was though, that visitors couldnt come in the birthing suite, only to the ward during specific hours. I had a very straightforward birth and was still in the birthing suite for about 3 hours post birth. So by the time anyone else visited, baby was about 5 hours old.

That’s ridiculous. I don’t get why people are so obsessed about seeing the baby the minute it’s born. Surely it’s more important to give the new parents time to recover and bond?

My son was born at 9am, parents came to visit the next day in the afternoon. I had a forceps delivery with a big haemorrhage and was struggling to get breastfeeding started and I found it exhausting having visitors even then.

I'm not sure where people get the idea that you wait in the waiting room for a bit, then all charge in and see the baby as soon as it's born - is that how it goes on tv?

Put your foot down. Tell them you will call when baby is here and you are both ready for visitors. Your baby will be no less adorable after a day or two!

Does your husband understand that you may have been in labour for days, exhausted, potentially torn/cut and stitched back up, bleeding profusely, potentially struggling to feed, you might have a catheter in if you have an epidural... it goes on. Having a baby is amazing but not all that glamorous and defo not a spectator sport.

Thanks all for the support, nice to know I’m not thinking unreasonably!
I’m the worst patient as well so I can imagine that my filter may just disappear completely!
I don’t know why anyone thinks they can just flounce in the room as soon as it’s all done though! Bizarre that MIL thinks that even though she had a traumatic birth herself?!

@Newyearsameoldshit birthing a baby sounds...delightful! Can’t wait

This really gets my goat.
Why people think they have some bizarre right to be present at the birth or visit immediately is beyond me
Stick to your guns.
I let DH convince me to allow his Grandmother (she practically raised him) to visit 4 days after DC2 was born. She showed up with 3 of her friends that I’d never met before and spent the entire visit really winding my toddler up and expecting me to host while I had a 4 days old baby hanging off my tits the whole time.....obviously according to her, as DH is a man, so should never be expected to carry out any of the hospitality duties when we have visitors. Despite the fact that I was the one in pain, with huge leaking boobs and a steady flow of blood from the flange
Even 4 days post partum was too soon for me. A few hours post birth would be torture

Louray you may well breeze through your labour, be the living embodiment of a serene earth mother and immediately want to show your precious bundle to the world.
But, I think this is one of those hope for the best, plan for the worst kind of times

I don't even understand the logistics of their plan. In the hospital I gave birth in visitors (other than the baby's father were only allowed in the post-natal ward between 10-3), so even if they were sat there when you gave birth at, say, 3am, they'd still have to wait to come in. I actually stayed in the room I'd given birth in for 12 hours after I gave birth because they ran out of room on post-natal (which I considered a huge stroke of luck) and labour ward, which was where I was, was no visitors at all, just birthing partners. Just because they're sat in the waiting room doesn't mean they'll even be allowed in five minutes after you give birth!