First time and not the maternal type - help!

[kidsareok]

Hi everyone! Hope you're all well . I am 9 weeks pregnant with my first baby and to tell you the truth, I'm excited but terrified!! I'm in a stable relationship with my partner and we love each other and both have good jobs and a nice home etc BUT this was totally unplanned! Until I met my partner a few years ago I was single, travelling the world, going to parties, living in London and generally having the best carefree time ever! I'm 36 (so not even a youngster!) and I feel like this is going to be such a life changer! I'm excited and I know it'll change things in a great way but I'm also terrified and to top it all off, I've never been the mumsy type!! Babies - yeah they're ok, I'll hold one if I have to but I'm more than happy to hand them back and go and have a cocktail somewhere nice instead! Basically - I'm just wondering if there's anyone out there who can relate?! Any more 'unmumsy' types who are excited but VERY nervous about what's to come? Any stories about how life changes for the better? Any inspo to help me focus on my new exciting times ahead and stop me having flashbacks to sailing on a boat through Europe with a wine in hand would be great!! Thanks everyone

I feel exactly the same as you. I'm 11+2 with my first and am nearly 36. I do of course want this baby but I can't help but think about the nice life my husband and I have without children. I'm also a bit scared of losing my identity when the baby comes along. I don't want to just think of myself and be thought of as a mum. I'm not hugely maternal either but I imagine this will change as my pregnancy progresses. I don't think it helps that my symptoms haven't been particularly severe either. I have my 12 week scan on Friday and I'm hopeful that once we see wee Junior on the screen and we can start making proper plans that I will start to feel more excited about having our baby and our different life to come! All the best with your pregnancy. X

Hi edinbeezer! Thanks for the reply. I'm so glad there are others out there who feel the same. We have a lovely life too and were totally not trying for a baby. We always thought if it happens it's happens, but we would be equally as happy with just our neices/nephews and a penthouse apartment somewhere haha. I've had quite a few symptoms and have found pregnancy quite life limiting so far - no drink, no lovely cheeses, tired beyond belief - my running schedule has had to stop as my breasts are so sore I can't bear to run. I know this sounds EXTREMELY selfish and there are people who long for a baby and I honestly apologise to those people wholeheartedly for this post! I just really enjoyed my old life. I'm sure I'll be absolutely fine, babies can go to wine bars right?! I think it will all change when we see scans and out babies start growing and we form a bond with them. For now I'm off to scroll through my Croatia 2017 photo album on Facebook joke! Good luck with your pregnancy too x

I was you, very unmumsy, not really bothered about having children, didn't care for babies, but DH was keen so thought I'd go for it.

Now appreciating this sounds ridiculously cheesy, it turned out that I was one of the 'mumsiest' mums around!

Absolutely love my DC's more than life itself, took to it straight away and once they were born I felt like I'd rely found my calling!

You never know, you might be the same, congratulations, you'll be just fine!

Thanks TokyoSushi!! I hope that is me - I know I adore my nieces and nephews so I'm not a total heartless witch haha. Just maybe like 50% heartless witch?! Thanks for the words of wisdom x

Honestly I was the same. We started trying early 30s thinking it might take a couple of years (I forget why now!) And I got pregnant straight away. I felt like those two years had been stolen from me somehow?

Pregnancy fine, birth shitty, but sometimes they just are. My son is 18 months old now and I adore him, but we're not having another. A number of my friends have had second babies now, and I look at the newborns and think, meh. Not fussed. I was much more a fan of mine once he stopped being a sack of spuds, and started to be a real little proper person. I still don't like babies I don't think - and I had one! But it doesn't mean you won't love the crap out of your own kid.

Plus, it took a while, but I got my life back. Sleep (most of the time!), weekends away with my husband, evenings out. Time to do what I want. Having kids and having a life are definitely not mutually exclusive, and you can definitely love your child without being mumsy! Best of luck with the pregnancy.

Hey girl. Please try not to worry. I'm 26 and for years all I have thought about is "wow I can't wait to be pregnant and have a family of my own".... I am 11 weeks pregnant and tbh, have had a few occasions where I have just thought.... am I really ready? No more holidays just me and OH.... no more lie ins.... no more just having to worry about myself..... am I ready to give up my life and selfishness for 18 years (and more)?! At the moment (or at least before I was pregnant) I could just get up and go and do whatever I wanted if I wanted to. Now I have someone else to think and worry about and make sure they are ok.

And I feel so terrible sometimes for thinking those things! Obviously I am THRILLED to be pregnant and it was a planned pregnancy (albeit we thought it wouldn't happen so quickly!) but I think the little seeds of doubt and "can I do this?" Thoughts definitely enter everyone's heads.... even dads to be!

So don't worry. You aren't the only one and I think every woman AND man goes through this when they are expecting their first baby. It is a life changing event! But life changing in the best way possible.

I now try and think about family camping trips and playing out in the garden in the summer and family BBQs and christmases filled with magic.... and trick or treating and finger painting and teaching my children how to ride bikes and make daisy chains....

So yes. Massively life changing.... but in such a wonderful way.

I always said i never wanted children, i didnt like them and they didnt like me😂 but im now pregnant with my 3rd and tbh the only children i like are my own im still not very maternal 🙈

Oh also, to add to my previous comment, my dad always says "children are like farts .... you like your own but not keen on everyone else's!" ..... lol! X

@Marty93 your dad is so very right😂🙈👌🏼

Ahhh thanks so much everyone!! You've really all put my mind at ease - and I'm laughing so much at 'children are like farts, you only really like you're own' ! You've made me feel so much better. Tiny confession too - I'm actually a Primary school teacher ha ha sooooooo yeah, I technically should love them but meh - they're just mini people aren't they?! Some are lovely and some are absolutely not. Thanks for the replies - I feel happy that life goes on and it's good to know that it's completely different when you have your own! Thanks people xx

I am 37, 25 weeks and will be a first time mum, I never really thought about kids but DH has wanted to be a dad for the longest time, he was told he could not have biological children, this has tormented him for almost 30 years. Now I am pregnant with our biological child, he has completely lost the emotional plot but in a good way. Me, I am not mumsy, not enjoying the pregnancy either and want to go back to work after 6 months. I love my nieces and nephews but I have the same concerns as you OP. I am not depressed, far from it, I know that I will love this kid no matter what.

Aw I can gutsy relate @kidsareok and @edinbeezer

I am 36 too with my first child, I'm almost 17 weeks. Have just told work and everyone seems to be questioning why I'm not excited. I am but I'm apprehensive! I have a job I've worked years to secure, a great lifestyle etc etc... I know that's awful as I do want this baby but it's also terrifying when you realise the change you have made!

So I can empathize :)

*gutsy = totally!

Hi OP, I was in your position and about the same age when I had my first.

Was very doubtful about giving up the partying/travelling etc

The truth is that the time comes when you want to give that lifestyle up or do less of it. Think of this as the next, exciting chapter in your life.

You can still travel with children, and when they get older, you start to get your freedom back as they become more independent.

Good luck, am sure you'll be just fine x x

It's really great to hear from so many others who are feeling the same way. I have no doubt that being a mum will be an amazing experience and in many ways I can't wait. I love the idea of thinking about birthdays and Christmases etc. Also the thought of being a little family unit is so nice. I really will try to hang onto as much of my current life as I can, though. I've already started thinking about going to France next summer with the wee one!

@kidsareok I could have written your post myself last year! I was excited (ish!) but I just couldn’t stop thinking about how hard it would be and all the sacrifices I’d have to make and all the things I’d miss out on.

Sadly, we lost our baby in the 2nd trimester, far enough along that I had to go through labour and give birth to her. The devastation I felt was total and I realised that even through all my fears and worries, I already had so much love for my child.

After that I went from being on the fence about having a baby to it being the ‘be all and end all’ I was desperate to be given another chance again! In fact, I went from wanting just one to a whole hoard!

I’m now 27 weeks pregnant with another little girl and I can’t wait!

Your feelings are only natural and I’m sure that being a mum will give you many new amazing experiences! Good luck!

P.S. I’m also a primary teacher and totally agree with what you say about them being like mini people! 😂

Thank you everyone! It's so good to know there are likeminded people out there! Everyone has their own personal story and I don't feel bad for being a bit selfish about mine - after all, we have worked hard and created our own happiness so we deserve to be a little selfish at times! I know I'll love my little baby and I'll try my best to incorporate my old life with my new it Defo helps to talk! X

I’m exactly the same and due on Friday. I am constantly having to justify to people that I don’t want to hold their babies 😂

First baby here, agreed to have one just in case I regretted it later in life and i’ll be honest I haven’t enjoyed being pregnant one bit for various reasons...however.... I love this little thing inside me so much now, probably took me until 29+ weeks to accept it and even now people keep asking if I’m fed up & wanting baby out but I don’t know if I’ve even fully accepted that might happen soon lol.

@kidsareok I'm sure if I worked with children I would deffo be even more "OMG am i ready for this?!" Lol! X

Haha so good to hear! I definitely don't want to get to 50 and regret it so here goes I guess! Yeah working with children is often enough to put people off for life! Well to be honest, the children tend to be ok - just their parents are mental and seem to lose all common sense and manners when it comes to their own child! Hope I don't do that!! Thanks again people x

Ah glad to read this. Definitely not mumsy here - wouldn't even want to hold anyone else's child if offered! I'm nearly 18 weeks with our first (and only) and have so far not really told anyone and am not relishing having to either as I don't want to hear people being excited about it when I'm not! For me, it feels like a process (and I'm not particularly enjoyed it at the moment!) that I'll get through and then will feel more excited once the DC is here iyswim.

I'm 39 too and we intend to try and keep our lives going as much as we can after the DC arrives - definitely not planning to be one of those families where everything is about the child.

My DM was similar I think - not keen on children but loved having me once I was here.

I think I’ve found my people on this thread I am early 30s, not maternal, & found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago in total shock. I am extremely anxious (also a little bit excited), & a lot of the anxiety is about losing sight of me. I have hobbies & a life that I love, & I don’t want them to take a back seat for so long that I forget about everything I enjoy.

Good to hear others in the same situation with positive stories, as well as knowing people are just as anxious as me about something that must seem so trivial to women with longed-for pregnancies. Good luck, @kidsareok

Sometimes the ‘unmumsy’ types make the better parents once the baby arrives. Embrace the journey and enjoy the ride, the cocktail bars won’t be going anywhere.

I think if anything having your baby will actually enhance your lovely life even more! Once they place your beautiful baby in your arms & you look down at their little face you will be besotted & will be overwhelmed by a love like no other! Myself & my partner love kids & always wanted to have them & now that we do we cannot imagine what we used to do with ourselves before they came along. We often talk about couples who struggle to conceive & desperately want children & how difficult that must be. And we also chat about couples without children & we always say we wonder how they have that true “fulfilled” feeling inside. But everyone is different each to their own some people choose not to have children & that’s absolutely their choice but I do feel sad for them because it honestly opens up a whole other part of your soul that you didn’t even know existed. Soppy but very true. Of course it’s not all peaches and cream & some days I am driven round the bend by my little nuggets but they showed me what it really means to feel truly alive & seeing the world through their eyes is magical! So congratulations & lots of love to you! ❤️

My work colleagues are all gooey and often say things like 'oh you must be soooo excited', 'I bet you can't wait', 'what a magical time' blah blah blah. The moment I say um no, they look at me like I have horns and a tail. The line I keep hearing is that, oh once he/she is here, you will completely change. I sit and look at them and think mmmmmmm, maybe you did but I know so many who didn't. For some reason they all seem to think that motherhood is the only path for a woman. We did plan this and we struggled to get here but I am not in the mumsy boat and though I don't go out to bars etc, I do think the adventure side of my life will be put on hold, although I guess this is a whole new adventure in itself