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Original poster

He's said no to more kids so do I say no to more sex?

30 replies

trixytrix · 30/05/2019 18:10

I lost my last twin pregnancy at 18 weeks. This was the fourth. And my partner now don't want to try for anymore. I'm furious as I have no choice, have two dc with him already and too old to break up and go looking for someone else to have baby with.

I'm not sure how we will get past this but at the moment I see no reason to be intimate what so ever.

Anybody out there who have been through similar situation?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 18:11

You're going through a terrible time now and it's not a time to make a big decision. If you've had four miscarriages that will have really taken a toll on you.

Flowers
CallMeRachel · 30/05/2019 18:25

I'm sorry for your losses Thanks

What ages are your other children?

Yes you absolutely can and should refuse sex for any reason.

It sounds as if you both need time to process things after experiencing such a big loss.

AlexaShutUp · 30/05/2019 18:26

I'm so sorry for your losses, that must be very hard. Flowers

You have every right to want to try again, but equally, your DH has every right to say that's not what he wants. Unfortunately, it isn't fair to force someone into having children that they don't want (and it wouldn't be fair on the children either), so the decision you have to make is whether you can accept his choice or whether you'd prefer to split up and try again with someone who does want more children.

As far as sex is concerned, I think it's ok to say that you don't feel physically and/or emotionally ready for it right now, after all that you have been through, and he should respect that. However, I don't think it's ok to withold sex simply in order to punish your DH for not wanting what you want or as a means of pressurising him to change his mind, and in the long term, that approach is likely to just destroy the relationship.

SoyDora · 30/05/2019 18:31

It’s ok to say no to sex for any reason, at any time. It’s also ok for any party to decide that a sexless relationship isn’t what they want, and to leave.

Chathamhouserules · 30/05/2019 18:36

I'm so sorry for your losses.
You can say no to sex. He can say no to more babies. You then need to decide where to go from there and what's best for your family. I do think many people decide to draw the line at 2 children.
But after what you've been through I can see that would be hard to accept.

Loopytiles · 30/05/2019 18:40

Sorry you’ve been through so much.

It’s sad that you now have different feelings and wishes, but your H is not at all U not to want to ttc anymore.

Withholding sex to try to get him to change his mind or to punish him would be manipulative.

Loopytiles · 30/05/2019 18:43

I have 2DC, one fewer than I would have ideally liked, due to secondary fertility issues (miscarriages) and other health issues. It can be hard to let go of a strong wish for more DC, but IME doing so is better than fertility heartache and/or relationship breakdown.

Bluerussian · 30/05/2019 18:45

I feel sorry for your loss of the twins but don't understand why you want more children when you already have two. I don't blame your husband for digging his heels in, two is enough for most people. In fact, many would be delighted to have two or even one.

Gazelda · 30/05/2019 18:50

Are you for real bluerussian? How incredibly insensitive. The OP and her DH had obviously planned for more than 2, it's nobody's business except theirs how many children they want. How can you think it's ok to judge OP under these circumstances?

OP, I'm so sorry for your losses. It must be very hard for both of you. Are you able to talk honestly with each other about this? Do you have to make decisions about this right now?

minmooch · 30/05/2019 18:56

I understand that you are hurt and angry and the desire for more children is palpable. How're your partner is equally within his rights to not want more children. It maybe he is fearful of seeing you go through more anguish should you not have a successful pregnancy.

It sounds like you want to withhold sex as a punishment.

Can you give yourselves some time to just breath and reassess in a few months? I know time is not on your hands but pushing your dp is not fair either.

It is undoubtedly a very difficult time for you both. He presumably wanted your twins and it must seem unfair that he has now changed his mind about trying for another. It is a terribly unfair time for both of you.

Unfortunately we don't always get what we want and life has a way of dishing out some very cruel cards. I too lost twins in late pregnancy and then lost my eldest son to cancer. I was not able to have any further children. It has been a very hard cross to bear but sometimes life gets in the way of our hopes and dreams.

I hope that I'm time you are able to find a way forward that you can make peace with.

Sexnotgender · 30/05/2019 19:23

YABU but you are obviously hurting.

Your ultimatum is manipulative though.

I’m very sorry for your losses Flowers

birdonawire1 · 30/05/2019 19:29

I think your recent losses have slightly skewed your judgement. Surely a relationship is about more than having children. Maybe your dp doesn't want to put you through this again? Maybe he doesn't want to go through it again. Maybe he doesn't want more children. You sound as though your only interest is in having another baby, when you should perhaps be talking to your DP and finding a way through it together. Of course if you do t feel like having sex you should not have to explain this, but as a revenge for him saying he wants to call a halt to a lot of heartbreak, its not fair.

Marty93 · 30/05/2019 19:43

I am so sorry for your losses.. sending hugs.

You can refuse sex at any time, but to use it as punishment is unfair, which I'm sorry to say it does sound like you're thinking of doing if not doing so already..

Can you not sit down with your other half and talk about the reasons why he doesn't want to ttc again? And maybe you can tell him how his decision has made you feel.

Being open an honest with each other is the best way.

Hope you manage to work through this x

Original poster
trixytrix · 30/05/2019 20:42

Thank you everyone for your responses, some of them hurt but some do make me feel a little bit better.

To clarify, my partner is a wonderful dad and a good person. I just don't feel like being intimate since he said no more kids. I'm 41 so a bit long in the tooth to go baby daddy hunting...
My dc are 2 and 4 and I know my partner who is the same age as me wanted to try up to December 2018 and if we didnt get pregnant then that wpuld be it as he feels we're getting a bit old. He says this is what we had agreed, I obviously didnt say yes or no but just prayed we would get pregnant before his deadline. I think if I hadnt gotten pregnant in December '18 or maybe if the miscarrige hadnt been so late it wouldnt hurt so bad.

At the moment I'm just so very angry with him for taking this away.

Maybe worth mentioning that the miscarrige happened at Easter so this is not the desperate "I must get pregnant again" post state I have found myself in previously.

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 30/05/2019 20:56

Sorry for your losses. I think Easter is not v long ago, really, it must still feel very raw. I had 4MC, 3 in a row trying for baby 3. We'd had a similar discussion, the difference being we had mutually agreed one last try (on Prof Quenby's protocol for RMC) and me turning 40 as deadlines. We were lucky on that last attempt and DD is now 5. I sympathise with how hard it feels to end your childbearing on a loss - DDs birth allowed me a lot of closure on that miserable time. It sounds like you didn't really speak up when your DH suggested these deadlines? Does he know now how difficult you are finding this? Do you have a reason for the losses or anything to do differently to improve your chances? It's not something you can compromise on, would you consider going to couples counselling to talk it through? It has the potential to sour your relationship unless you can agree on a solution and you have very young children together.

AngeloMysterioso · 30/05/2019 20:57

He's your husband, not your sperm donor.

You are well within your rights to be upset about his changing his mind regarding having more children, but to withhold sex just to spite him for no longer wanting what you want is rather petulant.

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 21:06

I fully understand how you feel but:

You can’t force someone to have kids they don’t want to have.

If you don’t feel like having sex that’s fine - it’s ur body but:

  • you shouldn’t withhold sex as punishment
  • just like you can decide to not have sex with ur husband, he can decide he isn’t happy not having sex and leave you and ur marriage!
Whatsnewpussyhat · 30/05/2019 21:13

Why are you so absolutely desperate for another child though?
I can understand you grieving for your lost babies but it does come across as you wanting another to fill a void.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 30/05/2019 21:22

I’m sorry for your losses Flowers

Neither of you is BU & you’re both still grieving. Your dh may or may not feel more open to ttc again 12 months from now & your feelings might have changed too. If you don’t want sex atm that’s perfectly reasonable but don’t ‘withhold’ as an act of leverage.

Original poster
trixytrix · 30/05/2019 21:25

@Loopytiles Thank you, your thoughts are well presented and you are clearly a very good person. I truly appreciate your response.

OP posts:
Original poster
trixytrix · 30/05/2019 21:30

Thank you @Patchworksack
He is so very British that it's not even funny.
No, I dont think he realises how bad this is as in affecting our relationship. So happy for you that you got your final baby, I truly mean that.

OP posts:
Original poster
trixytrix · 30/05/2019 21:34

@sincethereis
Just stay out of it, you clearly havent read my posts so dont be the mean girl for no reason.

OP posts:
sincethereis · 30/05/2019 22:47

@trixytrix

I have no need to be the “mean girl” or to “stay out of it”

A few pp have expressed similar sentiments to what I’ve said that is ur husband is entitled to not want to have children and you entitled to not want to have sex with him etc.

Calm down

Darkstar4855 · 31/05/2019 09:07

It sounds like there are deeper issues in your relationship if you would consider breaking up with him just because he doesn’t want more children.

I sympathise because my partner does not want another child (we have one) but I love him and he is an amazing dad. I would never want to leave him or try to hurt him by witholding sex just because he doesn’t want more children.

Maybe some counselling or couple’s therapy might help you improve your relationship and come to terms with not having any more children.

PBobs · 31/05/2019 09:13

Have you had grief counselling for your loss? It sounds like that might help.

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