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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My friend doesn't agree with my pregnancy.

46 replies

Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 14:10

I'm pregnant with my second child. I have health issues including arthritis and have been off my medication for a year in order to conceive and have been struggling with pain etc.
I'm now 13 weeks pregnant and still suffering with all of that, pregnancy symptoms and a toddler.
My first child was delivered at 27 weeks due to pre eclampsia and I then had HELLP syndrome.
It was not an easy time.
The past year health wise hasn't been easy.
However, my husband and I have not taken this decision lightly. I knew it was going to be hard, I also know when I'm able to go back on my medication the pain will he easier to manage.
I wanted a big family but am stopping at 2. I don't want the arthritis etc to rule my life. I know it's going to be challenging but both me and my husband wanted a second child.
I told my friend and she has changed. Wasn't pleased and has not been supportive. I asked her about it and she said she's just worried and that I better find a way to cope.
I feel like I can't talk to her anymore.
We've been getting along with texts but it doesn't feel the same.
I told her I've been struggling and she's not replied and I feel like she's judging me.
Any others experienced this kind of reaction?

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LKH27 · 21/05/2019 14:48

Sounds like you are better off without them. I had a similar experience and was told to get an abortion twice by my so called 'friend' because I said I was having a bad day with the morning sickness.
I've cut that 'friend' out of my life and couldn't be happier. I have all the support I need from hubby, family and friends.
Sounds like you have all the support you need, so get rid of them.

BlingLoving · 21/05/2019 14:53

Well, she obviuusly thinks you're wrong to be having a second baby in light of the pain and danger for both of you. Personally, I can see her point.

However, it's your life and your decision and you get to make it. So she doesn't really get to judge you or tell you're wrong.

Having said all that, and I'ms sorry to say this, but I think she does have the right to choose not to be a part of your life or support team. Doesn't necessarily make her a very good or supportive friend, in which case you might be better off without her. But if her opinion is that this is a huge mistake and she doesn't want to be part of it, she has that right.

Original poster
Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 15:01

If it was dangerous for me to have a baby I would have been medically advised against it. That isn't the case and I'm being closely monitored.
With regards to the arthritis I got diagnosed after my first child.
I'm struggling more because I have come off of my medication but can go back on it once baby is born.
I know it's not going to be easy but parenthood in general can be challenging.
I understand her concerns and she has the right to her opinion.
Right now I need support not judgement.
She is the only person out of all my friends and family who has had a negative reaction to this and of course they all have their concerns too.
It's just made me realise she's not the friend I thought she was.

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UCOinanOCG · 21/05/2019 15:01

Was she involved in giving you emotional and/or practical support first time round? Maybe she feels she just hasn't got it in her to offer the same support this time?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2019 15:06

Right now I need support not judgement...It's just made me realise she's not the friend I thought she was.

I think that's unfair. My very best friends are the ones who tell me I'm being an idiot when I'm being an idiot. Not saying you are in this case but she clearly thinks it. I don't want a cheerleading squad, I want honest friends who tell me what they think. A couple have been brutally honest at times when I really didn't want to hear it.

If she is normally great, get your support where it is and reconnect with her when you're ready.

Teddybear45 · 21/05/2019 15:08

She sounds like a very good friend if she’s being tough with you. You probably weren’t medically advised against a second pregnancy because in the furore around saving your life the consultants probably never got around to it. That happened to my sil who has the same conditions as you and delivered similarly early — her consultant was furious with her when he saw her in the second pregnancy and despite careful monitoring the same things happened again. This time she has been recommended against future pregnancy and was offered sterilization.

Honestly I wish I had the guts to tell it straight to my sil like your friend has, as it fell down on me to support her (just like it did with her first pregnancy) as my brother needed to save paternity leave for when the babies returned home.

Singlenotsingle · 21/05/2019 15:14

Well it's too late now. The deed is done. So the friend might as well put on a happy face and support the OP, even if she's worried.

Baskerville · 21/05/2019 15:18

I agree with MrsTerry and Teddy. She's your friend, she gets to think this pregnancy, and the amount of pain you put yourself through even before you conceived, was a really dangerous and ill-advised idea. You don't have the right to expect her to set aside her reservations and act as some kind of uncritical support for a pregnancy you undertook in the full knowledge that it would be difficult and painful at the very least.

Obviously, it's not her call, but it's absolutely infuriating to watch someone you care about walking straight back into a situation that nearly killed them last time around. Of course she's judging you! She's watching her already fragile friend come off her meds longterm and turn into a pain-wracked pregnant wreck, after seeing you deliver a baby at 27 weeks and almost die last time!

What part of that is so hard to understand? Are all your other friends who supported you through your last pregnancy simply cheering you on?

Original poster
Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 15:40

I appreciate honesty. I'm an honest friend and no I dont want or expect a cheerleading squad. It would just be nice to feel like I can have a conversation about how I feel about it. Of course I'm worried, it's natural.
Nothing is going to change, I'm having a baby.
It's been 4 years since my other child. I've asked for medical advice and have been advised that it is highly unlikely to happen again but of course they are still keeping an eye on me.
It's been a careful and deliberated decision process and we have sought medical advice.

People who have had pre eclampsia have gone on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies/ babies after the first.
People with arthritis or other health conditions have also had children.

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Original poster
Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 15:42

I do appreciate her worry and concern. Of course I do.

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Original poster
Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 15:49

And yes, all of my other friends, family and my husband have been very supportive.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2019 15:51

have been advised that it is highly unlikely to happen again

Really? I thought the reoccurrence rate for HELLP was fair and pre-eclampsia was higher.

IABUQueen · 21/05/2019 15:53

Perhaps she has been going out of her way to support you , and perhaps you have been moaning to her about previous pregnancy and birth and so on and how it affected you and she has been a listening ear ( assumption)?

Perhaps it’s not that she wants to dictate your decisions in life but that she feels you are putting yourself in situations that you can’t bare and she can’t be the one you keep venting off to as a consequence ??

I could be wrong. But food for thought.

Congratulations op. Ultimately it is your decision and I think you should do what works for you. But be careful from complaining about something you want others to be happy for you about ?

Sorry if I’m wrong !

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2019 15:54

Oh and I have friend who cut off another friend for criticizing a decision she made. I also think it was a really bad decision for her and her children and has led to a lot of unnecessary heartache. On the surface I am supportive but it has affected our friendship.

If you have loads of supporters outwith her, just lean on them.

Teddybear45 · 21/05/2019 15:55

RA is a known risk factor for severe preclamsia though; even if you don’t become as sick this time (unlikely as you had HELLP so that is severe; so there is more likely to be a second recurrence) you will still have complications.

Then there’s the whole withdrawal aspect from steroids. How will that impact you later on in the pregnancy as symptoms worsen?

I think the best thing in this situation is to just tell your friend yes I know this is risky. I know it won’t be easy and I don’t expect you to sugarcoat anything But I would appreciate your support. Honestly out of your mates I think this one probably cares most about your wellbeing so you don’t want to lose her.

I also suggest you demand more information about HELLP from your consultant and swot up. Have you been tested for clotting disorders? Thyroid problems? Some clotting disorders are more common in women with RA — if you have a CD, RA, and preclamsia you will need a lot of help!

Original poster
Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 15:56

If it was highly likey to happen again and we had been medically advised against it, of course we wouldnt have got pregnant again. This has been being discussed for a year.
What a strange assumption that against all advise I would choose to go ahead any way. It's only happening because we have been told it's safe to do so!!!

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IABUQueen · 21/05/2019 15:58

I had a friend in an abusive relationship with a disabled child.

I was supporting her for years, invested so much emotions.. and then when she had an opportunity to leave... she decided she wanted to give it another shot.. over and over..

And I knew I had to respect her decision.. but I could no longer hear her out when she needed to call me stating that she wishes she was dead and that he has attacked her..

Was too emotionally painful and she wasn’t doing anything about it.. I didn’t blame her but I just couldn’t be that person anymore..

Baskerville · 21/05/2019 16:01

The recurrence of HELLP syndrome is actually pretty high, OP. A woman in my NCT group had it, and was in a coma for days, so we all ended up having a crash course on a condition none of us had ever heard of. (We're no longer in touch, but I believe she decided against another child.)

And I don't suppose your friend is only thinking of the possibility of eclampsia and related conditions -- she's been watching you be in horrible pain for a year before you even conceived, and now you're dealing with unmedicated pain, pregnancy symptoms and a small child into the bargain. You've already put yourself through a lot.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2019 16:02

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7943105/

19% and 48% respectively.

From the preeclampsia foundation:

Women with a history of HELLP syndrome are at increased risk of all forms of preeclampsia in subsequent pregnancies. The rate of preeclampsia in subsequent pregnancies ranges from 16 to 52%, with higher rates if the onset of HELLP syndrome was in the second trimester. The rate of recurrent HELLP syndrome ranges from 2 to 19% depending upon the patient population studied.

I mean did the doctor really tel you it was 'highly unlikely'? Or just it wouldn't necessarily happen.

It's fine to decide to risk it, that's OK. But I'm wondering why you are highly unlikely to have a reoccurrence when so many women do.

Original poster
Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 16:02

I haven't been complaining about my other pregnancy. It happened. It was sudden and it was hard.
I've been in pain yes but I cope with things because this is my every day life and I'm not suddenly not have arthritis and previous to trying to become pregnant it was managed with medication.
I appreciate you are making comments and judgements from my previous posts and dont know the full story. You also dont know me.
I thought I would ask if anyone else had experienced this.
I'm dealing with it.
I'm pregnant- not going to change and I have not gone in to this with my eyes closed.
To assume I've gone in to this without medical back up or all the information is a wrong assumption.
If you know anything about severe pre eclampsia or HELLP syndrome you will know that its is very rare and I was unlucky.
Like I've said, I have spoken to the doctors long before we took the jump to come off the medication and try to conceive and the doctors said it would be fine.

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Original poster
Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 16:06

Aside from all of that, I'm going by advise given to me and research.
Think what you like about all of that. I can only act on what I've been told or read about it.
You obviously have your opinions and that's ok.
I have spoken to my friend and we are fine.
Strangers opinions are not what matter to me but those of my friends and family.
Thank you for all of your replies.

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Original poster
Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 16:07

MrsTerryPratchett, do you happen to be an ante natal consultant?

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Original poster
Autumnleaves105 · 21/05/2019 16:08

I'll take my medical advise from medical professionals who I have spoken with.

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Teddybear45 · 21/05/2019 16:08

It isn’t rare or unlucky. Severe Preclamsia and autoimmune conditions (including RA) go hand in hand. So because you have had it once, there’s at least a 52% it will return. Your consultant, if you did take advice prior to pregnancy, did not advise you correctly. Or, more likely, you misunderstood. It is only a rare condition in the normal population - when you have had it before and you have RA or SLE or a clotting disorder the recurrance rates go up.

tessiegirl · 21/05/2019 16:12

Op has your friend got children herself?