My friend doesn't agree with my pregnancy.

[Autumnleaves105]

I'm pregnant with my second child. I have health issues including arthritis and have been off my medication for a year in order to conceive and have been struggling with pain etc.
I'm now 13 weeks pregnant and still suffering with all of that, pregnancy symptoms and a toddler.
My first child was delivered at 27 weeks due to pre eclampsia and I then had HELLP syndrome.
It was not an easy time.
The past year health wise hasn't been easy.
However, my husband and I have not taken this decision lightly. I knew it was going to be hard, I also know when I'm able to go back on my medication the pain will he easier to manage.
I wanted a big family but am stopping at 2. I don't want the arthritis etc to rule my life. I know it's going to be challenging but both me and my husband wanted a second child.
I told my friend and she has changed. Wasn't pleased and has not been supportive. I asked her about it and she said she's just worried and that I better find a way to cope.
I feel like I can't talk to her anymore.
We've been getting along with texts but it doesn't feel the same.
I told her I've been struggling and she's not replied and I feel like she's judging me.
Any others experienced this kind of reaction?

No one needs to be an antenatal consultant to read the stats off a peer-reviewed report from a credible source, OP.

Strangers opinions are not what matter to me but those of my friends and family.

Yet you came on the internet to ask strangers for their opinion because you didn't like what your friend was telling you.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

I haven't misunderstood. I dont know what more I can say other than the fact I have repeated several times that I have spoken with medical professionals.
Unless you yourselves are medical professionals and have access to my medical notes etc you can say your opinions or the medical facts you claim to know all you like.
Because as I say, I have taken the advise I have been given and am now pregnant.
Nothing is changing.

I have asked for strangers opinions on the subject of my first post. Advise about how to deal with the situation with my friend.
I dont know what else to say at this point because I'm repeating myself.

No my friend hasn't got children herself.
She doesn't live in this country any longer so I dont often see her but still class her as a good friend.
I think it's a bump in the road and will all settle.
Like I've said, I've just spoken to her and it's been better.
Just going to get on with it all now and focus on the next few months.

Good luck op. Wishing you the best.

I’m sorry that our opinions are sounding intrusive and unsupportive. This is a sensitive time for you. But I thought it’s better that you don’t lose out on a friend in RL that actually seems to care.. you better hear the truth from us thst It does sound that she cares but she is finding your decision overwhelming.

Doesn’t change the fact that this is your life and your decision to make. I’m with you. But it’s tough for those who care about you to see your suffer. Hopefully you won’t as you are right what consultants told u matter more than any of us here.

OP, is your arthritis an autoimmune one? If so, there are good odds that it will go into remission during your pregnancy and that will at least make that part of things easier for you.

I hope all goes well.

She's concerned with how you will cope, and you've text her to say that you're struggling. Complaining to her will just strengthen in her mind that it's a stupid idea.

I was being honest with her. Its the first time I e told her I'm struggling. I'm not going to lie about how I'm coping as it's just a few bad days right now.
I'm not going to stop being honest with her because she has expressed concern.

It is a sensitive time and I do appreciate where people are coming from with different opinions. I know she is concerned, as am I, my husband and other family and friends.
I have takenmedical advise from people I have spoken with and theres not much more I can do about that if people here think all of those doctors are wrong because I have trusted them.
I am where I am now and that's not going to change.
It is an autoimmune arthritis, psoriatic and it is possible I could go in to remission and I'm hoping I do.
If I don't, I will cope as I have done already.
I'm in the second trimester now so other pregnancy symptoms should start to subside.
Thank you for your opinions and advice.

I'm 24 and have arthritis too - my DH and I wanted to do so much more before TTC but we made the decision to try early before my arthritis makes caring for a child impossible. I'm now 12 weeks and super excited.

It's a decision only you can make and not one person can doubt that, they have no right.

Good luck, hope your pain is as mild as can be x

Thank you Anderson.
Good luck with your pregnancy too.
People learn to deal with all sorts of things and the arthritis is no different.

Absolutely! I was encouraging a friend with MS to consider pregnancy as it meant so much to her despite the side effects of being off the meds.

I think you are very brave. As long as you go into it wholeheartedly..

I just feel if you have been discussing with said friend the implications of your illnees and she has been supportive, and if you expect her to support you in the same way.. perhaps let her in on your decision making process and why you weighed things up and decided it’s whats best?

It’s hard for someone who has been in the deep with you to not feel invested. It’s not nosey if you had made it their business to support you. It’s difficult to support someone and bare all the emotional pain with them without having some reassurances from said person that something is being done to help ones self.

People can only help you if they believe you are helping yourself. Which I’m sure you are. Perhaps you just need to communicate it.

Again this is full of assumptions. I was once that friend and this was my perspective. But it could’ve been a different situation.

I’m just keen that you have the RL support that you deserve.

I know her concerns come from love.
This isn't a sudden occurrence. I came off my medication last may and all my friends and family k ow the reasons why.
We would have gone down other routes if me being pregnant was too dangerous, but..I've covered that.
My other friends and family have been very supportive and I'm doing everything I can to cope with the arthritis that I can.
Medication I can take during pregnancy, having physio, seeing my rheumatologist and asking for help when i need to.
I'm fully aware of what I'm doing and am doing what I can to get by.
I dont sit around and feel sorry for myself or expect people to feel sorry for me. I am not that person and never have been. I get on with my life and I'm not stupid in trusting the medical professionals I have spoken with. I am not naive.
I have gone in to this with all the information I can have and have been discussing this for at least 2 years.
I'm open and honest with my friends as they are with me.
I don't moan about how I'm feeling because unless its unbearably bad, pain is a normal part of life for me at the moment and not worth mentioning.
Family and friends have been amazingly supportive and trust the opinions of my doctors as I do.
It's hard and I've cried and had my struggles but I will get through the other side of this and cope like I always have done.

Oh congratulations @Autumnleaves105

I do not think your friend is being nasty, after what you have said I think your friend is worried about you and how you will manage with a newborn, toddler and Arthritis?

and the doctors said it would be fine.

No Dr will say that.

I had pre eclampsia in my first pregnancy. When I asked if I could get it again all they could say was you might do, they just couldn't predict it. Certainly no one ever said it would be fine.

I did actually get it again.

Obviously it's fine for you to decide to take the chance - I did. But it's also fine for your friend to walk away. She doesn't have to support you.

Oh do you are going to get annoyed at us as well as your friend @Autumnleaves105 because we are not saying what you want to hear?

I've had Pre Eclampsia with 2 of mine, both were induced at 37+3, both had stopped growing. My 3rd I was induced again at 37+3, but that was a normal pregnancy, but baby was small too.

What's done is done, but please stop getting your knickers in a twist just because we share a different POV. If anything was to reoccur and things went wrong, your DH will be left bringing 2 little ones up on his own.

Of course there will be a risk that's why I'm being monitored. What I meant by that is that I haven't been advised against it.
Any how, this has been done to death now.
I've explained the situation, the opinions etc.
Ultimately I asked about my friend. Shes entitled to her opinion and the way she feels, as am I.
I posted to ask advice on this particular situation with my friend as she is the only one out of all concerned friends and family who have reacted this way.
It has helped me understand it more from a different perspective as when I first posted I was hurt by the reaction. I've come to understand it more.
That's all I wanted. I didn't need advice on the medical side of things because, like I've explained.

I don't think you can do anything about your friend really. If she feels that she can't support then she can't.

If you've got other support can you just try to keep the conversation light with this friend? Rather than talk about how you are and things? Maybe she will come around

Yes, that's her choice. This was the first time I've said I'm struggling to her. She has since responded and it's been better as I've said upthread.
Other friends and family are supportive. A lot of people struggle with early pregnancy symptoms, my cousin in particular has. The addition for me is the arthritis pain because of me coming off certain medication.
Only a few months to go now before I can go back on that medication and get back to where I was.

Maybe she feels like she can’t take any more of it OP

I know anecdotes don't mean anything but my mum had pre eclampsia with my sister and nearly died. She then had me and sailed through. Doctors were still cross and told her not to risk her life again. This was 30years ago...

Either way, OP is certain of the advice she has received. I think I would be a bit worried now and just get a second opinion just so you can stay safe and be prepared etc. Too late yes but properly prepared is best. Unless multiple doctors have said the same thing of course.

Congrats. I think your friend cares but maybe feels she doesn't want to get too involved in supporting you through this. This is ok. I have hip issues due to spd so I'm now pregnant again after 6 years, I got advice from my chiropractor who is going to help me through but I certainly dont feel I should moan to friends if the pain starts again. Which you have said you dont Express the pain to her anyway.

I did have a friend who was advised not to conceive for a year by her consultant, she didn't listen and got pregnant. The pregnancy wasnt viable and she was offered a surgical procedure to remove the empty sac, which she was advised to do due to her illness. But no she wanted to let mature take it course. She then went on to be very poorly with crohn's flare up. I supported her but it did make me distance myself from after she was better.

This is different from you as you gave not had similar advice. Take it easy and enjoy with friends and family who are there, but enjoy time with your friend doing other stuff talking about other stuff.

Is it worth seeing a womens physiotherapist to help you get through the pregnancy?