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Original poster

Disappointment over gender reveal

38 replies

Carter7654 · 28/04/2019 10:49

I feel bad for writing this but have been feeling a bit down since my gender reveal yesterday after finding out we have another boy on the way. We have an older son and my husband has two older boys from a previous marriage who stay with us half The week. Given that we now have four children to support, it’s not really practical that we have anymore which is why I think i feel more upset about it. What made it worse is my husband knew the week and a half from our scan leading up to the reveal and in my opinion steered me in to thinking it was a girl so i conVincent myself in to thinking it was. Part of me felt that I shouldn’t get my hopes up but then I also felt my hubby knew I was hoping for a girl and wouldn’t set me up for a disappointment like that. What was worse it that I then told a bunch of people I thought it was a girl and how excited i was so then I felt a bit stupid when it emerged that it wasn’t.

I know this isn’t a catastrophe and I will love my baby but I feel a bit upset with my hubby and myself for putting me in this situation. I have spoken to my husband and he acknowledged how I feel but said he didn’t realise it was such a big deal to me and just wanted it to be a surprise but that’s just made me feel a bit let down that he doesn’t understand me better

OP posts:

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TheVanguardSix · 28/04/2019 10:53

Your DH hasn't steered you into these feelings. It's not his fault you feel this way. You feel this way because you set the bar high and got your hopes up. We've all been there, even if we believe, at the time, we're doing well not getting our hopes up. I think your disappointment is getting the better of you, momentarily. It will pass.
Congratulations

Original poster

Carter7654 · 28/04/2019 10:56

Well he did to be honest by strongly implying it was a girl and then not disallusioning me when I formed that opinion. He’s acknowledged that, just said he did it to add to the surprise rather than intentionally wanting to upset me

OP posts:

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 28/04/2019 10:59

Op it might be worth talking through these feelings with a councillor before baby makes his arrival. It’s not usual to feel this way but it seems very heightened with you.

When you knew you felt this way having a sex announcement (party?) where you were prolonging the period where you didn’t know and (and where you found out alongside others?) always had a 50% fuck-up rate potential.

Congratulations on your new baby. Girls are really not different to boys unless you treat them in very gendered ways.

Good luck!

MumofTinies · 28/04/2019 11:05

I knew before I opened the thread this would be about a boy baby, these threads always are

Thesearmsofmine · 28/04/2019 11:07

OP I have three boys and admit I was a bit sad that I will never have a girl, my feelings after our scan surprised me tbh. It is quite common from what i have read.
However I do have three lovely sons and you will have four lovely boys in your life, how lucky are we?! I can’t imagine my family any other way now.

I don’t feel it is fair to put this on your husband, if you chose to keep the surprise and have a gender reveal then it is you that delayed it and your husband played along with what you wanted.

MMxO · 28/04/2019 11:08

I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and we have decided not to find out the sex of the baby to try and avoid this feeling. I have two older boys and really want a little girl although I've got a feeling this is a little boy too what I find the hardest is other peoples opinions, 'oh imagine it's another boy' 'aw I hope for your sake it's a girl'

To make it worse another two member of our family are due just after me and it will really annoy me if family are happier with their arrivals.

Sorry I know it's not about me but it's definitely a horrible feeling and I totally sympathise I only hope for you once your little boy is in your arms happy and healthy it'll lift a lot of your feelings. Good luck.

SoyDora · 28/04/2019 11:11

To be honest unless your DH knew you wanted a girl I can see why he did what he did... he was jusy trying to make the ‘big reveal’ more exciting for you. To be honest if I knew someone who was having a big gender reveal I’d assume they had no preference, otherwise wouldn’t you rather find out quietly?

Ploppymoodypants · 28/04/2019 11:12

Mumoftimes, it’s not always boys. We have just had DD2 which we were both delighted about, and both DH and I have had people asking if we are disappointed and going to try again for a boy 🤷🏼‍♀️
We always reply ‘why?’.

OP, I can I understand how you feel, and my friend had a similar situation. She is now besotted with her 3 week old baby and has forgotten all about her initial gender disappointment. Another friends DH was disappointed to have a girl, but the girl is now 3 and she and her dad are thick as thieves and he out right denies having ever mentioned he wanted a boy 😁

Thesearmsofmine · 28/04/2019 11:13

@MumofTinies I often see if this way around too but my sister was the opposite so it’s a case of it always being that way at all.
I have no idea why I hoped for a girl, I am not into gender stereotypes, it was something that surprised me.

Thesearmsofmine · 28/04/2019 11:14

not a case*

popcorndiva · 28/04/2019 11:17

One day one of these threads it will be disappointment about a girl . Why is it only boys ? I love my boy and actually hope the next baby is one. If it's a girl I will be just as happy though

Thesearmsofmine · 28/04/2019 11:31

@popcorndiva nobody has said they don’t love their boys 🙄

SinkyMalinks · 28/04/2019 11:40

These gender disappointment threads are always about boys though, aren’t they? I don’t think I’ve ever seen one about a girl.

Boys are awesome. Good job - I’ll be having another in 3 weeks

popcorndiva · 28/04/2019 11:46

@thesearmsofmine I didn't say they hated their boys. Just that if you already have a boy surely you know how fab they are...a girl might turn out to be a tomboy anyway so might not want to wear frilly headbands and dresses.

Thesearmsofmine · 28/04/2019 12:01

Because someone might only want a girl to put them in frilly headbands and dresses?

I love having boys, I had two and was delighted, when I had my third son I admit I surprised myself that I felt sad to never have a daughter, frilly stuff isn’t my bag(although my middle son loves pink and princesses, so we have it anyway). I have no idea why i was sad, I didn’t expect to feel that way but it obviously came from somewhere. Maybe if you had a third you might feel the same, you can’t say you definitely wouldn’t because I didn’t ever think I would feel that way. It’s irrational.

Angelinthenightx · 28/04/2019 12:18

poor boys and yes they are always seen to be about boys.be lucky your having a healthy baby that is the most important thing people forget that ,alot of babies die or have problems ,think people forget that side of things can happen.
Its time that people stopped finding out what they are having as when they baby is here all that feelings will go.
Congrats with your boy, all babies our lovely whatever their gender.

FannyFeatures · 28/04/2019 12:26

If you had a preference I really think having a big public "reveal", which was always going to have a 50:50 chance of "disappointing" you, was a bit of daft thing to do.

Your DH hasn't done anything wrong.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 28/04/2019 12:27

They grow to be different from you in many more ways than their sex. Both of my older two (boys incidentally) have gone down routes very different from what I expected/anticipated in respect to their aptitudes and interests. This is your first lesson in that absolutely crucial aspect of parenting which is enabling them to be what they are and not what your idea of them is.

.Having an event to 'reveal' the baby's sex makes that detail into something much more important than it actually is, in terms of your relationship.

popcorndiva · 28/04/2019 13:08

I am probably just reacting to seeing a lot of gender announcements where the first thing they do is buy a frilly dress or mention how they can't wait to have their shopping partner here and do their nails together. I know not everyone does this but it comes up a lot.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 28/04/2019 13:12

Pop on over to the infertility or miscarriage board perhaps then you will feel more fortunate x

Kennehora · 28/04/2019 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvengersAssemble · 28/04/2019 13:17

I hate the whole idea of Gender reveals, what will be will be.

outsho · 28/04/2019 14:10

It baffles me that given the amount of people who suffer from infertility and miscarriage/stillbirth why the sex of a healthy baby is ever remotely important.

JE87 · 28/04/2019 15:17

I wrote a similar post here earlier in the week. Sobbed all day which I knew was completely ridiculous and I was so happy the baby is healthy but I couldn't help feeling a little sad it wasn't a little girl. Within a few hours any negative feelings had gone and I can't wait to see my baby boy! You will feel better in a few days but don't beat yourself up about feeling this way, it's very common!

Sessy19 · 28/04/2019 15:35

Wow, I’m surprised how lacking in compassion this community can be for a disappointed and HORMONAL sister. Awful!!

OP, I’m really sorry about your disappointment. It’s a sorry pill to swallow, especially when you know that the likelihood of having a girl is now pretty low. I watched a documentary once about a woman who had 8 boys, waiting for a daughter. And she sobbed and sobbed at the sexing scans for the last four. She loves her tribe, of course, but she does lament her ‘loss’. It’s real. It’s ok.

Now you know, you have some time to focus on what you do have, and you will feel utter joy when your son arrives. But it’s ok to be disappointed now. You won’t feel it forever, I’m certain xxx

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