Aww OP. I feel for you so much. I was in your position when I was 27 and my partner at the time 26. When we’d got together three years earlier I’d told him I wanted to try for babies around 27-28 and asked if he wanted similar things and he said he did. So I started the relationship believing we were on the same page about our future. However, when we got to the time to start trying he didn’t want to and couldn’t tell me when or if he would (‘maybe when we’re in our late thirties’) which was devastating to me as I wanted a child so badly and couldn’t envisage waiting that long or very long at all as I have fertility issues. But he was very steadfast and clear he did not want a baby. The occasional waver of trying to convince himself it might be okay, but my goodness who wants a man who has to talk themselves into having a child with you for their baby’s father?
It caused so much conflict for six months or so as we went back and forth with me pushing and pushing and him resisting and resisting until he broke up with me. I was gutted as other than this we were good together, and I loved him, but within a week I could see it was for the best and very shortly afterwards I felt immense gratitude that he had been the one to pull the trigger and break us up as I knew even if we made it through the rough patch and stayed together once the adrenaline of almost separating wore off I’d resent him deeply and not be able to be happy. Every time a friend announced a pregnancy I’d be over the moon to their face then sob in the bathroom. Ever pregnant lady I saw I’d feel sick with envy. I truly wanted a baby more than anything in the world and it felt like the biggest blessing we could receive imagining us together with a child but to him it was a nightmare. In a way I’m glad I stood my ground as otherwise we might have stayed together and kids would have faded more and more into the distance. But he knew I couldn’t be happy with him without a family and he knew it wasn’t fair to just say ‘maybe someday’ when a woman has a limited time window to have them. The thing that made him realise he had to split us up was his friend who had two kids saying ‘trust me, if a woman wants a baby, she’s having a baby’, i’d never have tricked him into it ever, but I also felt like I couldn’t stop pushing it until I got a date to start trying. In retrospect of course I know trying to convince him was the wrong move and it’d have been a complete disaster having a child with him for many reasons but not least his reluctance. If I went through it again I’d walk away once I realised our views for the future were so different. I really am glad he didn’t just roll over for an easy life, he admitted later when we first met and he said he did want kids soonish he didn’t even really think about it, he just wanted to be with me and say whatever it took to keep seeing me.
Once we broke up I got over it pretty damn fast and started dating within a couple of weeks as I moved cities and wanted to get out there and meet new people, not looking for anything serious, and babies of course evaporated from my immediate goals. But when I met OH three weeks into being single, on our second date I told him why my ex and I broke up and that I planned to have a family within the next two or three years, and if that didn’t fit with his plans that’s totally cool but let’s be up front now. Inside I didn’t wanna waste another three years on a relationship that would only end for the same reasons with me even less fertile. He thought about it and said it was definitely something he wanted too, so we dated. Of course it was only hypothetical, we didn’t mean kids with each other when we’d just met! But having kids, marriage, these are huge issues and I’m a big fan of being upfront from the start about what you want so you avoid being in a relationship fraught with tension due to different goals. He was only 24 when we met and me 28 and still a student so I was cautious thinking he might be too young for my life stage, my ex had got me thinking all men hate having kids and want to avoid it as long as possible.
Anyway to cut the boring part out we dated a year, moved in, and a couple months later had a conversation (initiated by me... but I felt empowered to do so) about when we’d start trying. We weighed up the pros and cons and timing of our careers as we both have fairly high powered careers and my OH in particular has ongoing serious exams his entire career, we considered where we wanted to be financially by the time we started trying (for example we decided we wanted to buy a house first or at least be in the process of doing so and to have a certain amount in savings) and then we set a date so that even if we got pregnant immediately (unlikely!) we would have a newborn after his exam period.
Then we got on with our lives, it was eighteen months away, so we worked hard and saved a certain amount per month, started to look at houses, reserved one, and as we got closer started some medical investigations for my fertility in advance, which found only one unblocked Fallopian tube and endo. We pushed our TTC date forward a couple months due to this news and somehow got pregnant first cycle as we both threw everything we could at it (tracking, ovulation sticks, fancy lube, legs in the air etc). I’m only six weeks and I dunno if it’ll stick but we’re about to complete on the house so plenty to keep us busy :)
OP you have no idea what a dream my life feels like now, to be with a partner who actively wants kids. With my ex it was horrific every day having that urge and knowing I couldn’t fulfil it. When my OH and I got the positive test we were both so delighted and we’re so cautiously excited, thinking of names and nursery themes and he whispers good luck to my belly every day to encourage the bean to keep sticking haha. It’s a delight, and if it doesn’t work out we’ll try again. Babymaking was so fun knowing we both wanted it and I feel so relaxed and excited about the future and so confident and secure and protected with a man who, despite being only 27, will make a great father and loves this baby already and works so hard to provide.
When my ex and I broke up this is everything I wanted but couldn’t dream of being so lucky to get. But I realised this wasn’t all just luck. There are men who want kids out there, lots of them. Don’t let your husbands reluctance convince you all men are like that. He’s absolutely within his rights not to want a child. But if he did actually want one deep down he’d be able to tell you when. He wouldn’t keep you dangling. I suspect he doesn’t actually want kids or not for a good decade but can’t ssy cos he is scared of the repercussions and the fact you’d have to break up. He wants you but not kids in the foreseeable whereas you’re aching for them right now.
The resentment from both sides will creep in. You’re young but you have no idea whether you’ll be someone who conceives easily or someone who’s infertile and needs rounds of fertility treatment. Personally I didn’t wanna leave it much later than thirty if possible as I wanted time to work at it if something was wrong.
You seem so staunch you won’t divorce. Do you think you can be happy with this man if you don’t ever have kids, or not for five, ten years? Does he ever talk about kids and what it’d be like or is that always you? The fact you can’t even discuss it is a bad sign.
It’s unfair for him not to give you even a rough timeline, but even if he does I would take it with a grain of salt based on my experiences. If I were in your shoes I’d tell him if he can’t tell you when he’ll be ready or what he wants you to achieve together before a baby you’d like to start trying in 6-12 months, and then leave it for a bit. If in that time he hasn’t come around to genuinely wanting a baby (not a ‘fine I’ll do it for you’) then I would start making plans to separate, and then date with the intention to find a father for your children in a couple of years. If you weren’t desperate for a baby already I’d say there’s no rush at all. But you are and it takes its toll and it’s a normal thing to feel just like your husbands feelings are perfectly normal too, and as the person not wanting kids his desire has to take precedence.
Didn’t you discuss this before marriage btw? It’s so fundamental to your lives together, if you didn’t you basically took a huge gamble. Just bear in mind things take time and it’s a risk to stay with a man who doesn’t want kids for more years when you could be meeting someone who wants them and having children while you’re still fertile. I got lucky but I’m only where I am right now sat here very slightly (!) pregnant because four years ago at 27 I realised if I didn’t start making a plan now I could easily end up with time running out (staying with ex longer, then not getting lucky enough to meet a guy right away, then a new relationship ending and grieving then meeting someone else, then enough time together to settle in and bond and accrue resources before having kids, then boom you’re late thirties and with health issues might be lucky to have one child maybe let alone dreams of more).
Sorry this has been long but hope it gives you food for thought. You can’t convince someone to want kids nor should you try. But given you’re currently saying you wouldn’t split up, that therefore leaves you in a position where your only solution is to find a way to force yourself to be okay with not having kids anytime soon. Personally I couldn’t do it, and I tried, I just couldn’t. It affected my everyday life. You have to ask yourself if it’s worth it to be with a man who knows you want a family and yet can’t or won’t even tell you when that’s on the table. At the minute he’s making decisions unilaterally, and if he knows he doesn’t want them he needs to tell you but sadly I think he won’t and so you’ll have to deduce that from his actions.