Please help - how do I convince husband to start trying for a baby?

[MrsJ0507]

My husband and I got married last year and recently celebrated our first anniversary. He truly is my soul mate and best friend and that reflects the fact that we’ve actually been together since we were 15 (we are 27 now so we’ve had 12 amazing years together). However we’ve got a big problem - I want a baby and he doesn’t. It’s not that he doesn’t want kids ever it’s just he doesn’t want them at the moment and has no idea when he will (trust me I’ve tried to get a time frame out of him to make it easier). Without going into too much biological detail, we’ve always used no forms of contraception only the withdrawal method and I’ve never got pregnant so another constant worry is that one of us is infertile. However recently there has been 2 occasions where we have effectively tried for a baby but he was terrified afterwards I would pregnant and even suggested the morning after pill which I was devastated by. It turned out I didn’t get pregnant so he was relieved. Just for context, we both work really hard, have had a stable home together for more than 5 years and I try everyday to work even harder taking on more stress and responsibility to earn more money (currently I’m on £40k) to give us the best life I can. He’s always stressing about money even though we are in a good financial position and only have credit card debt of £2k which includes a holiday for us both later this year and I’m confident the card will be paid off in full in the next 4 months but he still worries about it and his main motivation for not having a baby is not having enough money despite me trying to reassure him that there is never a right time and most people don’t think they will have enough money and that it’s part of human nature but he doesn’t agree with that. He gives me mixed messages by implying he wanted for a baby to try on those 2 occasions I mentioned and even said he would be happy and we would be ok if I got pregnant but the contradicts himself straight after saying he doesn’t want one yet. When I asked if we were actually after the first occasion of ‘trying’ he totally blew his lid that I even thought it meant that. I’ve tried my best talking to him and really laying out my soul which took a lot of courage by telling him just how much I’m hurting but when we had a really long discussion over it last month, the ensuing argument was so bad I nearly decided to end our relationship. I’m just looking for any help or advice you have to offer as talking to him is clearly not an option nor do I want to split up over this. I feel like I’m spiralling into a deep depression with no one I can turn to. I just feel like I’m being pathetic but I don’t even know how to describe it. I keep making banter with my family, friends and colleagues as I continuously get asked when we will have a baby, I have to laugh it off and say not yet when deep down I think about it every single day and every time someone asks it cuts a little bit deeper. I love him so much and know he loves me too and I keep thinking we have done everything we have wanted to with our lives so far and therefore I can’t wait to share this experience with him but he’s just not ready and I’m not sure how to deal with that anymore. I feel like I’m running out of time since I never wanted to be older parents (my grandparents and parents were both teenagers so I’m very lucky that I’ve been brought up with everyone around me still and had the best childhood with an active family) and my sister is getting married abroad next year so if we don’t do it now then we will have to wait until at least after her wedding next year so that’s something else I’ve had to consider - please help ?!

If u want more than 1 child then starting now is a good time,can take a while to get pregnant aswell so that needs to be thought about.
U cant change your husbands mind but i think u need to tell him your true feelings

My parents are both older parents. I was brought up with everyone still around me. In fact my last grandparent just passed at the age of 99 and I'm almost 40. I had a very active family and household. Your DH just sounds like he's not ready. At 27 I understand that feeling. Either you wait or you move on. But honestly you cannot persuade someone into having a baby. It's a terrible idea.

I would be cautious OP. A very good friend of mine was in a similar situation and it didn’t work out too well for her. Like you she married her childhood sweetheart/the love of her life and he had promised her they would have children soon after marriage. Their first, second, third anniversary came and went with him making endless excuses. He would always say things such as ‘maybe next year when I get a pay rise’, ‘maybe when we buy a bigger house’, ‘let’s enjoy life as a couple for a while longer’ etc. Eventually she had been fobbed off for so many years, her fertility was in decline as she was almost 40 so she decided to sit him down and basically demand they TTC that year. It didn’t go well and they separated...

She is now in her mid forties and never met anyone to have a child with. Considered using a sperm donor but her eggs weren’t in the best shape. She is now considering adoption. Her ex husband (cheeky bastard) met someone else a year later and they now have twins! My friend was beyond devastated as I’m sure you can imagine.

Your DH is being hugely irresponsible using the withdrawal method when he is adamant he doesn’t want a child. I suspect if an ‘accident’ ever did occur he would freak out and demand you have a termination, sounds like the sort.

It could go either way. You could either wind up like my friend or your DH could actually end up changing his mind in a couple of years. You need to be blunt and honest with him and don’t buy any bullshit excuses. Give him a time frame in which you want to start trying and if he isn’t on the same page as you, reconsider the marriage. You are only 27 so you luckily have time to find someone else to have a child with if it comes to that.

This is my exact story. I totally get it. We've been married ten years and have relied on the withdrawal method. It started to really worry me that we'd never even had a 'scare'. When I was about 28 - I'm 30 now - I started baby chat with my DH. He was the same as your partner - awkward, unsure, scared of change. It caused countless arguments. One day we babysat my niece and I learned when my SIL came home that they were going to start ttc with their second. I know it shouldn't come in to it, but it felt so unjust that we'd been married about seven years longer than them and they were moving on to baby number 2! When we drove home I was inconsolable. Poor DH. He just wasn't there. I decided that I love him. And he deserves space. Men just don't have the same hormones flying around. I tried to not mention it for a few months. Little did I know it was nevertheless on his mind and he had been given some good advice by older women work colleagues. We've now been taking pre-natal vitamins for a couple of months and will start trying in May. I really don't think pressure is the way forward. Give him the space to feel like he has some control over the decision or he'll always resent it.

Just to add, I did get myself checked out to an extent - had blood tests to check my hormones were as they should be. DH has now done a sperm test, but I would have asked sooner.

I,too, know of couples where the male partner was adamant he wasn't ready for DC for them to split up and the very next relationship he had ( within weeks in one case) he was having a child with his new partner.

In both the cases I know the women didn't go on to have any DC as left it too late.

A uni friend I know always wanted children and a DH but she is still a 'fiance' : childless and now in her 50s.

The withdrawal method can actually be a pretty effective method of contraception and not getting pregnant on it is in no way indicative of fertility issues. There is mixed research on whether sperm is actually released in pre-cum, and some research suggests that only some men do and others don't at all (I realise this is very against the MN, but do some research into it for yourself). A lot of pregnancies on it are due to poor timing on the man's behalf.

We used the withdrawal method for three years (pregnancy wouldn't have been a disaster) before trying to conceive and conceived with no problems when we started trying. So don't get too hung up on thinking about fertility because of that.

I would ask him honestly if he thinks he will ever want children and if so then when. I’ve known too many women whose partners have kept putting it off until it was too late and then admitted that they never wantrd children at all.

If he doesn’t want children then you’ll have to decide if having a family is more important to you than your marriage.

Life doesnt always go how we expect or wish it to for lots of different reasons and it sounds as though you are becoming fixated on the issue of when to start having children. Your post suggests that you are under a lot of stress, thinking about the best time to start a family and because of taking on additional work. You need to find a way to address this stress which is not going to be good for yourself or your relationship. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your partner so you are already in a good place - try not to lose sight of that.

I think it would be a good idea to think about and focus on what you really enjoy about your relationship with your husband and for the next few months without worrying about what comes next, this should give you both some breathing space. The issue of when to start trying for a baby won't go away, but perhaps you can try to park it somewhere in your mind to be thought of again in the future.

When it comes to finances, people often have different ideas about what security means - for you having a good income and a £2000 credit card bill might be perfectly reasonable but your husband might view debt very differently. Set aside some time to have an honest discussion with each other about how you feel about your finances, what standard of life you hope to achieve, how you feel about your housing situation and what level of debt if any is appropriate for you. If you think about this individually and then discuss it as a couple you may discover that you both have different attitudes. Figure out how to move forward with that will probably involve a compromise on both sides. Once you have established the ideal financial situation for both of you - then you can make a plan for how you will get to that point.

Only you can know yourself whether you can continue to build a relationship with a man who doesn't know when he will want children. Dont forget that he does want to have children in the future, he just doesnt feel ready yet.

From personal experience I can say I was ready to start a family long before my husband and waiting for him to catch up with me wasnt entirely stress free but I am very glad I waited until he was 100% ready.

you are very young and have only known life with each other - you sound very settled at a very young age, and perhaps he's finding that a bit stifling, and doesn't want to be any more constrained by having a baby?

@MrsJ0507
Sorry, I also meant to say that I found t very stressful when people asked me about when/ if I would be having children when I was ready and my husband wasn't. I never talked to my husband about how this made me feel and I would fob people off with the usual 'we will see' or 'maybe someday' answers. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your husband (if you havent already) about what you might share with people when they ask you questions - I dont know for certain but I think this is something women generally experience more than men, so he perhaps doesnt realise the pressure you are under.

The other thing I wanted to say was that it might be helpful if you try to put yourselves in each others position and imagine how the other is feeling right now - your partner needs to do this as much as you do. Ultimately you are a team, and if one of you isnt ready, the team isnt ready but you are building a good foundation and have time on your side.

My partner and I both read an excellent book about relationships called 'rewriting the rules' by meg-john Barker. I recommend it to literally everyone who has any relationship problem they are working on.

Wow - this is the very first time I have ever asked for advice for anything for something so personal, I am truly overwhelmed by the response. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply to me. There was a couple of things raised which I didn’t cover originally which I can write about now. So before we got married and as we were getting older he always used to say that the perfect time to have a baby according to him would be around 25. So that’s something I always had in my head and before we got married he said ‘we will just see what happens’ after the wedding which implied to me that we wouldn’t be careful any more and let nature decide. But obviously this didn’t immediately happen and I’ve been hoping since that we would just naturally start trying since we enjoyed our first year of marriage until it all came to light during our recent talks. I know he feels a lot of pressure from society norms too and I get the feeling he’s almost rebelling from that. He has friends with 1 or more kids already and we even have god children - he’s absolutely amazing with them (makes me think more that he would be a great dad) and they love him to bits so it’s not as if he doesn’t have anyone around him without kids. There’s even a board in his office with bets on who will have a baby next - we’ve been at the top since our engagement so I can understand that he cannot escape the pressure also. We’ve already got 2 cats and refer to them as our babies so we definitely have a unit already. I feel so stupid for wanting more when on the outside we have a good life. I am the breadwinner and I think he’s understandably worried about monthly cash flow if I was off work. I’ve tried asking him what it is he wants to achieve life wise before kids or how much money should we save first but he said he doesn’t know - not in the way that he doesn’t want to give me an answer just that he doesn’t know how much we will actually need or what he wants from his life . I think part of him is more afraid of officially saying let’s have a baby, if it happened then I know he would be ok with it based on what he says and the fact that we don’t use contraception. I’m worried about fertility issues and one of my close friends waited too long due to holidays weddings etc and now is going through IVF treatment and my husband knows how worried I am based on seeing her currently go through all this as she’s been relying on me for support. I think so far I’m leaning towards just trying to let the past couple of months lie now and give him so space to think about he wants - I realise it’s not fair at all for me to think he has to have a baby just because it’s what I want. We do have things to look forward to but some days are worse than others in terms of the longing for a family. I know that our marriage right now is more important to me but I won’t wait forever - I guess I can’t win since I can’t imagine having kids with any one else, I want a baby because I want HIS baby and for us to have that family unit.

You need to be very honest and if it's bugging you every day he should see that. If it's causing you real distress I'd go to counselling and make him aware. Also the fact fertility changes a lot with age...
Also remind him of all the things you can do with a chid! There are a lot of misconceptions.

Basically don't hide how you feel!

I feel so stupid for wanting more when on the outside we have a good life.

Please don’t feel stupid, this is entirely normal and understandable. My partner and I had a great life but that didn’t stop me feeling distraught every month that we were ttc without success. The desire for a child is a powerful thing.

It’s ok to want this and be upset if you can’t have it any time soon.

Sorry to hear what you're going through OP. I had this for years with my husband and can completely relate to the hurt it causes when you desperately want something. However, no amount of serious chats, pointing out fertility facts, tears and ultimatums would make him want to start trying. If anything the more I complained, the more it put him off. Finally he came round in his own time when I'd eased off a bit. I'm now 7 months pregnant. He's over the moon and so excited to be a father. So hugely frustrating at the time (I did consider leaving him at times!) but in the end it has all turned out ok and I'm glad we're bringing a child into the world when we were both 100% about it. Don't do anything drastic - as long as you have the reassurance he wants kids, he will come round to it.

I was in this position although older than you and a shorter relationship. OH was keen in the kind of open conversations you have when you first meet. Then it didn't really get discussed for 2 years, when he suddenly said he never wanted any children ever. I was pretty shocked and further discussions followed, in his case I knew he was committed to the relationship but the issues were to do with self esteem and previous experience of his own family. His parents kept asking me when we were having children. In the end I was pretty abrupt with them and told them to discuss it with their son! After a few emotional discussions with OH, I did some thinking about my options, knew I couldn't persuade or trick him, didn't want to split up, and decided to try and get used to the idea of not having children. As I am older I had potentially only a couple of years to play with and having had a few previous relationships, knew I probably wouldn't find anyone else I was happier with. The subject wasn't mentioned for a good 6 months, then one day it came up off hand after we'd spent a weekend with friends with children, and he said ok let's start trying. We had also been using withdrawal previously (which works fine as long as you do it properly BTW) but I got pregnant fairly quickly. Now he is fully on board with it.
I think you need to back off a bit having made your point, and prioritise the relationship. If he hasn't come round after another 6 months or year you can reconsider.
Similar to you I am the bigger earner and I think this made a difference as my OH has some old fashioned feelings about providing for his family. There have been some conversations about each bringing different things to the relationship, and it being good that his job is local and low key as I wouldn't want him working long hours and being away from home all the time when we have a young child. I genuinely mean this as I see friends whose husbands have high powered careers and barely see them during the week. We have enough money to manage and that's good enough for me (although I don't know why you have credit card debt with an income of 40,000? I would expect with that sort of income you should have decent savings by 27....Anyway that's probably not relevant!)

I feel so stupid for wanting more when on the outside we have a good life.

It’s reallt not stupid to want ‘more’ OP, what you want is so different to what you already have. It’s not like someone with multiple houses wanting another or you already have three cars and want a fourth or a second husband. You want a child: it’s a very normal thing to want and nothing can replace that urge I found, no amount of spending time with nephews and friends kids fulfilled the absolute drive to have my own for me. Please don’t be fooled into thinking you’re being unreasonable to want a child just because you have a nice home and marriage and a job.

Btw, with a salary of £40k how do you have a CC of £2000!? Surely unless you’re overcommitted up to your ears with a mortgage you can’t afford and car finance you can’t afford etc it wouldn’t take long to pay off £2000, and why did you get into that debt in the first place on your salary? Not judging just seems strange for a dual income no kids high earning couple to have got into any debt. Do you not have any savings? As I can see your husbands point on that issue (I still think it’s a smoke screen and he just doesn’t want a child deep down but finances are a convenient excuse. When he shouldn’t need one), if you’re earning that much and don’t have any savings yet have accrued debt I would certainly look at getting your finances in order before even thinking about a child. Not to give TMI but I’m on similar to you as is OH and in preparation for TTC we’ve both been saving around a grand between us each month and don’t have any debt other than student loans. I can’t imagine the life of Riley we’d have had to have been living to have no savings and debt with our income!