Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Gender disappointment

48 replies

JE87 · 24/04/2019 16:15

Hi all, I have been for my 20 week scan today. The baby was in an awkward position and from what she could see everything looked ok but I need to be scanned again next week. She said it looks as though it's a boy, and I shamefully felt so disappointed. I've always wanted a little girl but I didn't realise just how much. I burst into tears after the scan and my husband is now basically not speaking to me and said I'm a horrible person for not being happy with a healthy baby. I haven't stopped crying since this morning because I feel so guilty for having these thoughts in the first place. I feel as if I've failed as a mother already. Why am I sat here crying instead of being over the moon. I just needed to get this off my chest as I don't feel I can tell anyone else I feel this way. Looking for some support 😔

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Teddybear45 · 24/04/2019 16:20

It’s hormonal I’m sure. Your DH needs to be more sympathetic.

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 24/04/2019 16:24

Lots of women, pregnant or not can envisage themselves with a particular gender dc..
Doesn't mean when your gorgeous bundle arrives you will be gutted. I was told a girl on 3 scans over 20 weeks and had a boy!! Wow that was a shocker!!
Totally embraced my ds though!!

Flamingosnbears · 24/04/2019 16:25

Agree its probably hormonal especially with you saying you feel guilty if you genuinely felt disappointed in the sex of your baby you wouldn't feel guilty. Just be thankful for the healthy baby that you have been blessed with.

Redcliff · 24/04/2019 16:32

I was hoping for a girl and had similar feelings to you when the scan showed a boy. I am currently sitting here with my now 4yo ds and he is wonderful. I am sure you will be fine - its super common and you will love him so much - I promise!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/04/2019 16:36

You will be fine OP, these feelings will pass as quickly as they came. You just set your mind to a girl and now you just need a moment to change what you envisaged. You will of course be obsessed with your little man (assuming it definitely is). Don't let your OH make you feel guilty- Im sure lots of men have feelings when they imagine taking their son to football only to be told its a girl- they just dont articulate/ or feel guilty.

IVEgottheDECAF · 24/04/2019 16:39

We have three boys and a girl. Currently 20 weeks also and had kind of wanted a little sister for my dd! But she is getting another brother! I was a bit disappointed for her tbh but the baby is healthy so that is all that matters

NotSoThinLizzy · 24/04/2019 16:42

It's good though to get it all out of your system before baby is born too. You can now start imagining the wee one ect. You may get used to the idea. If not there is counseling and stuff you can have. I think loads of people get this so you're not alone. 😊

Poseyrose11 · 24/04/2019 16:43

I felt a bit disappointed when I found out I was having a boy. He was my first baby and thinking back on it now I could never have envisaged just how much I would love him, and how little the fact he was a boy would matter. My boy is perfect, so kind and caring and loving but with a fun wild streak once your boy is here you will adore him, and he will be every bit as special and wonderful as a little girl. Don’t feel guilty about your feelings, you can’t help feeling what you feel, but maybe you could take comfort in the fact you won’t feel like this for long.

RaspberryBubblegum · 24/04/2019 16:47

Ignore your husband it's totally normal! Give it a week and you'll start looking around at the baby boy clothes and you'll start being able to picture your future with your new baby. It's just shock. Let yourself feel whatever emotions you need to feel and don't feel guilty. I promise in a week or two you will feel so much better!

Piewraith · 24/04/2019 16:54

Ignore DH - your feelings are your feelings. But maybe talk about it with someone else, I guess he doesn't want to discuss it and that's fair as it is a sensitive topic. I'm gutted to not have a girl honestly. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I've discussed it with a few older women who's sons are now grown and they feel the same way - still. Maybe you have someone like this you can open up to.

cliquewhyohwhy · 24/04/2019 16:57

I felt exactly the same with my first. Convinced I was having a girl and when they said boy my heart sunk. Took me a good few weeks to get my head round it. But now I'm glad I had a boy first and then another boy. When they said girl for my third child I was secretly hoping for a third boy lol but I wouldn't change anything now. I'm glad I have my two little boys and a girl. Your feelings will change trust me. Congrats on having a boy!

Darkstar4855 · 24/04/2019 17:00

I always wanted a girl. We didn’t find out until birth but as soon as I saw my son I loved him dearly and wouldn’t have changed him for the world. Now I wonder why I wanted a girl! Boys are brilliant.

Rtmhwales · 24/04/2019 17:05

TBF if a woman posted on here that they'd found out they were having a girl and her DH was crying and sulking about it for hours they'd be telling her to kick some sense into him.

I would've been (privately) disappointed if they'd told me DS was going to be a girl, but it's 50/50 and I emotionally tried to prepare myself for either outcome. Try to explain to your DH that you don't mean it quite the way he thinks you do and you're just trying to realign your thinking from what your expectations were.

RedSheep73 · 24/04/2019 17:05

I understand how you feel. With my first, after 3 mcs I genuinely didn't care what it was as long as it was healthy, but after he was born I desperately wanted a girl. There was no way I was having a third so it felt like my only chance. One good thing about finding out now is that it gives you time to get used to the idea - the last thing I wanted was to have meeting my baby spoilt by disappointment about the gender. Better to get your sad feelings done now, move on and by the time the baby is born you'll be ready for him. Whatever happens, every child is an individual, and even if you do have a girl, she won't be the girl you imagined.

Hazlenutpie · 24/04/2019 17:07

I have three boys, love ‘em to bits. I think you have to work on not minding, I did and it worked.

Samind · 24/04/2019 17:08

What about a private scan? Just to make sure.

It will pass! The hormones are the absolute worst! Turned me into a big weeping angry mess at times 😂😂😂

Congratulations on your baby either way OP.

CaptSkippy · 24/04/2019 17:13

It's better to be disappointed now rather than after birth. You now have time to get used to the idea of having a boy and readjusting your expectations.

Also, your husband needs to get a grip. You are growing a baby inside of you. Until he can get pregnant and deal with all those changes he needs to be a lot more supportive or he is a horrible person.

supadupapupascupa · 24/04/2019 17:16

You know what? You feel how you feel! I was the same with my first. You can't help it you just do. But you've got 20 weeks to get used to the idea and once he arrives you will forget all about it I promise. There are advantages to boys, less clothes generally because everything mixes and matches being a big one! I've one of each and love them the same so don't worry. Have a good cry, and start imagining your little boy (super cute in dungarees) congratulations xxx

coral13 · 24/04/2019 18:18

I think it's natural for it to feel weird sometimes after the scan.

I genuinely didn't mind whether it was a boy/girl but I was convinced it was a boy all along without even trying so in my head I couldn't help but imagine it that way I guess. When I found out we're expecting a girl I was really shocked and had a little cry in the toilet straight after. It's not that I didn't want a girl at all but I just found it a shock. I'm now really excited and couldn't imagine it any other way!!

Original poster

JE87 · 24/04/2019 18:23

Thanks for all your kind replies. I definitely think it's just the shock and build up of it all. I of course love him just as much as if he were a girl. I think my reaction just really upset DH and that made me feel awful 🙁

OP posts:

Longislandicedme · 24/04/2019 18:31

You’re entitled to feel the way you do. When i was pregnant with DS I expected to have a girl. I’m an only child and because I’m a girl I just couldn’t see myself with anything other than a daughter as I imagined having a relationship like me and my mum. When I found out DS was a boy I was shocked but happy, I didn’t feel any disappointment at all but can understand where you’re coming from. My relationship with DS is how I imagined a relationship with a daughter to be. He is SO affectionate. He’s 3 and just loves kisses and cuddles and some of my friends with daughters the same age are lucky if they get a hug. Every child is different!
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Sometimes you envision yourself with a son/daughter and it can be overwhelming to find out you’re not having what you expected. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re disappointed, it is probably shock and hormones making that bit more upset.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! X

Fundays12 · 24/04/2019 18:39

I have 2 boys and am pregnant with my 3rd boy. I always thought I would have girls as my family is mainly girls but I absolutely adore my boys so was quite surprised my first was a boy. I couldn’t have 2 more different boys. My oldest is very boisterous, rough and tumble etc and my youngest boy is much more gentle, placid and easy going he is what people assume girls will be like. The child’s gender is literally only just that. Once you hold your baby in your arms you will most likely fall crazy in love with him. I wasn’t that bothered what my third baby was (although everyone else seemed to be desperate for me to have a girl) but I didn’t care as I know how much I love my boys and I would feel that way regardless of the gender.

WhoopImMaking6BucksAnHour · 24/04/2019 19:00

With my first dc they told us she was a girl
And my oh thought I was disappointed because I hardly reacted... it was because I expected she'd be a boy. With dc2 I would have honestly chosen to have another girl, I'd told people how special it was to have a daughter etc etc... anyway dc2 is very much a boy and I can honestly say it is just as special to have a son and I'm completely head over heels in love with him in just the same way. It's not unreasonable to feel a bit disappointed when you have imagined things one way, but you haven't failed. You'll be a lovely mummy and you're going to love that little boy x

Plentyofboys · 24/04/2019 19:31

Hi op,
I was where you were, I now have 4DS.
People will tell you to 'get a grip' or 'be thankful for what you have' or 'it will get better' and I truely hope it does.
I have had 2mc and have come to the conclusion that my body doesn't make DDs. All my friends and family have DDs and it still breaks my heart a little every time I'm with them. I love my boys greatly but grieve deeply for what I don't have. I realise that makes me sound selfish to many but I know how you feel.

avacadooo · 24/04/2019 20:37

I felt like this after my 20 week scan and burst into tears on dh too. I even forced myself to go look at boys clothes straight after and it made it so much worse so I pretended he didn't exist for a week.
Four weeks later I'm fine, we've named him which has made a massive difference and some boys clothes are hilarious with their puns!
I also can't wait to dress him up like a mini peaky blinder.
Give yourself time and maybe explain to dh why you're a bit gutted as it is hormones too.
Before I found out I wrote on a thread like this for advice because I was dreading him being a boy and loads of people were really negative towards me and the original op just a heads up they were nasty but please don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel! 💕

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.