Gender disappointment

[JE87]

Hi all, I have been for my 20 week scan today. The baby was in an awkward position and from what she could see everything looked ok but I need to be scanned again next week. She said it looks as though it's a boy, and I shamefully felt so disappointed. I've always wanted a little girl but I didn't realise just how much. I burst into tears after the scan and my husband is now basically not speaking to me and said I'm a horrible person for not being happy with a healthy baby. I haven't stopped crying since this morning because I feel so guilty for having these thoughts in the first place. I feel as if I've failed as a mother already. Why am I sat here crying instead of being over the moon. I just needed to get this off my chest as I don't feel I can tell anyone else I feel this way. Looking for some support 😔

Before I even clicked on the thread I knew it would be a mother who’s disappointed about having a boy. It always is 🙄

@KateyKube yes and? Don't start on the op it is a known thing that is recognised by mental health experts that people can't control so please don't invalidate her feelings or make her feel shit because of something she can't control.

Hence the title gender disappointment? Not that anyone asked for such a rude comment off you

I have one of each, my DS is so loving and tactile. I love my DD and we do girly things, but my DS is the cuddly one.

I always thought I'd have girls as I was so girly and my husband such a softie but we had 3 gorgeous boys and I was done, until our very much surprise 4th pregnancy and this time baby is a girl and I'm still in shock. I have felt disappointment when I found out before but I never, ever felt it from the moment I met them. I was so content with the boys I wasnt wanting another, of course its lovely for us now but contrary to popular expectations we did not "try again to get a girl" (can you tell that gets right on my nerves 😂.) Feelings you can not help but they are based on ideas you had in your mind about the relationship you'd have with a daughter, you've not betrayed your son, this is not about him but when you do meet him, even if you do long for a mother daughter relationship you will still adore him and love him more than you can ever imagine, you'd never swap him for anything I'm confident of that if my experience is anything to go by. X

I asked my 7 year old DS earlier what the best was about being him his reply was "having you as my Mummy and all the brilliant cuddles we have". He is amazing and wonderful and the very best thing in the world ever. I'm sure you will think your son is the best thing ever too (but you'll be wrong because mine is!).

You can't help how you feel but I can understand why your husband is upset. maybe pop on over to the infertility board and once you read some of the heartbreaking posts from women who would desperately love a baby and are going through hell to even get close to what you have - boy or girl - I'm sure you'll feel much luckier x

I had my gender scan last week, we're having a boy.. my mum and husband came with me and were visibly overjoyed and for some reason I wasn't phased. I thought I'd feel more of a connection or excitement? I tried for this baby for 3 years and went through two rounds of ivf and lots of heartache, and to be told I was having a boy you think I'd be crying with happiness but I was just like "oh" neither disappointed or Happy?

It's nice to call him "him" and plan things more accurately but I was expecting more feeling, it's strange.

I cried for two days after finding out DS would be a boy. It's perfectly normal and common. I now love him to bits and can't imagine having had a girl. Boys are wonderful!

Pick a name you love if you haven't already and start thinking your way into it. Wait and see how you feel when he arrives. Xxx

My first is a DD and I’m currently pregnant with my second. We found it’s a boy at 10 weeks with the Harmony test. It was a shock as I was sure it was a girl but I’m very happy. I had 2 mc last year and after losing them I will just be happy when he’s safely here.

Like other people have said, you feel what you feel and there is nothing wrong with that.

Trust me last year i had a boy.. was the biggest disappointment i have ever felt, I hated boys. My husband and i both wanted a girl, every little boy i knew was horrible..

He is now 9 months old and the light of my life, he came out this chubby squishy baby and i fell in love with him just as much as i would have if he had been a girl.

I'm now pregnant with a girl and i really wouldn't have cared if it had been another boy but i am happy that i have both.

Trust me.. you will love your Son

I know someone who was disappointed and tearful to be having a boy most of their pregnancy, but who completely changed their mind with the arrival of the baby. If anything, he is the over indulged youngest mummy's boy, and she sees this herself.

How did I know this was going to be about a boy??

TBF if a woman posted on here that they'd found out they were having a girl and her DH was crying and sulking about it for hours they'd be telling her to kick some sense into him.

I have to agree with this. People are being much too hard on the OP's husband. If my husband kept crying over having a girl, I'd feel protective of my child and upset that her own father considered her a disappointment. I'd worry that I'd married a misogynist. And I'd find it difficult to feel much sympathy for the crying, to be frank. The OP's husband had done nothing wrong.

I once over-heard a midwife say to a mum of 2 DDs, a comment about striking it lucky. I assume she only had DDs. At the time I looked at my gorgeous baby DS (DD was at school) and knew they were wrong. People with a mix know neither boys nor girls are best, you love your child completely when you know them regardless of gender.

Tbh there are plenty of cultures in the world that favour boys

When my third son was born, we didn’t know the gender in advance, my midwife said “oh dear, it’s another boy”. I could have hit her! My beautiful, gorgeous, precious, third son is not a consolation prize. He is a wonderful, special child who I love to the end of the earth and back.

To even things out a little, I wanted a boy, always imagined myself with one.

But dd is 10 now and I adore her!

I would like another baby and to be honest would be disappointed with another girl.

People will try and slate you but honest you will love them all the same.

Buying lovely clothes helped me! And names have you thought of any?

Op it's just shock and it will pass. Once he is here you will not be able to remember why you were so upset about it.

Like a pp I have 1 of each so I know without doubt that neither sex is best. They are just my children and I love them with a fierceness bordering on crazy

I think we (society) still has very old fashioned ideas about gender roles; girls will share their secrets with their mum's, clothes shop together, live around the corner, give you grandchildren and take care of you in later life but the world is not like this anymore. Your son may do all of these things while your daughter is off playing football for England women's team. Who knows what his future will hold

I do understand your dhs reaction though and I think actually its lovely that he feels so protective of your ds already.

Give yourself a couple of days to get over the shock and I am sure you will start to feel differently.

Surely the title of this thread should be Baby Sex Disappointment? Don't let them tell you what gender your child will choose to be...

In fact, these threads could just be called Baby Boy Disappointment as @KateyKube is right when posting that it is never about girls.

And yes I AM a DMO3B!

I was very lucky in that I never experienced this but I read before on one of these threads that some women might feel this way because they had a picture in their head of what the baby would be like and because they are not getting what they thought, they grieve the 'loss' of the imaginary baby. But the real one will more than make up for it - it's just that at the moment the new picture isn't quite real for you yet. It will be soon enough.

I also think we as a society have to get away from this idea that boys grow up and leave you but girls always stay close to their mums. This is what a lot of these issues come down to and it's honestly not true. My brothers are still emotionally close to my parents, sons are still close to me. Personality is more important than sex of a child when it comes to shared hobbies and bring close in adulthood.

I have one ds and we aren't having any more children,a small part of me would love to experience having a daughter but it is what it is. Perhaps you might have a girl in the future.

Little boys are adorable. I LOVE being the mother to a son. We're inseparable. Don't worry, your feelings will change.