Pregnant in 30s and not ready

[Amy890]

Hi guys. I’m reaching out to see if there is anyone else in the world who found out they were unexpectedly pregnant in their 30s (happily married, decent job, own a flat) and didn’t feel happy? I feel like I should be thrilled, but instead I’m sad and panicking so much. I just don’t feel ready.

I’m 31 and was planning to start trying in a couple of years after ticking off some really key things (for example taking a sabbatical to travel, which has always been a dream of mine). I know it sounds incredibly selfish but I love my life now and the thought of giving up my freedom is terrifying. I know life doesn’t end when you have a baby, but it’s also undeniable that I won’t be able to enjoy the free-wheeling lifestyle that I was hoping to have just a couple more years of.

I feel guilty thinking like this when I know so many people are desperate to conceive. But I’m also so freaked out by this that I can hardly sleep, keep crying and feel so incredibly lonely because it’s not the “normal” way someone in my position would react.

I guess I just want to know if anyone has had a similar experience and how it played out. I’m still only 4 weeks so have options, but I’m just so worried that whatever I do, I’ll regret it. My husband is freakishly calm about the whole thing and says he will support me whatever. I just feel so confused.

That sounds really tough. Of course, there's never a completely perfect time to have a baby, but it must be a huge shock! Haven't been through it myself, but I would agree that you have plenty of time as you're only 4 weeks - you could try living for a day or two imagining that you will keep the pregnancy, and then another day or two imagining that you won't, and see how you feel each way. You could book an appointment for a termination consultation in a couple of weeks time, and that gives you time to mull it over a bit more? It's good that your DH is so supportive either way. Is there anyone else you would confide in too? Can be good to get different perspectives from people.

I first found out I was pregnant at 32, I wasn't the happiest. The timing wasn't right for so many reasons. I had it all planned out in my head when it would be the perfect time. I was resentful at the prospect of giving up my life so soon. I went on to miscarry at 6 weeks.

I then went on to miscarry a further 3 times, no children as of yet.

Anyway, my point was not to make you feel bad at all - this is very very very unlikely to happen you. It's just to say timing isn't everything, very rarely everything will be perfectly right for you to welcome children into your life. There could always be a bigger house, better job, more items ticked off bucket list, but as you've conceived easily this time doesn't necessarily mean it will happen so easily next time. You never know what's around the corner in either scenario.

Please don't think I'm saying you should keep the baby, I'm still staunchly pro choice, you have to do what's best for you. Neither route is going to be easy to choose, and there will always be regrets whatever you decide.

I do have so much sympathy for you, it's an impossible decision which you are going to beat yourself up over either way, but you have time on your side. Be kind to yourself

Hi - I just wanted to chip in here. I’m in my late twenties, have a good job, long term partner and a house and about 9 weeks to go until we have our first baby and I could have written your post.

There’s so much stuff I wanted to do before 30 and I’m really terrified about losing my identity - especially as a huge part of my partner’s identity is being a parent - he describes it as his purpose in life, but I’m not sure it’s mine.

I think it’s more common than we think to freak out about this - it’s such a huge, life changing decision. I decided to go ahead with it because I couldn’t say 100% that I didn’t want it, so I worried I’d regret not doing it forever. I also figure that some of my life will go on hold for a bit, but not forever.

Travelling is a huge thing for me, but I’m trying to see it like I’ll have someone to share my travels with and explore the world with - some of my best memories are going to new places with my dad.

Think it through and make a list of the positives and negatives of your situation. I talked to my GP too and she was really helpful in giving me a really balanced view of all options.

I hope you’re able to figure it out

Yes OP similar happened to me. Here's a run down of how it panned out for me, and some thoughts on what might be relevant to you:

I was a bit older, 33, but not married. DP and i had been together two years and literally just moved in together, thinking of a family at some point. So in theory it was perfect timing. But as soon as i realised, i might be pregnant was gripped by a feeling of dread that this was the wrong time. It just felt wrong wrong wrong. There was outside stuff for me (mostly a massive work project i had just set up on a freelance basis). But my gut instinct was the big thing. DP was supportive but studiously said nothing as a cried. Eventually i begged him to tell me what he really thought / felt. I felt i didn't want to go ahead, and guessed he felt the same, but needed to know that he wasnt secretly wanting to do this. He did feel the same (actually probably more so than me), so i had an abortion (took the pills) at 6 weeks. It was fine, like a heavy period, one day off work, felt like a massive relief.

What i know now:

• it was the right decision for us. In particular, DP is very cautious, a massive planner, and, although he would have tried very hard to support me if we'd gone ahead, I think deep down he never would have shaken the feeling that he'd got trapped into it somehow/ not owned the choice.
• it forced us to consider together what made us feel 'not ready' and get ready quite quickly. We were back, ready to TTC less than a year later. From the outside it might have been easy to say 'what was the point?' but we came at it from a very different place, and that made all the difference in the world.
• we do have two beautiful children now, and he is a fabulous, besotted father over all, but, the early years of parenting can be rough. They were tough for us, and when we argued it was important that we both knew he had got into it willingly. He wasn't there because he was obliged into it, but circumstance, or me.

However.
Spooked by the experience of an accident, I started on a mini pill after the abortion, looking for more reliable contraception until we were ready. After a very regular cycle my whole life it messed with my system massively (even though was only on it three months) and made getting pregnant much harder both times. We paid for private treatment to get pregnant both times. The first time it didn't take much and cost less than £1000 overall) second one was brutal. It took nearly three years, many chemical pregancies and three miscarriages over several rounds of IVF. I had started coming to terms with the concept that we wouldn't get to have another.

Even through that, i very rarely thought back to the abortion and wished I'd made a different choice - it seemed to me just as likely that if I'd gone ahead it would have broken us and I'd have just the one child and be a single parent. SOme people would say this take reflects badly on my DP but I'm not so sure. he takes his responsibilities very seriously, but the flip side is he finds it hard if he feels pushed into something. Someone else might have been all for the first pregnancy, but then flaked in reality.

It might help you to talk over your feelings with someone and bottom out your hopes and fears, either way. But my strong advice is that you do that with a professional counsellor. Not friends or family. Family especially are invested and will find it very hard not to leap to having a strong opinion on what you should do. Friends also, are most likely to advise you from their own preferences and choices, rather than what is best for you. But either friends or family are unlikely to let you put your choice behind you, whatever it is. THey are also unlikely to keep it private. Unfortunately this stuff is just too juicy. People talk, even when they promise they wont.

I have never discussed what happened in real life with anyone other than DP. In fact it was a useful trial run for the IVF years which we also kept very very private. And, although there were times when i needed support, i got that from a counsellor. Which enabled me to manage 'my story'. So, for example I wasn't 'poor catsrock, having IVF, how she must regret her abortion now'.

If we'd only had one, i would have hated that: I could and would have found a way to be grateful and happy with that, and would not have wanted anyone else to second guess it.

Even on this thread people are airing their sense of what matters. Plenty of people don't want to be pregnant, go ahead, and love it. But there are also regular threads on Mumsnet from people who dislike or regret becoming a parent. You hear that much less, becuase it is a taboo for women. But it can be real.

And my take is: going into it fully committed (you are never ready tbh!) can make a big difference.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Thank you so much for your responses, it honestly means a lot.

@mussie I have told my mum - wasn’t really planning to but I was visiting home for Easter and just burst into tears when she asked me how I am. I know she would be supportive either way but can tell she really wants me to keep it - she said she would help out as much as she can (we don’t live near each other). I think it’s a bit difficult for her to understand since she’s of a generation where having a baby at 31 is late, if anything!! But she was v supportive.

@PositivelyPeach Thanks for sharing, I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. They are also really valid points - I think part of me assumed since this happened by accident I must be mega fertile, but you are completely right it’s impossible to know for sure what’s round the corner.

@Dustyzest It’s such a relief to hear I’m not the only one to feel like this. I feel so guilty for not jumping for joy. Can I ask if your feelings have changed now you’re further along compared to when you first found out? Also very good point about the travelling, my family went to all kinds of weird and wonderful places when I was young and I still remember it now.

Hi @CatsRock - thanks for this, it’s really useful to hear from someone who made the decision not to go ahead with the pregnancy. My husband sounds similar in many ways - he’s not really said much about what he thinks, and in some ways I’m desperate for him either to be overjoyed or horrified as I feel it would make my decision easier. I’ve booked an appointment with a therapist this week to chat about things (have seen her before for what seems like a really trivial issue now!) so hopefully that will clarify things a bit for me. I know what you mean about the friends thing - I have some mates I know would rather I did/didn’t have a baby right now, which I think would come through even unconsciously in what they say. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Are you sure you would actually want one in the future anyway though? I mean you speak of it as 'giving up my freedom', is that something you would ever be willing to do? It's all very well saying that once you have checked some things off the bucket list you will be 'ready' but are you sure it is actually a question of that. Maybe you don't/won't want children in the future and just haven't really 'considered' it because it wasn't relevant 'at the time'.

Either way, it is upsetting you. That isn't a good sign. Please don't let people convince you to just muddle through and give up your freedom. Freedom is just as important and should be to any woman. And if you genuinely feel that having a child will impact substantially on your dreams, abortion is a perfectly acceptable option. Something that is making you 'sad' is probably not something you should continue.

Perhaps that's easy for me to say as I am 30 but have always known that my own freedom was the most important thing and that I would never want kids. But if you do actually want kids in the future...you are only 30 and there is plenty of time to have them when you are READY. Having this child now...I dunno...but if you feel it isn't right, don't do it.

@amy890 I still have the odd moment where I think ‘what are we doing?!’ But on the whole I now see it as a more positive thing. We had talked about trying in a couple of years and honestly, I felt like if we were going to do it in two years, what difference did it really make if we just went ahead now, for the sake of me being ok mentally afterwards.

There are lots of things I’m still apprehensive about but I’m trying to see it as a whole different kind of adventure, if that makes sense? I’ve had some CBT about my anxiety and that has helped a huge amount.

Also - I appreciate this is totally dependent on finances but towards the end of your mat leave you could do some of the travelling you thought about as a sabbatical? I think it’s really easy to see it as the end of life as you know it - which it is, but I’m also trying to see it as a start of a new life where I get to take a mini me along?

Hopefully that wasn’t just a bit ramble- I’m still processing a lot of it myself!

@TeaForTheWin Yes I completely get what you’re saying - I definitely don’t seem to crave motherhood like many people. But I definitely see myself having kids in the future, I just really wanted a couple more years to get my sabbatical done and enjoy a couple more years of carefree London life. It’s such a tricky decision, I just feel so worried about getting it wrong.

@Dustyzest Not rambling at all, this is really helpful. I read a few threads where people said as soon as they had the 12 week scan they felt much more positive, but I keep thinking argh what if I feel more negative?! But yes I agree that trying to reframe thoughts of dread into “it will just be a different version of what I want to do” is helpful. Thank you so much for replying to me, I was genuinely worried I was the only one!

I don’t want to get into the pro-choice - pro-life argument but would say don’t take it for granted that you will get to have a baby when you want one and when you think it’s the “right” time for you

As you’ve identified, some people have trouble conceiving, and just because you’ve conceived once by accident doesn’t mean you will easily again

Chances are you would be fine ofc but I think part of your decision should be how you’d feel if you were unable to have a another child in the future (and wanted one)

Life isn’t perfect

@AliceRR yes you are right, I am possibly being overly optimistic with my “ideal” plan. And I’ve run through all kinds of OTT scenarios in my head - imagining something happens to my husband in the next couple of years, or my parents (I have a wild and worried imagination for sure!) But then I picture another scenario where I resent going ahead with the pregnancy. It’s just impossible to predict.

Poor you. I was in the same position, at the same age as you, last year. Only difference was that my husband was overjoyed. I cried hysterically at the positive test (which I couldn't even bring myself to look at - my husband had to check it). I seriously considered an abortion, and was so upset my husband, GP and midwife all asked if I was sure I wanted to continue with the pregnancy. If you do go ahead, I would recommend getting some sort of counselling, as it is very difficult should you not be keen. I sobbed on the way into the hospital to have DD too, telling my DH that I still didn't want to be a parent or have a baby. I now have a 6 week old daughter, who I absolutely adore and am already dreading leaving at nursery when I go back to work from maternity leave. It's weird as I have done a complete 180 in terms of feelings in a very short space of time. However, DH is massively supportive and that makes a huge difference and 100% the reason why I stuck with the pregnancy. My decision has ended up being really positive for my life, even though it didn't feel like it for a long time!

@FluffMagnet So pleased to hear it has worked out well for you! I was the same with the test - couldn’t look - and I guess I am still in the very early stages of shock. My husband is lovely but not the most excitable (haha) so it’s very hard to tell what he thinks. It’s good to hear your story as I wondered whether not being immediately pleased means I’ll destined to be a depressed, resentful mother. Your story suggests it’s not a foregone conclusion.

@amy890 with stuff like this, although it can feel like it, you’re almost never alone. I hope you find the solution that works best for you and your partner. Go easy on yourself!

My first pregnancy was planned and I felt the same. That's why it takes 9 months as it takes that long to get your head around the idea.

@Amy890 it looks like you've had a pretty good sweep of shared experiences here already but I'd thought I'd chip in with mine too as I've found myself exactly in the same situation. I'm 33 and currently pregnant in my second trimester. Found out I was 7ish weeks pregnant just before Xmas and it was a total shock (having been merrily partaking in steady Xmas binge drinking for the past month -oops!). Always wanted kids but not for another two years minimum (much more, if it was possible!). Totally enjoying London life, travel and being child free. I hate to admit it but I was even starting to begrudge all the friends I was losing to motherhood and was feeling somewhat smug that that wouldn't be me for a long while yet.

So when I found out I was pregnant I I totally freaked out- I couldn't stop thinking that I wasn't ready yet. Which on paper, sounds very strange as I'm (almost) mid thirties, I also have a very good stable job, have been with my partner for 6 years, we own a house and have pets together etc etc.

I really didn't know what to do and was flip flopping a bit between thinking I'd keep it and terminating. My partner was probably freaking out even more that me for the very same reasons. He made it clear that he would support me in whatever decision we (I) would make but he very clearly wanted to go down the termination route. I was probably initially more in the camp of "oh fuck, but we can make this work", but after a week of talking about it, started to think that we should terminate. However, this also made me very very very upset. I'm not a hugely emotional person but this reduced me to violent sobbing episodes on a nightly basis (it was not a fun Xmas...). Anyway I booked in the termination. Had the first booking meeting and cried all the way home. Went along to the actual termination appointment still not 100pc sure what my decision even was.

Luckily I had a very very patient and understanding midwife seeing me. She could tell I was distraught and just let me let it all out. She gave me some sage advice which I unfortunately can't remember all now but it mostly came down to making sure whatever decision I made, make sure I did it with ME in mind, and whether I decided to keep or terminate the baby - how would I cope? She then gave me the abortion pill and said I didn't have to take it then and there but to go away, have a cup of tea, and think about it some more and if I didn't want to take it now I didn't have to. Anyway I literally got as far as putting the pill in my mouth but ended up spitting it out. I just physically couldn't bring myself to swallow it. So ended up calling the midwife and letting her know I wasn't going through with it. She was incredibly sweet and didn't make me feel like a time waster or anything like that (another thing I was feeling desperately guilty about!).

I also knew that I still had a few weeks to consider my options (albeit that i would need to have surgical termination), so if I still wasn't sure about it, then I shouldn't go through with it then an there.

So anyway I walked out of the clinic and felt immediately lighter.

A big reason I was so upset/distraught was because of this feeling I had that the decision to terminate was like standing at the top of a cliff face and deciding whether or not to jump off - yes I could have made the decision to jump (ie take the pill and terminate) and had absolutely no regrets but I could have also jumped and instantly regretted the decision - and there's no way I would have been able to take that decision back once I had jumped - and that feeling of free falling and knowing that my little blob was gone for good and regretting that terrified me.

It was also completely part of my mindset that if we did terminate that we would just try in a couple of years time when we are actually ready but the more I thought about it, all the main reasons I was putting it off started sounding more and more trivial- eg I had really wanted to go on another good ski trip this year, I had Glastonbury tickets and I really wanted to go etc etc. There were some probably more important concerns (eg wanting to progress my career a bit more), but honestly these were peripheral to me just wanting a few more years of hedonism.

The other big thing on my mind was some nagging fears about the old body clock. Yes I'm 33 and still have a bit more time so shouldn't be too worried just yet but I know people that kept putting it off and off and in the end really struggled. And I do not know for sure what my overall fertility is like - there's even a chance that getting pregnant this time was an absolute fluke. So a huge part of me was terrified about finding myself in a position in a few years time not being able to get pregnant and not being able to ever forgive myself for getting rid of what could have been my only child. Sorry I know this sounds totally dramatic and I'm not trying to scare you with horror stories or suggest that this is in anyway applicable to you (and you're a bit younger than me anyway!) but these were all the disaster thoughts going through my head. It really was a total mindfuck if I'm honest.

Anyways skip forward a few months and I'm obviously still pregnant - and I've not looked back from making that decision either. In fact I have done an about turn and I'm now seriously seriously excited about it all and much happier than I have been in a long while. Same with my partner. We actually find it quite scary and don't like to think about the decision we almost made. We've agreed never to mention it again!

I'm not saying this is the right option or recommending keeping the baby over terminating at all- I'm very pro choice as well but I just wanted to share with you what my personal experience was. I think you are doing the right thing about speaking to a professional about it. It helped me enormously being able to talk candidly about all my feelings with the midwife. I was able to speak with my partner but in hindsight I really needed that objective counter balance. You luckily have a bit of time to think about it, and I agree with a previous poster's recommendation to alternatively think about keeping it and terminating it. That was kind of how I figured out what my gut was telling me. And for me, I think simply following my gut was the best thing I could have done.

Anyway I'm really sorry this had been so long winded but I hope it gave you another perspective, whether you find it useful or not.

I wish you well and I'm sure whatever decision you make it will be the right one. X

@WingingIt1234 Thank you so much for sharing this - it honestly helps so much to know I’m not alone. And I’m glad to hear you managed to make the right decision for you. There are so many of your thought processes (both for and against) that I can completely relate to. I think my biggest fear is that by having a baby I’m very much closing the “young, fun and free” chapter of my life, forever - but as you say a lot of this seems quite trivial when you go into detail. I’m really hoping that for me, like you, the correct path with become clear with a bit more time.

That's exactly how I felt as well - I guess still feel a bit like that if I'm honest. But my partner and I have made a pact to try and continue living the same life we had as much as possible. I know that probably sounds very naive to some people who already have their children. But we just don't want to become crazy helicopter child obsessed boring parents like we've seen happen to some people. We will still try to do the things we love - travel, dining out etc. It will just be slightly different and with more compromises. And honestly, those things I was looking forward to feel like they are going to be even more special now - I cant wait for the opportunity to take our little one on holiday and making those memories. My partner is especially looking forward to the little one's first pub expedition. I guess we are in a stage of our lives that a lot of our friends already have kids so more and more of our social life was involving children anyway, which made our decision a little bit easier.

Hi, I’m 29 with a 3 month old baby girl.
When I found out I was pregnant I wasn’t filled with joy. I was in complete panic mode. didn’t think I was ready, I was studying for a degree and despite being in a long term relationship and owning our own home I just didn’t think it was the right time. We had planned to start trying in 3/4 years.
I cried for the first 8/10 weeks because I had no idea what to do. I felt like the most awful person in the world because I wasn’t instantly excited and all I could think of was how scared I was. However, the more I thought about I realised I couldn’t put myself through the emotional turmoil of an abortion, we are financially stable and wanted children at some point anyway so I went ahead. The week after I made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy I started to bleed and thought I was having a miscarriage when we went for the scan and there was a tiny little heartbeat and I hadn’t miscarried I burst into tears, I was so relieved that all was ok and it was that moment where I realised I could do this!
My DD is the most precious little thing and the love I have for her is out of this world.
I had to put my degree on hold but I decided to only hold it for 6 months because getting my degree is for our future.

I am in now way trying to sway you just wanted to let you know that it’s possible to have all these feelings of panic and not being ready but then for it to all change. That being said, it’s owrfectly acceptable to have an abortion if you feel it’s the best option for you right now.
It’s a very big decision. I wish you lots of luck

I was 29 when I fell pregnant with my first, but unlike you I didn’t realize until 10 weeks so had less options and less time to decide what to do. I’d moved to Los Angeles two months before for a new job with my boyfriend of 6 months so it couldn’t have been worse timing. I panicked and considered having an abortion. But after a lot of thought decided I could do this, alone if needed. My boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion. As it happens after a very fretful pregnancy wondering if I’d done the right thing, the baby was an absolute delight and really brought us together. It could have been totally different though! We were both in agreement that we wouldn’t rush our relationship because we were parents, and would set ourselves up to co-parent the baby if we broke up. But actually he brought us together and three years later my boyfriend proposed. We married six months later and had another baby a year after that. I’m now pregnant with my third. My career continued to do well, thank goodness, and we are still overseas but thinking of moving back to the UK next summer. I have to say that despite my next two pregnancies being planned I’ve had total ‘what the fuck have I done’ moments with each. However I love being a mom, and am really glad I did it when a bit younger than many of my friends for so many reasons. It’s really given me motivation to do well at work, I have a great job and while it’s hard juggling things we do manage. Also you mentioned traveling, I took my son to Hawaii, India and Mexico while on my first maternity leave, on a shoestring budget. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Also wanted to mention that I had a friend in a similar situation to me (although not such a new relationship) who had the abortion, and she does not regret it and now has two healthy kids.

Hi OP,
Must be tough!! There is never a right time and there will always be worries but you just have to do whatever feels right for you. Things will work out and plenty of people achieve things with kids!

Just wanted to add onto what another poster was saying about don’t take it for granted and assume you’ll get pregnant whenever you feel ready. Two of my friends are 35 and 33 and both put off pregnancy until they had absolutely everything sorted I.e house, job, marriage, travel etc. One of them wanted 3 kids but only had one even after trying for years. She said she wishes she hadn’t put it off as she’d have loved a bigger family. The other friend has been trying for a couple of years and has had no luck. Both very unfortunate and neither are old obviously but just don’t assume you’ll get pregnant when you think it’s the right time!

Op, it might be worth making an appointment at an abortion clinic. At least then you can have a scan, have a chat with someone who deals with this daily and see what you're options are. Don't feel pressured by anyone, just take your time and make the right choice. Pm me if you like (I work in this field).

Also, do not feel bad about other people's fertility, their situations/brains/lives are very different to yours.

@WingingIt1234 Yes I need to remember it is still possible to do interesting things when you have a baby! It’s hard because I don’t know anyone my age in London with kids, so no point of reference really. It’s so good to know I’m not the only one who hasn’t found this all rainbows and roses though!