Pregnant in 30s and not ready

[Amy890]

Hi guys. I’m reaching out to see if there is anyone else in the world who found out they were unexpectedly pregnant in their 30s (happily married, decent job, own a flat) and didn’t feel happy? I feel like I should be thrilled, but instead I’m sad and panicking so much. I just don’t feel ready.

I’m 31 and was planning to start trying in a couple of years after ticking off some really key things (for example taking a sabbatical to travel, which has always been a dream of mine). I know it sounds incredibly selfish but I love my life now and the thought of giving up my freedom is terrifying. I know life doesn’t end when you have a baby, but it’s also undeniable that I won’t be able to enjoy the free-wheeling lifestyle that I was hoping to have just a couple more years of.

I feel guilty thinking like this when I know so many people are desperate to conceive. But I’m also so freaked out by this that I can hardly sleep, keep crying and feel so incredibly lonely because it’s not the “normal” way someone in my position would react.

I guess I just want to know if anyone has had a similar experience and how it played out. I’m still only 4 weeks so have options, but I’m just so worried that whatever I do, I’ll regret it. My husband is freakishly calm about the whole thing and says he will support me whatever. I just feel so confused.

@harrypotterfan1604 Thanks for sharing. It’s good to know you can feel this freaked out to begin with and still adore the baby if and when it comes.

@ThriftyMcThrifty Thanks for this - it makes me feel much less alone to hear I’m not the only one to panic! Out of interest how was the travelling with a baby? There are so many places I want to go, but I’m worried it’s crazy to think I could still do it with a little one.

@rosevioletlily Yes I know it’s probably naive to have an “ideal” time in mind. I think what makes it harder is that none of my local friends have babies, so it’s almost impossible to picture my life with one. But you’re definitely right in saying these things don’t just work according to a strict life plan.

@GlitteryPoopooplop thanks for your advice. Yes I wondered whether booking an appointment and finding out the options would make me feel more strongly either way. Almost like it might help a gut instinct kick in? I obviously don’t want to waste people’s time though.

Just to say I was in a similar position - house, husband, good job and an unexpected pregnancy! I cried when the test was positive whereas DH was absolutely fine.

I knew I didn’t want an abortion (although no issue with terminations at all I just knew it wasn’t for me) but I did feel a lot of regret of all the things I’d be missing out on especially time with DH on our own as we haven’t been together that long.

Our baby is a year now and no regrets. There’s never an ideal time and even though I think we would have thought about trying a year later, would we have ACTUALLY? There would always be one more holiday etc. The decision was taken out of our hands and that meant we couldn’t over think it / someone wasn’t persuading the other person that it was a good idea - really helpful when the first 6 months were hard going!

Traveling with the baby was fine at that age, we went when he was six months and felt a bit sturdier but was happy to be in a sling and very portable. Still breast fed and only just trying food so didn’t need to worry about baby food or anything. And he slept on flights and flew and stayed in hotels for free. It was a really great experience for us (my husband is younger than me - he was 26 at the time) but not for everyone that’s for sure. We continue to travel now my kids are 7 and 3, but its harder flying with three year olds, that’s a hard age because they need entertaining but don’t really watch the tv. And the kids are more expensive now. But still fun!

Oh dear, that’s tough.
I know lots of people probably read that your husband is being supportive but I think he needs to step up and tell you what he actively wants too. Atm, he’s throwing the decision right back at you in “supporting whatever you decide”. Yes, ultimately it’s your decision but it would surely help you to know how he feels about being a dad, how involved he would want to be, etc.?
Things do have a way of working out for the best either way but you need to reach a decision together.

I didn’t write other half dear, write Oh dear!

It’s done it again. That’s bloody weird, never done that before

@ZsaZsaMc Thanks for this - it feels like such a lonely experience so it helps to know I’m not the only one who has been through this. I’m so glad you have no regrets - my mum said exactly the same thing about there never being an ideal time.

@ThriftyMcThrifty Good to know it is possible! Thanks

@Langrish Yes I completely agree and have said as much to him. I think he is probably in shock and trying not to “push” me one way or the other, but I feel like some strong feeling either way would actually be helpful, especially as this shouldn’t be entirely my decision. I’ve found talking to my mum more helpful than talking to him, to be honest!

Your mum is a good person to talk to, but I remember I did feel mine desperately wanted me to keep the baby which did sway me a little. At the end of the day it’s your decision, and you have to be happy with the choice you make. I know I was really torn and life would have been different if I had made a different choice, so have so much sympathy for you. I’d make an appointment to talk to a medical person, I got a councilor with mine which helped me put my thoughts in order. Good luck!

@ThriftyMcThrifty Thanks I will do - hopefully it will straighten things out a bit in my mind.

Hi, I realise this thread was a while ago so unsure if anyone is still on this but I'm new to this site and just needed to try and reach out to someone.

I too have just found out I'm expecting, completely out the blue thought I was unwell and the doctor confirmed the pregnancy. A slight backstory, I was told they thought I'd always struggle to conceive naturally due to some issues and I was referred for IVF (at some point in the future).
I have spent alot on private apps to do egg retrieval so I have that option in a few years.

I'm nearly 32 and I feel guilty but my first thoughts despite all the above also wasn't happy? I don't know whether it's because I'd accepted in my head it wouldn't happen naturally so my partner and I had discussed looking at doing IVF back end of next year so we have time to do a few more things and also lots of general family things on next year.

I really don't know what to do. I'm waiting for another scan to be done as I've had pains so they want to ensure all is okay but why even though I have a good job and income, have a home, a really good relationship does this still seem like such a hard decision?

I donr really know what I'm asking for here. More just to vent and not be judged for feeling this way :-(

Not selfish at all. I’m so so glad I did the travelling and some other things I wanted to do before meeting my now husband and having a child.I wouldn’t do a skydive now or go off ice hiking or kayak in a swamp in New Orleans because there’s a child to consider! I would have liked to travel a bit more with just the 2 of us but we managed to do Munich,Iceland,USA trip & local stuff before falling preggers with first so I think we did ok.

You can still travel but it’s a very different experience & much slower pace & of course you’re sort of restricted to what activities you do. Nothing to say you can’t go off on solo trips around Europe etc though once baby is a bit bigger if you have the right support!

It’s also amazing to see new places with your child / kids once they are a bit bigger!

Totally normal to feel these things though & in the end only you know what’s best for you. Good luck whatever you decide

DJ1995 I'm really glad you posted on this thread today and brought it back up the list. I'm 7/8 weeks and frankly feel miserable and terrified - but reading all these posts from 2019 ladies who went through with it has really helped. I have no advice but just can empathise with worrying about not feeling happier. Just try to take one day at a time xxx

Hello! I just got a notification that this thread had come back to life, so I’ve come back to tell you where I am now. I went ahead and had my daughter despite being terrified (I even went to a clinic to find out about abortion, but as soon as they started talking through the process I just knew it wasn’t right for me). I also spoke to my mum who said some very wise things about how things often happen at a certain time for a reason, even if it seems all wrong (this turned out to be true because all my grand travel plans would’ve been completely screwed by covid anyway!). My daughter is now 3.5 years and I absolutely adore her. Yes, I found it tough adjusting to motherhood – she was a very difficult baby and the country went into lockdown when she was still tiny, which was fairly traumatising. But I also found a way to still do things for me alongside motherhood (I think this is very reliant on you and your partner giving each other the space to do so). For example, my husband and I have both been on our own separate travels, and I still go to the gym, go for dinner with friends, have hobbies – all the things I was terrified I would lose. I won’t deny becoming a parent is an unimaginable shift in your life and definitely not easy, but I’ve come to realise there is literally never a ‘right’ time to have a baby – you will make it work and love them unconditionally, and you’ll still find a way to be ‘you’ if you make it a priority (and have a decent partner!!) hope this is vaguely helpful, as someone who has been there xx

I just felt I needed to post to let out how I felt, even if no one responded. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I feel the same and I worry another day and week is passing by feeling no clearer and knowing a decision has to be made xx

DJ1995 · Today 13:30
I just felt I needed to post to let out how I felt, even if no one responded. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I feel the same and I worry another day and week is passing by feeling no clearer and knowing a decision has to be made. Sending you love xx

Thank you so much for taking the time to post back and update on your situation. I really do appreciate it and I'm glad to hear everything worked out in the end despite some hurdles.
I do also believe sometimes things happen for a reason, and given I was told I may not naturally be able to conceive I feel guilty for not seeming happy but it's because I just wouldn't have planned for now. Like you, I also had things I wanted to do in the next year and plans and this has just come as such a shock i think that's why every option has crossed my mind. I also worry if my partner doesn't feel ready either then if I go ahead would it ruin our relationship. We have a really good relationship never had any issues at all and I know he will support anything but I just know he's as worried as me about what the best thing to do is. I too have looked into abortion (I think mainly just because I've looked at all scenarios) and even reading about it I felt I couldn't do it even though I'm very pro choice. I just feel so confused and feel time is running out xx

Hi ladies, I came across this thread tonight and reading all your posts and advice has felt like a lovely big, warm hug. A couple of days ago I took two tests, both negative. I had this niggling feeling in my body a few days later, something told me to check them, pulled them out of the bin and one is positive. I understand this can happen and doesn't always mean you are pregnant, but I'm 2 weeks late and have had this same feeling before (was unexpectedly pregnant in 2022, in complete turmoil for weeks until I decided to terminate, I was upset but didn't regret it). I'm now lieing in bed waiting to take two more tests in the morning and trying to wrap my head around the different realities in advance. I'm in a different relationship now, own my own house and we are both financially stable. He's very supportive and incredibly calm about it all. I'm still freaking out just as much as I was the first time and I'm not even 100% sure I'm pregnant yet, but I felt like I wanted to comment because you've all made this feel like such a safe space, and someone's comment about 'well, whatelse am I going to do?' made me feel more at peace than anything ever did the first time around. Stuck to it to find out the end result too, and so happy it worked out for you x