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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Visitors after birth - is this unfair?

30 replies

McGlitch · 13/04/2019 11:39

NC for this as some details are outing to people who know me.

I'm pregnant with my second DC and very anxious about my in laws visiting after birth. Is it unfair to ask them to wait until we are ready?

For background:

My family are two hours away, will visit for short periods after checking with us, probably do some housework and make their own drinks. They'll bring us food and generally be considerate. My friends are all the same.

In laws live in another country, a 45 min flight away. They expect to be waited on, will tell us when they are coming and are rude when they are here. They very rarely visit as they believe we should do the running. Visiting for the day is very feasible and would give them 8-10 hours here but they refuse. They are late 50s, retired and wealthy with no commitments at home. Everything has to be on their terms at all times.

When DS was born, we knew that we would be kept in hospital for 3-4 days. We asked all family to visit in that period so that we could recover in peace at home. My family all did. PIL refused and booked flights for the day we expected to be home.

We arrived home at 5pm, I was in a lot of pain and discomfort. I'd had a blood transfusion and was still really weak. They turned up at 6. They didn't ask how any of us were, but complained endlessly about having to travel. They showed no interest in DS, asked me to make them coffee and criticised us (breastfeeding and how we had dressed DS in particular).

They came back the next day for more of the same. MIL cried because I wouldn't let her give a bottle of formula and then they made DH drive them to the airport.

The whole thing was upsetting. I had day 4 hormones, I was in pain and should have felt comfortable in my own home. I've never quite forgiven them for how they made me feel, and more has happened since.

I don't want them visiting us at home after the birth this time. I'll be having a section so it will be perfectly feasible for them to visit us in hospital and they are welcome to. But I want to settle in at home on my terms first. DH agrees completely and is happy to tell his parents.

However, I also don't want to completely exclude my family - they shouldn't be punished and I know they will all help out.

Is it unfair to allow my family to come for short visits but essentially ban PIL?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Heyha · 13/04/2019 11:50

If you hadn't got their track record from last time to refer to then I'd probably say that you have to treat them all the same but as they in-laws were so awful, and presumably have shown no realisation of this, you are totally NBU. Good on your DP for being supportive.
As you other visitors also have a track record of being great, then no reason not to let them visit however you prefer. If in-laws object just repeat what you've said here about how traumatic you found it last time and then pick some dates where you think you will be ready to see them.

Or just don't tell them you've given birth until a week after you actually have

GreenTulips · 13/04/2019 11:53

I wouldn’t tell them for a few days until after the birth, even a week or so

If they know you’re having section - tell them the date has changed for a few days later or even a eeek later

witchy89 · 13/04/2019 12:03

I think that's perfectly reasonable! My mum came and stayed after I gave birth and she was amazing, did all the laundry (gross hospital clothes etc) and cleaned and cooked us meals. I felt totally comfortable with her seeing me in a state, sat on a puppy pad, and helping me in and out of the bath. I didn't feel comfortable with my in laws being sat next to me while I was bleeding through my trousers, having to be helped off the sofa and trying to establish breastfeeding! They were actually really understanding and I have never had any problems with them luckily but you should be able to recover and settle in at home the way that YOU want. YOUR body has been though a lot and you are entitled to be surrounded by people you feel comfortable with!

DustyDoorframes · 13/04/2019 13:56

It is TOTALLY reasonable, but they are not, so it will very likely have some fallout. I think you and DH will need to have a chat about how he is going to handle that etc. Maybe you just say you don't want to trouble then to come as you know it's tricky for them, and you look forward to all visiting them in however many years months...

SnuggyBuggy · 13/04/2019 14:02

I would seriously debate giving a later date and pretending you'd gone into labor earlier or something

seeingdots · 13/04/2019 14:13

They sound like a nightmare! You're perfectly reasonable not to put yourself through that again this time!

Original poster

McGlitch · 13/04/2019 14:53

Thank you. Glad to see it's not just pregnancy hormones making me irrational.

I think that not telling them would cause irreparable damage and DH isn't quite ready for that. It would also raise a LOT of questions with the rest of his family and we never seem to get the chance to defend ourselves as it is.

The reason they behave like this is because people let them. We've stopped allowing ourselves to be manipulated and it hasn't gone down well. I think that if they want to fly over when they've been expressly told not to, then maybe that's what is needed to get them to understand. DH is adamant that if they do that, they are not coming in.

They won't believe that they did anything wrong last time. Just like they won't believe they were in the wrong when they woke up a 7month old baby because they wanted to. Or let their dangerous dog climb on the pram and then bite me. So it will definitely come as a big surprise and makes it a difficult conversation to have.

OP posts:

AnnieMay100 · 13/04/2019 18:34

That sounds awful I completely understand why you would want to keep them away this time. If avoiding announcing the birth isn’t possible, then could you say you’re staying with your parents and there is no room for them to visit you there. Ask dh to prewarn them in advance you don’t want any visitors this time round and you’ll be in touch when you’re ready and not to tell them straight after the birth. If they still turn up don’t let them in or answer the door if that means a wasted flight so be it. Don’t let them bully you into pandering to their requests you won’t get that time back. Best of luck

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 13/04/2019 19:05

I think your only option here is to delay announcing the birth; truly.

Honesty or dishonesty you stand to piss them off either way. It’s up to you and DH to select the path of least resistance.

Good luck x

Mommaof2x · 13/04/2019 19:21

Remind me of mine the first time round. I think you should say you couldn’t get through to notify them of the birth, phone wasn’t going through then was so busy couldn’t call again. Or that dh stayed at hospital for two days and battery died no charger?

Or your dh should just say last time it was hard because of these reasons so this time wait a while, but as it’s your second they might not rush over anyway?

PanamaPattie · 13/04/2019 19:25

I'd ban them.

Darkstar4855 · 13/04/2019 20:57

I would just say that you’re only having short visits to begin with i.e. 1-2 hours max. Hopefully they’ll decide it’s not worth the flight for such a short time.

sl07 · 14/04/2019 08:24

What does your partner say about this? Does he know how you feel?

If I were you, I would give it to you're completely better and feel comfortable. His parents seem the sensitive kind? They seem really rude, they should respect and his mother should know how you feel!

stucknoue · 14/04/2019 08:39

I wouldn't tell them the date, tell them after the baby is here

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 14/04/2019 08:44

Oh my goodness - you’re not being irrational. I’m afraid I’d not be letting them in at all for the first few weeks until I was able to cope after their track record. If you do then meet them somewhere public and leave after an hour or so.

Congratulations and good luck

eightoclock · 14/04/2019 16:00

In general I think you have to be even handed in inviting family to see the baby. No one should turn up uninvited and you can invite them for an hour or two when you are ready.
If your family or friends are coming to help with housework, cooking, shopping, or because you need help following the birth, that is separate and obviously there's no point having unhelpful family members for that. So don't feel any guilt especially after last time.
Sounds like your DH is on side so get him to tell them

Original poster

McGlitch · 14/04/2019 19:55

@sl07 DH is very supportive, and is adamant that they aren't coming. However, he switches off to a lot of their attempts to manipulate things (or they wait until the leaves the room!) and he doesn't believe they would just turn up. I think they might.

Thanks again everyone. We had a good chat last night and I sent him a blog post about "pulling up the drawbridge" which I think really helped him to understand why I would not be comfortable around them at that time.

What we are stuck on is how and when to tell that they aren't to come. Delaying telling them is a step too far I'm afraid. I do understand why it's been recommended but it would be far too unfair and would have consequences if they ever found out. the rest of DHs family, who we adore, would be horrified and DH wouldn't be comfortable lying.

My ideal scenario is that they come to the hospital where the visit can be managed and controlled. But that would mean telling them in advance and risking them ignoring us and turning up later which puts a lot of pressure on DH to ask them to leave. He would, but it wouldn't be nice for anyone.

MIL in particular is very good at only hearing what she wants to, so telling them in advance that we only want short visits will likely be ignored. So it's all a bit tricky and DH has to be comfortable with it - I've kind of left it down to him to decide. I don't have any communication with them anyway but would like to know it was sorted.

I've had a really tough pregnancy, which they won't acknowledge, and when it's over I want to be able to relax and hopefully enjoy my baby without any stress. I'm so scared of not bonding and I really need to know I'll have the space and freedom to do whatever it takes.

OP posts:

sl07 · 14/04/2019 20:13

Just a suggestion - I wonder if the nurses could possibly say no visitors etc??

Original poster

McGlitch · 14/04/2019 20:20

They wouldn't care in the slightest! Or would just pretend they hadn't heard us say that.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 20:26

The visiting in hospital thing won’t work with people who behave like this. Your H could explain that you will not be hosting house guests, but that they would be welcome to visit for a few hours on any day from x date, and either fly home or arrange accommodation.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 20:28

If they then stay longer your H would need to ask them to go.

PhoebeBear · 15/04/2019 08:41

Oh my goodness @McGlitch this sounds awful!
I would tell them no straight up- they need to understand you need rest and there is all the time in the world for them to visit their grandchild. They seem very pushy to me, almost as if they care about nothing but themselves..
sometimes my PILs parents are the same when it comes to our first baby (I'm 24 weeks) and they've already bought us a pram, bath, cot, rocker.. stuff that we never got a chance to buy ourselves so I simply told them they need to stop, or keep that stuff at their house..
It's a funny thing families but when it comes to the arrival of your DC they need to understand its you and baby that comes first

DustyDoorframes · 15/04/2019 10:47

Would it work to ask them to come a couple of months later? Can your mum move in for a few weeks to help so there is no room ? Or you say that's what is happening?
I can see you hard the politics are!!
They may also not be very interested this time around (this happened to us...), which will be hurtful for your DH but a bit of a boon for you...

Justus22 · 15/04/2019 11:43

Honestly I would usually say to grin and bare them for the sake of your husband, wanting your own parents/family there is understandable so I never get why some women welcome their own with open arms immediately and try to control or limit the time their husbands family get. I grew up with 2 sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles and until older I never knew which grandparents were which parents, parents and my husband has come from the same sort of family so I'd never treat them differently. Having said that, they are good to me and would never behave in the way you describe. I think its totally reasonable to explain you are having hospital visitors but no house guests over night and I definitely would have called her out on questioning and trying to interfere with our feeding choices, mother in law or not. You have done well to maintain a relationship to the point they still feel welcome. I wouldn't ban their visit but give them hotel info and explain it's not an open house. Your husband can make the odd cuppa for his parents but you're not going to be up for feeding them. If they don't like it, it's tough. I love our family, both sides but post birth, immediate sleepovers wouldn't be on the cards, they'd not want to either. Good luck xx

Kentishgal · 15/04/2019 14:33

msglitch I'm in a v similar situation (even down to the transfusions and feeling rubbish - and the planned section this time). Only difference is that whilst my parents are nearer (1) my mum has v advanced dementia and (2) my dad expects to be waited on and shows no interest in me / baby either. So this time, we have lied about the due date to everyone and have told them that I'll be having a planned section a week later than we actually are. That way we can have baby, have a peaceful return home and hopefully the plans for visiting will already have been made for the later date! (In your case, presumably they would book flights for a later date). I am such a yes person usually and I am constantly hosting - this pregnancy I have put my foot down and said enough is enough - I just think sometimes, for your own sanity, you need to be selfish. I feel like, after the trauma of the last birth, I want this to be peaceful and stress free - it sounds like you need the same. Good luck!

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