Visitors after birth - is this unfair?

[McGlitch]

NC for this as some details are outing to people who know me.

I'm pregnant with my second DC and very anxious about my in laws visiting after birth. Is it unfair to ask them to wait until we are ready?

For background:

My family are two hours away, will visit for short periods after checking with us, probably do some housework and make their own drinks. They'll bring us food and generally be considerate. My friends are all the same.

In laws live in another country, a 45 min flight away. They expect to be waited on, will tell us when they are coming and are rude when they are here. They very rarely visit as they believe we should do the running. Visiting for the day is very feasible and would give them 8-10 hours here but they refuse. They are late 50s, retired and wealthy with no commitments at home. Everything has to be on their terms at all times.

When DS was born, we knew that we would be kept in hospital for 3-4 days. We asked all family to visit in that period so that we could recover in peace at home. My family all did. PIL refused and booked flights for the day we expected to be home.

We arrived home at 5pm, I was in a lot of pain and discomfort. I'd had a blood transfusion and was still really weak. They turned up at 6. They didn't ask how any of us were, but complained endlessly about having to travel. They showed no interest in DS, asked me to make them coffee and criticised us (breastfeeding and how we had dressed DS in particular).

They came back the next day for more of the same. MIL cried because I wouldn't let her give a bottle of formula and then they made DH drive them to the airport.

The whole thing was upsetting. I had day 4 hormones, I was in pain and should have felt comfortable in my own home. I've never quite forgiven them for how they made me feel, and more has happened since.

I don't want them visiting us at home after the birth this time. I'll be having a section so it will be perfectly feasible for them to visit us in hospital and they are welcome to. But I want to settle in at home on my terms first. DH agrees completely and is happy to tell his parents.

However, I also don't want to completely exclude my family - they shouldn't be punished and I know they will all help out.

Is it unfair to allow my family to come for short visits but essentially ban PIL?

@dustydoorframes they would stay in a hotel anyway, so space at ours isn't really an issue. They stayed here once, realised I wouldn't let them control my house and won't stay again...
It's definitely a family politics issue and they don't react like normal people! So feels like we have to be really careful to make sure we get the outcome that works without giving them any leeway.

I'm not sure they can hurt DH more anyway! He's been so sad about their lack of interest. but appearances matter to them and I genuinely believe they would insist on coming because it's what people at home would expect them to do.

@justus22 the problem is that they would turn up, behave badly and refuse to leave. Short of physically manhandling them out of the house, if they are here we are stuck with them for as long as they decide. They wouldn't stay over But after the last time, I don't want them in my home at all until I feel able to cope. It's hard to explain the effect they have on me mentally, but I am not a person to them. I am an inferior being who carried their grandchild. My feelings and opinions mean nothing because I am a woman and they expect my DH to tell me what to do. If my family behaved like them, they wouldn't be coming either.

Thanks @kentishgal I'm sorry you are experiencing the same.

Not intending to dripfeed but as an example of how they ignore our wishes - we moved into our house when I was heavily pregnant. They dissaproved of our choice but decided to come and "help". FIL had a trade.

They wouldn't do anything we asked. For example, he flatly refused to put up a shelf as they didn't like it.

But then they kept doing things we had specifically asked them NOT to do, like trimming all the doors for no reason.

And to demonstrate how little they care about my wellbeing, I was really ill and tired. FIL would only start any work while I was napping. He'd even walk into my bedroom while I was sleeping to do work, DH begged them to let me sleep and they ignored him. So we aren't talking about people we can easily reason with!

msglitch - yours sound far worse - mine are mainly just v rude! Coincidentally we moved when I was heavily pregnant last time and they disapproved (couldn't understand why we would buy an old characterful house) - but that's where it stopped. Yours sound insane - I think I'd have to majorly cut contact but its difficult when it's your partner's parents.

Wow, I'm shocked. I never get it when my friends give me examples of reasons they don't like and limit their in laws when it's often not that bad at all. I do believe family is important especially when children are involved BUT we aren't talking about nice, normal people here. I'd have limited visitation before now and explained exactly why and my husband would not accept anyone treating me like that especially not in front of our children... Considering all those instances, treating them differently to your family should be expected by them as they treat you differently to your husband and behave in a totally unacceptable way. Xx

Every time I give birth my mums comes round and expects me to make her cups of tea and have a spotless house