Scheduling visitors straight after birth

[HamCheeseHamnCheese]

I’m a little way off my due date but this is something that’s giving me anxiety so appreciate advice from those that have DC...

My PIL were meant to be going on holiday but when we told them our news and due date they cancelled! I’m a bit miffed because MIL can be quite overbearing and I know she’ll be wanting to visit as soon as we are home with baby. I am in no way begrudging and excited grandparent of meeting their newborn grandchild, but I just know she’ll be expecting us to be sitting around drinking champagne and celebrating the new arrival, as as this is my first baby so I don’t know first hand - I assume i’ll be feeling pretty knackered, emotional and generally overwhelmed.

They don’t live close (2 hour drive) and I am going to suggest they stay in a hotel or see if they can stay at my parents (down the road from us) as I imagine they won’t be content with just visiting once, but over a few days.

When did you feel ready for visitors? I have visions of them waiting in the labour ward for me to give birth before bursting in with balloons and giftbags!!

I’ve asked DH if we can not tell them I am in labour but announce when baby is here so we can at least by ourselves a few hours whilst they pack and make the journey (I imagine they won’t appreciate the suprised but they’ll also be so excited and overjoyed they won’t think to get annoyed about it)

On the other hand, I have no issues with my mum visiting at any stage because I know she’ll be supportive and helpful. (MIL has never asked how I am feeling throughout my pregnancy!) whereas I know my mum will be running around, cooking and tidying up for us whilst we grab a few precious zzzzz’s when we can.

Please advise on how you think I should manage visitors in the early days. Did you enforce strict visiting hours? Tell people not to come until Day 3 or 4?

What should I do? I need some kind of game plan to ease my nerves on this.

Lots of typos! Sorry, writing from my phone. Hope the above made sense!

My parents came to see us in hospital 3 hours after I'd had DD. DH's mum and brother came to the hospital approximately 12 hours after (they had been in work). The next day we had a big family event so everyone got to meet her.

Talk seriously to your DH about your concerns and come to a decision that you are both happy with and make every effort to stick to it!

I think with your pfb you totally overthink things!!
I was kept in a week (1989!), a regular stream of my close relatives.
Dgm arrived with huge tins of her homemade jam tarts!
Dc number 3 I was back to collect 1+2 from school (back story there!).
Remember you don't have to agree to anything but imo get the initial meet up over with then insist on a few days or whatever to get acclimatised to motherhood in peace!

I didn't want anyone turning up uninvited, so I set a date and time I'd be at my mother's (day after her birth and at my mother's so I could leave when I was ready) anyone that wanted to say hello could come round but after that I would let people know when I was ready for guests. 1

When I gave birth to my dd I was staying at my mums, my brothers where also living there, the youngest of them has Down's syndrome, he was 12. My mum was with me at the birth but my brothers where our first visitors. DB2 couldn't wait so DB1 brought him. I was still in the labour suite as I needed stitches but they were able to nip in for a quick hug and then left. I honestly can't remember the few hours after dds birth, i was so exhausted.
If you don't want visitors then don't tell them your in labour and either way definitely don't have them stay at your home right after your babies birth. I don't think you really feel like a parent until it's just you (and your so) and baby. I was in hospital for three days and didn't really feel like she was mine until we were at home together.

I had my mum and husband with me for birth, my dad came to collect us from hospital 24 hours after baby was born, then in laws came 24 hours after that. Other than that, i didn't have any other visitors for the next four weeks

Everyone is ready for visitors at different times. Some are happy for visits straight away, others would rather wait days, you won't know until you actually give birth.

When your baby is born you can just say to everyone that you will let them know as soon as you're ready for a visit. That way your'e not under any pressure to feel ready by a certain time. I wouldn't put time restrictions, just be quite firm when you want people to leave and get your husband to help with this.

I could have written this OP I'm in the exact same situation!! My PIL are very overbearing and love bragging about the fact they waited outside the delivery room door for 12 hours while my SIL was in labour 😂 they will not be doing that with me.

We have agreed not to tell them when I go into labour, and will text when baby is here and say we will let them know when we are ready for visitors. We are also going to be firm with the midwives that I don't want visitors in hospital because I want to try BF, and really won't be comfortable doing it in front of his side. When we get home the key will be going in the front door so nobody just turns up!

I've spoken to two friends who recently gave birth and they said their biggest regrets were not saying no to visitors. I don't care if I offend them or seem selfish, it's a crucial time for my new family of 3 to bond and try to feed, baby will still be as new a day or two after the birth.

Totally understand your feelings however I would also advise that these are your DH’s parents. How does he feel? I think it’s easy to forget their feelings at this stage. If he wants his Parents to meet baby ASAP then explain to him you’ll be exhausted but that so long as all you have to do is sit with baby they can come once for the first hello. Then when everyone has had their hello suggest you have a break from visitors to get used to things?!

I'm in a very similar position, OP! DH and I are agreed that we won't tell his parents when I'm in labour and have been thinking about going to see them when ready (also 2 hours away) after about 3-4 weeks, rather than having them over. It does all leave me with an anxious feeling. I think more so because it's the unknown. It's got to be right that the new family of 3 comes first!

It's such a personal thing I think you need to get your dh to fight your corner but try to be aware of seeming too obviously like you're treating different sets of grandparents differently (easier said than done). My mum died by suicide 18 months ago and my dad left when I was three, so I'm much closer to my in laws and my mother in law will probably come and stay for a few days when the baby is born as I need a c section and have three others. But this is because I know she will be incredibly helpful and caring!

I was fine with visitors, had a houseful every day (was staying at mums at the time as was in the process of moving). Second time I had visitors too but the deal was they had to play with the toddler and take her out for a bit!

After my first baby, my parents visited during evening visiting hours at the hospital when DD was about 8 hours old - they didn’t stay long. Just enough to see her, make sure I was ok and off they popped until a few days later when I rang my mum and asked her to come over to the house because I was having a meltdown
DC2 was born at home, and my mum was in the house just pottering about with my toddler. DS was about 5 seconds old when I started yelling “where’s my mum?!!!!” She stayed for a few hours after the birth.
Other than that, I really didn’t want visitors. After DC2, we spent four lovely days as a new family of 4, just getting to know our new addition and trying to keep a sense of normality for DC1. Then some of DH’s family descended on us, completely uninvited, and smashed our little “happy bubble” to smithereens It was so overwhelming and uncomfortable, I ended up taking my new baby upstairs, and spent the rest of the “visit” crying on my bed DH came upstairs and saw what state I was in, and swiftly went downstairs to evict the circus downstairs.
You are a clusterfuck of emotions in the days after giving birth, and if anything makes you feel uncomfortable, or uneasy then please don’t feel like you have to go along with it just to please other people!!
We are expecting DC3 later this year, and other than my parents and DH’s mum (who are both the helpful variety of visitor!), I’ll be avoiding all other visitors until I’m ready. I’m talking curtains closed, doors lock, phone off the hook kind of avoiding

OP, if your MIL has form for being overbearing then now is the time to set some firm but kind boundaries in place. Be clear, cheerful but firm. Get DH on side ahead of time.

You will not want houseguests of any kind when you are recovering from childbirth, establishing breastfeeding and settling in to being a parent. No houseguests of any kind let alone over bearing over excited ones. I'd give a clear and early NO to them staying with you.

If I had my first time again I would tell everyone 'we will let you know as soon as we are ready for a visit' as opposed to 'we will call when in labour/when the baby is born.' I would also have a set time for visitors and text it to them so it is in writing. 'We would love to see you and introduce you to baby X. Please stop by anytime from 9:30 -11am on x day. At 11:30am mum & baby will be resting as recommended by the hospital/midwife/whatever, so please come early enough for ample cuddle time.' Or some crap like that. When they are there take photos and pour tea and make a fuss of them. And then have your mum or someone you trust on hand to politely shoo people out at the right time.

Your job is to care for the baby and recover. Not to play host or be the perfect DIL.

Good luck OP

My mum and dad came to the hospital 11 hours after i had my ds. Didnt have any other visitors for a week but thats because i had him on a tuesday had the weekend blocked out for my brother and sister in law to visit and they didnt bother coming!

My niece was born at home and the whole family (both sides) visited within an hour of birth! 😂

I think it just depends on your family and relationship with them. The timing of birth can also play a role. I don't think you'll know till it's time :)

My in-laws came round the day after we left hospital, it was nice to see them as they're lovely, but I was bleeding loads, had leaking boobs like bowling balls as my milk was just coming in, and literally couldn't sit down without an ice pack (episiotomy) so after about half an hour I was getting seriously uncomfortable. Also I had a ravenous baby and breastfeeding in front of them was a bit awkward as I was still getting the hang of what I was doing. They stayed about two hours and any longer would have been too much. I would have massively struggled to have them staying with us, definitely avoid that!
I would have hated them to visit in hospital as I had a spinal and was catheterised so I couldn't go and have a shower for hours after the birth despite giving birth during a heatwave so I looked and probably smelled atrocious, and wouldn't have wanted anyone seeing me in that state.
I would just say you'll keep them updated from hospital and let them know when you're ready for visitors.

All my friends and family are considerate people and we didn't make any advance plans and played it by ear. I was ready for visitors (parents) on the same day with my first but was quite ill after my second and didn't want to see anyone. I was in hospital for a few days and only my sister came in to help me while my husband went to see our eldest (even our daughter didn't come to the hospital).

I agree with not telling them you're in labour and your husband will need to be quite forceful if necessary if you're not ready to see them.

You need to talk to your dh about this, you will be exhausted, knackered and emotional, he will be your advocate.

When I had my dd my dh was useless, I was bullied through a horrible labour and then we had a stream of visitors in the hospital. I was attached to drips, bed bound, v unwell. It was awful but neither of us knew better.

Second birth was a thousand times better. Dh advocated for me through my labour and then afterwards we limited visitors to my dp and dpil (mine are lovely) but dh chivvied everyone along after an hour or so.

Get your dh on board now. Agree what you can manage and then it will be his job to make visitors a cup of tea, take a photo of visitor and baby and then send them on their way.

@StargazyDrifter wow 3/4 weeks seems harsh in my opinion.expect backlash on that. I thought I was strict on my PIL making them wait 2 days (they annoy me at the best of times).

We did same not telling anyone when in labour- just didn't want the constant messages asking how it's going. Some family were actually annoyed that they got a surprise when baby came but I didn't care, they got over it.

I was worried about in laws as well after having my first.

My mum came to stay for a few days to help out which was great.

The following weekend (about 10 days old I guess) we arranged for my PILs to stay with a nearby relative who drove them back and forth to our house on of the Saturday and Sunday. I used the excuse of BF to be upstairs away from everyone as much as I wanted! It was ace! I was initially not planning to leave the room to BF but it honestly was the perfect excuse for some peace when it got too much. I know my MIL was gutted to not be invited sooner and the relatives will have all discussed this (it's a lot of ageing aunties) but since their DILs have had babies they now understand better. I'm glad I stood my ground.

Get some good TV on your iPad, snacks, and get set up ready in a different room away from it all.

I also said no hospital visitors and no friends for at least 2 weeks.

It was completely fine - the overwhelming bit was MIL arriving with loads of gifts from the wider family and insisting on spreading them out round the lounge for me to admire!

@Maddis136 If he wants his Parents to meet baby ASAP then explain to him you’ll be exhausted but that so long as all you have to do is sit with baby they can come once for the first hello. Then when everyone has had their hello suggest you have a break from visitors to get used to things?!

Trouble is, they don't live close by. So it wouldn't be just "popping in for a quick Hello". They'll want to come and visit for hours. (And like I said, they'll expect to be catered for. My SIL had to endure a champagne reception and basically host a family party the day after giving birth!) That's why I thought about suggesting a hotel, so they could come and see us and new baby for say, 2 hours, then leave us and go back to their hotel, then pop in again the next day for another hour or so (more likely another 2 hours minimum). Even this seems like too much for me, bearing in mind they are just 1 set of parents - we also have my 2 sets of parents (both divorced and remarried, I'm close to both step parents) to visit us, plus all our siblings and their DC. I'm overwhelmed just typing this out.

What if I have a traumatic labour, or an emergency C-section? Won't I be shattered and emotional and just wanting to retreat with DH and new baby?

I'm scared about this!

My niece was born at home and the whole family (both sides) visited within an hour of birth! 😂

Lucky mum.

I don’t blame you for not telling anyone when you go into labour-that’s very wise!

@StargazyDrifter DH and I are agreed that we won't tell his parents when I'm in labour and have been thinking about going to see them when ready (also 2 hours away) after about 3-4 weeks

That sounds like a good plan. My PIL would NEVER wait 3-4 weeks. Like I said, they cancelled their holiday because it clashes with my due date!!!

To be honest, I'm not sure I would expect them to be able to wait that long, I totally understand how excited they'd be to meet their new grandchild. And also, would it not be easier for you for them to come to you instead of you having to travel with your new baby?

they'll expect to be catered for.

Well, that is just ridiculous. A cup of tea and a biscuit maybe, but beyond that?? That is incredibly selfish and self-absorbed.

It is for your husband to lay the groundwork now with his parents-‘just to let you know that there’s no way we’ll be doing what x did and hosting/making you a dinner the day after we have this baby-we’re not mad! Just want to make that crystal clear!’