Scheduling visitors straight after birth

[HamCheeseHamnCheese]

I’m a little way off my due date but this is something that’s giving me anxiety so appreciate advice from those that have DC...

My PIL were meant to be going on holiday but when we told them our news and due date they cancelled! I’m a bit miffed because MIL can be quite overbearing and I know she’ll be wanting to visit as soon as we are home with baby. I am in no way begrudging and excited grandparent of meeting their newborn grandchild, but I just know she’ll be expecting us to be sitting around drinking champagne and celebrating the new arrival, as as this is my first baby so I don’t know first hand - I assume i’ll be feeling pretty knackered, emotional and generally overwhelmed.

They don’t live close (2 hour drive) and I am going to suggest they stay in a hotel or see if they can stay at my parents (down the road from us) as I imagine they won’t be content with just visiting once, but over a few days.

When did you feel ready for visitors? I have visions of them waiting in the labour ward for me to give birth before bursting in with balloons and giftbags!!

I’ve asked DH if we can not tell them I am in labour but announce when baby is here so we can at least by ourselves a few hours whilst they pack and make the journey (I imagine they won’t appreciate the suprised but they’ll also be so excited and overjoyed they won’t think to get annoyed about it)

On the other hand, I have no issues with my mum visiting at any stage because I know she’ll be supportive and helpful. (MIL has never asked how I am feeling throughout my pregnancy!) whereas I know my mum will be running around, cooking and tidying up for us whilst we grab a few precious zzzzz’s when we can.

Please advise on how you think I should manage visitors in the early days. Did you enforce strict visiting hours? Tell people not to come until Day 3 or 4?

What should I do? I need some kind of game plan to ease my nerves on this.

@Pamplem00se sorry for your loss Glad your MIL is there to offer the kind of support you'll need with a new baby. That's the thing, if I knew MIL was going to be helpful I wouldn't mind. I suppose my worry is that they'll want to come over and be hosted. Neither PIL would think to put on the kettle and offer to make everyone a cuppa. They'll want to be sitting there, having baby cuddles and drinking champagne.

To be honest, if this happens I might just have to excuse myself and go upstairs for a lie-down. At least they'll be there too look after baby whilst I have a nap.

@IntoValhalla Then some of DH’s family descended on us, completely uninvited, and smashed our little “happy bubble” to smithereens sad It was so overwhelming and uncomfortable, I ended up taking my new baby upstairs, and spent the rest of the “visit” crying on my bed

What a nightmare! Poor you!! This is exactly what I am trying to avoid.

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix Thank you, thats really good advice. I'm going to have DH send that kind of message and your suggested kind of approach - "sorry you can't stay longer, got to rest now, doctors orders!"

Hello, when I had my first I knew I didn’t want any visitors at all for a few days. I think people were disappointed but they understood as I made it clear that I didn’t know how the labour was going to be or how I would feel after it. I also just wanted to ‘be’ if that makes sense?

As it happens the labour was fine and I was by lunch time. I called my mum and asked if she wanted to meet her grandson - she was there within the hour! We didn’t have any other visitors until the next week when I felt up to it.

I think after you’ve had your first baby it all feels sort of surreal and you need to get used to your new normal, however long that takes you.

The best thing I did was have that period of time as you never get it back, so you must do what’s right for you at that time, irrespective of feelings (as harsh as that seems).

As a suggestion I also put a note on the front window asking for patience if someone knocked on the door. Or if I was trying to sleep the now would say “new baby sleeping please do not knock on the door. Any parcels can be left by the garage. Thank you.” Signed off “tired new mum!” Lol.

I’m due my second and I am going to do the same. For me personally I like the idea of it just being us for a few days and allowing my 4 year to adjust.

I'm due any day now and we're not telling anyone she's arrived until I feel ready for visitors.
I know some people will be a bit miffed that they're not told straight away but fuck 'em. I'm probably only going to do this once so I'm making sure it's on my terms :)

I had both sets of parents about two hours after i'd given birth. It was important to me that they all came and met their first grandchild. They only stayed about half an hour as I was knackered.

The next day they came again with our siblings and grandparents and I had a couple of visitors every day.

It's not a popular opinion on mumsnet but I think it's really important to include family in those special early days. You may well be relying on these people later, and while you might not like her much, she is your child's Grandma.

If she really is hard work, your DH will need to make it clear that the visits can't be too long.

@CalamityJune I agree, and I would never begrudge an excited grandparent coming to meet their new grandchild. I have a great relationship my PIL and get on well with MIL, its not an issue of not liking her at all.. its more a case of managing their visits in the early days when its all a bit too much. Unlike your family I can't see mine being satisfied with a quick half hour Hello, especially considering they'll have travelled 2 hours to visit.

@Hamcheese
A hotel sounds like a very good idea. I totally get why you don’t want a champagne reception and a never ending stream of people. If you’ve had an emergency section or traumatic birth you’ll be kept in hospital with very limited visiting hours which will in some ways help you out.
X

@Holidayshopping Yes, she was a very lucky mum who wanted to share her baby and good news. She gave birth within 45 minutes - my mum was there to collect my other niece. She called me 30 mins after birth asking for a McDonald's. That's how our family works. We share moments instead of excluding people 🙄 she was very grateful for the help! No need for you to be sarcastic. People do things in different ways.

@Holidayshopping Ps, whole family refers to three sisters and two grandmothers 🙄 Not descending in hundreds! 😂

It's also worth remembering that newborns are really only awake for something like 30-45 minutes at most, and they will spend a lot of that time feeding. The baby itself won't be up for being passed around like a joint at Woodstock for hours.

If the baby is asleep will they be happy to admire him/her in the basket? Or will they be wanting to play dollies and take photos etc?

My in-laws used to come and stay for 2, 3,4 hours when i had a newborn. They used to pass him back and forth, poke him and talk loudly in silly voices to keep him awake. They massively overstimulated him and he would end up overtired and screaming and basically be a nightmare for hours afterwards. I was a new mum and had no idea what I was doing, looking back I wish I'd just had the assertiveness to say 'he's ready for a sleep- thanks for coming!' instead of prioritising PIL's delicate feelings.

People forget that newborns babies need lots of sleep and time to bond with mum and dad. it's not good for them to be passed around and surrounded by strange voices and smells for hours in those early days.

They've travelled a long way, but visits to newborns are traditionally short and sweet for a reason. Don't let them pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with.

With my first I had MIL waiting at home for when I came out
Second I had MIL in the hospital a few hours after I'd given birth
Now with this one I just want my husband and DC at the hospital and for the first two weeks, you have midwives in and out health visitor checks BF consultants so I think you need to give yourself the head space before you have your home bombarded with visitors that's just in my experience...

I went into labour on the Tuesday - had the baby via emergency c section on Wednesday - my mum came and visited Wednesday night. My partners mum was invited to visit too but doesn't drive so couldn't get over. I was kept in hospital for a week because of infection but invited friends and family to visit because otherwise I'd have gone insane!

It's each to their own but I was happy with visitors right from the start, it made me feel like I was just this baby machine and still "me"

@WhatALearningCurve I'm happy for visitors, I'm sure I'll be excited to introduce my new baby to all of our family, I just want to avoid the type of situation @YesimstillwatchingNetflix described....

My in-laws used to come and stay for 2, 3,4 hours when i had a newborn. They used to pass him back and forth, poke him and talk loudly in silly voices to keep him awake. They massively overstimulated him and he would end up overtired and screaming and basically be a nightmare for hours afterwards.

This is my nightmare, also, unfortunately, my expectation.. unless I plan some way around it. Which, going by the replies here, I'll just have to be assertive but let DH do the shooing out the door.

@HamCheeseHamnCheese I meant made me feel like I wasn't a baby machine obviously!

I am a sucker for keeping myself in situations I don't want to be in because I don't want to be "rude" or make someone else feel uncomfortable.

I found with my little one (he's 5 weeks today) I could be direct with people "I'm sorry I'm exhausted I'm going to have to sleep now but it's been lovely seeing you" or "I'm sorry - I'm going to have to take him back now; not used to not having him on me so I'm feeling a bit lost I'm sure you understand". The fear of being rude went away - and if if I did need to be more direct (literally taking my child from their arms) I could just blame it on those pesky new mum hormones and no one questions it

A 2hr drive isn’t that far. Can’t they come down for an afternoon and stat ~3hrs a few days after you get back from hospital. Then invite them back for a longer period later.

They early days are so critical that you feel comfortable. If you are BFing you might need to be sitting around with no clothes on atop a mountain of cushions. To establish BF effectively you have to feel comfortable.

Our family are not like this, but I am saying yes to hospital visitors, then no visitors at home for the first week. Depends how long I'm in for though. I figure hospital visitors are easy as definitely no hosting required and they'll be told to leave at the end of visiting so no overstayers!

After that day guests that come with food and look after themselves are welcome, but no overnights. I think all of ours are good for this.

My family live 1.5hrs away but are happy to go there and back in a day. 2hrs isn't far! Yours can easily do that in a day. No need to stay.

MIL lives in Germany so not sure how that will work - she can stay with other family in the UK and then visit on the same terms if she wants in the first weeks. After a month or 2 I'd be ok with her staying a night or so.

I figure hospital visitors are easy as definitely no hosting required and they'll be told to leave at the end of visiting so no overstayers!

That's a good point.

It's each to their own but I couldn't treat my parents differently to my in laws when allowing and disallowing visits of our newborn. My friend had her mum at the birth and to stay for a week after whilst scheduling minimal visits for her husbands parents, they have a very broken relationship now and that didn't help at all. My husbands family are nice I must admit and of course I feel more comfortable in a state with my own parents than my in laws but we don't have 1st and 2nd class grandparents, I probably feel extra strongly about this as a mother of boys who hopes to never face this. When I was in labour last time our mother's and my nan sat together in my nans garden, drinking tea awaiting news whilst our dad's were at work/golf. Our first child I hadn't even thought about visitors and the family (both sides) turned up immediately (post birth) at hospital-it wasn't the best as I had a 40+ hour labour and felt tired, emotional and dirty but we got through it and actually I look back fondly now. I agree with a pp, hospital visitors are manageable, they have set visiting hours and only set amount of visitors around the bed at once so people have to take turns. I also agree that not telling when you're in labour is a good idea if you want space, my mother has been beside herself knowing when I am in labour I actually think she'd be better not knowing... Just tell anyone who is offended you were too busy to let everyone know, they shouldn't have an issue, if they do it's not your problem it's perfectly reasonable to hold back if you both want to. What I don't think is fair is telling your parents and not his though. I always think that I need my parents so my husband must need his too, there's room for everyone if you allow it. Seems like you like them too so even more important in my mind that you treat them the same. X

I'm a MIL and visited my adult DC about a month after the birth. I waited to be invited and we stayed at a nearby hotel as DIL's parents were staying with them.
It was fine and I understand that daughters really only want their own parents involved so I have always tried to be respectful of this. I get on well with my DIL and she often asks me for advice as I have a young child at home too, plus she's not British and asks about NHS/schooling etc.

DIL usually takes DGS to her parents overseas about once a year for about 3 weeks at a time.
We see DGS about once a year for about 4 days.

It is what it is.

@sewingismyhobby I'm so sorry to read that, you sound like a really understanding lady. Good you've kept a good relationship going still. I've friends who treat their in laws like this despite getting on and I just don't get it but it is the norm in lots of familys 😢 x

@Justus22 I agree and would try not to treat them differently. It just is a bit difference as my DM is naturally helpful and lives down the road, MIL is not helpful (as I said before, she wouldn’t help herself and offer to make tea or anything) and lives 2 hours away. My initial post is also about what would be ideal for them - I wouldn’t expect them to drive 2 hours for a quick visit then to be shooed out the door. I think a nearby hotel would be a good option so they can visit us over a couple of days, without being our house-guests.

I do appreciate they’ll be super excited, and I wouldn’t take that away from them. Plus it’s my 1st baby, i imagine I will be excited to introduce him/her to all our family!

If she can’t make her own cup of tea once he baby is here she is going to go thirsty!

I wanted close relations to come see me in hospital before I was discharged. This worked except for the two who had colds who I didn't see for a couple of weeks

Otherwise because of work or school/college they all turn up in the evenings when your LO will decide they want to cluster feed.

I suggest if you are going to be kept in over 24 hours you get them to come and see you in hospital. The staff can help you kick them out when you have had enough of them as they will come and do some checks or they will run out of visiting time.