Sister not happy for my pregnancy - am I being unreasonable as can’t relate

[Amy0121]

I am the younger sister by 2 years and fell pregnant before my older sister without any trying (am now 7 months pregnant). When I announced my news to family, my sister didn’t congratulate me at all and basically just walked out the room. I later found out she was trying ttc for about a year. She has not been there for me at all so far, I’ve had a rotten time throughout with sickness being admitted about 4 times to hospital, she’s shown no interest and has never responded to a post on our family message group where I may have posted a pic or just an update. I’m feeling so hurt and angry at how she’s treating me and I feel so guilty even being pregnant because of it. I’ve kept trying to reach out to her but feel like giving up now on our relationship altogether. Am I the one being unreasonable because I can’t relate to her situation?

U have an older sister and when my younger sis announced her pregnancy the older one was horrified as she felt she should be the first to have children

Some people are just like that

Accept she’s deeply unhappy and don’t invest too much time thinking about it

She’ll come round eventually

You’re partway through a pregnancy you didn’t even try for while your sister is desperate for a baby and (given the timescales involves) likely coming to terms with an infertility issue.

And you’re upset she isn’t showing enough interest in your pregnancy?

Is this a reverse or do you seriously lack the common sense most of us are born with?

If this is not a reverse then I think you might have had an empathy bypass

Firstly, and most importantly, congratulations! Having a baby is an incredible thing. I hear your pain re: your sister but please go gently with her. She’s been trying to conceive and there may be underlying issues that you don’t know about. It’s tough watching people fall pregnant without really trying. It took me 6 years. I tried everything, whilst looking after pregnant colleagues and showing a happy face every time a friend told me they were expecting. I now have 2 natural DC, but for a long time we thought it would never happen. It hurts, deeply, to see other people having children without any angst or bother. It’s hard not to let it show. Your sister is probably very, very upset. Not with you or the impending arrival of a niece or nephew, but just with life and how hard it can be sometimes. Let her be. She’ll come around eventually. Also, 1 year of trying isn’t very much. Chances are your sister will be pregnant soon. If not, encourage another member of the family to have a quiet chat with her, to see whether she’s explored all of the alternatives..acupuncture, holistic medicine, or IVF, ICSI, IUI. Please don’t be mad at her. Just understand that it may take her a while to come around to the idea of you being pregnant first. It’s not a race. Chances are she’ll fall pregnant before you know it. Good luck with your last weeks! And try to enjoy them. 🌷🌷🌷

As an older sister who really wanted kids it was tough when my younger sister fell pregnant before me (twice) - slightly different circumstances for why I didn’t have kids sooner. It’s hard as an older sibling and probably even more difficult for your sister if she’s been ttc however as difficult as it is, it sounds like it’s her issue to deal with. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it and apart from being sensitive and trying to reach out I don’t think there is anything else you can do - as Tulips says she’ll hopefully come round eventually and all you can do in the meantime is concentrate on you and baby, try not to let it dull your excitement.

I disagree with the previous poster. You don't have an empathy bypass.

Yes, some people take it hard when good things happen to other people. OP isn't at fault for her sister's inability to conceive and it doesn't sound like she's going out of her way to rub it in her sister's face. Even when other people have the perfect life around me I don't get all shitty about it and rain on their parade. She could try being kind to her sister and congratulating her on her pregnancy. I get that infertility is hard and heartbreaking and all that but it isn't license to be dismissive and unkind to other people.

From personal experience it is unbelievably hard when you are strugglimg to conceive and people close to you are pregnant. It’s hard to be happy for someone else when you are terrified that it will never happen for you, that you will never feel a baby kick inside you, hold them in your arms etc.

It’s a shame she can’t put a brave face on and be a bit happier for you but I would far rather be in your position than hers. It’s not about you being pregnant first, it’s about her being scared she’ll never be.

Sounds like it’s issues your sister needs to deal with - unfortunately many people can’t be happy for others when they themselves are unable to gain whatever it is. Can’t be easy for her but it doesn’t mean it’s ok to take someone else’s joy from them. Leave her to it as difficult as it’ll be she will come round at some point. Hope your pregnancy is going well other than that OP!

My younger sister got pregnant the first time they had sex without contraception. I was having fertility appointments and saving up for IVF.

It was bloody hard. I was so happy for her but also depressed for myself...

It's a shame she can't put on a brave face and she probably feels awful about it. Just give her time, I'm sure it will get easier. I don't think either of you are BU

I think you have to be sensitive to how difficult it is for her and respect her choice to remove herself from the situation. In an ideal world she would be able to paste on a smile and congratulate you but it seems like that's not something she's able to do. Don't give up on the relationship, just don't expect her to be involved with your pregnancy, or even necessarily baby when it arrives.

I think you've had an empathy bypass. She's having fertility problems and you got pregnant by accident. Of course she's devastated. She's drempt of a baby for a long time and of seeing that baby with grandparents and now she will have to watch you do that. Don't gloat about how easily you got pregnant. Maybe even tell her you understand it's hard for her and ask her where she is with TTC or is she seeking treatment? If you show a bit of compassion im sure she will be able to converse more with you about the pregnancy. It's not all about you.

I think you need to be kind to her but if is a pity she can't be happy for you despite her pain. Walking out of the room and ignoring texts is horrible actually. One year of trying is quite normal. Just let her be. Be nice but she isn't going to be there for you and you need to expect that.

Posts saying she has a lack of empathy are really cruel.

I am sure OP knows that her sister is upset because of the fertility problems. That doesn't mean she can't expect her sister to just acknowledge her pregnancy.

OP, I think your sister is being unfair. I feel for her. One of my closest friends got pregnant from a fling when DP and I had been trying for a few months and I felt sad for us that it wasn't happening, but I felt happy for her because she was happy.

I understand how painful it is to struggle to conceive but to not even acknowledge your sister's pregnancy and the way she's acting is unreasonable, unkind and potentially damaging to a family.

I struggle with accepting that one woman's devastation should take precedence over another woman's joy. I understand that struggling to conceive brings a unique pain but I don't accept that women shouldn't generally share their pregnancy news and progress. If the op's sister gets pregnant I imagine she'll be expecting the reactions the op is expecting.

I was never able to fall pregnant and years later I was (pretty flippantly, on the Dr's part) diagnosed with a condition that explained why I hadn't been able to fall pregnant - the diagnosis wrecked me because although it finally gave me an answer, after years of failing to fall pregnant I felt certain then that I NEVER would be able to.

Shortly after diagnosis my elder sister tells me she's pregnant (she hadn't even been trying long at all). In my entire life I have never had to try so hard to put on a happy face and act happy as in that moment. The pain I felt inside felt almost physical. As selfish as it might have been, my sister's pregnancy caused my pain to intensify, I became even more depressed - even though logically I should have been nothing but excited and joyful for her. I continued to fake the excited happiness for her though, but that doesn't make me a better person than your sister because it's very difficult and I can understand how utterly hopeless and gutted she must feel.

Just wanted to give another view as others have to help you see why your sister, in spite of I'm sure loving you to pieces and in her logical mind being happy for you, has been acting this way. Also, after 12 years of no pregnancies, I finally got my BFP when I met my husband. There's a right time for everyone :) But most of all I want to congratulate you because all babies are a wonderful gift and blessing.

I never really wanted children my sister did I've had three she has had none she is 48 she is fine with it if she is hurt and upset she hides it well

I’m also in the empathy bypass school of thought, sorry. I appreciate you’ve not deliberately rubbed it in her face (although there’s an argument for not knowingly sending pics and updates on your unplanned pregnancy to someone you know is struggling to conceive and has been for a while, but I guess that’s just a bit thoughtless rather than outright rubbing it in, or I’d hope it is). But she’s not exactly told you to fuck off and die has she?! Not being absolutely over the moon thrilled for your younger sister who fell pregnant without trying when you’re struggling isn’t crime of the century. Yes we all know that you being pregnant won’t stop her, that you’re not having her baby etc etc and in an ideal world she’d be able to be excited for you, but she isn’t being unreasonable to keep her distance from something/someone who is causing her pain. It might not be nice to not be able to share things with your sister, but in the nicest way possible: you’ve got what she’s looking at possibly not getting and it bloody hurts. I’ve been in the same position as your sister and quite frankly, those who couldn’t understand why I was upset or just not as excited as them are the ones who I no longer speak to. Yes she clearly has to accept that you’re having a baby, but you do also need to think that perhaps this is very difficult for her. If she’s anything like me the biggest thing would be worrying about how she would react to you/the pregnancy/the baby in front of people who possibly don’t know her situation and would think her a complete dick for whatever reaction she did have.

YABU. Infertility is soul destroying. Maybe contact her and ask how she
Is without sending her anything pregnancy related.

It almost sounds like a brag when you say you got pregnant without any trying. I hope you didn't tell your sister that.

Yes, agree with others. Reading your posts, I felt so, so sorry for your sister and I've never met her.

Please try to imagine what ttc without success feels like and have some compassion.

Your irritation with her will melt away when you hold your baby. Her sorrow won't.

OP, you are being utterly insensitive and selfish. How would you feel if the position was reversed? If you had fertility problems and had failed to conceive for a year, only for your sister to flaunt pregnancy updates and expect you to celebrate?
I had a miscarriage of my first baby the same year that 3 SILs were all pregnant with their first babies. And no, I didn’t want to bloody celebrate either. Give your sister some space, don’t expect her to be thrilled for you, and don’t rub your pregnancy in her face. It will be even more painful for her when the child arrives, so show a bit of tact and don’t expect her to coo over it.

I think this reaction is not uncommon. It certainly happened to me, from a colleague and a relative. I was surprised and a bit hurt at the time. It's not personal, just a sad reminder to the women concerned that you have succeeded/been fortunate where they have failed/been unfortunate. Not much you can do except empathise with their situation and try to avoid too much focus on your own pregnancy.

Have you tried to converse/message on anything not involving your pregnancy?
I had 3 miscarriages and then it took ages to fall with my son (and now we are going through it all again to give him a sibling).
My neighbour,with whom I got on with really well, and worked with her DP, fell without trying and it was like a kick in the gut. I tried so hard to be happy for them, and part of me was, but for my own mental health, I had to step away from the friendship for a while, it hurtso much, and I didn't want to drag down their happiness because of my own failure (where I was at the time). I am pretty sure DH spoke to them because she came round one day with a cake, and gave me a hug, and we had a chat that didn't include babies/pregnancy etc.
I know how exciting and all encompassing pregnancy can be for the expectant mother, but sometimes a conversation with others not about you or baby is a more sensitive route to take.
I know you are not trying to run it in her face, and I'm sure she does too, but when you're struggling with infertility it feels like everyone you know is getting pregnant and especially when it's easy or accidental etc it's so hard to put a smile on sometimes
Hope this makes sense, just trying to offer a different perspective but had a long night at work so not sure how much sense it's going to make

It doesn’t sound like you are shoving it in her face, you just want her to actually care about your baby. Is she going to ignore her own niece/nephew once they’re here? I understand it must be so hard for her right now but she shouldn’t be taking that out on you. Her pain shouldn’t trump your joy, you should both be supporting each other.

I am honestly flabbergasted at how many people are saying OP is being insensitive. Her sister is being an absolute dick. I understand fertility problems. I understand wanting and trying for a child for years.

As somebody who loves my siblings so, so much, I cannot imagine ever refusing to acknowledge them on such a joyous gift or congratulating them.

I'd feel so hurt if my siblings weren't asking how I was doing, how baby is brewing etc.

And she's been trying for a year. That's hardly a fertility problem right now. Many, many people on this forum have tried for that long to no avail.

OP you are certainly not being utterly selfish at all!
The best thing to do OP would be to not put too much pregnancy related stuff on the family whats app and share that directly with your individual family members instead (not your sister). I agree a level of sensitivity is needed but you can't pretend you're not pregnant - this is a happy, life changing event for you why shouldn't you be able to share your excitement with your own parents who will also be very excited about the prospect of a grandchild?
You may have to accept that your sister is finding this very difficult and therefore may find it too hard to be overly involved in your baby's life once he or she arrives. For the time being could you speak to your sister? And perhaps just share your pregnancy news and stuff with other family members for the time being. You are allowed to be excited about your own pregnancy and don't feel guilty about that, the arrival of a new baby is an exciting and wonderful thing for any family - It just needs handling sensitively that's all.