Sister not happy for my pregnancy - am I being unreasonable as can’t relate

[Amy0121]

I am the younger sister by 2 years and fell pregnant before my older sister without any trying (am now 7 months pregnant). When I announced my news to family, my sister didn’t congratulate me at all and basically just walked out the room. I later found out she was trying ttc for about a year. She has not been there for me at all so far, I’ve had a rotten time throughout with sickness being admitted about 4 times to hospital, she’s shown no interest and has never responded to a post on our family message group where I may have posted a pic or just an update. I’m feeling so hurt and angry at how she’s treating me and I feel so guilty even being pregnant because of it. I’ve kept trying to reach out to her but feel like giving up now on our relationship altogether. Am I the one being unreasonable because I can’t relate to her situation?

I can understand why she's hurt but she shouldn't be so shit. I've been trying for a similar amount of time (if you mean about a year plus the length of her pregnancy) and it really does test you mentally. It's far shitter than logically it should be. I've been properly worried about my mental health at times, not something that's ever been a concern before. So I don't think you should cut contact; I think you should offer support but with the understanding that she may not want it from you at this time.

Empathy isn't a big thing in your family obviously.
Your sister could and should have made a greater effort to hide her disappointment that you are pregnant and she is not (yet, hopefully she will be in time).
You should understand how hard it is on her ttc and cut her a little slack-difficult I know, considering her response to your pregnancy.

Sounds like she hasn’t been able to manage her emotions about her own situation (about which you may not know the full story). Sad and disappointing for you, but understandable IMO.

Empathy bypass camp.

I've been the pregnant first sister before, who was entirely ignored by my elder infertile sister - I understood it, gave her space and we got through it. I've also been the (secondary) infertile one watching others (including my sister) easily get pregnant and being heartbroken every time.

Trust me when I say the infertility side is way worse than any self pity about people not taking an interest. Being pregnant is a gift, enjoy it for yourself but don't expect everyone to feel the same way. Infertility is like a sense of grief and some people are better able to handle it or hide it.

Please be kind to your sister, take all the attention from others and enjoy that, and your baby. Congratulations to you 💐

Congratulations and sorry your sister isn't being supportive. One thing to note is don't moan about how crap pregnancy is and how you feel sick to someone struggling to conceive, by all means moan at others. But your sister would probably do anything to be going through what you are even if its crap at times. I'd probably go easy on the updates on the family group too

I have gone through a similar thing with a friend. We used to be close since being pegnant, she hasn’t asked me how I am etc for over 7 months & doesn’t bother with me. The people saying you have no empathy are ridiculous, your not rubbing it in her face but this is a special time for you that she is kind of taking away from you. It’s not your fault she has struggled to Concieve and she should be happy for you or at least just say I’m happy for you but I’m struggling to be around you. At least then you could do something about it or try not to talk too much around her. I don’t know....but I don’t see why her feelings should be prioritised over yours?x

I am in the middle here, I think you both are at fault. You did not know her situation when you announced so you had no idea any sensitivity/tact was required and her reaction has been very unkind, totally OK had she composed herself and then explained why she just walked out as we can't help our gut reactions. You shouldn't have then sent updates/pic in the family group knowing how sensitive she is right now imo but she is being very selfish/unkind just totally ignoring you in general. This is a special time for you and a better person would even simply tell you or even write you a note saying she's happy for you but hurting so much she hopes you understand she needs to keep her distance which you should totally support. This is your first baby you should enjoy every second and share what you like with everyone who wants to listen and be involved though (there are plenty of people who will.) I'm sure when your sisters time comes she will be so elated and celebrating herself so it'd be sad if you were denied your happiness because she's not in the same place as you. I think empathy is the answer but it works both ways and maybe because I know so many amazing women who have struggled with infertility but still supported and celebrated with their loved ones I struggle with the whole idea of it being someone's right to begrudge and hurt loved ones for their happiness. If you're having a baby it's not all about you to someone who is struggling no but to you that baby is amazing and worth celebrating, equally if you're struggling with infertility it's not all about you and you have no right to deny anyone sharing or celebrating their happiness. I'd reach out to your sister not mentioning the pregnancy and say you hope you see or speak to her soon and if she needs anything you will be there for her and then leave the ball in her court. X

I'm in the middle on this one too as I was in the same situation as your sister. Me and DH had been ttc for almost a year when my younger brother got his girlfriend (of what felt like 2 days) accidentally pregnant. No-one knew i'd been ttc so I put on a brave face and acted very happy for them, ask all the right questions about the pregnancy etc but inside i really struggled to deal with it and found it really hard being around them. I feel really sorry for you that you are having to go through this while pregnant, I'm sure you'd love to be sharing your experience with her but also please try to be sensitive towards her, it is very hard if you're ttc and it's not happening and it's even harder when it feels like everyone around you is falling pregnant at the drop of a hat

I don't think you're lacking empathy at all OP.
Agree with what others have said regarding reahing out to her separately, not mentioning your pregnancy but just try to find out how she is. Perhaps once baby is born she will find it easier.
I had a similar situation with my best friend who, when i told her i was pregnant (via text as i knew she was struggling with PCOS and had been trying for 3 yrs) she told me she was devastated and needed time. We didn't speak for 7 months and i just waited for her to come to me. And she did. She's now pregnant with her first after IVF and I'm having my 2nd and they are 3 months apart! It is great to be able to share pregnancy with her, if you know what i mean.

Anyway, i'm rambling! Reach out to your sister, but don't be surprised if she isn't ready yet. Give her time and space and see what happens...it will be a shame if she misses out on her niece/nephew but it will be her loss to not be involved. Her decision.
TBH i don't think you can 'win' either way, i am the younger sister and my older sis has never wanted children, she likes her freedom. She has paid zero interest in my pregnancies and seen my son maybe 3 times since he was born? And thats with her NOT wanting children. It's just something i feel sad about, but have to deal with. She is missing out though....my kids would love her so much! But you can't force someone to be there when they don't want to be.

Good luck OP, i hope your sister comes round or gets her BFP soon. In the meantime don't let it taint your pregnancy joy.

Op you ask if you are being unreasonable as you can't relate. If you have a scan on the ttc threads there are normally conversations on there by women trying very hard to ttc and how they are coping with people around them/ close to them conceiving with apparent ease. That might help you get an idea of what your sister is feeling.

I read your post and wondered whether your sister walked out the room and burst into tears?

I agree with others about reaching out and talking about something non pregnancy related to begin with.

In an ideal world your sister should have put on a brave face and smiled and just concentrated on your happy news but speaking from experience it can be hard when it hurts so much.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, take the time to find those people who you can talk all things baby as this is a special time for you xxxxx

Sorry to hijack the thread but can't figure out how to PM on the app, but @Froglette16 I've been TTC for 7 years so I'm interested to know if you have any advice about conceiving naturally after TTC for so long??