To find out if a boy or girl? Thoughts!

[MegCharlotte]

Hello!

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and up until now have always thought I'd keep the sex of the baby a surprise... but more recently I am leaning towards finding out! I have a couple of close friends who are pregnant and either know or will find out, and I like the idea of feeling more of a bond when knowing what it is. Also it helps when buying/decorating. But then I've also heard how lovely it is to have a surprise...

What are people's thoughts/experiences?

Thanks! :)

That's ok @purplemama1990. I've been awake since 2 so I should have had the sense to wait until after the caffeine had kicked in to reread it and post!

I've had so many of those comments too -what do you want, will you be disappointed if, etc. And I have friends who've got incredibly hurtful relationships with their parents because they aren't the stereotypical boy / girl they were hoping for. So maybe I'm a bit sensitive to that issue as I know it definitely exists.

But my apologies for any offence caused here.

We found out with both our girls and I loved knowing. I never once regretted finding out and liked that I only had to think of one lot of names and could start buying things (I'm certainly not a girls = pink and boys = blue type, but still enjoyed not having to buy everything in neutrals).

On the other hand, my brother and his wife didn't find out and they loved the anticipation. She also said it helped her throughout labour as it was something exciting to find out. Personally I thought the baby in itself was exciting enough, but I think whatever you decide you will be happy.

I think it's a personal choice. We found out and people kept saying to us "oh but now there's no surprise" to which I just replied that all I are about the day I give birth is that I go home with a healthy baby. I couldn't care less what's between their legs! Its a surprise whenever you find out and I'll always cherish the moment DH and I found out we're having a boy. It's definitely helped me bond, prepare and buy suitable stuff, but some people really feel strongly about being surprised on the day so it's just down to what's important to you.

I had my last baby 12 years ago but I didn't find out with either of them.

To be honest, the sonography never asked us and it never occurred to me to ask.

I did enjoy not knowing, wondering. I had no problem 'bonding' with my pregnant. What does that even mean? That somehow you love your unborn baby more or 'know' them better?

I went to my 20 week scan on my own with my second baby and I was pretty sure I saw a willy on the screen but put it out if my mind. As it happened, when he born he became the first boy born into my side of the family in 40 years. Brilliant news to break as a surprise to everyone. Loved it.

I didn't find out. I don't think that knowing would have changed anything I bought really - I hate gendered clothes and outfits for small babies and just have a load of cute sleepsuits and vests in every colour imaginable.

People keep telling me it will be a nice surprise but I don't feel that way. I'm just not bothered. It'll still be a baby with its own personality and my hopes and dreams for it won't change based on its sex.

Milicent
I should have said second successful pregnancy.
What does it mean to bond?
In my case I felt quite detached from the pregnancy due to previous losses.
So yes it helped me.

Btw we didnt tell anyone we knew so still had a surprise to tell everyone.

We found out for our first and I didn’t want to know for our second, but DC wants a sister and DH wants to know. I think to manage DC’s expectations we will find out (soon) and hopefully help with names as we are really struggling. Hopefully knowing will help focus our efforts.

I’m not one for pink or blue clothes either. We have most stuff left from DC, so regardless of sex we can reuse what we have in the main.

I didn’t want to know with either of mine. I really wanted girls, (radical 70’s feminist!) and would have had months to brew resentment if I found in advance that either were boys. I would have been more likely to just accept it and get on with it if I only found out at the birth. Fortunately both turned out to be girls, so I had two nice surprises!

Finding out the sex doesn't make you bond anymore than if you have a surprise. And it only 'helps' with decorating if you believe in highly gendered colours. Ie boys must have blue and girls must have pink.

We decorated our nursery with beige and orange features and bought gender neutral coloured clothes. So now that I'm expecting my second, I don't have to go through the bother of redecorating the nursery and buying new clothes.

It was amazing having my husband tell me the sex when my first born entered the world. You've got the rest of the child's life to know what sex they are. The 9 months of not knowing makes it exciting not just for yourself, but for friends and family too. They'll always want to take a guess! It's a big topic of conversation. I noticed that those who revealed the sex didn't get as much interest anymore.

@PandaBlue summed it up perfectly!

To me, finding out early is bit like opening your Christmas present early. Still nice but not as special as on the day itself.

I always thought I would want to know big DP preferred not to. When it came to it I wasn’t bothered either way so we are keeping it a surprise. Personally I am really glad I haven’t found out. I’m almost 27 weeks now and as I sit here looking st my tummy move I like wondering who is in there! Not knowing hasn’t made it difficult to buy things as we have gone neutral and once the baby is born we can go shopping ☺️ People always ask if I know what I’m having and the responses are always positive, even people who don’t really know me seem genuinely excited for me! I’m hoping when it comes to the big day there will be the opportunity for DP to tell me if we have a son or daughter! It is personal choice though, neither is right or wrong 😊 x

For me, finding out has definitely made me feel closer to the baby and bond with it more. I don't think sweeping statements that it doesn't make a difference are helpful - everyone has a different experience and a different history. For us, this was a total surprise pregnancy after three years TTC. I have found it very hard to believe it's real or imagine that we might actually end up with a baby at the end of it. Knowing that it's a boy has helped me a lot to start accepting this. But really, it's a totally personal choice and whatever is best for you. I don't think there's a wrong answer. A baby is fucking awesome whether you find out the sex now or when it's born!

I can't wait, I'm too excited 😆

whohaa
You can only speak for yourself .
As I said ,it really helped me in my circumstances.
As for the pink/blue comments 😂

I didn’t want to know with either of mine. I really wanted girls, (radical 70’s feminist!) and would have had months to brew resentment if I found in advance that either were boys.

I'm the same (except for the 70's bit!). The v recent birth of DNephew has made me rethink a bit- he's the first boy in our family for 60 years. My desire for a DD is the result of my own biases regarding gender roles and expectations of what my little girl would be like in personality and interests, and that is completely unreasonable on my part! He or she will be their own person and I will have little to no control over it. Once I started thinking about it that way I stopped worrying so much. But I still want to know, dammit!

and would go with all gender neutral colour scheme (which fits my nursery theme anyway)

All colours are gender neutral. Can't stand it when people trot out this nonsense.

I'm opting not to find out. However, if baby does what my nephew did and proudly displays their genitals to the sonographer, I might not get the choice in the matter.

The whole point of me mentioning the pink and blue comments was to point out how stupid it is to assume that blue is for boys and pink is for girls. That there's no point in finding out for the idea that you need to know for decorating purposes. Obviously went over your head!
And that's all any of us are doing, speaking for ourselves. So what's your point? Does your personal anecdote prove a rule? No. My point is just as valid as yours.

@DontdoitDoris was who that was addressed to.

In addition, I know two couples who were told the wrong sex (it's not 100%) and got themselves 'prepared'. They were then presented with the opposite sex once baby was born. They decided they needed to return all their clothes and redecorate their nurseries.

But just to make it obvious, because people's comprehension skills clearly vary here. I'm not saying I felt they needed to redecorate because blue is only for boys and pink is only for girls, or other such nonsense.

I found out with my firs, a girl. (First husband) Amazing when she was born and we announced 'she's here'
Second baby with my now partner I wanted to know and he didn't so I said I wouldn't find out without him, best thing ever! Not knowing was for me much better, announcing 'it's a boy' was so much more exciting in my opinion.
Baby three there was never a doubt we wouldn't find out and we didn't, had a girl but we're convinced it was another boy....an amazing surprise.
Now pregnant with baby 4 (partners 3rd) and there's no way we'll find out. The first thing I say when we walk in the scan room is please don't tell me the sex 😂

I understand some people like to buy pink or blue in preparation and it is a personal decision. The last 2 babies I've just bought enough in white for the first few days, so a coming home outfit, couple of blankets and some baby grows and vests and then once everyone knew what we had we were flooded with pink or blue. The pram was black so suitable for both and things like the Moses basket and larger items I was happy to have greys and whites then used pink or blue blankets.
I also found it fun to go out and buy pink or blue with my baby. Luckily I haven't had complicated births so I've been back up and back to normal by the next day so went off shopping with my lovely newborn all proud 💙💗

In Wales they tell you for free at the 20 week scan if you want to know.
I found out with both of mine as I'm quite an anxious and organised person and after I was told both times I was in shock for a week after. I definitely wouldn't want to deal with that shock, plus being sleep deprived and looking after a newborn!

@whohaa
If the sex is based on the scan alone, then no it's not accurate.
if it based on fetal DNA though then it is over 99% reliable and more and more people are opting for NIPT and it will eventually be available to all on the NHS.
Still optional obviously, but we wanted the chromosomal abnormalities linked to Sex chromosome e.g Turners, Fragile X to be reported as well as the trisomys.

I found out and am so relieved. I had a really horrible labour with an emergency section and was so out of it I wouldn’t have taken anything in if I’d found out then and there. Also my labour was made just about bearable by knowing g I was going to meet my daughter and what her name was.