Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant and father doesn’t want the baby

42 replies

Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 00:09

Hi, I’m currently 11 weeks pregnant. This has come as a shock to me and my partner as we are in a new relationship (6 months) and were not trying for a baby. Since I’ve been pregnant he has made it clear that if I want this baby then I will be doing it on my own as he isn’t ready for another child. He already has a child from a previous relationship which he does have contact with. He has said if I choose abortion then we can carry on our relationship as ‘normal’. I was trying to prepare myself mentally to be doing this alone but I’m not sure if I can. I can see his point of view (money, timing) but I am the one going through this and I just don’t know if I can live with myself if I get an abortion. I have booked an appointment at a clinic to talk about it and he has been very supportive of that. As time is going by I am feeling more and more worried and anxious and not sure what to do. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Family and friends tell me when he sees the baby he will feel differently but I can’t hope that’s the case if he is telling me he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby. I feel like I have to choose between him or the baby.

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 21/03/2019 00:17

I think you have to go with your heart. When you say you weren't trying for a baby then I guess you were using contraception of some sort in order to prevent it? IMO he is jointly responsible for that...
It must be such a difficult time for you. Do you have supportive friends and family? It sounds like you do. They will be of great help right now 💐

Hellywelly10 · 21/03/2019 00:24

Do you live with him op?

Original poster
Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 00:34

Hello, yes I was on the pill and was sick so it didn’t work. I was so set on keeping the baby and just getting my head around it all when he told me that he can’t do this if I choose to keep the baby. My family and friends have been great but are really worried about me. Thet have told me they feel like he is making me get an abortion. I really value our relationship but I’m finding it hard to see where he is coming from as this baby is a part of him too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 00:36

Hello, yes I basically do live with him. My
Mum is in the process of moving away and I’m afraid that if I choose to keep the baby I will have nowhere to go.

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 21/03/2019 00:48

Perhaps he needs a little time to think about it? It must have come as a shock to you both. Will this be your first baby? How old are you?

I'm 38 and have two sons (8 and 11) but divorced from their dad. I am engaged to a man who is 43 and sadly never had children of his own (he was married for 10 years but they were never blessed with children). I know it is a big sadness in his life. In an ideal world we would try together but a) I'm 38 now and b) We are not financially able to afford another child.

Although things didn't work out with my ex I don't for one second regret having my children when I did. I was a single mummy for four years and yes it was hard, but in another way it also felt liberating-I could do it! My friends and family were an absolute Godsend ☺

Ella1980 · 21/03/2019 00:49

Do you jointly rent/own your home together?

onemoremummy · 21/03/2019 07:28

OP I think this relationship has ended, whatever you decide. How will you be with a man that essentially forced you to have an abortion?

Hellywelly10 · 21/03/2019 08:03

Also can you get any space to think about it. Can you get away for the weekend friends/ family/ collegues anywhere to think about this? Are you saying that your relying on your partner for housing and is this influencing your decesion? Please use counselling support to be as open and honest about the situation.

Ella1980 · 21/03/2019 08:17

@Hellywelly10

Awesome advice.

I have weekly counselling myself after lots of difficult things in my past and it has really, really helped. I'm not ashamed of asking for help one bit and I'd recommend it.

Jackshouse · 21/03/2019 08:22

I agree with pp that your relationship is probably over either way. You have the choice of terminating the pregnancy or going it alone. He ended a relationship to the mother of his previous child so please don’t think he will change his mind about continuing your relationship if/when he sees the baby. Babies are a massive strain on even strong relationships when they were planned.

anniehm · 21/03/2019 08:31

Your relationship is basically over. Your decision is whether you want to bring up your dc as a lone parent most likely without any child support or terminate and find somewhere to live. BUT I'm being pessimistic because I terminated when I was young but went on the marry and have kids with my then boyfriend however he didn't say he would leave me if I kept the baby.

fanfan18 · 21/03/2019 08:34

Oh I really feel for you, what a difficult situation. As others have said you have to go with how you feel.

BUT, from what someone you know said "once he see's the baby he will feel differently". I've had a couple of friends over the years who have had babies with guys that were unplanned / early in a relationship and the men haven't changed once they're born. In fact it was more difficult for the new mums because the guys didn't give a toss.

Hollowvictory · 21/03/2019 08:35

The relationship is over but you obv want the baby or you would have chosen more effective contraception or double up or get the map or whatever. So go it alone.

Frizzy1986 · 21/03/2019 08:35

I think you really need to give yourself time to think about it.
Should you decide to keep the baby and things end with him, how would you feel?
Should you abort the baby and things still end with him, how would you feel?
Resentment is a very powerful emotion and the fact that you chose to abort a child because of him could lead to a lot of issues further down the line. It's also a very new relationship and who knows where it would end up even if this hadn't happened.
I am lucky to be in a supportive relationship, but know that even those can very quickly break down and fail, but for me, aborting a child would have to be based solely on my own values and opinion as its happening to me and I'd be the one who would have to live with the decision so I wouldn't want it to be marred by someone else regardless of who they were.
I'd suggest getting as much support as you can and maybe speak to some professionals to help you clarify what it is you want to do. Xx

Original poster
Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 09:01

@Ella1980

I’m 27 and I’ve never been pregnant before. When we originally found out we were both very shocked and even I was confused for a while as it’s a scary thing to do, but I feel like Ive had time to accept it and he’s gone the other way. He has a really good job and can be away for work and also work late. This is one of this reasons for not wanting the child as he feels like he can’t be there as much as he would want to be. When I see him with his child he already has he is such a good dad which makes me even more upset that he doesn’t want this baby.

My friends and family have been really supportive but I feel like I’m the one that’s going to be doing this alone 99% of the time and I’m not sure if I can handle that right now. I always assumed when I was to get pregnant that it wouldn’t be an accident and the father would be supportive of my choice.

I currently live with him so I don’t even know how it would work if I decide to keep the baby, I guess he would tell me it’s over and me move out? It all seems so crazy to me as he is such a good caring person. I don’t know why he is so against a baby that is his blood :(

Thank you for your advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 09:04

@onemoremummy

A lot of my friends and family have said the same thing. Sometimes I feel that he feels that this is a great situation for me. I have said to him so many times that this situation is not ideal for me either but you have to just deal with what life brings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 09:10

@Hellywelly10

I can stay with family for the weekend but when I do go there I have everyone asking me questions which I feel makes me more anxious and confused. I know they are just worried about me but I find it hard to deal with which is why I tend to stay at home with my partner.

I do feel like in a way I am relying on him. I could stay with family but they don’t have the room for me really let alone a child. I will speak to a GP about counselling, when I went there to tell them I was pregnant and considering abortion the doctor gave me a disgusted look and made me feel even worse which makes me feel worried about going back there again!

OP posts:
Raisinbrain · 21/03/2019 09:17

I was in a similar-ish situation when I got pregnant with DS1 except my relationship was more casual. My boyfriend said he would never speak to me again if I kept the baby and he was true to his word.
Having my DS was the best thing that I ever did.

Original poster
Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 09:24

@Jackshouse

After being in a previous relationship for 5 years and to find out I was being cheated on half the time. Once I met him I knew he was different and a good guy. This is why I’m finding it so hard to choose as this is so out of character for him. You are right they are a massive strain, I feel like I need to be more selfish about this and stop considering his opinion over mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 09:29

@anniehm

I think it’s having the confidence to go with a decision and stick with it as I know either way it’s going to have a massive impact on my life instantly. We have spoken about having kids in the future as that was a massive concern to me if I was to proceed with abortion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 09:32

@fanfan18

Thank you for your message.

That’s is my concern as it’s all good and well my family telling me that it will all be fine once baby is here but I’m just trying to be realistic about the situation aswell as I’m the one who’s life it will affect. After having such an amazing dad in my life I feel upset thinking about my child not having that :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Stacey922 · 21/03/2019 09:34

@Hollowvictory

I have been on the pill now for years and have never fallen pregnant before so I always thought it was an effective form of contraception for me.

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 21/03/2019 09:35

I agree with pp that your relationship is probably over either way. You have the choice of terminating the pregnancy or going it alone

Just to point out that the OP has a third choice, which is placing the child for adoption . It’s not easy ( neither is being a single mum or having an abortion). But it’s still a choice.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 21/03/2019 09:39

Have the baby if you’re prepared to be a single mom op I speak from experience pregnant in a new relationship it ended after his first birthday it was extremely hard and halted my career.

Adversecamber22 · 21/03/2019 09:40

My DH works away and was abroad in Asia for just over two months on and off the year DS was born. We live 250 miles away from family and I was back at work FT when DS was nine months old. He is just looking for reasons to influence your decision whilst giving himself an excuse.

Give this decision the headspace it deserves concerning your feelings only, not him. It is irrelevant how he feels as he has been very plain that he does not want a child. Mine and my contempories dc are now teenagers and early twenties. I had a relative and a close friend get pg with men that catergorically didn’t want dc. Those men have nothing to do with their dc plus no financial assistance. Those men have been true to their word for two decades. I’m sorry I can’t see him having a change of heart.