Pregnant and father doesn’t want the baby

[Stacey922]

Hi, I’m currently 11 weeks pregnant. This has come as a shock to me and my partner as we are in a new relationship (6 months) and were not trying for a baby. Since I’ve been pregnant he has made it clear that if I want this baby then I will be doing it on my own as he isn’t ready for another child. He already has a child from a previous relationship which he does have contact with. He has said if I choose abortion then we can carry on our relationship as ‘normal’. I was trying to prepare myself mentally to be doing this alone but I’m not sure if I can. I can see his point of view (money, timing) but I am the one going through this and I just don’t know if I can live with myself if I get an abortion. I have booked an appointment at a clinic to talk about it and he has been very supportive of that. As time is going by I am feeling more and more worried and anxious and not sure what to do. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Family and friends tell me when he sees the baby he will feel differently but I can’t hope that’s the case if he is telling me he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby. I feel like I have to choose between him or the baby.

He already has a child from a previous relationship which he does have contact with.

There you go - so he means what he says and everyone saying when he sees the baby he will feel differently is wrong.

Only you can decide if continuing with this pregnancy is what you want. Many women do manage and are glad they made that decision, but many others who have terminated are equally glad. Ultimately, having this baby will change your life FAR more than not having it. Personally, I wouldn't want to stay with someone who is so feckless (and tbh I wouldn't want to have a baby with him either), but you need to think long and hard about whether you are ready - and by that I mean financially and emotionally - to have a baby on your own. That is what you're facing. So is that what you want? Terminating isn't anyone's dream ending, but it can be the best one when your options are rubbish.

@Frizzy1986

I feel as I’m 11 weeks that I don’t want to drag it out too long as if I was to go ahead with an abortion I would feel even worse.

The thought of our relationship ending does upset me but then on the other side I have to think how I will feel if I decide to get an abortion. I know there is a high chance I will resent him and it will end anyway. I just never thought I would be in this position and when family and friends assume that it’s a straight forward decision (keep baby) I feel like I’m a bad person for even considering the other option.

It has to be your decision. Whatever is best for you. I was 17 when I fell pregnant with my DD....I’d only been with her dad for 3 weeks and fell pregnant the first (and only) time we ever slept together. I was set to be going to uni etc and had a big decision to make. He told me to “get rid of it” and all my family and his agreed. I had an appointment booked for the termination and on that morning I couldn’t go through with it...something told me it was meant to be. Once I’d decided to keep the baby my family were very supportive. I had my DD and I did it all on my own, scary yes, worth it? More than I could ever explain. At 19 years old my DD is the most wonderful woman I know, she’s at uni and has grown in to a loyal, beautiful, funny, caring, intelligent young lady and I adore her, as do all my family.
So you decide what’s best for you. If the time isn’t right there’s no shame in that. If the time is right just for you, that’s fine too. Good luck xx

We are all good guys till situations arise and then peoples true colours surface. Plus only six months in is all honeymoon period and it takes a lot longer to know someone truly.

It’s not selfish to consider yourself op, it’s your life.

Can you afford to support yourself financially?

Hi @Stacey922, I was in a similar situation. My partner and I were engaged and had been together seven years (I was 28) and had moved overseas to work, save money to come back to the UK and buy a house, have a family etc. He gave me the same ultimatum: have a termination or I'm off. I agonised for a couple of weeks (I was only six weeks) but in my heart I knew that I had to keep her. He was hideous throughout. He had email passwords like "miscarry" and "losethekid" and has never contributed a single penny towards her (she is 21 now). I intended to move back to the UK but my staunchly middle class parents weren't keen on that!! I wouldn't change a thing. DD is wonderful and we have a great relationship. Oddly enough her father got in contact with her when she was 20 (he lives in the US with wife and children) and asked if she'd like to meet up. I said it was entirely her decision. She said no, on the grounds that it would be like meeting some distant uncle she had never met before.

It's entirely your choice. All I can say is that I knew instinctively that I wanted this baby. I did have a termination when DD was three (different man) so I understand both choices. Do what seems best for you at this time.

This situation is so far from ideal too - you've only been with him for six months, you'll be homeless if you go ahead with the pregnancy, you're not married, you have no security. Having a baby is so fucking hard. MN can really tell it like it is at times, but at others (particularly on 'what should I do?' pregnancy threads), there is this tendency to brush over all the hard times and say 'My DD is the love of my life, the best thing I ever did', etc, without being honest about how fucking hard it is to be a parent a lot of the time - particularly one whose DP has already said he's going to dump her if she continues with the pregnancy. OP do you have savings? A good job that you could support yourself and your DC with? What is your work maternity cover like? Will you qualify for SMP? It's all very well saying that you couldn't live with yourself if you terminated, but you have no idea how incredibly hard your life could be on your own with a baby who is 100% dependent on you. It's not all hearts and flowers. You need to use your head, not just your heart.

I became a single mum suddenly when my boys were 3 and 6. I left an abusive marriage with literally just the clothes on my back. To quote JK Rowling who said something along the lines of "I am prouder of my years as a single parent than of any other time in my life."

My two boys were very much planned as I thought my whole life was-meet man, get married, have children etc... It didn't turn out that way.

The last words he said before I left were "I'll leave you penniless, b**ch." He was true to his word and I also lost my boys for half of the time. We remain in a rented two-bed five years on whilst he remains in the five-bed executive family home.

But my kids are happy. I have a fiance who loves me. I have freedom. My life isn't how I planned, far from it. It has been so tough at times it's untrue. Every day I am so very grateful for my children, even more so because I only have them for half of the time.

Anything is possible if you find your inner strength I promise ☺

Oh OP 😞💐

I’m your age and have a friend who was recently in a VERY similar situation and it’s awful. I’ll give you the same advice I gave her;

You can’t make his want this baby - it’s horrible and MN will get really ballsy and hate on how awful he is! But he’s allows an opinion and it’s the same as if you didn’t want it and he was trying to force you to keep it! Only, ofc it’s your body so you hold the cards and ultimately make the decision. But whilst he will have to LIVE with whatever decision you make, he will not have to WANT it and will NOT have to provide for/support you through the pregnancy! (He’s only obliged to support the child after it’s here) You need to come to terms with that quickly!

If he’s already a good father, the chances are he will be an equally good father to this child, but that DOESNT mean he wants to parent with you, as a family unit and whilst people will come out of the woodwork to tell you how their cousins dog sitters partner didn’t want their baby at first but now adores it and they’re super happy- that is the exception to the rule! You can’t make decisions/operate on anything other than what he’s telling you right now and honestly it doesn’t sound good, does it?

If you have this baby, and he doesn’t come around, and he still doesn’t want to be with you in a relationship- can you cope? Can you manage with only the legal minimum support from him?

I could never have an abortion - but It’s a personal choice everyone needs to make for themselves and there’s no right or wrong. But I do think that coming on MN to ask for advice on whether to get one is a bit like going on a pro anorexia site to ask if you’re fat! You’ll get bias answers (even with best intentions) as this site is with mothers/parents and people who like children (in general-not all obviously!)

The only person who can make the decision is you, it’s horrific to end a pregnancy that you want, but it’s equally selfish to have a child you’re completely unable to care/provide for (not saying that’s the case in your situation).

I also think that as society ‘modernises’ it’s becoming less and less respected that it’s a ‘woman’s right to choose’ which is grotesque but still, men are starting to believe that ‘equality’ means they should have an influence on matters like abortion and I’m hearing more and more of men pressuring women into getting abortions as though they were haircuts! 🤢

*apoligies for typos, typing and walking

OP-would you be OK financially? Are you currently in work? x

OP, you are only 27. You have lots of fertile years left, in which to meet a much more loving partner and have children with someone who will be a good father and role model.
Do you really want this selfish man’s baby instead? Are you seeing this as your only chance of motherhood? Do you want to spend the next 18 years as a struggling single parent?
Leave this man out of the equation, and think about your own choices, the reasons behind them, and what you want or can cope with.
Personally, I’d dump him whether I kept the child or not. Anyone who callously tells you that your relationship will “carry on as normal” once you’ve conveniently aborted your baby is a selfish shit who is simply using you.

OP are you working? You say you live with him but you’ve only been dating for 6 months?????

Also it is not just your responsibility- if he didn’t want another child he could have had a vasectomy. I’m sorry to say it but he just doesn’t want one with you. I agree with others, the relationship is over whatever you decide.

However, at 11 weeks and with no support, I would seriously consider abortion but only if you feel you do not want to be a homeless single mother. You should end it with him regardless if your decision on the pregnancy.

Can you get counselling from a pregnancy advice clinic?

I was a single mum for four years and it was very hard but not impossible. My kids were far better off me not living with their dad as he had zero respect for me. I am proud of my single years not ashamed of them 😊

OP, it sounds like deep down you want this baby. You’re 27, you have family and friends, you can do this. Whether the father will be involved or not you can not control, but things happen in life and sometimes they turn out to be a good thing even when we don’t expect it!

The thing you have to really consider is that your relationship won’t carry on as normal. You will possibly end up resenting him. For him the relationship will carry on as normal, not for you.

Also, if that is his view, then after an abortion you may not get much support. After all, things have gone back to normal for him. So emotionally he may not be there for you.

Sorry you are going through this, it really is a hard decision isn’t it!

I recently had an abortion for different reasons as I fell pregnant with my ex who was emotionally abusive/avoidant and I was unfortunately not in the position to financially or emotionally be a single mother neither did I want to be connected to this man for life.

I do think if you feel you are being forced into having an abortion for him then you might deeply regret your choice. You will probably end up resent him after and the relationship will be over once you get to that point so you will be facing a double loss.

I was just over 11 weeks pregnant when I had the procedure and emotionally it has really broken me (although not everyone feels like this, and that’s ok), I don’t think I was prepared for how sad and empty I would feel after and although I do not regret the decision as I really felt I had no choice I really do wish I would have been in a stronger position myself to say screw him and just done it as a single mum.

This has to be your choice, for you and your life as the relationship will not last after this. You never know he could come round to the idea after a while, but give yourself some time to really think what you want and consider how you will feel after.