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Original poster

having a 3rd baby - parents and inlaws unenthusiastic :(

38 replies

shrub · 09/09/2004 09:09

we've just announced we are having a very much wanted third baby. when my dh and i told our parents they didn't even say congratulations. they were great when we announced the first two. the first question from both: was it planned? why would you want another baby? they think we are being extravagent - where is it going to go? how are you going to cope? more expense etc. its such a special time and they sort of squashed the happiness right out of us - has anyone had this when they told people about having a 3rd?

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pesme · 09/09/2004 09:16

I had this abit from the mil with my first (we aren't married). They have since come round but it was really unpleasant adn I know exactly what you mean about squashing the happiness. Forget it and concentrate on your growning family. In the words of my brother on occassions such as this F*ck 'em (he isn't exactly a poet but such occassion call for such expletives). Congrats, I really want 3 but no. 1 is only 8 months so I have a wee bit to go yet.

Bibiboo · 09/09/2004 09:18

Sorry to hear that Shrub, that's not very supportive of them. In laws are a bit like toddlers sometimes and can only think from their own perspective

Forget their comments and focus on how happy you and your dh are - they'll come round when they realise it's another gradnchild for them to love. In the meantime, enjoy your third pregnancy.

hewlettsdaughter · 09/09/2004 09:20

Sorry, haven't been in your position but CONGRATULATIONS shrub!

beansprout · 09/09/2004 09:22

Shrub - congratulations!! We think it's fantastic news! 2 friends of mine have both had their 3rd child in the last week and when they announced their pregs had a smiliar response to you. I think that at the end of the day, it's a real shame if these relatives can't share in your happiness. Please, please don't let them spoil anything for you. As someone used to say to me "worry about the ones that do care, not the ones that don't".

For a mixture of reasons, dp's entire family are not very interested in our baby (due in 4 weeks) but we are happy, and that's the main thing.

When are you due?!!

posyhairdresser · 09/09/2004 09:28

The "correct" number of children in many people's eyes seems to be 2. No more and no less. Deviate in either direction from this exact number of children and some people will comment on this....

Try and ignore it - it's very ignorant. IMHO if the parents are happy whether it's the third or the seventh then it's absolutely wondeful news!

aloha · 09/09/2004 09:29

Congratulations!
They'll come round once the surprise has worn off - don't give it another moment's thought and enjoy yourselves.

Tessiebear · 09/09/2004 09:34

I get a bad reaction from everyone involved whenever i mention the prospect of having a third! - in my parents day NOONE had more than 2, it was either an accident or the mother being selfish wanting another baby. I think it is a really , really good thing for a child to have more than one sibling CONGRATULATIONS!

throckenholt · 09/09/2004 09:43

Congratulations.

I think it is a fairly common reaction. I think people perceive 2 as the normal family now and assume you have finished. They react badly because they think it will be too hard for everyone. It usually isn't - although the logistics can be more tricky.

Usually they come round - particularly if you talk things through with them and show them you are really happy and confident with your choice.

Original poster
shrub · 09/09/2004 09:43

oh thank you for your lovely replies. its just so nice to see the word congratulations and bibiboo - love your toddler analogy
beansprout - i'm 7 weeks pregnant today and baby will be due april 28. sorry to hear you are in a similar positition with your dp's parents. its just so bloomin' inconsiderate - they could at least feign happiness for us!! i'm an only child and its times like this that i need a brother or sister i could contact for someone to be happy for us- hence one of my reasons for wanting a large family - whatever 'large' means these days. they are daily mail/express readers and i'm sorry to anyone out there that enjoys them but i feel it poisons their minds - none of them go out the door for at least 2 hours until they've read every word of evil, fear, doom and gloom. rant rant rant i'm not making any sense now am i? well one of the benefits of pregnancy i suppose - quite liberating. inlaws are coming on sunday for a meal, maybe i should hire a clown and a bouncy castle to help them celebrate the good news with me....

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jellyhead · 09/09/2004 10:09

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Gem13 · 09/09/2004 10:21

Congratulations! I think 3 sounds great. I only have 2 but as I have a DS and a DD a lot of people think that should be it. We shall see...

I'm sure yours will come round. In the meantime enjoy your pregnancy.

Angeliz · 09/09/2004 10:30

Congratulations shrub

Don't let it bother you, (easier said than done i know).
Hope you get those happy vibes back.

Titania · 09/09/2004 10:38

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

I know exactly how you feel......my family werent happy about me being pregnant with ds1 or dd.......all i got was......but why? you've already got one of each! how can you have a mistake like that?! i hated it......if i have another baby, then i am dreading telling everyone, especially my nan, even though she says i am doing a brilliant job and got a good head on my shoulders and could cope with 20 kids!

Original poster
shrub · 09/09/2004 10:51

jellyhead - so sad that it took for your father's death for your family to see the bigger picture. but very happy to hear on your new arrival. my best friend at college died 6 years ago and she had 3 sisters - i was in awe of how they all came together and supported her and each other. i would like to think my children when they've grown up would be there for each other long after i've gone. i sometimes feel my parents were selfish for having one - it leaves you very self reliant but not something i would have chosen, now its the norm. i know its completely sentimental but i would like to feel a tiny bit cherished rather than a liability iykwim.its so good just to say all this really and then like you all say just move forwards and enjoy.

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nutcracker · 09/09/2004 10:53

Yeah my parents weren't pleased when i told them i was expecting our 3rd.

It did upset me quite a bit but then i just thought 'sod it' i'm having it and tough.

My dad was overjoyed when Ds was born as he wanted a grandson.

tabitha · 09/09/2004 10:55

Hello Shrub and Congratulations

I got the exact same response from my mum when I had no 3 - don't for the life of me know why, especially as she had four kids. She made me feel as though I was doing something 'wrong' or 'silly' and not surprisingly I was very upset. So much so that I dreaded telling her that I was expecting no 4 last year. Much to my surprise I got a much more positive response - work that one out!
Also, when I had no 3 everyone but everyone asked whether it was 'planned'. Funnily enough he was the only one of the four of them that was planned
Personally I think having 3 or 4 kids is great, if exhausting, and for what it's worth no3 was the easiest pregnancy, birth and baby.

jampot · 09/09/2004 11:08

congratulations I only wanted and have 2 so haven't experienced the "mum of 3" situation. As far as I can see it's no one's business but yours (&dh) Is it worth asking them why they're not happy? I don;t want a 3rd but would love to see the look on my MIL's face if i did choose to.

beansprout · 09/09/2004 11:28

Shrub - am happy to come 'round and jump on your bouncy castle at the weekend? Perhaps the sight of several heavily preg. women doing the same might buck up the in-laws a bit?

Seriously, you say you are 7 weeks. I told my mum at 8 weeks but she then spent a really anxious few weeks waiting for me to get to the "safe" zone of 12+ weeks. In their day you just didn't announce to anyone until then and I really think that a lot of people in that generation just feel the same. Maybe your in-laws are just wary at the moment? Not trying to defend them but HTH.

pamina3 · 09/09/2004 13:44

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edam · 09/09/2004 14:01

Congratulations I'm one of three and it's fab. Really love having two sisters.

Slinky · 09/09/2004 14:12

Congratulations!

Having 3 is fab! I've got 3 - 2 girls (almost 9 and 5) and a boy (almost 7). When we announced the pregnancy, the comments varied from "why do you want another one? You've got one of each", "was it planned?" and the classic "well, you can't have 3 - it's an odd number" - also not forgetting "awww, poor No 2 child - they'll suffer from Middle Child Syndrome".

As for coping, you just do - I found it more of a shock having No 1. I didn't find it any more expensive as I had everything I needed from the other 2 kids.

I love being a "mummy of 3" and thoroughly recommend it. Hope you have an enjoyable pregnancy and stuff what anyone else thinks

Original poster
shrub · 09/09/2004 14:19

beansprout- you can come bouncing any old timeknow what you mean about the 12 week thing - i just don't think i could have kept it secret for all that time, they don't scan down here until 20 weeks and i wanted to share our happiness.
pamina3 - so sorry to hear you lost your baby and the fact that you couldn't at that time turn to your mum. its so strange how they think they have a say in this. my mum is one of 6 though she only had me - i really don't understand where she is coming from as she is constantly in contact with her brothers and sisters. there have been lots of things i can't share with my mum as she is a recovering alcoholic - any slight event, something she reads or wrong word can have her turning to drink but it leaves you having to tread very carefully. families can be so weird...

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Original poster
shrub · 09/09/2004 14:24

edam and slinky - thank you for reassuring me - i shall have my witty answers ready when the inlaws come on sunday

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cartrefle · 09/09/2004 14:32

Congratulations on your news. We had twins as numbers 3&4 - NOT planned!! My mum says she's emigrating if we have any more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say she loves all to bits.

KateandtheGirls · 09/09/2004 14:34

Congratulations shrub. Why should you only have 2 children? If you guys want and can care for a third (which is obviously the case) then it's great that you're having another.

My mother-in-law was dissapointed that we were having a 2nd. I can't understand it to this day, more than 3 years after we told her. When we told her, her face fell, and the first thing she said was "I just got my Christmas tree skirt embroidered with all the grandkids' names." (There were 8 of them at the time.) "Now I'll have to take it back again." Then she realised what she was doing, and hugged me and my husband and said "oh, that's great". I was fuming.

She had 5 children of her own, so does she expect her children all just to produce only one child so that she doesn't have too many grandchildren? And it was never a secret that we planning to have more than one child.

Now, of course, she loves my youngest every bit as much as her other grandchildren. In fact, even before she was born she did. My husband died when I was 11 weeks pregnant and my MIL was extremely concerned and worried about how the stress would affect the baby.

So I'm sure that once the shock wears off (not that there shoud have been any shock), the grandparents will be as thrilled as you are, but it sure does hurt when they aren't as enthusiastic as you'd hope at first.