To NOT take maternity leave.. WWYD?

[Mol5]

Bare with me..

I work from home 24/7 but I am not self-employed.
I work for a USA based company and I have a home office in the UK.
I am an employee and would qualify for mat pay from the company if I chose it but I am the high earner in our household and we would be really effected by the reduction/loss of my wage.

So I am debating whether or not I need to actually take maternity leave. Obviously I am expecting to have a few weeks scheduled off work but no more than maybe 4-6 weeks then return to work 'full time', from my at home office.

Instead I've suggested my husband to take shared parental leave and give him the chance to be at home with me and DC1 for the first few months.

I've mentioned this to a couple of friends and family and they seem to be mortified at the idea, but I don't really see a negative difference to me being at home not working on mat pay, or me being at home with a laptop open answering emails intermittently and getting paid a full wage..

This will be our first baby so I guess I might be being very naive in what I will need to do.

WWYD? Any advice?

Thanks!

This wouldn’t work for me. I just wouldn’t be able to work with my baby in the house near me. He literally takes up all the space in my brain and if he was near me I know I would struggle to work. When he cries, if my husband is dealing with him, I have to fight the urge not to intervene and in the early days it was hard not to snatch him away from my husband. It’s very primal - the need to comfort him myself - although, I fight it as much as possible to avoid undermining my husband who is a wonderful father. I would probably be able to work, if I had to, if my baby wasn’t in the house or I was working elsewhere as I would be able to focus better.

Where can I apply?

"wonder if some of responses here would have been the same as they are if this situation was vice versa."

How do you mean?

"Do you mean if the sexes were reversed? I'm all for equality between the sexes, but this is one scenario where men and women just are different due to biology" this!

"You will be fine, people make out that looking after a baby is really hard, its really not." Its wrong to assume just because it was easy for you its easy for everyone! That comment is actually offensive and rude to those mothers for whom it WAS hard for whatever reason!

Have you even any experience looking after any but your own child? Because honestly based on that post it sounds like

A you've only the one child and no experience of looking after others at this age. Not all babies are the same.

B you've had a SCHEDULED c section which I suspect went as well as possible and thus no experience of a complicated/traumatic vaginal birth or emergency section, which can cause longer recovery time at the very least.

C it doesn't sound as if you're experiencing pnd or other long term issues following your child's birth

Frankly you come across as smug and ignorant and to advise op from that perspective is not particularly sensible.

Op MAY have an easy birth, no postnatal complications, an easy baby...its just as possible she won't and adding more pressure when op/baby is even just overtired is not helpful.

I think far more sensible to hope for the best but prepare for it NOT being plain sailing.

"if you are already a capable competent person" yea cos "capable competent" people NEVER get pnd, or a baby with sleep issues or reflux or tongue tie 🙄

No a v young baby doesn't need to be in your arms 24/7 but they do need 24/7 awareness, I don't know any mother who can ignore their baby when they wake at night!

There's also mum's recovery and care needs

There's also whether the father will genuinely step up and not only care for the baby directly but do all the laundry (tons with a newborn), if op isn't breastfeeding (and that can take at least 6 weeks of focused concentration to establish properly) then there's bottles to wash & sterilise & make up, there's nappy changes, there's soothing, there's wind & teething to deal with, midwife/hv/Drs appointments when necessary, encouraging child development (speech, movement etc) there's general housework to be kept on top of...

I know very few men that prior to becoming fathers that had the first clue just how much was involved and not many more that were willing/able to step up in this way once baby was born.

Op how is dh NOW with division of labour in the house (be honest with yourself if not with us) very few men do half the housework and half the mental load. And frankly if he doesn't do it now he's not going to magically change after baby born.

What is your maternity pay package?

Your posts worry me.
Yes u seem to think that you will ‘be there do ethey baby and not miss anything’.
I think that’s unrealistic. You WILL miss stuff because your work will have to come first. Yu will ahve to stay in that call even though you can hear your baby crying in the background. You will miss the first time he/she will be smiling/crawling/grabbing a toy. Yes unwell becquse, even though younwill be at home, you will have no choice but to concentrate on your work.
You will have to give the responsibility to look afetr the baby FULLY to your DH. And be there on the side lines.

What is worrying for me is that I dintbthink you are ready to give up the role of the mother who is there for her dc all the time. It feels like you see the father as a support to you looking after the baby whilst working. Not as him looking afetr the baby and being fully responsible during working hours whilst you get in with your job.
Which is what will happen because, with a job at that level, you won’t have the choice unless you are also ready to drop a lot of balls.

I see no issue at all with the father being at home to look after the baby and taking full responsibility whilst you are back at work full time.
I’m concerned you aren’t ready for that to happen and will be even less ready when you will have spent 4~6 weeks looking after said baby in your own and will have to relinquish the care and be the one who is ‘spare’.

Was in not dissimilar situation and went back after 6 weeks with DC1 and was fine. Never felt I missed out, was very part time when I initially went back. DH enjoyed leave.
Second DC I took longer (was at different company) but still very short compared to some, again DH was off any actually got a very good promotion while on leave!

I work for myself, it’s possible but expect things to take longer. I can bf and send emails. In fact I can do lots of things and send emails.

It is a long way from ideal though.

Sounds like a good plan that should work for you both.

Actually that's a good question - and no, I wouldn't change things in hindsight. I'm delighted we did SPL - it has massively improved the relationships between all three of us - and I wouldn't swap the extra time I've spent with DS by working at home for anything. I guess I would maybe have been more disciplined with myself - but that's always easy to say in hindsight!

So actually, reflecting on it, maybe I would recommend it!

It's feasible if you have to, as long as your partner steps up, but do you really want to? It sounds like you want to spend time with your baby, hovering in the background and dipping in and out while your partner does the main carer role. I don't think that will work.

Feeding a baby is more than just shoving a bottle or boob in their mouth. I don’t know how to explain but basically you will need both hands and won’t be able to email (although you might- once you’ve perfected your skill- be able to eat a sandwich intermittently). If your husband is dedicated to being a full time carer for the baby then it’s not an issue. Nevertheless, just for your sanity I’d recommend waiting 3 months at the minimum before going back to work- get out of that newborn phase first and things will be a little more settled then for you and baby.

My friend is in a similar situation to you, however I think her baby went to nursery at 6 weeks. I do work from home but know my productivity falls through the floor when dc are home and any phone calls are frankly risky as kids interrupt/ argue constantly. With a young baby I couldn't have concentrated with dh pottering at home and new baby nearby!

I would be at home with baby 24/7 and not missing anything at all, but also Dad is there to help if I need to take a call etc
So your intention is to do as kite actual work as possible and hope work don't notice?

If you're working from home you need to be working. So even if you work 30 minutes then have a 10 minute break surely you still need to do the amount of work they're paying you for.

Sounds like you want to be a SAHP / in maternity but if you have to reply to an email or take a call DH will appear and hold baby for 5 minutes then Diseworth again until the next time you have to do work

If your DH is there full time then I can see this could work. But I think you would need to actually make a daily schedule for you all so you ensure you have the discipline. I never felt very broody or mummy but can't wait to be at home with my baby - and I am one of those work obsessed professional power house people. I would need structure to keep me on task. We only get 3 months leave so I think a lot of people in the UK don't understand how some people have no choice but to go back to work soon after. What is it that your friends have a problem with?

He is senior enough to manage his own diary to a certain extent, so can hold the baby while I wee/make lunch/have a break. It works well for usbut it sounds like he's happy to focus on work, but lend a hand when needed. Op thinks she can be with baby full time and miss nothing. It isn't quite the same.

if you are already a capable competent person yeah every one who has a poorly baby, a refluxy baby, a crap sleeper, a velcro baby - they all just weren't good enough to start with

I think it is do-able. A few thoughts.

1. I would definitely plan to take 6 weeks completely off, that part is the most “arrrrgh!”

1. Personally I would probably decide to bottle or mixed feed, otherwise it is very hard to let someone else be the “main” carer.

1. You will need to let DH be in the lead. You need to work. So lots of breaks to say hello and cuddle - yes, but being “in charge” as the main carer - really no. Not fair on DH, work or baby.

I think it is fine because I think men are perfectly capable of doing a great job with babies! And by the way it really helps you longer term with not falling into divided roles of worker vs parent/housework-doer.

You do also need a Plan B in case you or baby are not in great shape, in which case you may of course need longer than 6 weeks.

Good luck!

I did. In hospital 4 days with c section. Came home started working part time on the 5th day. Equal shared care with DP, who did all housework and cooking. That said baby only ate and slept and I do about 2-4 hours work each day.

Oh and we introduced mixed feeding from very beginning starting with 1 bottle per day. It's all worked very well for us thankfully.

The physical bit is what you need to consider
Child 1 literally never ever slept
The crying was relentless
The recovery was ok
Child 2 was a breeze but the physical recovery was brutal
I couldn’t have worked before 6 weeks with either
I breast fed child 2 for over a year due to medical reasons - not expected
None insurmountable but I wouldn’t plan to have less than 12 weeks then if uohwantto yih can
That’s only 5 weeks impact
The rest can be shared...

Hi OP with DC1 I only took 6 weeks and they were EBF plus DH went back to work after 2 weeks. It was hard, stressful and I was so tired but because of my job if I said no to clients they would go elsewhere. My only advice would be make sure whatever you do you don't regret your decision. I don't as it worked out ok but you don't know what kind of baby you will have. Maybe as a concession you could investigate if you can take extra time if you decide to? When DC arrives your priorities will change and if you want more time, is a few weeks enough time for your company to put things in place to cover for you? Best of luck

I think this is very much one of those posts that in a few months when op knows the reality of parenting will look back on and go "wtf was I thinking?"

Many perfect parents BEFORE they actually become parents get a rude awakening when reality hits.

I had the opposite experience, was determined to be a laid back, non routine led mum only to be presented with a baby that CRAVED routine and woe betide me if I messed with it!

I've also seen and talked to many other mothers with very set ideas of how they were going to parent before baby came along

"Baby will just fit into our life/routine they'll just have to adapt"

"They're NEVER having a dummy" only to have a very grizzly refluxy baby for whom they took a long time to discover the best remedy was...a dummy!

"I will never look a mess, the house will stay tidy" (and I've DX OCD and even I struggled in the early weeks!)

You don't know till you know.

Your post reminded me of a friend who has a career that involves clear definites. Even ttc threw her because "I did everything exactly right why aren't I pregnant yet" they'd been ttc for 2 months! Baby went overdue that threw her too, then she was adamant she was going back to her woh job at 6 weeks post partum, baby was going to an excellent nursery full time from the start, bf would be established so she would be pumping enough for baby to be fed expressed milk and work were supportive of her expressing at work...

When it came to the day of her going back to work and baby in nursery she simply. couldn't. do.it.

Baby was absolutely fine, she sat in the car outside the nursery breaking her heart, beating herself up and not knowing what to do.

Eventually she called her boss, who was a father himself and he was completely unsurprised. She worked out a longer mat leave, phased return... Baby eventually went into ft nursery at around 1 year old and she sobbed that day too, but it wasn't nearly as bad and she was able to go to work and she got used to her new routine.

You're not quite a mum yet op, you don't know how you're going to feel, myself and others aren't saying "Google fourth trimester" just in terms of babies needs, but how you're likely to feel too.

Plus putting too much pressure on yourself as a new mum also puts you at more risk of pnd.

The one thing you do need to be as a mum is adaptable.

My boss is doing that although not just from home, she's been spending days with clients too. Her baby is two months old. Her husband stays at home full time for the baby.
I couldn't have done that - I would have found it too hard emotionally and I breastfed but never managed expressing.
I think she bottle fed from the start because that's what worked for her family. I think it's very feminist actually- she has a little girl and it will be great for her to see her mum going out to work, having a fantastic career where she is well recognised for her work. Meanwhile her dad is looking after her doing the domestic stuff. It would probably have the effect of making men in our team feel more comfortable about spl if that's what they want to do, not that that's her responsibility or why she's done it, but a good side benefit.

Timeless19 'You will be fine, people make out that looking after a baby is really hard, its really not.'

Can we just put that into perspective for a second. You also said that you had a scheduled c section, which was a breeze and your baby was very easy, just fed and slept. You were VERY fortunate.

I certainly wouldn't say that was the norm. Personally I had injuries that took 6 months to recovery from, a high maintenance baby and a good old dose of PND to round things off nicely.

OP if you achieve the holy grail of babies then yes, you may be able to continue working from home. If you don't, then you won't. Just play it by ear.

My DH and I split it with my second, so I took 6 months and him 4 months. Worked well for us tho I didn't work from home.

You'll need to prep if you're bf though, don't think you can just feed and DH does the rest as breast feeding can be a real bind and take forever
Do you happen to have a separate office, garden based office etc as it can be quite distracting

I can understand people saying “oh I couldn’t do that because ...” and I probably feel the same way, but that’s because I have the luxury of living in a country where I am able to take up to a year off work to stay at home so can’t imagine voluntarily going back to work after 6 weeks. However, as a PP said, most women in the US get like 6 weeks maternity leave, that’s just the norm and they accept that, so they would probably be really envious of your position OP where you can take 6 weeks and then work from home and have your husband there to take over while you work.

Yes, depending on the birth, recovery, feeding, sleeping patterns, etc. it could be hard, but I think it sounds very doable. Best of luck!