To NOT take maternity leave.. WWYD?

[Mol5]

Bare with me..

I work from home 24/7 but I am not self-employed.
I work for a USA based company and I have a home office in the UK.
I am an employee and would qualify for mat pay from the company if I chose it but I am the high earner in our household and we would be really effected by the reduction/loss of my wage.

So I am debating whether or not I need to actually take maternity leave. Obviously I am expecting to have a few weeks scheduled off work but no more than maybe 4-6 weeks then return to work 'full time', from my at home office.

Instead I've suggested my husband to take shared parental leave and give him the chance to be at home with me and DC1 for the first few months.

I've mentioned this to a couple of friends and family and they seem to be mortified at the idea, but I don't really see a negative difference to me being at home not working on mat pay, or me being at home with a laptop open answering emails intermittently and getting paid a full wage..

This will be our first baby so I guess I might be being very naive in what I will need to do.

WWYD? Any advice?

Thanks!

If you are determined, then you can do it, especially since you will have help.
Since it is your first, you don't know what will happen or how you will feel, so be prepared to be flexible.

Of course can plenty of women do

As a PP has already said maternity leave in the States is only 6 weeks so you’d be in line with what your employers would probably be expecting. If you have DH there to help I can’t see the problem however what’s the plan once his paternity/parental leave is used up?

I’m self-employed and went back to two hours’ work a day when DD was a week old (DH was around for the first month). Two-three hours a day, fully flexible, was realistic for me. More wouldn’t have been. Tbh it was easier then than it is now, 18 months on! Very much depends on circumstances, but not impossible.

You'll still need childcare once your baby gets older. Once they start moving around they need constant supervision (and not just watching from behind a laptop). My friend's son was walking at something like 8 months and he's now 2 and he hasn't stopped since, he is a whirlwind. My youngest didn't walk until he was 18 months but that meant he spent many, many months getting cross wanting to be picked up, then put down again and again. The only thing that saved my sanity was going out to groups. Once they're past the newborn stage they need entertaining.

@ourkidmolly
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2017989-To-wonder-how-the-word-mortified-has-come-to-mean-horrified

Thank you @SherlockSays that's really helpful to hear.

I am self employed and higher earner, we are considering third DC and I will have to go back to work fairly swiftly.

I think you can do it but you may want to structure time for calls, writing, planning, concentrating etc, and ask DH to try be out for those times or go to a quiet space like a library. Babies are distracting/ time wasters and you'll want to be with them. If you want to BF mine both took 8 weeks to get in a routine and stop cluster feeding, plus you don't sleep much so something to consider.

I went back to work when DC2 was four months and worked around her, it was pretty savage but I did it and reaped the rewards as now have a great business that pays well.

essentialhummus I was considering a similar approach myself if I do have another, glad it's worked for you

This was very common before extended leave became common. My DM took 1 week with each of her 4 children. She was self employed and my DF was an alcoholic so there was no real contribution there! My DMIL has 4 - 8 weeks per child. She was s nurse and her DH was a farmer so he minded the DC and she worked nights.

My friend is an obstetrician in the US and had minimal time after each child but her DH stayed home. Her now college going kids are fine.

As long as one of you is there it’s fine.

Sounds great to me
You both get to spend almost a full year at home with the baby. If you think your OH will cope well with housework and baby care then brilliant!

If your DH is up for it, great! Sounds like a job that you can't really be away from for long, especially as American colleagues will also be taking very short leave. Everyone is different but I was fine and although sleep deprived, could have worked very soon after giving birth. And working from home will mean you won't miss out on seeing your baby as often as you want.

Why are your friends mortified/embarrassed for you? Mortification seems a strange reaction?
I think it’s hard to tell whether it’s doable or not without knowing what type of baby you have. DD1, I would have struggled as breastfeeding took basically all of my time (cluster feeder). DD2... not a chance in hell. I was a walking zombie. I now have DC3 who is 9 weeks and could probably manage it (quick and efficient feeder, fairly content, sleeps ok).

You can't work and be there for a baby - you just can't op.

Fond imaginings of dh tending to the baby whilst you sit with the laptop at the other end of the sofa is nonsense. As is feeding the baby whilst you reply to your emails!

The baby will cry, they'll vomit, they'll poo and it will leak. Your dh will ask you to hold the baby whilst he goes for a wee/makes lunch/is desperate for a break. You'll be tired and distracted and not up to scratch and will put your job at risk if you try and juggle it whilst caring for a baby in the same area.

I've been working mostly at home while DH cares for DS for the past three months and I have found it HARD. And he is older - eight months now. Would have been much worse when he was littler. It takes extraordinary self-discipline to concentrate fully on work when the baby is at home and crying, etc. - and I think it's actually worse if you have a v flexible schedule (as I do) because then it's an option to put the work off. It's easier for me on days where I have Skype meetings all day because I have to shut the door and get on with it, no matter what. I was very used to working from home before I had DS and didn't think I had a problem with discipline but to be honest I haven't been doing my full hours the last three months (and feel wracked with guilt about it and stressed about falling behind - I am currently waiting for a big file to download so I can work now, at 9pm on Saturday night!). I am a bit torn because it's been LOVELY seeing so much of DS and DH, and I'll miss them both terribly when DH's SPL ends and he goes back to work and DS starts at the childminder, but it really hasn't been a productive way of working for me.

DH has worked from home for all 3 of our children while I’ve been at home too caring for them and managed fine (had 3 promotions in the 5 years since we had DC1) so why would this be different?
He is senior enough to manage his own diary to a certain extent, so can hold the baby while I wee/make lunch/have a break. It works well for us.

Thank you @NewAccount270219 that's a really interesting insight. In hindsight, do you think you would have done it differently then?

I managed it OP. Pre paternity leave. My DH and I have our own business. DS1 born, in hospital 2 weeks, worked on day I came home. DS2 GA elecsection on Wed, discharged myself Sat, worked Sat afternoon. It can be done. EBF whilst on computer. I worked in evening when DH was home if I couldn't manage it in the day.

Thanks @SoyDora! That's really interesting isn't it.
I wonder if some of responses here would have been the same as they are if this situation was vice versa.

Sounds like a plan, I run my own company and do the full time childcare of my baby. Its not always easy but certainly manageable. If I had someone doing full time childcare too it would be a doddle.

Have a think about feeding, breastfeeding will take a lot of your time if you choose to do it. I still breastfeed and love it at 8 months, but I have friends who formula fed from the start so their partners could do their share of the feeds this might be important when you go back to work.

I had a scheduled c-section so I knew exactly when the baby was coming and had planned to take 4 weeks off. In reality c-section was a breeze and I had a really easy baby who just fed and slept so I was back to work after a week. I wanted to look after my baby so I compressed my work into part time hours, I found when I became a mum my productivity increased dramatically the stuff I can achieve in an hour is incredible!

You will be fine, people make out that looking after a baby is really hard, its really not. Do all your prep now, read all the books, throw money at areas to make your life easier (kit like a sleepyhead, night nanny a couple of nights a week, I didnt do this but a friend did) if you are already a capable competent person and you are focused on a job you will crack on.

Many people will tell you it’s impossible op but it’s really not. It’s amazing what you can do when circumstances mean you have to.
I went back when dd was 3 months so I had a little bit longer off.
Everyone told me I wouldn’t want to leave baby, but it saved my mental health going back to work.
Dd is unaffected, very sociable and an extremely content baby.
Do what’s right for you.

I think some of the posters didn't realise your husband was going to be at home for a few months...
I think it sounds great - better than husband being out at work all the time.

Do you mean if the sexes were reversed? I'm all for equality between the sexes, but this is one scenario where men and women just are different due to biology. A new father working from home won't be recovering from birth or section, or be breastfeeding.

It wouldn't have been possible for me - DD was EBF, I had an EMCS and got a minor wound infection that slowed my recovery, and then got mastitis. Not to mention DD having silent reflux.

Of course, DH did go back to work, and managed to vaguely function, but he wasn't working from home.

I think in order for it to work you would need to FF and DH would need to be fully on board, not just taking the lead during the day, but with night wakings too in the way most women on maternity tend to do.

I work in the US and had 12 weeks maternity leave with each child and then went back part time to start.

For my third child we had a major deal brewing at work and I felt I couldn't leave my team completely alone to manage (I was the manager) so about 2 weeks or so after the birth I started working from home and occasionally went to work with the baby. I then had extended my maternity leave to make up for it.

I regret it. I can't tell you how stressful it was to have to turn around and work on some difficult thing with the baby next to me and all I wanted to do was sleep or just stop. Maybe it would be different if dh was on paternity leave but I was breastfeeding too so I was up at night so not sure how much difference it would have made. I felt it cut into a time that I would never get back. Baby was fine - she was with me all the time, but there were times I cried from the stress of it.

If you have to do it, then you can do it. I was back at work at 12 weeks postpartum myself. But it is very hard to judge how you will feel both physically (for example on my first delivery, I would have been physically unable to work until about 8 weeks post partum) or emotionally.

If you’re intending breastfeeding that’s going to be something like 5 hours, probably more of your time in a 24 hour period feeding day and night. Newborns aren’t able to go longer than about 3 hours between feeds. Day and night. They have no concept of time.

From what you’ve said, I don’t think you have any concept of what it’s like to have a baby. Neither did I btw. It was somewhat of a shock! I struggled to find time to feed myself in the beginning.

I think that sounds ideal, I'm pretty taken aback at the mums saying absolutely not, a baby needs 24/7 attention/entertaining, they do sleep you know, a baby doesn't need to be inyour arms every minute of the day.