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Pregnancy

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Original poster

In law problems - advice please?

42 replies

Yorkymidge · 16/03/2019 00:34

ASK THE FANS

Although i feel harsh doing this, i could really do with some advice. I had my first child 6 weeks ago and i am struggling with the in laws, which i never did before i fell pregnant. When we told my partners parents (who are seperated) that i was pregnant they were both super happy but one of the first things they both said was “i’m not helping you financially” which slightly put a dampener on the celebration. To cut a long story short, our families are of equal wealth and are both hard working-class people so don’t have huge amounts of money to spend. Me and my partner are both only children and part of small families. We are really struggling for money and my family have supported us no end, buying us so many things for the baby and putting money into an account for him. His entire family have given us £20, his mum bought us one outfit and his dad has literally bought us nothing, not even a congratulations card. When shopping, his mum will spot a cute outfit, point it out to me and say “i’m not spending any more money on him”. Now i hate for it to all be about money and it shouldn’t be, but i feel so disappointed in them for my son. They say they can’t afford but they manage to have luxuries for themselves, yet he’s their first and only grandson. My parents are becoming really annoyed with the situation and keep making remarks to me about how they don’t help us out and whenever i try to mention it to my partner he becomes really defensive and it turns into an argument which i don’t want. I feel so stuck in the middle and yet mad for my son. His mum is becoming over bearing and wanting to come over every day, if not then she’s calling and texting us and she keeps giving us boxes and boxes of old tatty torn books and old clothes that i have no where to put that she found from when my partner was a child (these things have holes in and are over 25 years old!) but i feel so harsh saying no. I really don’t know what to do and again i don’t want to seem selfish about money or ungreatful but i’m at my wits end and could really do with some advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yorkymidge · 16/03/2019 00:35

I’ve just realised that i posted this in the wrong forum face palm but any advice would still be appreciated.

Thanks!

OP posts:

Hedgehogblues · 16/03/2019 01:26

Different families have different attitudes to money. They don't have to give you anything

Jackshouse · 16/03/2019 01:29

They don’t have you give you anything. As parents it’s your job to provide for your child.

If you don’t want the old toys/clothes then get your partner to tell them they you don’t need them.

AwdBovril · 16/03/2019 01:44

They don't have to give you anything, you should probably adjust your expectations or you will just be setting yourself up for continual disappointment. Your family members need to realise this too; they are actually being quite unhelpful by continually pointing it out. But, you also don't have to accept the gifts of boxes of tatty old clothes, books & toys from decades ago, either. (My PILs try to do this, it drives me absolutely bananas!) Just tell them, every time, that you don't need it, don't have space for it, already have X toy. You need to be a broken record, just keep repeating it until they get the message. Your DH needs to be completely on the same page with you on this; if they think he's a soft touch they'll just give him the stuff while you're busy / out / distracted / whatever.

I know it's hard. It's taken me years to get this through to my PILs... they have stopped bringing second hand crap, they still bring loads of new stuff. We just send it back as We Don't Have Space. Every single time. Eventually, I think they will realise.

Bambamber · 16/03/2019 01:46

My parents generally don't get anything for my daughter (their first grandchild), and my in laws only occasionally pick up bits if they see something at a car boot sale. Would never even cross my mind for that to be a problem. You can't expect them to provide for your child

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2019 02:33

Your son is a tiny baby and doesn’t know or care. Your MIL might think she’s being kind offering you things she enjoyed when your DP was small. If neither of you want them just say no thank you.

It’s your job to fund your baby, you’re lucky your family are able and have chosen to contribute generously. That’s a bonus, norca requirement.

Of course your partner is getting upset and defensive if you keep pointing out your parents hage given you more than his have. How would you feel if it was the other way round? He can hardly tell them to cough up because you expect them to buy you things can he. It’s also nothing to do with your family so they shouldn’t have or express a view.

If your MIL is coming over more than you’re comfortable with then definitely tackle that but you make it sound like you’d mind less if she showed up with presents, which I’m sure you don’t mean as that would be very off.

Rememberallball · 16/03/2019 07:47

My in laws are unlikely to spend anything on our twins when they arrive and we won’t expect them to; MiL only in one is state pension with top up plus disability benefits; FiL still does some work in his 70’s to supplement his state pension and small occupational pension he receives.

There will be no help from my parents for the simple reason they are both no longer with us.

We know that, if we need/want anything, we will be the ones paying for it so will look prudently - go for a travel system with carry cots rather than buy a travel system and separate Moses baskets; start off with one cot for them both and then buy a second when they get to a size they won’t be able to share comfortably. We will also look at nearly new and preloaded items as well as clothing bundles.

If you don’t expect from other people you can’t be disappointed/feel let down when they don’t have the same priorities as you and don’t want to spend their money on your baby.

FirsttimerNI · 16/03/2019 07:52

I’m really sorry you’re struggling with your in laws. I have to agree with the others in that your in laws are in no way obligated to buy or provide anything for your baby- they did it for their own children and now they’re out the other side so there should never be an expectation that they need to do it all over again. Plus when you get to a certain age you deserve to spend your money on yourself and have your luxuries- we make sacrifices as parents now but I dream of nice holidays as a retired person when my children are self sufficient! It does sound a bit like your mother in law is overstepping wanting to come round every day, and maybe you can talk to your husband about how to manage that. But please don’t allow this to ruin this special time for you, people show their love in different ways and it sounds like your son is surrounded by people who love him which is the most important thing xx

Helsvamp · 16/03/2019 08:07

I thought grandparent would love to help out like buy baby clothes as Joy of Being a grandparent .

multiplemum3 · 16/03/2019 08:20

So you and your husband decided to bring a life into this world then want other people to contribute?

flumpybear · 16/03/2019 08:25

It's a shame you're struggling financially, however, you need to be a grown up and pay your own way. I didn't even think my parents or in laws would buy anything, and mine are quite well off, we get presents for the kids Christmas and birthdays and they put money into their accounts at these times too for their future but that's probably it, bar the odd thing occasionally

I think perhaps your own parents are being really generous that's skewing your view

CaseofEllen · 16/03/2019 08:29

You'll get a lot of criticism for this post OP but I do understand where you're coming from. I don't think you can expect your PILs or your own parents to spend any money on baby but would it be nice of them to? Yes of course. If they can afford it.

I think you have to chalk it up to different strokes for different folks. You can definitely mention to DMIL (or get DP to) that you don't have the room for anymore stuff.

Clankboing · 16/03/2019 08:32

I think OP is more exasperated with the fact that 1) They keep mentioning it and 2) That they don't have the love and desire to even buy a card.

Fairylea · 16/03/2019 08:35

I’m a bit shocked by your post to be honest.

You can’t expect people to buy things for your baby. That’s so grabby!

I thought you were going to say you had a problem with your in laws interfering or not being interested at all... but it’s all about gifts and money.

Crockof · 16/03/2019 08:37

I am shocked at how entitled you are. Maybe the IL have realised that you planned on having a baby that they were going to finance. The fact they said it to you when you announced the pregnancy makes me think they already realised. Sad for your son because your mil won't buy him stuff but appears to want to spend her time with him. Kids want time not flash stuff.

naughtynorm · 16/03/2019 08:39

You'll get a roasting on here op because on mn your parents should kick you out at 18 and never give you any support financial or otherwise again .

I have ils very similar to yours but as well as never wanting to buy anything for their gc they're not bothered about spending much time with them either.

Don't go on at your dh about it, it'll cause friction between you both.

I don't get stressed about it all anymore, I think in the long run the dc will see for themselves who's been bothered about building a relationship with them and who hasn't.

Fortheloveofscience · 16/03/2019 08:42

I am aghast that you seem to believe your parents’ generosity is something you’re entitled to, and your in-laws are being tight-fisted. I’d say your in-laws are normal, and your parents unusually generous. You need to expect to pay for your own child - if family buy treats and presents of course that’s great, but to expect them to contribute for day to day items is a bit odd.

Holidayshopping · 16/03/2019 08:42

I don’t see why you are expecting that they should give you money?! What an odd response from you.

Can you not afford your lifestyle?

Wheredidthebackboobscomefrom · 16/03/2019 08:43

I dont really understand what the issue is. You should'nt really be expecting anything from anyone. You have had a child therefore the child is your responsibility financially or otherwise.

Singlenotsingle · 16/03/2019 08:44

The IL's shouldn't even mention money if they don't want to help out. Everyone seems a bit obsessed, including your own DPS. Why do they even know what the IL's give (or dont give)? The dc are your responsibility, no one else's.

And as others have said, just tell MIL you don't want the old stuff of dp's. It's all out of date and you want to keep up with the times. Neither do you need her daily visits. I'm sure you've got friends of your own age to hangout with. (On the other hand, of course, she might be prepared to help out with childcare or babysitting, so don't upset her!)

Arowana · 16/03/2019 08:45

My parents are much more generous financially than my PILs - it doesn't mean they love them more though. It's up to them how to spend their money!

Sunonthepatio · 16/03/2019 08:47

Get a grip. You chose to have a child, and are owed nothing. They raised theirs.

GinUnicorn · 16/03/2019 08:49

I think maybe tackle each part of this separately.

Coming over too often - maybe suggest a once a week visit (or whatever you like) that you and your DP are both happy with.

Bringing over unwanted bits - just kindly thank them but say you don’t have a lot of room at the moment. I do think second hand clothes can be fine if washed. Maybe you could pick some of the nicer bits out only.

The money thing - unfortunately we can never 100% know anyone’s situation. I think ask your family to stop comparing and just try to put it out of your mind. It is lovely when people are generous but it is not an obligation or a demonstration of how much love they have.

Congratulations on your baby.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/03/2019 08:52

Your inlaws may have been aware that their ds leaned on them for finances so were being clear from the start. This may be more to do with them wanting their ds to step up and take responsibility.
My ds had a baby with his gf as a student. We said we would buy stuff. But he was adamant he was buying everything. He took on quite a horrible job to finance it.
He hasn't always been perfect but his total instinct was to provide for the baby and show he could do it.
I but gc birthday/ Christmas presents but that's it as don't want to be an overbearing GM coming with stuff all the time.
I do keep toys at our house for her visits.
Every family is different and its helpful to accept that. They are doing nothing wrong..well except the tat!!

HotpotLawyer · 16/03/2019 08:54

Stop telling your parents all about it: it sounds as if you are whipping up a feud.

If your parents want to buy stuff and can help: that’s great. That had no bearing on what his parents do.

I would be most pushed iff if my DH gossiped with his DP about how much my family do it do not support.

You say his parents are separated. Divorce takes a massive toll on finances and running two households. They might not have as much disposable as you think.

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