In law problems - advice please?

[Yorkymidge]

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Although i feel harsh doing this, i could really do with some advice. I had my first child 6 weeks ago and i am struggling with the in laws, which i never did before i fell pregnant. When we told my partners parents (who are seperated) that i was pregnant they were both super happy but one of the first things they both said was “i’m not helping you financially” which slightly put a dampener on the celebration. To cut a long story short, our families are of equal wealth and are both hard working-class people so don’t have huge amounts of money to spend. Me and my partner are both only children and part of small families. We are really struggling for money and my family have supported us no end, buying us so many things for the baby and putting money into an account for him. His entire family have given us £20, his mum bought us one outfit and his dad has literally bought us nothing, not even a congratulations card. When shopping, his mum will spot a cute outfit, point it out to me and say “i’m not spending any more money on him”. Now i hate for it to all be about money and it shouldn’t be, but i feel so disappointed in them for my son. They say they can’t afford but they manage to have luxuries for themselves, yet he’s their first and only grandson. My parents are becoming really annoyed with the situation and keep making remarks to me about how they don’t help us out and whenever i try to mention it to my partner he becomes really defensive and it turns into an argument which i don’t want. I feel so stuck in the middle and yet mad for my son. His mum is becoming over bearing and wanting to come over every day, if not then she’s calling and texting us and she keeps giving us boxes and boxes of old tatty torn books and old clothes that i have no where to put that she found from when my partner was a child (these things have holes in and are over 25 years old!) but i feel so harsh saying no. I really don’t know what to do and again i don’t want to seem selfish about money or ungreatful but i’m at my wits end and could really do with some advice.

But do tell his Mum you don’t want all that stuff.

Get your partner to pick out anything he feels sentimentalabout and then dispose of it. (Tell her, or get DH to tell her thatbthat is what is happening)

Wow, if you cant afford to have a child without relying on your parents to 'help out' then don't, I'm not a bitchy mumsnetter but seriously why don't you just appreciate the fact he has grandparents that love him ? My MIL would buy my DD loads of shite in the sales that would fit at the wrong time of year BUT she never bothered with her, never visited and now we don't even speak to her! Its not all about gifts and money!!!

The next time she starts to say ‘I’m not paying for that!’

Interrupt her and say ‘yeah I know! You dont have to keep repeating yourself...

There is a difference of being skint and driving home the fact that this woman clearly enjoys saying she won’t help.

I know grandparents don’t have to spend a single penny on their grandkids or help their kids out - but why the fuck wouldn’t you want to help if you could?

Are you struggling financially for food and necessities?

My parents and in laws have very different approaches to gifts for our children despite having similar incomes. My parents buy a few expensive outfits a year, occasional other treats and buy fun Christmas and birthday presents. My in laws never buy anything except for Christmas and birthdays and then it is often more useful than fun. Both approaches are valid and it is entirely their choice. I think you need to stop discussing this with your parents - it isn't good for your relationship with your partner if you are bitching about his parents behind his back.

People love in different ways. Done people want to loved by receiving gifts, some by people doing things, others physically etc. You often love people in the way you would like to be loved, so perhaps your family are givers. Whilst I like the odd present I would feel uncomfortable with people showering me (my child) with gifts but feel really loved when someone does something for me.

Just because your in laws love in a different way to you does not mean they love any less.

I also believe that having brought a life into this world it is YOUR responsibility, not anyone else’s, to provide for them. Anything extra is a lucky bonus.

OP have a bit of perspective; your child has two sets of grandparents that want to be in their life. Everyone has a different attitude to money but actually the truth is a baby doesn't really need a lot anyway. Love is not measured in £££ and ultimately you will want your kid to look back on a childhood with memories of a loving family who wanted to be around. My son has one set of grandparents who don't even see him let alone buy gifts.

As a pp advised, separate it all out.

Calling, texting and coming over daily is too much. Decide with your DP what you're both comfortable with, then he sets the boundary with her. If she turns up unannounced, you don't have to let her in. You don't have to answer every call or respond to texts immediately. If she asks to come over, you can say it's not a good time/doesn't work today/let's set a date for next week.

The bags of stuff: is there anything sentimental in there at all? Some stuff might have holes but has anything been stored well? If it's just old junk, refuse it and return it to her each and every time. Again, your DP needs to set a boundary here.

Your parents. What business is it of theirs how much money/support your in-laws offer? They're behaving strangely. Why are they annoyed, unless you're repeatedly turning to them for money? My parents have been more generous than my in-laws but don't know that and have never asked to compare. Shut this down.

Money from your in-laws. Your MIL has bought an outfit as a gift, that's lovely. The lack of card or feeling of congratulations from your FIL is sad – maybe focus less on the money (your post does seem a bit entitled), and think about how your partner feels. He's just become a parent and his own parent isn't emotionally supportive. That's a much bigger issue than money.

MIL's repetitive money comments. Are you sure you're not promoting these? It seems odd she keeps mentioning it, and given the tone of your post is it perhaps the case that you're hinting at financial struggle or hinting at wanting support, maybe mentioning your parents' help and letting that information dangle, and she's trying, rightly, to shut that down?

If not, and she's just out of the blue announcing randomly "I'm not giving you money", you can say, "Yes, I know, you've mentioned this before; several times. Is there a reason you keep repeating yourself?"

The next time either of them bring up not buying something or money generally just say "I know how your feel about that thanks there really is no need to keep reminding me". Also tell your parents that what his parent aren't spending is their prerogative and you are grateful for anything they do but don't want to talk about your in-laws spending habits.
As for your mil being overbearing set clear boundaries and stick to them.

Hmm. DH and I aren’t the richest of people, yet DH’s parents are very rich, and we have received no tiny gift or offer of help since announcing we were pregnant. But it’s not the money that bothers me as we know that DC is our responsibility, what has bothered me is that they have also shown no excitement or emotion at all at his impending arrival. My due date is next week and they don’t even know, they thought it was in May. They already have one grandchild who they dote on (DH’s sisters baby) and bought endless amount of gifts for her and take her and her DC out all the time at the exclusion of the rest of the family. They have shown no interest in our pregnancy at all and I doubt things will change when DC arrives, and what breaks my heart is that he may grow up feeling less loved by them than his cousin. DH and his parents haven’t always had the best relationship but I was hoping they would love their new grandchild regardless. My parents despite not having much money have been very generous (which we never ever asked for or expected), but not just with money, they’ve offered to help with little things like assembling the nursery furniture when DH was suffering with a bad back.

Generosity comes in various forms and although your in laws may not have spent much money on your DC they clearly still want to be around and are showing they love and care, something that not everyone has. If you don’t want all the old tatty stuff they just politely tell them that you don’t have any room for it, but thank you for the offer. If they can’t really afford to buy new things for your DC then this is probably just their way of trying to contribute with something that they think is sentimental.

As for DP’s mum wanting to be around all the time, I agree that that’s not acceptable and your DP should be telling her this.

Wow, what a backlash. It’s nice to see mums helping fellow mums.

Perhaps i worded it wrong. I am in no circumstances all about money, or expecting money in any way. It is the fact that my mother in law is constantly pointing out lovely items before saying “i’m not buying him any more” or “i’m not spoiling him” which is disheartening me. It’s the fact that she hasn’t contributed anything at all, so can’t be spoiling him initially, yet acts like she has and is always talking about it herself. My family are becoming frustrated that they’re the ones helping. His dad to not even give us a card and make no effort, also hurts. I would never expect anything from anyone and would obviously only except gifts at certain times like his birth, birthday and Christmas.

Another important factor that i left out is that me and my partner have worked hard since the day we left school and have never asked for anything from anyone. We have been together a long time and were stable so decided to have a baby. When i was 5 months pregnant, my partner lost his job and wasn’t entitled to any payout. He unfortunately can’t find another job right now, no matter how hard he tries and i’m obviously on maternity pay. This means that we are struggling financially and are running out of savings, which is why my family are trying to help so much. His on the other hand are seeing how much we’re struggling to even afford to eat and yet are continuing their luxuries and turning a blind eye, letting their only child and grandchild go without. This is what is infuriating me because as a parent, i could never let my child struggle. So AGAIN i am NOT money grabbing, but circumstances are making life very difficult at the minute, especially with a new baby and being new to parenthood so please don’t jump down my throat and act like i’m an ungrateful person. I’m just struggling, as people do and no, it’s not what we planned on happening, i didn’t “plan” on having a child that i couldn’t support but unfortunately life has a different plan.

There seems to be a bit of an undercurrent that you expected them to contribute more and they are resentful that you had that assumption - I'm guessing you haven't outright asked but stating what your parents have given you is implying that they should do similar. All we got was a card and my mil's partner wouldn't even come downstairs to see our newborn when we drove halfway

I think we are trying to help.

I would never expect anything from anyone and would obviously only except gifts at certain times like his birth, birthday and Christmas.
Which is it? You don't expect anything but you "obviously" expect gifts at multiple occasions.

I understand it's hurtful not to have emotional support or joy from your FIL; my own PILs are a bit like this and it affects my DP. And your MIL sounds irritating. But it still sounds as though you expect them to give up "luxuries" (such as?) and go without in order to financially support you; I think her constant commentary is a reaction to your entitlement. Even if you don't explicitly say it, I've no doubt you're hinting at needing help.

You talk about your son "going without" but he's six weeks old. He only needs something to eat, something to wear, nappies, somewhere to sleep, and lots of love and affection.

I'm sorry your partner lost his job and you're struggling. Have you looked into money-saving options such as reusable nappies? Quite cheap second-hand on eBay and saves buying disposables. You can make your own wipes by cutting up old towels and keeping them damp in a Tupperware. Lots of baby clothes available in charity shops or eBay bundles.

I think struggling financially after you thought you’re life was tend I so hard. I can see why you’d hope the families might be more generously.

I also think if you stop and reflect (hard with a baby sometimes) you might consider your not terribly well off mother in law might feel she’s earned a few luxuries at her time in life and doesn’t want to give them up. I don’t know when her marriage dissolved but I imagine she had a fair few financial stresses of her own as a single mother. Security of monies, a tiny nest egg, might now be terribly important.

Focusing on their perceived meaness will undermine their relationship with you, with your husband and between the two of you. Stop doing it.

Receive tat with good grace, laugh and pop in the recycling skips locally.

Visits? You’ll love she has a good relationship when you want a babysitter or weekend away.

Also,

No i am not initiating financial talks of any kind with the in laws. I have not asked her for a penny, nor would i ever as that is not my place. She is talking about money out of her own free will - for example when we walk past an outfit in the supermarket she will mention it out of the blue and i don’t even respond, yet she continues doing it.

Another point, i do NOT mention it to my parents either and therefore i don’t discuss it behind my partners back as assumed also. My parents can see that we’re really struggling at the minute and do make comments about the in laws which obviously doesn’t help but is not initiated by me.

I NEVER expected to be helped by anyone but we are struggling and judging by how much i’ve helped other people, i thought people would be kind enough to help us too.

AGAIN!!!
I DO NOT FEEL ENTITLED TO PEOPLES MONEY.
I am frustrated since we are struggling and personally wouldn’t practically laugh in my son’s face if he came into financial hardship.

I understand that people earn their money and can spend it on whatever they would like.

However, when she’s going out drinking numerous times a week, going on holiday 4 times a year and splashing the cash repeatedly but she says she can’t afford to buy us a pack of £1.49 nappies from Aldi or a £3.50 t-shirt, it hurts.

Tell your MIL to stop making those comments, or ignore her when she does. And stop going shopping with her! Your DP needs to tell her too.

Tell your parents they need to stop bringing it up. Just set some boundaries OR spend less time with the people winding you up OR smile serenely and ignore.

You can't change people, so they may not stop, but you can change what you do: ignore, deflect, focus on the stuff you can control, like money-saving tips; taking advantage of DP's unemployment – yes it sucks financially, but it does mean you can share the workload of the baby and spend time as a family; taking MIL's unwanted bin bags of crap to charity/the tip, etc

I don’t think you have had a backlash I just don’t think you’ve had a lot of support.

I don’t think you need to dwell on FIL not giving you a card. Some men aren’t thoughtful like that. My husband wouldn’t be, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care just wouldn’t show it that way.

I am sorry your husband lost his job. Can you return to work whilst he cares for your baby so that you would have one full salary?

I think your family’s position of feeling bitter is unfair. Either they help you or they don’t but it should not be based on what your DH’s side does.