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Pregnancy

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Original poster

All friends stopped contact since becoming a mum

34 replies

Villaggio · 05/03/2019 14:29

The title says it all. So I was single for quite a long time before I met DH and I used to have a number of friends that I met at different times in my life. Some live abroad and we used to have regular communication on social media and occasionally met in different countries for holidays, some live in the same city and I used to meet them regularly for drinks/dinners. Some of them are still single and others are married but no children due to health issues, also being in 40s, I assume it’s difficult for some.

Anyway, ever since I got pregnant with DC1 the communication has slowly decreased to the point of no communication since my DD was born. I was still initiating the communication but the conversations got shorter and shorter and they never ask me about how things are or how is my DD. They share a lot of details about holiday plans, their pets etc. and then the conversation is over. Is this common? I am a bit shocked. I stopped contacting them as well as I don’t see any interest from them, but yesterday I got in touch with my best friend from childhood and after a brief conversation about herself she started bombarding me with pics and info about her cat who just turned 1 and cut off the conversation shortly after.

Everyone seems to have the same attitude and these people don’t even know each other. Really really weird.

OP posts:

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FriarTuck · 05/03/2019 14:34

I'm guessing that you've been boring them with endless stories of PFB! Understandable, she's the most important thing in your life, but not that interesting to everyone else after the first couple of mins. That's why they don't ask after your or DD because it will just start you off.
Contact them, ask about their lives and don't mention yours except in passing. Prove that you can talk about subjects other than DD. (I'm sure I was the same when I got DDog as a puppy!)

squeezysparklyballs · 05/03/2019 14:39

I had this and no, I didn't only talk about the baby.

Having a baby changes how some people view you, it's odd.

Original poster

Villaggio · 05/03/2019 14:43

@FriarTuck absolutely not true at all. I rarely post on social media, I think I posted about 8 pics of DD in 16 months since she was born and I hardly ever overshare anything whether it’s my life or my DD. I would have understood if I did that.

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SeaweedDress · 05/03/2019 14:44

For them you've changed categories, and now have changed priorities, or are perceived to have.Your friends are either childfree by choice, meaning they are not particularly interested in children, or are possibly struggling with fertility issues and are having a hard time seeing you have a child.

If you say none of these people know one another, so they are all individually responding to you similarly since you had your child -- then the only common denominator is you. Are you being a baby bore?

FriarTuck · 05/03/2019 14:47

Well if they were fine before and the only thing that's changed is you having had a baby then logically the baby is the issue in some form. So either you're talking too much about her, or you're not asking after them, or you're meeting up and not focusing on them because of her.... They're not just going to stop asking about you unless you've given them reason. I think you might (both) be surprised how many times you drop the whole child issue into it.

FriarTuck · 05/03/2019 14:47

And it's not just about social media; it's about what you say to them.

Original poster

Villaggio · 05/03/2019 14:50

@SeaweedDress as I said earlier, I never talk about the baby as I never get the chance. I only talk about her if I am asked and I am never asked. My DH is the same, he doesn’t share much about DD unless someone is taking an interest.

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Fuzzyheadache · 05/03/2019 14:51

It happens, we stayed in close contact with a couple of friends but your lives are so different now. I was upset by it too but 5 years later, I’m way over it. Unfortunately it can be isolating having a baby, get out to groups and meet people, hopefully it will take away a little bit of the void.

WeShouldOpenABar · 05/03/2019 14:53

My friends are the same, I started to have panic attacks on nights out cos I was watching every word I said trying not to mention the baby at all. They'd probably say I've gone quiet on them but the pressure of watching my words was too much.

kmammamalto · 05/03/2019 14:53

@friartuck why are you so weirdly convinced that it has to be the OPs fault?! Can it not be the friends simply aren't good friends or perhaps they are equally to blame?!
OP I'm sorry you are going through this. Could you bring it up with one of them? Is there any friend in particular you were most friendly with? I think most people lose friends when they have children for one reason or another. You're entitled to share things about your child as real friends would be interested just as you are interested in their pets and holidays etc.

squeezysparklyballs · 05/03/2019 15:00

Yes, given how huge a thing a baby is, not talking about it is odd. Some people are cat bores, sone are decor bores, celebrity bores...

Seniorschoolmum · 05/03/2019 15:05

Same here. I used to do an international job and friends were same industry. Now they’re travelling and I’m not. They’re earning a lot and I’m not. They go off roading in Latvia for the weekend and I help with homework.
It’s inevitable. Priorities change.

Original poster

Villaggio · 05/03/2019 15:19

@kmammamalto i didn’t bring it up with any of them. I just assumed they’d get used to the idea of me becoming a mum and communication would get better. I know 2 of them have fertility issues although the they never really talk about it. They wanted children for a few years and it’s not happening, but I still don’t get the attitude considering how much we used to talk in the past and how little I actually share about my DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

Villaggio · 05/03/2019 15:43

I put it down to them all being single and/or childless and my life has changed completely, I guess they perceive the change in my priorities, but I would still like to keep in touch and have the odd chat. I remember when I had friends who became parents when I was single, I’d still visit and sometime even babysit. They were terrible baby bores at times, but I understood their priorities.

I’ll get over it I’m sure but it came as a massive shock.

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FriarTuck · 05/03/2019 15:58

why are you so weirdly convinced that it has to be the OPs fault?! Can it not be the friends simply aren't good friends or perhaps they are equally to blame?!
Well if they were fine before and they're all not now and the only thing that has changed is OP having a baby.....! If just one had changed then fair enough, but if they're all refusing to ask then the most obvious explanation is OP boring them. And just because she's not mentioning it now doesn't mean that she wasn't before.
It's no skin off my nose. But if OP wants to regain her friends then she might want to consider the most obvious reason....

Original poster

Villaggio · 05/03/2019 16:03

@FriarTuck honestly, I get your opinion, thank you very much for your contribution but you don’t seem to get the scenario at all, no matter what I say.

OP posts:

TickleMeEmo · 05/03/2019 16:06

These things happen, if you’ve tried finding out what the problem is to no avail then just try to move on and don’t think too much on it. When I had DS 2 years ago my 2 oldest/closest friends drifted away from me, still I’ve no idea why.
I haven’t made many “mum” friends, more acquaintances I see at groups etc but the people I spend most of my time with are new friends without children who I’ve met doing classes/activities by myself (some plan to one day, others have no plans to ever have kids) but we have strong shared interests... it made me realise that we were clinging onto the old friendships for “old times sake” almost when in reality we no longer had much in common even before I had DS.

FriarTuck · 05/03/2019 16:31

honestly, I get your opinion, thank you very much for your contribution but you don’t seem to get the scenario at all, no matter what I say.
I get the scenario - you've had a child, they've gone from asking after you to not asking at all, all of them. You don't seem open to the idea that you've bored them unintentionally at some point with talking about your new child. And that's fine, but if it is the case and you're not considering it then you'll lose all your friends. And that seems a shame. But you carry on as you are.

SeaweedDress · 05/03/2019 16:50

I know 2 of them have fertility issues although the they never really talk about it. They wanted children for a few years and it’s not happening, but I still don’t get the attitude considering how much we used to talk in the past and how little I actually share about my DD.

I think this is an incredibly dismissive comment as regards friends who are potentially dealing privately with heartbreak. Do you really think that they want to talk about infertility with a woman who's just had a baby, or that if they don't share what they're feeling with you, it isn't happening?

You don't have to be a baby bore to have friends who want children and can't have them find you incredibly difficult to be around.

I lost two very good friends when I had my son at 40, having not planned to have children -- I had thought they were contentedly childfree like me, but it turned out not to be the case at all, it was only that I met them after they had stopped trying (and in one case, almost ended an otherwise close and happy marriage because they didn't agree on trying adoption). One simply never got in touch again after a perfectly cordial coffee when I told her I was pregnant.

I was very sad, but no one 'owes' anyone else friendship. You lose some people along the way as you go through different phases of life. The door is open for them to get back in touch. I still think of them as friends, just friends I'm not in touch with at the moment because they don't want to be.

CatSmize · 05/03/2019 16:52

Hi OP, I've been having a good old think about this one.

I'm wondering if it could be a what a PP mentioned earlier about holding onto friendships for old time's sake and sometimes a big life change is the moment a natural shift/distance occurs in the relationship (e.g. when one moves away, gets a new partner, has a baby, etc).

I also think it could be down to you not having so much "interesting" conversation to give anymore. Please don't take offence! Let me explain.

I have 2 friends who have young children who both live in my home country and I live abroad. Friend A still works, goes on lots of family holidays, meets up with friends, sees me when I'm in town, etc. Friend B has been a SAHM for 5 years, doesn't get out much and only really travels to her DH's hometown.

I have very little contact with Friend B purely because I don't really have much to talk about with her. I can only ask how the kids and house are so much and we don't have any recent shared experiences to talk about as she never meets up with me.

On the other hand, Friend A talks about work, nights out, etc. We make plans to go on girly weekends away...

I'm not saying you're boring at all! Just that maybe you don't have as much to give in the conversation stakes as before your DD was born. I may be wrong though as I don't know your circumstances!

JenniferJareau · 05/03/2019 16:58

It sounds to me like the activities you used to do with your friends you can't / won't do now baby is here?

occasionally met in different countries for holidays, some live in the same city and I used to meet them regularly for drinks/dinners.

KellyMarieTunstall2 · 05/03/2019 17:16

Hi OP
Thus happened to me after my first was born 9 years ago. It felt like I list my friends in a short period of time. I tried to keep in touch, talk about other things than my PFB, however all relationships dwindled. On reflection it was a shift, I changed, I wasn't available, interesting and too tired to be funny. I was sensitive about it, felt at the time it was them not me.
More recently, after my 3rd child, I've lost a few more friends. I don't have the same time, and this shows in my general attitude, so I rarely see some friends now.
Don't dwell too much about it OP, give it some time, some relationships may be rekindled.

Gobletoffire · 05/03/2019 18:40

I don’t necessarily think it’s the OP’s fault that her friends no longer seem interested, Im the first of my friendship group to become pregnant (were not young, all 29/30) and I’ve found that I’ve lost some friends already and DS isn’t even here yet. When they’re going out for meals and drinks on fri/Saturday nights they no longer even invite me, and I was still going occasionally with them at the beginning of pregnancy just for quiet meals out etc and no I wasn’t sat there just talking about pregnancy! Unfortunately I think that when you become pregnant and have children some friends feel like common interests are lost, they automatically assume you’ll be busy and no longer make as much effort. But the effort has to work both ways so OP I would try and reach out to them and make conversation but if they still don’t seem interested then move on x

Original poster

Villaggio · 05/03/2019 18:43

@SeaweedDress you are probably right about the ones with infertility issues, although it’s just my assumption there are any problems. They never shared anything with me, even before I got pregnant. I just know they at one point wanted children. However, like you said they may be going through a heartbreak that I’m totally unaware about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Villaggio · 05/03/2019 18:56

Thank you everyone.

I do reach out to them from time to time but like I said I only get bombarded with pics from holidays with every single detail about everything that happened on the respective holiday, pics of pets, funny videos etc. And the conversation is usually one way, I never get to share anything about myself or my life. Perhaps like someone said, my life is boring now and I have nothing interesting to share, but we do go on holidays too and things are happening in our life that have nothing to do with baby.

Like many of you said, it’s probably best to move on. I tried to make new mums friends but it’s more like acquaintances than friends, I talk to lots of mums and nans that I meet at toddler groups and we have a good old chat but that’s about it.

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