All friends stopped contact since becoming a mum

[Villaggio]

The title says it all. So I was single for quite a long time before I met DH and I used to have a number of friends that I met at different times in my life. Some live abroad and we used to have regular communication on social media and occasionally met in different countries for holidays, some live in the same city and I used to meet them regularly for drinks/dinners. Some of them are still single and others are married but no children due to health issues, also being in 40s, I assume it’s difficult for some.

Anyway, ever since I got pregnant with DC1 the communication has slowly decreased to the point of no communication since my DD was born. I was still initiating the communication but the conversations got shorter and shorter and they never ask me about how things are or how is my DD. They share a lot of details about holiday plans, their pets etc. and then the conversation is over. Is this common? I am a bit shocked. I stopped contacting them as well as I don’t see any interest from them, but yesterday I got in touch with my best friend from childhood and after a brief conversation about herself she started bombarding me with pics and info about her cat who just turned 1 and cut off the conversation shortly after.

Everyone seems to have the same attitude and these people don’t even know each other. Really really weird.

I lost my supposed best friend because of this baby, told me it was a false positive and I must of tricked dh into it as he didn't want a baby six months previous. We got over that then in the worst of my hyperemisis had a go at me for not being supportive enough about her 20 week scan. She lives four hours away from me and I was pretty attached to my toilet which I told her. She then started posting all over social media that her pregnancy was great and digs aimed at me. So I blocked her out my life.
She was the newest one to a friend group of four including me, the other two girls I love and they were my bridesmaids but since all this happened it's me constantly messaging and one keeps bailing on the plans we made so she can go out with other friends to get drunk. Not once have they asked about how I am or the baby whereas with the other girl they talk about her baby with her constantly calling themselves its aunties. One ignored my scan photo I sent them in the chat.
I'm so hurt by this and I haven't messaged them cause I'm waiting to see if they put the effort in but so far it's been three weeks and they haven't bothered. Looks like I've lost all my "best friends" in this.

Sorry to hear this, OP. People are commenting that YOU might not have interesting conversation, but your friends are sending you photos of their cats birthday?!

I’m pregnant with my first and I’m worried about this happening to me. I’m soon to be 31 and none of my close friends my age have kids. I feel like some of them already find it awkward to talk to me about it, and I feel like it’s only going to get worse. I’ll just have to see who can get over it and who can’t, I guess.

It’s a fucker but it probably is just as much/little as your lives being at different stages. It hurts... SO MUCH when you try and still be “present” as you were before but feel you e been consigned to the bun because you’ve had a baby and are therefore now “boring”. It happens though and no amount of hard or soft pedalling will change what’s happened.

A couple of outicomes are likely:

1. You drift and in the future when one of these friends has a baby herself will reappear and things will almost “revert”.
2. You drift away from the group entirely but into a new, more local social group of mums, whether from baby classes or nursery.

The latter doesn’t have the “intimacy” of your old friendships but in some ways you can use this to your advantage to filter those in and out whom you “click” with or don’t.

But (unlike some utter bellend PPs are saying) it’s not that you’ve become a baby bore. You’ve just had a baby. And that in itself can be enough to “change the terms” of a friendship regardless of the others’ personal situations.

It sucks. It’s hard. It’s depressing as fuck. And it’s not your fault.

Good luck x

I'm sorry this is happening. I have also been on the other end of this. I had a friend who ditched me when she had her baby (long before I even wanted a child) because I never asked about him. Honestly, I wasn't that interested and now I'm pregnant I'm still not. I can't wait for my own but aside from a few friends' kids I'm really not interested in other people's kids. Harsh but true. Maybe they're just not interested, then perhaps you struggle to find common ground to talk about or common perspectives because you have changed and they haven't (which you will have because it's impossible not to) so then they withdraw because they feel a distance between you. It doesn't mean anyone is at fault. People change and move apart or together.

I say this as someone who has several female friends with no children and no plans/desire/ability to have them. I was really worried I'd drift apart from one in particular when I told her I was pregnant - she's one of my best buds and I love her to pieces but she does not love children. But so far so good. Sometimes we even (briefly) talk about pregnancy. Hahaha.

Maybe all your friends are raging narcissists and you just have a "type" that you gravitate towards?

Before having DC I actively avoided mums, SO BORING. Now I have DC I actively avoid non mums, SO BORING.

Don't take it personally. It's about being at the same life stage more than anything else. Ditch them and move on. Their loss.

Thanks everyone, very interesting responses.

We are expecting baby no 2 so there is even less chance now to keep any of these friendships. Myself and DH were making a conscious effort not to be ‘baby bores’, even with our close relatives, in fact we managed to keep the first pregnancy secret until I was about 5 months and we were keeping a low profile throughout, partly due to not offending some people that we thought wanted children but couldn’t. Some friends on his side too.

I get that some people are just not interested in other people’s children and I was perhaps one of them too when I was single. But I kept in touch with my friends who became parents , albeit perhaps not as close as they wanted. But knowing what a huge part of their life their children were I’d always ask about them and even offered babysitting. And this was during a time that I was single, with no suitable partner in sight and being childless was a very strong possibility, considering I was fast approaching 40s. But obviously everyone is different and I don’t know what is really going on in their life. Perhaps if one of them does get pregnant she’d be back, perhaps bombarding me with pics of scans and all maternity notes and details about all the symptoms and worries etc. I can almost envisage it.

Congratulations on your number 2!
I think the term baby bores is horrid. Nothing my friends talk about bored me because were friends! All at different life stages but friends non the less! And we support each other and lift each other up!
I hope you are okay as moving on from this kind of experience took me quite a long time and that was only a couple of friends not my whole bunch. It's very hurtful so give yourself time to heal and move on. And I really hope you find some new friends who will be supportive, good, positive friends. Good luck!

It may be that they've had trouble TTC or are jealous, and so can't handle hearing about your news.

@kmammamalto thank you x