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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

35 yes old, 4.5 weeks pregnant, and need advice about what direction to go...

26 replies

Confused35 · 27/02/2019 17:59

I'm a 35 year old woman living in my own. I had been dating someone for a month when he broke up with me to get back to his ex. I found out the day after, that we are pregnant. He is pressuring me to get an abortion, saying horrible things and threats (suicide, harm to me or baby, giving up moving/ disappearing, etc.) He painted a perfect picture of himself and us when we were together and that clearly was a complete lie. He is solely blaming me for getting pregnant, and saying how dare I even consider bringing a child not made out of love (but when the child was conceived he claimed to love me) into this world. How it would ruin his life (eff your life dude... I'm not concerned about that).

I have no support system because my family are all across the country. I would be doing this alone (he said his family would disown him and refuse to be involved). My finances are extremely tight, I work 4 jobs, 6 days a week. I am worried about child care, and cost, but also the impact of this entire situation on myself or a child. However, I also very much have always wanted a child, but given my single situation, did not think that would be a possibility. I had very specific plans for my NEAR future (career goals, athletic goals, etc.) that would have to change greatly.

I am teetering back and forth between pill abortion or keeping it and letting it grow into a little life. I want a child, and I do not want to regret not having one. But I am also worried, because this situation is FAR from ideal, and there could be detrimental consequences.

My brother who was trying to get me to be a little more logical said this: you have 2 options, one is to abort, and your life will be status quo, whatever that means to you (good or bad). 2, you keep it, and you will be diving into the unknown, and your life will forever be different, and you will forever be tied to this crazy person.

I am looking for advice/ others experiences in similar situations.

OP posts:
FuerzaAreaUruguay · 27/02/2019 18:04

Can you move closer to family members if they were willing to be supportive? Unfortunately, the days of cushy tax credits are all gone now, it's all Universal Credit. And the baby's father is legally obligated to support the child so I'd go through CMS to compel him to pay up. I'd personally keep the baby and tell your ex to sling his hook - don't give the baby his surname.

onemoremummy · 27/02/2019 18:32

As difficult as things may be, it doesn’t sound like you’ll regret having a baby. Yes you’d be linked to this person, but you just don’t know the future. It sounds like you want the baby, so I think there is your answer...

Original poster
Confused35 · 27/02/2019 18:49

Thank you for that feedback... unfortunately, due to my career, I can not move. I'd be taking a huge pay cut to live close to family and lose job security. I do not plan on giving the baby his name, and I would plan on getting child support, but I'm afraid of the consequences (harm to myself, baby, decide to be vindictive and fight for custody, etc.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused35 · 27/02/2019 18:56

It was also suggested, that now that I know I can get pregnant, that I should wait to do it on my terms

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 27/02/2019 19:00

Op that is a difficult situation , but can l say that 'we are pregnant ' is not true, unfortunately YOU are pregnant here and he is a horrible waste of space, so please put him out of the picture.
In an ideal world he should be equally responsible but some men are just vile and sadly he is one.

Could you imagine your life in 10/20/30 years time looking back and imagine how you would feel if you took either road, this helped me enormously when l was trying to decide whether l wanted children.

Perhaps write out each lifestyle you could possible live and see how your feelings are then?
Ie don't continue with the pregnancy, no other disruption/may feel sad/may be only chance though not necessarily
or, move home or job/change career or living situation/imagine life with ababy and then child.

If you do this in some detail and really consider things you wouldn't have before being pregnant, and sit with the ideas for a few days, your reactions to the different options will help make the decision.

You have to make the decision for yourself but maybe talk to a councillor for help in unravelling the best option for you.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 27/02/2019 19:02

It was also suggested, that now that I know I can get pregnant, that I should wait to do it on my terms

Oh, bullshit! Whose bright idea was this? Just no!

Dragongirl10 · 27/02/2019 19:13

It was also suggested, that now that I know I can get pregnant, that I should wait to do it on my terms

Op please dismiss this comment.... l started trying at 36, got pregnant fast, miscarried at 12 weeks, then had 2 ectopic pregnancies in 6 months. Then was told l had a 5% chance of conceiving naturally at 38....
Do not assume you will just fall pregnant on demand, assume this is possibly your only chance.....

Original poster
Confused35 · 27/02/2019 19:13

Dragon girl, thank you for that suggestion, j feel like that will really help... the only reason I use we is because he did help me conceive... so in that sense, he was involved.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 27/02/2019 19:16

Atm your status quo is on your own with multiple jobs.

Diving into the unknown sounds like a different option.

You want children and whilst you might still get pregnant at 42/43, you don’t know if at 35 this could be your only chance.

I thought you could get benefits for childcare.

Keeping the status quo means nothing will change but I think aborting this baby will change you.
You sound like you want this child and that alone should be the deciding factor. Everything else can be worked around.

Original poster
Confused35 · 27/02/2019 19:26

I also don't want to end up alone or resent myself or the child for having it. I have heard of this happening more often than it is spoken about.

OP posts:
fromtheground · 27/02/2019 19:47

It was also suggested, that now that I know I can get pregnant, that I should wait to do it on my terms

As others have pointed out this was a stupid thing for someone to say. I was raped and had an abortion, I started TTC about 3 yeas after that and it took me 10 years and IVF to get there. There was nothing wrong with my OH and apparently nothing wrong with me (apart from the emotional trauma of aborting a baby that I actually quite wanted despite the circumstances).

Whatever you do decide, just don't let your ex influence you. Do what is best for you.

WiseBlankie · 27/02/2019 21:20

You are asking this question on a forum full of expecting mothers, many of whom have had difficulties getting or staying pregnant. You're going to get some skewed views here.

It sounds like you are in a far from ideal situation to bring a child into this world, both financially and in terms of a support network. Both these obstacles can be overcome if you really want to - there are children born into much worse each day - but no one can tell you whether having the child is going to make you happier in the end. You are likely not to regret having the child, because we get attached to the little creatures like crazy, but that does not mean that childless!Confused35 may not be a happier person in two, three years than mother!Confused35, even if she does have regrets. Which means this is a choice you will have to make with your heart alone. Sometimes letting go is the most loving thing you can do, and sometimes it is to fight and overcome.

You have my (virtual) support and my sympathy either way.

snoopy18 · 27/02/2019 21:37

As many OP have said, there’s no guarantee you will fall pregnant again. If you want a baby, keep it & adapt to the changes. It’s the only way.

My3boys9910 · 28/02/2019 15:31

The joys of having a baby/child & motherhood out weigh all the other issues i think...Just personal opinion...& in no offencive way...at 35 this could be your last chance...why let him take that away from you??..."I will kill myself if you dont kill ny child" (I know who i would pick) imagine him & his girlfreind have a baby together...and that was your only chance...plenty of men date single mothers & are happy to help raise their children...You could have a family one day with this child...Its never as bad as it seems.

Original poster
Confused35 · 28/02/2019 21:43

The reason I asked on this thread was because I have seen other similar yet outdated posts and thought I might get some advice from people who went through similar situations.

My main concerns now are about my lifestyle being a henderance. I have a full time career and part time bar job, and J work at 2 of the 3 gyms I train at (because, ya know, money), on top of that I barely stay afloat on my own doing ALL of this. And I'm only home a couple hours a day max... and I worry that I will not have the $$ or time needed to give a great life to a child... is it selfish for me to have her/him anyway? How do you make childcare affordable? Make time for work I currently need to work 60 to 70 hrs a week to pay for life expenses) and raising one on your own? I also don't want to completely give up my second career goal of becom in ng an athlete which requires intensive training regimens (that due to creativity I have been able to thus far get for almost free).

I WILL follow my heart to make the choice that I feel is best... but being informed about other peoples' experiences has helped so much already... I need to know that it will be doable... if it was all heart, I'd already have an answer... but putting your heart 100% in it won't keep us from freezing on a street if I lose my home. I don't want to lose my home and be homeless with a child... or unable to feed them... or give them health insurance... I'm just trying to get all of the information, even as some are opinions, to help be better informed... also, thank you all for the warm messages and thoughts and well wishes so far.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 01/03/2019 09:10

If you are on your own and having to work 3 jobs just to stay afloat I think a few hours going through your finances might be in order.

Also at 35 (please don’t take this the wrong way) but aren’t you pushing the limits age wise to be a top athlete. However if you have a baby I am sure I read somewhere that after your fitness peaks.

Are you in the UK or US because that makes a huge difference to how you afford childcare?

onemoremummy · 01/03/2019 17:26

Is this really for real?

Having children means making sacrifices, so yes maybe your dream of becoming an athlete might need to be put on hold indefinitely. Everyone makes sacrifices for their children. And they’re 100% worth it, because at the end of the day, it’s all about them and THEIR dreams rather than ours! I still have my ambitions and dreams but they’re secondary to raising happy, well adjusted children. They’re so worth it, OP.

onemoremummy · 01/03/2019 17:26

If you’re in the UK it’s highly unlikely you’ll be made homeless and freeze on the streets...

DesolationCrow · 01/03/2019 19:13

This man most likely will want access to the baby, alone. Will you feel safe or comfortable with that?

You will have to deal with him, be hassled by him, for the next 18 years.

Your baby might well exhibit personality traits similar to him.

If you can live with the stress and risks, go ahead, but do it knowing how hard and heartbreaking it may well be. And yes, it could well destroy your life.

Noone can tell you whats right, and heaven knows, I understand the desire for a baby. But think very seriously about having THIS baby.

Wishing you all the very best..Flowers

Petitprince · 01/03/2019 19:25

Honestly, I wouldn't terminate what is possibly your only chance to have a child. Everything else you can work out as you go (My nan always said babies bring money with them!). Your ex is only fighting this hard because he realised he'll have to pay maintenance every month for 18 years (and he has no biological clock ticking). Ignore him and follow your heart.

Original poster
Confused35 · 01/03/2019 20:00

Finances are tight because of student loans, mortgage, etc... life isn't cheap. I work the jobs so I can get everything covered and move on.

No offense taken, but in my sport, there are many athletes even in their 40s and 50s.

yes, I understand having children means making sacrifices, which is why I'm trying to really weight the options. And I am in the US. And I don't appreciate condecending messages when I'm just trying to weigh all options and consider all influences currently and in the future, as well as understand what I will be going through down either path, so that I make the best choice, not just for myself.

The man has said he would want nothing to do with the child and would hate it and me forever. I'm ok with him hating me, but I'm also worried about having to deal with him, like you said. It scares me what he might chose to do to be vindictive.

OP posts:
Solasum · 01/03/2019 20:08

Realistically, you won’t be likely to find childcare to cover the bar job and training as well as the day job, and you probably also will find yourself wanting to spend most of your non work time with your child. How would your finances work in that situation?

DesolationCrow · 01/03/2019 20:51

Confused, unless you can leave the state, and change your name, perhaps tell him you have aborted, it does not sound like you would be safe.

What if he decides to see the kid? Many men change their minds and want involvement, you will be forced into this.

Please consider your quality of life.

This could be disasterous for you.

Even if you go for sperm donation and go it alone. But tying yourself to this abuser sounds very dangerous.

crimsonlake · 01/03/2019 22:30

I do not mean to sound callous but you cannot be a top athlete at 35 years that boat has sailed. You knew him a month and got pregnant? Yes these things happen, however if you are not prepared to change your life's plan I cannot see a baby fitting in, something will have to give.

Lou0219 · 01/03/2019 22:44

Nobody can tell you what to do. But you need to think about & answer these questions.
1.) forget him it’s your baby, do you want this baby?
2.) are you going to get another opportunity to have a baby?
3.) money? What about tax credits? Get rid of a few jobs keep one or two you’ll get help, don’t abort your baby because you can’t afford it.

Have your baby & move closer to your family when your maternity starts if you need support and you want it

Good luck x

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