Babies father has walked away

[MummaBear2Be2019]

Hi,
I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and the father has walked away. It's a complicated situation, he is my ex from when i was 15, we split for 6 years then started seeing eachother again even though he had a new girlfriend. Within those 6 years he had 2 little boys who he loves and dotes on. We we're seeing eachother for 2 years before we fell out, this was back in 2015. In January of last yearwe got back in contact and started seeing eachother again, yes he still had the same girlfriend but he told me he wanted out of that relationship and he has always loved me and wanted to be with me etc i was foolish enough to believe him, he is the only man i have ever been with! I didn't think i could have children but we discussed the possibility and he told me if it happened he would stand by me. Fast forward a few months and i fell pregnant. It was a huge shock but i was so excited. I told him and he panicked straight away about what it would mean to his life but he still maintained he would be there, he even told me he was happy. We continued seeing eachother and then 2 weeks later we fell out as someone he knew found out i was pregnant so he went mad at me about it. We didn't speak for 6 weeks! We started speaking again but it wasn't the same, he still said he will be there for our baby. Within a few days, everything kicked off again when i found out he had told the mother of his sons that it was a lie and he was not the father. We now haven't spoken for another 6 weeks and he ignores my messages and refuses to talk to me. I am heartbroken. I feel so low and depressed, i am missing alot of work because i can barely get out of bed. He told me he loved me and wanted this baby with me, how can he act like this? I know i was stupid to trust him again and see him when he had a girlfriend but when you are in love with someone especially the person who you loved as a teenager and the only man you have ever been intimate with, it is hard not to hold on to the hope that this time it will work out. Has anyone else ever dealt with their BD walk away whilst they were pregnant but then later want something to do with the baby? I dread the day my child asks me why their daddy never wanted them 😭

No, I'd take him at his word. My own husband walked out on his baby and eight months on has never met him.

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation, it sounds like you have made several bad decisions, however I don't want to judge as I have never been in your shoes so I don't know how it feels. However now it is time to start making the right decisions. First of all lies and secrets help nobody. This man cheated on his wife (or current partner) and you can be certain he will do the same to you. Even if he doesn't cheat, it will be in your head forever and the jealousy could ruin you both anyway.

First thing you need to do is give him the chance to tell his current partner what has happened before you tell her. She needs to know the kind of Mannheim is rather than wasting more time believing he is something else.
If she knows, then he can support everyone or at least everyone will know what an asshole he is.

Sorry you’re in such a horrible situation. I think you have to make plans for how you’re going to manage as a single parent. If he loved you enough to leave his partner for you he would have done it right at the start. Instead he’s just using you for affection and sex on the side whilst playing happy families with his partner and now it’s getting difficult he’s showing his true colours.

You deserve better than this, OP

Don’t take him back. Take him to the CSA for maintenance and move on. By all means he can be involved in his child’s life just not yours. You won’t find a decent man if you keep hanging on for him.

Thankyou for your replies.
I don't want him involved in my life, for denying paternity i will never forgive him BUT our child is innocent in all of this. I just wanted him to step up and be the dad i know he is to his other 2 boys. He has told his current gf that it is lies aswell, she believes him! He has cheated on her constantly since they first got together and she knows but she is just desperately hanging on to him so lets him. Anything between me and him is well and truly over, i just hope he steps up for the baby. I don't want to have to try and explain when my child is old enough to ask, why he walked away and never wanted our child

I don't think telling her is going to achieve anything. He's fed you a bunch of lies and he'll be doing the same to her.

I think you need to start making plans for your new baby. Do your family know you are PG? Will you get any support?

If you are missing work, have you told your GP how low you are feeling?

Have you been going to all of your scans and appointments? If you haven't already, I'd join the MN ante-natal club for the month you are due.

I can't help you with what to tell your LO when they are older, someone else might be along soon who can help with that but for now, you need to concentrate on looking after you and your LO

take him at his word- chances are he won’t want to be involved with ur child.

I don’t want to judge but you knew what kind of man he was. He was dating you while having a gf. If he will do that her, he will do that to you easily.

Ur going to have to do this alone ! Sorry x

I’m not sure referring to the OP as “you silly girls” is contributing anything worthwhile and it’s pretty obvious that she’s learned already that cheating men lie to everyone, including themselves.

OP I really would thing twice about putting him on the birth certificate too. By putting him on there, you are giving him the same rights as you will have. This is fine if you are thinking of co-parenting but could make things awkard for you if he doesn’t agree with things in the future. You can still ply for or maintenance, have a look at this previous thread 🙂

@JiltedJohnsJulie Its a shame you don't agree that she should tell his current partner. If my bf was cheating on me, I'd want to know.
Of course it's not her responsibility, but it is the decent thing to do.

I have zero sympathy you were happily having unprotective sex with someone else’s bf who they have dc with. It’s a dirty trick to do do to someone’s.

Snappedandfarted2019 where in my post am i asking for your sympathy?? This has nothing to do with it so keep your irrelevant opinions to yourself when you actually have no real clue of the ins and outs.

I cannot put his name on the birth certificate if he does not attend when i register our baby as we are not married. I want nothing to do with him but i would like him involved with the baby.

I have no intention of going to his gf and telling her, the truth will come out when CSA make him take a dna test and he will be proven to be the liar. I don't want petty arguments, this is all about our child, the child he took part in creating and promised he would be there for. I don't want him there for me, as a mother you want your child to have 2 parents that love them and care for them.

It’s all me me what about his poor gf who is unaware you have been seeing her partner and knowing full well of his family and that fact they are together. I’ve been in that position and it’s horrofic. you make you’re bed and you lie on it

I feel so sorry... for his girlfriend and DC. The innocent victims in this.

At least YOU knew he was a cheat and a liar and decided to keep seeing him. Given you knew he was scum, why are you surprised?

I'm really honestly trying not to judge here, as it's a shit situation. I'm not sure I would have believed him before you got pregnant that he would 'stand by you' seeing as he has an entire family that he would have to leave to do so and that he hadn't left before you got together.

You can sleep with a man, but unfortunately, you can't make him be anything more than a biological father. He has to want to be a dad. all you can do is learn from the experience and make different choices in the future.

He sounds like a right tosser, but I kinda get the 'first love' connection that you keep going back to! Been there (but neither of us were cheating). Honestly, it probably didn't work out the first few times for a reason. At least, I found that the things that broke us up the first time didn't change!!!

Unfortunately, now your child will have to learn from your mistakes too...

And the number of posts I see about 'doctors said I couldn't get pregnant' and then the poster did, makes me want to scream at doctors NEVER TO SAY THIS!!!!! Doctors can't see in your Fallopian tubes or ovaries!! And it tends to be quite young (vulnerable?) women who are told this! Despite that, you should get checked for stis as he wasn't wrapped up.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP but you KNEW he wasn't a good guy. Cheating on his GF who he has kids with, you knew about this so makes you a bad person too tbh.

You sound snakey. Seriously, who fucks a guy with a girlfriend and kids? be glad he's gone and enjoy your new life with your baby. You don't need him.

You’re the other woman. Did you really think he was leaving his partner and his children to play happy families with you? Honestly; it was never going to happen.

@PotteringAlong exactly. it's harsh to hear OP but you were just easy sex for him unfortunately

Just to clear it up he DOES NOT have children with his girlfriend! He has children from a previous relationship. So no, there was no family being split apart. I have also met his children on many occasions so they do know me quite well. It was never about 'sex' we would actually just spend hours together talking, laughing etc like friends do. Again his gf KNOWS he has been cheating, she has always known but chooses to ignore it so no, there is no sympathy for her. I don't want anyones sympathy, I don't care about what happened between me and him all i care about is OUR UNBORN CHILD! Unless you have dealt with the father of your child walking away, regardless of the situation, do not bother to comment as it is not at all helpful and your opinion does not matter. 👌🏻

Jeez it must be nice to be perfect and never make a mistake so you’re perfectly positioned to judge others 🙄

Yeah the OP made some bad choices and she’s owning that now, I don’t see how these comments help at all. They don’t help the OP, the baby, or the girlfriend, and if it makes you feel good to sit behind a keyboard and make nasty judgemental comments then you need to have a good look at yourselves.

OP, unless you want to go after him for child support which you are perfectly entitled to do, I think you need to forget about him and focus on you and your baby. He’s not a good person or role model and you don’t need him in your life and neither does your baby.

Thankyou GabbyGal, i know and own the mistakes me both made but that is not what i am here to get opinions on!
All i care about is my unborn child, i just wanted peoples experiences when dealing with an absent father.

So what outcome are you hoping for OP?

@FlyingMonkeys All i want from him is to step up and be there for the baby. I want nothing to do with him and i want no communication with him but why should what has happened between us affect an innocent unborn child? This child deserves to know who their dad is and make up their own mind about him.
I was just hoping others on here whos BD walked away could offer some advice and share their experience on how it went in the end.

I'm sorry to say this OP but I don't think he's going to step up for you or the baby.. better off to cut him out of your life and move on.

Think of the baby; put them first. Look at all this guy has done. He's got children with someone else, continuously cheats on his current girlfriend and just sounds like a dick. Do you want that person as an influence in your child's life?

Okay - so first thing is its his decision if he wants to have contact with the child. He will be responsible for child maintenance and you should apply for it as he did know the potential outcome of you both having unprotected sex. Contact may be best held at a neutral location - potentially through a family member? Realistically until you have the baby zero will happen unless he gets in touch. If he starts making noises surrounding wanting to be involved then as pp mentioned consider strongly if you want his name on the birth certificate (read up!). Speak to your GP if you're struggling with work currently. Look into local support around you. I'm guessing you are under 25 from dates posted in your OP. Utilise your midwife support - some GPs offer designated support workers for younger first time mums to offer advice.

@HappyMama01 Thankyou for your input, if he wants to be involved we do not need to see eachother, i am more than happy for him to see our child at a family members place, like i said this is about our baby not us. I know he is a fantastic dad to his 2 boys, that is all i want for this baby. I think most people on here think i want him to be with me and our baby, that is far from the case! I don't want to be with him i just want him to be a dad.