Babies father has walked away

[MummaBear2Be2019]

Hi,
I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and the father has walked away. It's a complicated situation, he is my ex from when i was 15, we split for 6 years then started seeing eachother again even though he had a new girlfriend. Within those 6 years he had 2 little boys who he loves and dotes on. We we're seeing eachother for 2 years before we fell out, this was back in 2015. In January of last yearwe got back in contact and started seeing eachother again, yes he still had the same girlfriend but he told me he wanted out of that relationship and he has always loved me and wanted to be with me etc i was foolish enough to believe him, he is the only man i have ever been with! I didn't think i could have children but we discussed the possibility and he told me if it happened he would stand by me. Fast forward a few months and i fell pregnant. It was a huge shock but i was so excited. I told him and he panicked straight away about what it would mean to his life but he still maintained he would be there, he even told me he was happy. We continued seeing eachother and then 2 weeks later we fell out as someone he knew found out i was pregnant so he went mad at me about it. We didn't speak for 6 weeks! We started speaking again but it wasn't the same, he still said he will be there for our baby. Within a few days, everything kicked off again when i found out he had told the mother of his sons that it was a lie and he was not the father. We now haven't spoken for another 6 weeks and he ignores my messages and refuses to talk to me. I am heartbroken. I feel so low and depressed, i am missing alot of work because i can barely get out of bed. He told me he loved me and wanted this baby with me, how can he act like this? I know i was stupid to trust him again and see him when he had a girlfriend but when you are in love with someone especially the person who you loved as a teenager and the only man you have ever been intimate with, it is hard not to hold on to the hope that this time it will work out. Has anyone else ever dealt with their BD walk away whilst they were pregnant but then later want something to do with the baby? I dread the day my child asks me why their daddy never wanted them 😭

Telling the current partner is the decent thing to do but in this case, I can't see what the OP will gain from it. It seems she is aware of the affair, and this is what it was, but us in denial. Who knows what lies he's telling her?

I think it's best for the OP to concentrate on sorting out her life so she's ready for the baby rather than wasting further energy in this loser.

Thankyou @JiltedJohnsJulie his gf does know what was going on but as far as i am aware when she found out i was pregnant he denied it and said it was a lie and there was no baby. I will not be speaking to her, that isn't my place especially when she already knows whats been happening.
Everything between me and BD is irrelevant now, the baby is all that matters to me. I just feel low and guilty about how this child will feel growing up thinking they are not good enough

Don't feel guilty as long as you raise your child feeling loved that's the main thing. Definitely look into as much support as you can access via services to help you.

Unfortunately you were just a bit on the side for him and the baby is just a bi-product of that.

Wanting him to step up and be there for a baby who was conceived with a woman he was cheating on his current partner with is very naive.

He’s made it clear that he wants nothing to do with either you or the baby, take him at his word. No the baby didn’t ask to be born into all this but you knowingly made a decision to have a baby with a man who was still in a relationship with someone else. This is just the consequence of that, the baby will now grow up knowing that his father doesn’t want to know.

By all means go after him for maintenance assuming he is earning and in a position to contribute but don’t put any hopes on receiving it. Around 50% of men pay no maintenance at all so there’s a good chance you’ll get nothing. Or the bear minimum.

If you decide to keep this baby you need to do so with your eyes wide open to the likelihood that you will be doing this on your own for the duration of the baby’s life and that the baby will never know either its father or siblings.

I realise it sounds harsh but this is what happens when you knowingly get pregnant by someone who is in a relationship with someone else. It matters not whether she knew or not, the fact she knew doesn’t diminish your part.

@NoCauseRebel You have alot of that wrong.
A father has no choice to pay maintenance now, it comes directly from their employer before they even receive their wages. Yes he works and is in a very good job with very good pay.
His 2 sons will be involved with the baby, me and the mother of his 2 boys have already been talking regularly and have agreed that. Luckily we are both mature and we are putting the children first.
It was also not about sex, as i already said we actually spent many days a week just spending time together WITHOUT having sex.
My family is extremely supportive and his mother has already said she wants to be involved and has kept in contact checking up how her grandchild is doing.
I am almost 30 so not a 'young mum' and i know exactly what having a child entails, i have a very big family and even raised 1 of my nephews from birth until he was 2 years old.

that contradicts a lot of what you’ve said! you previously said that

“as i am aware when she found out i was pregnant he denied it and said it was a lie and there was no baby. I will not be speaking to her”

I don’t want to be harsh but a LOT of men DO NOT pay child support. Especially men who father kids from an affair such as yours.

Also about his sons being involved with ur child. To be perfectly honest, highly unlikely.

I don’t say this to be harsh or hurt ur feelings but you need to have an idea of reality !

@izekiah what part is a contradiction?
When his ex gf (the mother of his sons) and his current gf found out he denied the babies existence.

Me and the mother of his sons have became very good friends, regardless of the fathers input, our children will be involved with eachother. I have met his sons many times and they both know me very well, they are looking forward to having a baby brother or sister.

CSA is now actually ran by Child Maintenance Service and by court order they go directly through the employer and NOT through the father. That way the father cannot lie about what he is paid and also has no choice but to pay. I have already spoken to CMS so know exactly how they work.

A lot of men don’t pay as they lie to the CMS, quit their jobs and have all sorts of ways to get out of paying or paying the absolute minimum. You just need to read the rest of Mumsnet to see how shit the CMS are with getting maintenance. Knowing how it’s supposed to work and it actually working are two very different things.

@CouldntThink I know how it works also by other family members paying/claiming it. BD would not quit his job either, he is in a very high up position with very good pay which helps pay for his house/kids/car etc
The CMS isn't a high priority for me at the moment anyway, i can easily afford this child myself as i also have a very well paid job.
I just want to hear from mothers who has raised children alone after the father walked out. I know what struggles lay ahead but it does help hearing about others experiences

look all I was saying what that things might not turn out as rosey as you think. That’s all.

Like a pp said men who don’t want to pay find a way of not paying !

@izekiah i get what you're saying but i have never said or thought it would all be rosey, if i did I wouldn't be asking about other people's experiences. No matter what i will be there and provide for this child, as will my family and the paternal grandmother.