What is the biggest advice you would give to your pre-baby self?

[Marghe87]

In retrospect, would you give yourself any advice with regards to TTC, pregnancy and handling a new born baby and all the other changes in life?

Trust your instincts. Dont assume other peoples advice is best for you. Your life your body your baby, you are allowed to ignore people. Especially the ones who think they know everything.
Xx

I think the other advice would have been don't get a silver cross - theyre so heavy, big and difficult to steer compared to other prams out there. Really wish i got a 2nd hand pram too. We've got ourselves a much lighter pram for baby #2 and it was only £40 2nd hand. I can't even sell my near perfect silver cross for £150 (£750 brand new)

TTC - don't obsess so much. It's putting DH off sex 😂

Pregnancy - Try to relax and enjoy the pregnancy. Don't worry about every teeny little thing.

• Sleep sleep sleep!!

Newborn - get as much support from friends and family as possible. When people offer to help, don't say "I'm fine" when I'm clearly not!

• have naps with the baby

Taking a year's mat leave twice hasn't messed up my career at all but having to pay for childcare has as I'm now limited to jobs that would pay enough to cover it. I'm therefore stuck in a stressful job that I would like to leave but can't. Slightly different situation though as I have twins in nursery. With dcs with a bigger age gap this would be less of an issue.

Babies really are great, it's the right decision.

If your baby has jaundice, get specific advice and don't listen to people who are talking about non-jaundiced babies. Different ball game.

PCOS can make breastfeeding a bit trickier to establish. Get proper breastfeeding help.

If both your dm and your MIL did not breastfeed any of their children, they may be fantastic people but their breastfeeding advice will be actually damaging. Find some proper help and don't listen to them.

Take the anti-sickness meds.
You're going to breastfeed for 18 months so stop buying high necked maternity stuff and stick to bf-friendly (needed a whole new wardrobe once DS was born).
Demand that epidural and DO NOT take the pethidine (made me go loopy!)!
Some babies just don't sleep. Don't worry about it. They sleep eventually (kind of).
Don't time everything (naps, awake times, feeds, number of wet nappies, number of poops...) obsessively because it doesn't help and just stresses you out.

Be aware of projectile poop! I didn’t realise it was a thing before DS.
Also don’t compare, I still catch myself doing this and making myself feel crappy about whether I’m doing something wrong.
Don’t get upset/have feelings of guilt if your birth plan goes the complete opposite of what you hoped, as long as you and baby recover well is all that matters.

Don't do it! Joking -mostly-

1. You may not get the birth you want or plan for, but that's ok. A healthy baby is all that matters.
2. Sleep whenever you can.
3. Walk and get fresh air, regardless of the weather EVERY single day.
4. Don't beat yourself up if you can't breast feed.
5. Don't stress about making everything perfect - many days won't go that way.
6. Enjoy the calm quiet moments with him/her. Really soak those moments in. They help when it all kicks off.
7. When he/she favours a soft toy - get 2, possibly 3. Trust me.

Don’t allow/accept judgement from others- tell them where to go.

Don’t judge other parents.

Its going to be absolute fucking hell for the first few years. Hang in there. Don't be harsh on yourself. Do what you think is best, not what people tell you is best.

If the birth doesn't go to plan and you end up with an emcs and then unable to breastfeed these things do not make you a failure. So much about birth is beyond your control. It is not your fault.

The shitty bits don't last forever.

Try to relax and just go with baby's cues. Do not listen to people going on about routines etc. Nod and smile and continue to do what you are doing. It all passes so quickly. You are not doing anything wrong if your baby doesn't sleep. It is NORMAL for baby's not to sleep long stretches. Or at all sometimes for that matter.

Do not let people (looking at you MIL) make it all about them and be demanding and interfering. Don't rely on DH to talk to her as he just pussyfoots around her. Do it yourself. Stand up for your family. Tell her how it is. Be assertive (but kind if possible). This time is about you and baby.

Stop anticipating/planning for "problems" that haven't happened yet!
Don't get fat and complacent on maternity leave. I put on a stone and a half on mat leave with DC1 because I went for coffee and cake all the time.

PCOS can make breastfeeding a bit trickier to establish. could you explain please? I wonder if this happened to me...

OP I would tell myself to stop eating for 10 because I did NOT need all that and it impacted so badly on my pelvis and back. 2 years on, still with issues

And that I did not need to change his nappy every time he fed through the night, just poo

That it really was going to be the hardest, and I would never sleep again

Oh yes, actually what @Girlwiththearabstrap says, I kept indulging on mat leave because BFing. What a joke, I have enough reserves to BF another 2 years

Read up a little bit on what the baby bit is like (but don’t obsess!). Once I understood about cluster feeding/growth spurts I coped with them a lot better as I knew they wouldn’t last long.

Do whatever you can to make life easier those first few weeks especially if breastfeeding as you will be doing all the feeds. Stock up on drinks/snacks/box sets/kindle books to make long feeding sessions easier.

Set up an online grocery shopping account and add all your regular stuff onto it plus nappies, cotton wool, breast pads, maternity pads, paracetamol etc. If you can’t make it out to the supermarket because youmve been up all night with the baby then order in instead!

Think about meals you can prepare easily and eat one handed whilst holding/feeding the baby - don’t do what I did and stock the freezer with homemade lasagne!

Buy cheap comfy pyjamas and big pants for the postnatal period, I also bought the nursing vests from H&M. I have about 4 or 5 sets so I can easily chuck them in the wash when they get dirty and put a clean set on. Ditto lots of vests and sleepsuits for the baby that are easy to change and wash - don’t faff around with complicated baby clothes those first few weeks. I found the multipack ones from M&S are good quality and wash well.

If friends/family want to help ask them if they’ll do a bit of ironing/run the hoover round/prepare a meal one evening etc. Practical help is a far better gift than piles of baby clothes and toys.

The “baby blues” around day 3-5 will probably make you feel a bit mental but hang in there - like most things it will pass.

Think about career. In my case it wasn’t mat leave that fucked things up- it was dropping too many days. I’m glad I had the time with my little one but I was naive about the relative implications of different working patterns.

I’d also say don’t build up expectations of a natural birth, easy baby. It can all be really hard and women aren’t failures for having dificult births or a hard time breastfeeding.

I’d also advise myself that first babies can come early (despite everyone saying th be overdue) and to finish work earlier.

PCOS - there's some evidence that it can cause a few extra problems, I believe. I don't think the evidence is that strong so health professionals would probably dismiss it (and I am one!) But I know that my mother just didn't manage to feed my brother and found the whole thing so traumatic that she never bothered with me, and I know she has PCOS, and I know that I struggled hugely and I have PCOS, and there is some evidence out there that it doesn't help. I would say to anyone considering bf who has PCOS, don't assume you will have problems, but don't just assume it will be fine either - get support. I spent about 4 weeks faffing about with ds not really gaining and his jaundice not really clearing, and couldn't get more than a few specks despite pumping for 40minutes at a time. I know the latter isn't always an indication of poor supply but it definitely was for me. We ended up being admitted to hospital. I should have got serious support from the start. DS throve on FF and that's fine (and he's 15 now!) but I would have liked not to set myself up to fail.

I should have kicked off about DH’s gaming addiction big time before I had baby and not assumed he would grow up when we had a child

Be less trusting of medical professionals and put my foot down. I niavely thought everything would be painful but fine during labour as pain relief would be available. Cue me being induced with a back to back baby and being denied any pain relief. DH was crap so I would consider hiring a doula next time

FTM with 6 week old here. My advice to pre-baby me:

1. It's fine to read baby books and learn about schedules and routines, but your baby won't have read those books. Establishing a night time routine is good, but you'll drive yourself mental if you're trying to follow a strict schedule. It's better just to have a flexible routine eg Feed Play Sleep, follow the same pattern each time the baby wakes so they know what to expect, but you're not watching the clock.
2. Read as much as you can about breastfeeding, cluster feeding, tongue ties, oversupply, under supply etc. Being equipped with knowledge about these things will help you when you feel like giving up, especially if breastfeeding is painful. If needed, get yourself some nipple shields so you can still feed while protecting your nipples and while you wait to speak to a lactation consultant.
3. Learn about baby cues. Babies have non-verbal feeding cues, but there are also verbal cues to help you work out what they need. Check out Priscilla Dunstan on YouTube, she has worked out 5 words all newborns say based on their reflexes. It's been so helpful for me to work out when ds is tired, hungry, needs to burp, has wind, or is uncomfortable.
4. Don't invite family to stay with you for longer than 1 week, they will drive you mental.
5. Let people help you, bring food, etc
6. Don't be afraid to tell people "no" if they want to come around to "see the baby" but aren't going to make themselves useful and do the dishes, help with the laundry, etc.
7. Definitely join a mother's group, particularly one for first time mums. You can share strategies, cry together, and help each other out, and you might make some life-long friends.
8. Stop feeling guilty. You do what works for your child, there are no "right" or "wrong" ways to do things, especially in the newborn stage, you can take advice and try things but tbh we all just muddle through. And it gets better (or so I'm told by the mums in my mother's group with 12 week olds).

2nd hand is fine for a lot of baby items

Do a bit more research before buying the pram- whilst your baby might be ready to go forward facing at 9 months, you will not be

What I say to DDS. Have a career and skills. You need something to fall back on. if you work after the birth you need to be able to afford child care and still make something for your efforts.

Don't have such high expectations, don't stress and enjoy the newborn stage.

Take everyone’s advice with a bucket of salt, and follow your own instincts. NOBODY knows your baby as well as you do.

Just because something worked for your mum, mil, sister or best friend doesn’t mean it will work for you. Babies, like adults are different. There really isn’t a one size fits all.