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Original poster

Handhold needed please - twins lost at 19 weeks (upsetting thread)

40 replies

Squiff70 · 20/01/2019 22:34

Hi everybody,

I was 19 weeks pregnant with twins, a boy and girl, who were due in early May. On Saturday 5th Jan I started bleeding. We went straight to hospital where they did a scan and found our babies had no heartbeats. We were taken to the delivery suite where they deliver babies who've passed away where they did a second confirmation scan. They told us the babies would most likely have died in the last 24-48 hours.

I was given a tablet to soften my cervix and told to go back on Monday morning to be induced, but was warned things may happen naturally at home in the meantime. I was allowed home that night but spent the night in severe pain. At 6.20am on the Sunday morning (two weeks ago today), my waters broke. We were under instruction to call 999 if this happened, so we did and we were taken back to the delivery suite as I was in established labour. The babies were delivered naturally in the three hours which followed then I was rushed to theatre for a manual removal of the placentas which weren't delivered naturally. I lost a litre of blood and had complications so have been quite unwell since. I am on the mend now though.

Since then, time has stood still. We gave consent for full post mortems because if they can possibly find out what went wrong, we want to know. It looks like we may have to have a funeral because nobody can or has told us what will happen to our son and daughter when they come back from the post mortems in a week or so.

I am still numb with shock and don't know what to do with myself. My heart is breaking and I am barely functioning. Has anyone been through anything similar who can guide us please?

OP posts:
JuliaAndJulia · 20/01/2019 22:40

Haven't been thorough exactly the same, but my heart breaks for you. Losing a child is hard enough, losing two for unknown reasons is unbearable. I found miscarriage at 10 weeks life changing - a sorrow i couldn't recover from for a long time. Time heals. Thanks

Troton · 20/01/2019 22:40

I’m so so sorry for your loss.
I haven’t been in similar circumstances myself but I couldn’t read your post and not express how sorry I am. I hope someone will be along soon who can offer you some more practical advice but I just wanted to give you a big virtual hug.

lstef · 20/01/2019 22:42

No advice but I am so sorry to read your news. Look after yourself as best you can through this difficult time xxx

elQuintoConyo · 20/01/2019 22:44

So sorry for your losses Flowers
A handhold for both of you xx

tuttifritti · 20/01/2019 22:45

So so sorry for your loss. There are no words. Pregnancy loss is such a scary, sad and lonely place. I hope your loved ones are able to give you the support you need right now and surround you with their love. Be patient with yourself as you grieve your beautiful little ones.

Tempjob · 20/01/2019 22:47

Xxx

lis02 · 20/01/2019 22:57

I am so sorry Thanks cannot imagine how you will be feeling. Thinking of you both x

Isittimeforbed · 20/01/2019 22:58

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s not clear to me if you want to have a funeral for your babies or not? The choice should be yours ... either you can arrange one privately, you can arrange one through the hospital or the hospital can arrange one that you don’t have to attend if you don’t want to. Do you have the contact details of anyone at the hospital to discuss it? TAMBA have a bereavement group for people who have lost one or all of a multiple pregnancy, PM me if you want details to join x

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 20/01/2019 22:59

I am so sorry.

I have been through this - lost DD1 at 41 weeks. I want to warn you that you may not get an explanation. We consented to the full post-mortem but nothing was found. It said she died of hypoxia (lack of oxygen), but the dr explained that that’s like saying someone died because their heart stopped. Nearly 8 years later we still have no idea what happened. That was really hard to deal with - at least if there had been something I could have been treated for, it would have felt like there was something we could do to prevent it from happening again.

Her body was released two weeks after she was born and the funeral was a week after that. The post-mortem results didn’t come back for 11 weeks. I don’t know if your hospital will be a bit more on the ball - I hope so! However, they were quite clear about funeral options and that was more or less organised before we left the hospital - the hospital chaplain sorted it all out. Did you get any guidance from anyone? I remember feeling very numb and confused but the staff led us through it.

Is your midwife still seeing you? Can she help answer some of your questions about what comes next?

Chocolatecake12 · 20/01/2019 23:00

Have you been given the number for SANDS? They are a really helpful organisation.

ReaganSomerset · 20/01/2019 23:02

So so sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

Fiddie · 20/01/2019 23:08

How absolutely heartbreaking, I'm sorry for your loss OP Thanks

missedith01 · 20/01/2019 23:12

I'm so sorry. Something like that happened to me at 19w, nine years ago. As well as writing down what happened and sharing it like you have done most touchingly here, I found it comforting to create an album (we had pictures of our son and I added other things like cards we were sent, pressed flowers from bouquets, etc). I went back to work and buried myself in it as soon as I could. We made ourselves plan some significant things for the future - although it was not what we felt like doing. Do whatever you need to do to get through the first few hours, days, weeks and time will be your friend.

Wallabyone · 20/01/2019 23:13

I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

PeaQiwiComHequo · 20/01/2019 23:13

so very sorry for your loss OP. I hope the post mortem gets answers that help you get closure.

I am sorry to say that because this happened at only 19 weeks gestation you will not be given official birth certificates or death certificates for your babies. The minimum gestation for that is 24 weeks. However, some cemeteries with a babies area will still allow you to inter the remains there. A friend of mine did this and I was privileged to be able to support her through it. she wasn't allowed to call it a funeral, have an officiant or have a headstone.

Also get in touch with SANDS who may be able to help you process your grief.

chxm19 · 20/01/2019 23:15

So sorry for your loss OP, I can't imagine it Thanks

wellwishes · 20/01/2019 23:36

I'm so sorry for ur loss Thanks

Angelmiracle · 20/01/2019 23:58

I am so sorry for the loss of your little babies. My SIL lost her identical twins at 23 weeks. As PP said no death certificate as they just missed the 24 week mark. No funeral either. But they had a burial with the priest and grandparents only. Her DH got the coffin from the undertakers and went to the hospital to collect their daughters wrapped them in their big sisters baby blanket. They decided against a post mortem as they knew from 15 weeks there was excess fluid under both twins skin and around their brain. They had all tests taken before they passed away and all came back normal for downs Edward's etc. Consultant said it was more than likely a chromosomal defect of some kind.

They had a lot of support from SANDS. I hope you get some answers and have your LOs laid to rest ❤🌹

Miami81 · 21/01/2019 03:54

I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious babies. I hope you got to spend some time with them and made some memories. Totally fine if you don't want to say but did you decide on names for them? Please share if you would like to.
We lost our dd at 27 wks in late 2017. The whole process of pm's and funerals can be very confusing. The chaplaincy service at our hospital were very helpful with this. If you feel up to it at all it is worth trying to get in touch with them. If you can't face it maybe a relative or friend could try and get in touch for you? SANDS are excellent as well and will know all the ins and outs of procedures.
It can be a long wait for results of tests, ours was like other posters around 10/11 weeks, just so that you have an idea of timings for that.
Grief is a scary beast of a thing, just try to take it as easy on yourself and partner as you can. We have received and are still getting counselling with SANDS now and it is very helpful, we wouldn't have been ready for it in those first few weeks or months though. The befrienders are wonderful people who have all been through their own awful experience of baby loss. They instantly get it and are well trained by SANDS. I am sure TAMBA have similar support available.
Please dm if you need to know anything at all or would like to speak about your babies.

Cariadxx · 21/01/2019 06:56

I am so sorry for your loss, cannot imagine how you must be feeling.

If this genius in any way, the number of paediatric pathologists in the UK is less than 10 covering all the cases, currently there is only 1 covering Bristol and south Wales so hopefully this explains the long wait for pm results, things are so specialised with babies that not just anyone can do it Flowers

Cariadxx · 21/01/2019 06:56

Helps not genius

PurpleAndTurquoise · 21/01/2019 07:02

TAMBA have a bereavement helpline that you could ring for some support. Very sorry to hear about your loss x

Merrydoula · 21/01/2019 07:08

I'm so sorry for your loss, I haven't been through exactly the same but have had an ectopic pregnancy so can appreciate how scary going into theatre can be and the feeling of loosing a pregnancy...

Take time to heal, you will feel like shit for a while but as time goes on you will start to feel positive again. X

Lizbiz89 · 21/01/2019 08:59

So sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby at 23 weeks. Similar situation in that they couldn't find a heartbeat after reduced movements. It will be a very emotional time for you and only you will know what's best for you. My partner and I decided we would travel round Europe for a few weeks to clear our heads which really helped. Then I decided I wanted to start trying again as I just wanted a healthy baby in my arms. Thankfully got pregnant with our rainbow not too long after. Be really kind to yourself and if you want any support I highly recommend sands. I also chose to see a therapist who really helped me through the hard times.

It'll be something you will never fully heal from but it will get a lot easier in time.

Sending lots of hugs your way. X

bessie84 · 21/01/2019 09:27

my heart broke for you reading this.

14 years ago i lost my girl at 41+3 - a time ill never get over

i think a few people have said, because your babies werent 24 weeks, unless you arrange a funeral yourself i dont think that will happen.

like another person said, our post mortem also took ages, was about 9 weeks. there was nothing they could find for my girl, "just one of them things" apparently (eye roll) with my blood tests they found i had severe underactive thyroid and said that couldve possibly caused it - but maybe not too. so all these years, i just dont know. so please dont expect answers, sometimes there arent any.

sending massive hugs.

i dont think theres anything anyone can say or do to help you, take a day at a time. dont be too hard on yourself. xxx