Handhold needed please - twins lost at 19 weeks (upsetting thread)

[Squiff70]

Hi everybody,

I was 19 weeks pregnant with twins, a boy and girl, who were due in early May. On Saturday 5th Jan I started bleeding. We went straight to hospital where they did a scan and found our babies had no heartbeats. We were taken to the delivery suite where they deliver babies who've passed away where they did a second confirmation scan. They told us the babies would most likely have died in the last 24-48 hours.

I was given a tablet to soften my cervix and told to go back on Monday morning to be induced, but was warned things may happen naturally at home in the meantime. I was allowed home that night but spent the night in severe pain. At 6.20am on the Sunday morning (two weeks ago today), my waters broke. We were under instruction to call 999 if this happened, so we did and we were taken back to the delivery suite as I was in established labour. The babies were delivered naturally in the three hours which followed then I was rushed to theatre for a manual removal of the placentas which weren't delivered naturally. I lost a litre of blood and had complications so have been quite unwell since. I am on the mend now though.

Since then, time has stood still. We gave consent for full post mortems because if they can possibly find out what went wrong, we want to know. It looks like we may have to have a funeral because nobody can or has told us what will happen to our son and daughter when they come back from the post mortems in a week or so.

I am still numb with shock and don't know what to do with myself. My heart is breaking and I am barely functioning. Has anyone been through anything similar who can guide us please?

Thank you so so much to everybody who has commented on this thread and offered support at this desperately sad time.

I am just so sad to read that so many of you have been through a similar harrowing experience - many of you further into your pregnancies than I was.

We had the call today so say the babies are back from the post mortem (the PM results will take about 3 months to come back) and are at the chapel of rest. The hospital have offered to organise a simple service and cremation for the babies within the next two weeks which we have decided to go ahead with after originally deciding we didn't want a funeral. We don't want a 'big fuss' but a simple ceremony sounds somehow comforting and hopefully a fitting tribute to our little son and daughter.

We haven't seen the babies yet, but since they were delivered two weeks ago I have decided I want and need to see them. My partner originally said he didn't want to see them but insists he doesn't want me to spend time with them on my own so says he wants to be there. We are going to ring and arrange this tomorrow.

Thank you again. I'm sorry it's taken me 24 hours to post again but this is very hard as I'm sure you'll understand.

Please look after yourselves, and thank you once again.

My heart breaks for you @Squiff70 I can relate to this post so much I lost my DD at 25 weeks, I had no complications up until this and found out she had died at a routine check up.. I was induced and delivered her after a 16hr labour I also had a retained placenta that had to b removed manually, she was perfect in everyway, I opted to have a post mortem and the results came back that she had heart failure.. Nothing will take ur pain away from losing ur beautiful babies but u will get stronger as time goes by, sending u a great big hug if u need to chat u can mail me anytime xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐. There are no words to ease your pain but please know you are being thought about. X

I could cry for you I don't know what that is like but my thoughts are with you xx

What a terrible thing to happen. I am so sorry. It’s beyond words.

@Squiff70, i don’t know what to say. I’m so desperately, desperately sad for you and your family.

Thinking of you. I hope you get some answers. You poor, poor thing

Thank you so much everyone for your condolences. We have to have a funeral which will take place next Thursday, 31st January. We're going to see the babies next Monday as we didn't see them when they were delivered and I need to see them.

Any ideas of what to put in the casket would be appreciated. Maybe a teddy or soft toy?

@Squiff70 in our memory box we got two identical teddies. One went with dd in her casket (after I had carried it around for a few days tucked up under my top) and the other stayed with us. I love having this.
We both wrote her letters and put them in with her. Also pictures of her family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and us.
I think they generally ask for no metal items in the crematorium but other then that you have got pretty much free reign.
I will be thinking of you all next week.

Thank you @Miami81 - we might use one of the teddies from the memory boxes. I will write a little note too and if we have time we'll put some photos in.

My sincere sympathies yo you both at this exceptionally sad and difficult time. I've had 8 miscarriages plus an ectopic and for me it's not knowing the cause of the babies hearts stopping that I find hard to deal with. I'm praying the postmortum gives you some answers. Big hugs to you!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious babies. I lost my youngest twin boy at 34w. TAMBA and SANDS are great. Does your hospital have a bereavement midwife who could give you the details of local support? My hospital gave me memories boxes for both my twins and I had counselling at a local charity too.

I felt very compelled to decide on death arrangements ASAP for my son but the hospital encouraged me to take my time. In the end we chose to have him cremated and only invited our mums to come with. I didn't feel I could cope with arranging a funeral at that point. 6 months down the line we arranged a special day for him at our house with all our loved ones. It was very low key, and we chose not to have readings or a speech but we did gather everyone round to share a toast and thank him for bringing us so much joy. We bought a tree and everyone wrote a note to him and hung it on the branches. It was a very special day.

I am sending you lots of love and strength. I will think of your babies xxxx

Thank you again to those of you who've commented. I'm really struggling at the moment. I've ordered flowers today and want to look at the babies' memory boxes and their hand and foot prints before we go to see the babies for the first and last time on Monday but my partner appears to have buried his head in the sand and I don't know how to talk to him any more.

I’m so sorry for your loss x

Squiff, sending you kind thoughts at this difficult time. I hope today went okay? I just wanted to reiterate what others have said about SANDS being a great help. We had a stillbirth at 36w in our immediate family and they offered a great deal of support to both parents. You might not be ready to engage with them yet, but when you are they will be waiting. X