My husband is an addict, can emotional distress harm my baby?

[Kath84]

Hi ladies
I've been arguing with my husband and been so upset for the past two weeks and I'm worried I'm harming our baby.
My husband has smoked skunk/weed since his mid teens and I was really hoping he'd grow out of it! Fast forward a decade together and it's still a problem, he quit for a few months and I've never seen him so happy and motivated with life but his friends and brother are chronic potheads and he's lost his way again over the Christmas period. I suffer from a condition called Endometriosis and after many years of pain and a miscarriage I'm now by a miracle 10 weeks pregnant. My husbands relapse has made him moody again, lie and absent more, I worry because he drives after smoking and prefers to be out till late smoking than be home. He's now told me he's going Amsterdam for a boys trip and I'm so upset. Am I being unreasonable? I'm worried the 3 day binge will make him worse with his addiction, I'm hurt that he knows it will upset me yet doesn't seem to care, we need the money for baby when it comes yet he says it's his money. I feel really worried that I'm going to be so alone in this pregnancy. Some of you are probably thinking it's just weed or I got with him when he was a smoker but addiction to anything (and weed is illegal) causes problems and he always said he would and could quit. I love him and want to naturally believe the best in him but I have a feeling deep down I'm fighting a losing battle. His father is a drug addict as is his brother and cousin and most of his friends. I feel so lonely and upset and I'm scared these negative emotions will harm our growing baby? Any advice on what i can do to cope with this situation?
TIA x

First of the arguing won't help no it won't damage your baby but it certainly wont help.

People grow up and change yes you knew he smoked but you are a adult now and your opinions and views change ... he has not grown up and proving this by not distancing himself from the issue here.

They do become liars its a addiction.
I have been in this position before the only thing you can do here is give them the ultimatum it stops or your leaving him.

Im not trying to scare you here but i know a man who attacked his 2 week old baby and one year old daughter cause he ran out of weed broke one year olds arm and baby is brain dead completley comotosed.

Would you trust a man that addicted around your baby.

Tell him to leave tell him he's got 3 month to sort himself out and if he doesn't he isn't getting back.

Thank you Courtney for taking your time to reply means a lot because I feel very lonely right now. He doesn't have a violent bone in him but being on any drug when a father I know is a total let down and I will want to protect my baby from anything bad in this world. I've given ultimatums I've genuinely lost count, weed always wins in the end! He seems to think he needs Amsterdam and then he will quit again but I already know that's a load of bs! I will give another ultimatum but I don't need mystic meg to tell me the outcome. Thank you so much again x

I don't think you're being unreasonable At ALL, I wouldn't see it as "just weed" it'd be a relationship breaker for me too but tbh I'd be like that about excessive drinking and even cigarette smoking-the health issues aside Id not be prepared to throw £12 a 20 pack (price of fags) down the drain especially when I had baby to provide for and it absolutely stinks, not to mention that I wouldn't have someone who had been smoking holding my baby without changing-I sound extreme I know, my parents smoke and I have a huge aversion to it since living in a smokers household as a child. Plus I can't believe the cost of it.

Anyway, You need reliable and stable and he doesn't sound prepared to be that right now. I'd tell him how you feel and if he persists without any effort to make changes then you have your answer. I hope you're OK.x

I agree, don't think you're being unreasonable at all. This must be a really tough situation to be in and like a previous poster said, it would be a deal breaker for me too (although easier said than done when you're not in that situation). I do think he needs to know exactly how you feel. It would really bother me too if be was putting this lifestyle choice / money etc before me and the baby.

Good luck, I hope you manage to sort it x

This man wasn't violent eithet hun he fliped one moment because he got beat at a computer game what contributed as he had no weed.

but him choosing weed before you and his baby would be a dealbreaker for me.

you said you have gave him the ultimatum before have you acctually left and stuck to it and told him he's not getting back anywhere near you or your child until he is clean and then if he goes back to it he would be finished completely no second chances.

You need to stand your ground here hun as he's not making you number one.

Bloody amsterdam i would have put him out there and then lol x

Considering this is your husband and not just a short term boyfriend, I don't think its fair to expect you to just "put him out". Nor do i think scare-mongering about one mans extreme psychological problems and blaming it entirely on the fact he ran out of weed to this woman is helpful in the slightest. Please take a moment to consider that you do not know this man at all.

All I'm trying to say, is that perhaps having a proper conversation and explaining how it makes you feel, and what you'd hope to expect from him as a father WITHOUT nagging and moaning about him being an "addict" - have a heart to heart. Do you even know what is driving him to feel the need to escape and relax to such an extent by using cannabis? I know there is a possibility that he does just enjoy it recreationally, but there could be an underlying issue here.

I do not smoke it, never have. But if my DH had an addiction, to alcohol, weed, anything, yes it would upset me but I would at least try to work through it with him.

Why would you marry someone who is an addict and from a family of addicts? Let alone have a baby with them?

Leave him.

well done on bringing a baby into an addicts life.

You need to ditch the husband and concentrate on being a parent. He's a loser who will make your life miserable as well as skint.

Stop giving ultimatums if you have no intention of going through with them.

Thank you for your comments I think? I know when I'm honest and write my concerns I have to be open to all sorts of comments but the one from DVG that's just plain judging and no advice what so ever I could never be so mean to someone!
Lilpeach thank you for your constructive advice and taking the time to write it I really appreciate it x

DGV - Oh, I'm sure you're just the epitome of an ANGEL and your baby's life is PERFECT. Don't come here to make other people feel bad about having a child. This is supposed to be a forum for support, not opinionated, rude comments.

I love how everyone reads the word addict and immediately imagines OPs hubby being like something off of Trainspotting. eye rolling emoji.

You all clearly watch too many soap operas/read too many cheap "life stories" magazines. You don't just boot your husband - the father of your child, because they themselves are struggling. You are not a cotton-wrapped angel of light and purity because you are pregnant. You still have a duty of care to your husband, addict or not. I understand the need to protect the life that hasn't arrived into this world yet, but a man that smokes a bit of weed is hardly the villain of the century. I would even go as far as to say you shouldn't fixate on it so much, and perhaps once baby is here his priorities will change entirely. I believe that attempting to work through it is far more important - your child will have two loving parents and you will have someone to help and support you when baby is here.

I am in no way encouraging drug use by saying this, but for some, smoking pot gives them the same relaxation and mental reward as a lot of you get from having a large glass of wine/G&T after work. While one is legal and the other is not, they are just as detrimental to health and addiction to either is entirely possible. But you wouldn't divorce your husband if he spent every evening at the pub, would you?

For a lot of individuals, marijuana is pleasurable, reinforcing and reliable. If you’re talking about someone who has a chaotic home situation, someone who isn’t doing well in school, who isn’t getting praise for good school performance, those people may be at higher risk to use marijuana and to have problems with it.5

• Gantt Galloway, executive and research director of the New Leaf Treatment Center

Long message - apologies. But it pains me to see the lack of constructive support being offered here for you.

I’m sorry to read about this. It can’t be a coincidence that your pregnancy follows his ‘clean’ period of improved health. It’s a tough one as many men do go through a period of anxiety about impending fatherhood which has no doubt contributed to his relapse but may be temporary. Does he realise he has a problem or does he think it’s still something he can take or leave? Can you look into/afford counselling for him as this may help him make the realisation & give him motivation to quit permanently? I think also he knows the ultimatums have no follow through so you might have to be prepared to leave (if temporarily - can you stay with relatives or friends?). Good luck x

You’re talking nonsense lilpeach! You have absolutely no idea what it’s like to living with an addict. Yes, of course the op needs to protect herself and unborn child from this addict, who only has his own best interests at heart. He won’t change and things will only get worse.

You absolutely don’t have a “duty of care” to your husband in the way you seem to think you do.
You can’t cure the addiction.
You must put you and your baby first.
Plan an exit strategy.

My intention was not to scare the OP but to let her know his behaviour is far from ideal with a baby on the way.

I know what weed is like im not buttoned up the back i smoked it in my younger days regrettably but was not addicted and when i found out i was pregnant it was stopped immediately as i had my childs best intrests at heart as yes i work and suffer mental health problems so i could have used the weed as a pitty party for myself but where would that leave my children in care ?

All i did was explain the risks to her of what could potentially happen ... you'll know yourself with the way your talking people can smoke weed for years without paranoia etc it creeps in eventually when your brain can't take anymore.

I think if we were meant to shuv our bodys full of chemicals they would have been invented with a big sign saying take me !! Thats another topic altogether though

You're all acting like he sits and smokes crack in the room with her. Using cannabis is not the same as class A addiction, which is why is has a lower classification and is legal in many countries. Plainly over reacting, clearly none of you have much life experience outside of your front rooms in front of your tellies.

I will say it again, it is no better or worse than your husband enjoying a drink a little too much but that is probably the case for a lot of you, so naturally would argue with me about it.

I do know what it is like Starfish, you don't know anything about me or my life. OR the OPs, yet you're all happy to advise that she cause loads more stress to herself by moving/splitting with him/bringing up baby alone. When there is a possibility of him, and a high one (excuse the pun) as with cannabis, the life-time dependancy risk is much lower than substances such as alcohol, heroine etc.

If my OH was struggling mentally, emotionally and being that I AM pregnant right now, I would not leave him. I would support him. The trouble with putting so many women together on one platform is you get this superior mentality that drives me nuts. YES we are amazing, life-giving, mothers who have the unbelievably difficult, risky, life-changing task of carrying a baby but that does not mean that we must run a mile at the sign of any problem. Especially as running said mile is extremely detrimental to baby and OPs health due to the stress.

He smokes skunk.
He’s happier and more motivated when he stops.
He lies and drives when stoned.
He’s staying out late to smoke. Leaving his pg OH at home.
He’s spending money they will need for a baby on an illegal drunk.
Hardly comparable to a glass of wine.
And I would say LTB to someone whose DH’s alcohol problem impacted his life as much as this man’s weed problem is.
OP and her child deserve better.

Also its not just the mental damage to the op but to the baby seeing there dad stoned out his face everyday and stinking of smoke with no say in the matter potentially breathing it in everyday sitting in the fumes etc... yea im sorry i wouldn't want that for my child i understand its her husband and she loves him but theres got to be a line.

I meant to say a high possibility he will kick the habit*

missed it out whilst getting wound up. Cannabis happens to be a plant and not a chemical, by the way.

I am happy my OH doesn't smoke it, but he certainly enjoys a drink. I would never consider leaving him because of it, or if he smoked pot. As long as he looked after me, my baby and loved us, it wouldn't matter to me. Getting all high and mighty about something you know little or nothing about is really quite silly. Recommend doing some research, or realising just how many happy relationships there are even with the presence of the wicked, evil devils lettuce.

He’s smoked for years. Who says he will kick the habit? He doesn’t seem inclined to do so.
Would I dump my husband for enjoying a glass of wine of an evening? No. Would I dump him if he used alcohol or any drug to an extent that it affected the family? Too bloody right I would.
Drink in moderation? Fine.
Spending money they need on weed and staying out at all hours? Nope.
I have higher standards.

I grew up with a parent using cannabis and am happy to report that I am a bright, caring, normal individual and that I love, respect and appreciate said parent to this very day. It did not affect my up-bringing nor my development.

I know what cannabis is btw if you read my post ;)

It still alters the brains normal functioning slowly killing the brain cells one by one but yes that's a great place for a baby to be sitting in getting high if his fumes .

You don't need to tell me about drugs I've came across more than enough addicts in my life time some very close and you know what i said the same with them smoking a fag and weed infront of there kids.

Or indeed being pissed out there head while in the care of a baby.

I grew up with addicts of sibilings some not all of them and it was a embarrassment i took them in got them of said drugs got them a job for them to go back to it and have there kids removed because they did not put there kids first !

The problem isn't him having a relaxing joint every now and then the problem is the constant smoking of and wasting there money with a baby on the way plus him leaving her on her own all the time going on holidays to get stoned.

He seems like someone who will really step up to the plate theres more risk to her child staying than there is leaving even if so only emotional damage knowing her and her baby will never come first.

Kath, I want to reiterate that I do not think you are being unreasonable for being worried. His actions do seem very selfish and of course things need to be done in your relationship for you and your babies sake. But I do feel strongly that divorce shouldn't be the first option. And that perhaps it isn't only the weed smoking that needs looking at. Perhaps you both could do with a couples therapy session or even just some time to reconnect romantically? I don't think fighting fire with fire will work here.

It doesn't look good, OP, especially with nearly everyone he knows being into weed.
It looks very likely he'll keep using it and will prioritise spending on weed before other expenses, bills etc.
Does he take responsibility for household spending now, or do you do it?