My husband is an addict, can emotional distress harm my baby?

[Kath84]

Hi ladies
I've been arguing with my husband and been so upset for the past two weeks and I'm worried I'm harming our baby.
My husband has smoked skunk/weed since his mid teens and I was really hoping he'd grow out of it! Fast forward a decade together and it's still a problem, he quit for a few months and I've never seen him so happy and motivated with life but his friends and brother are chronic potheads and he's lost his way again over the Christmas period. I suffer from a condition called Endometriosis and after many years of pain and a miscarriage I'm now by a miracle 10 weeks pregnant. My husbands relapse has made him moody again, lie and absent more, I worry because he drives after smoking and prefers to be out till late smoking than be home. He's now told me he's going Amsterdam for a boys trip and I'm so upset. Am I being unreasonable? I'm worried the 3 day binge will make him worse with his addiction, I'm hurt that he knows it will upset me yet doesn't seem to care, we need the money for baby when it comes yet he says it's his money. I feel really worried that I'm going to be so alone in this pregnancy. Some of you are probably thinking it's just weed or I got with him when he was a smoker but addiction to anything (and weed is illegal) causes problems and he always said he would and could quit. I love him and want to naturally believe the best in him but I have a feeling deep down I'm fighting a losing battle. His father is a drug addict as is his brother and cousin and most of his friends. I feel so lonely and upset and I'm scared these negative emotions will harm our growing baby? Any advice on what i can do to cope with this situation?
TIA x

OP is 10 weeks pregnant. Leaving her on her own for 3 days isn't worthy of such scorn. Maybe he wants one last hurrah before he knocks it on the head! You all have such cut and run mentality when it comes to men on here, sheesh.

No. We just choose not to be with men who think spending their cash on illegal drugs is more important than their family.

Unfortunately, the weed was there before the family. So whilst he has some work to do to kick it, even if it isn't likely to be illegal in this country much longer due to it being fairly safe to use, he does deserve the time and patience for him to TRY.

This isn't about you.

You all have such cut and run mentality when it comes to men on here, sheesh.

Some of us have seen what addiction can do to families. Yes, I’d leave if my husband had an addiction he couldn’t/wouldn’t get under control. Not because I think I’m perfect and superior, but because however much I love him the children would need to come first.

Heavy use affects mental health.
I don’t care if it’s legal. I don’t want someone getting stoned around my kid. I don’t want a father for them who would rather spend his money on drugs than his kid. I wouldn’t trust him not to take drugs then drive and cause an accident.
This isn’t occasional and casual use. It’s dependance and detrimental to the family. If you can’t see that then maybe your upbringing had more of an effect on you than you’d like to admit.

That is all I'm going to say on the matter, the stress of this conversation probably isn't doing my baby any good either!

Just bear in mind my words and try not to get too involved with the weedy witch hunt. Do follow your heart and do what you feel is best for you and baby. If that means leaving, good for you. If that means staying a family, good for you too.

Good luck, Kath.

Nothing to do with men ... just wouldn't be putting up with this type of man who clearly doesn't give a rats ass about his pregnant OH.

The OP herself knows this isn't ideal to bring a baby into or she wouldn't have asked i am in no way saying she is to blame... i am just stating she has to lay all cards on the table here as he clearly doesn't want to change.

Kath84 there are lots of resources out there to help him if he wants to quit. It might be very difficult for him to do by himself even if he really really wants to, especially with the family history of addiction. But if he really wants to kick it and is prepared to try something different then there is support out there, he can Google for local resources or speak to his GP.

Although, Wolfie, that last line was bitchy to say the least! You act like this man is Bob Marley or something haha. Get over yourself, and realise that smoking a bit of weed isn't going to harm anyone. If you have trust issues with men, thats your concern.

And now I leave.

It’s not a bit of weed.
Bob Marley was talented. This man doesn’t seem to be that.

Man, such passion for druggies on this thread.

OP he's a loser and your child will either end up a stoner or ashamed of him and his druggie family. There's rarely a middle ground.

Heavy weed users are selfish, you'd be better off binning him off and doing damage control.

Honestly if weed was legal I wouldn’t stress about the odd smoke. Like I wouldn’t stress about the odd drink.
That’s not what we’re talking about here.

@lilpeach I'm not sheltered I do know people who smoke too much weed, quite frankly I don't know grown adult that smokes it that isn't a mess and hasn't been/isn't into worse also so maybe that's why my opinions are particularly intolerant, that said I did say she should tell him how she feels and give him a chance. It is not unreasonable or over the top to not be able to tolerate your husband spending money that you need for your new baby on a weed binge in Amsterdam. Back to the letting him enjoy his drugs because you have a duty of care to him to let him be relaxed 🙄, it's firstly illegal, a money pit, it stinks and he is not her child she's supposed to be his equal and respected. If he was sorry, wanted to change his habits, didn't call it "his money" and wasn't making her feel sad then I'd agree I'd be right by his side but this isn't the case. As for likening revolting stinking illegal drugs to the odd g&t.... Wow. For the record I'd say someone who has an alcohol addiction too would need to accept help and if they refused to at least try to get their act together then you couldn't fairly bring a baby up with that either.

Lilpeach you seem to think everyone of us has issues with men ?

I think we're pretty rational with saying that if it was our men and they had the chance to correct it and didn't they would be out.

Nothing to do with men as i said i know ladies that got there kids removed because they couldn't quit.. not putting there kids first its you that has got a vendetta out about men being addicts.

This is heavy weed use how much a day around £40 I'd say that is nappys milk and wipes plus more for a baby.

The baby will grow up to be embarrassed or yes believe its a normal way of life.
Probably not contribute and degrade the mother same way as the father does.

Personally op i would run for the hills tell him he has 3 month no longer and if he's not clean your done you won't be waiting about any longer.

And if he is clean and comes back then goes back on it your done.

To answer your initial question: in my opinion yes it can. Read about the effects cortisol on a fetus from a basic Google search.
If it is stressing you, try to find a solution, whatever suits you and your baby best.
Ps congratulations

I don't think it's the weed that's his problem here. I think it's the blatant disregard for you and his unborn child. Don't blame the weed for the fact that your DP is selfish and a man child. I have friends who are parents and smoke weed but they are certainly not addicts and could easily never do it again. I don't see any of them behaving in the ways that you describe. They don't drive under the influence. They don't get moody. They don't go off on weed holidays. They don't have "your money and my money" arguments with their partners.

Frankly I think you have bigger problems than weed - that's just a scapegoat. I'd quit with the ultimatums - they obviously don't work. Either because he doesn't care or you can't stick to them. Just move out. He'll either shape up or carry on doing his own thing. Either way, you'll be better off and so will your baby.

I have the just caught up with all the messages, I can see the passion and being totally against weed myself I guess you can see why I initially was worried about the stress on my little one.

Will try to answer some questions. Yes he does work full time and is committed to paying our mortgage and bills I can't fault him on that. He does give me time but when he goes into this mode of smoking he is absent also as I won't tolerate it near me or in our home. I don't want to give up on him as he has quit 3 times for long periods but then he goes back to it which I think shows he wants to but it's a problem. He is selfish right now and driving me mental but I know that's him protecting the weed. I know in some countries it's legal but whether it be class A, class C or alcohol which is legal once a person's addicted I think that's the problem. His dad's example hasn't helped, his brother also contributes to the relapsing but he does have some decent loving members of his family too. He's not a complete monster I promise! Just being a real selfish plonka and I know him I know it's a problem he genuinely struggles with but now I'm pregnant it's time to grow up as baby will come before him or me. Some of you have suggested counselling I think that's a great idea! One of you said congratulations:) thankyou! - I know I haven't painted a great picture but I will be the best mum I can be! I honestly respect all your opinions thankyou x