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Original poster

Anyone else 'planning' a solo labour?

34 replies

agnesnitt · 28/06/2007 23:40

Hello...

I'm due in about three weeks, and due to varying issues it looks like I will be labouring on my own.

In some ways this bothers me, but in others it doesn't.

My midwife suggested I have a doula, but I don't feel there's enough time for me to get to know one enough to want to go through labour with one. I don;t have any friends I feel close enough to to have them with me either. I'm not willing to have a family member there as it will be far too stressful. There's always the paternal type of course, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject with him.

So, anyone else done it alone before? Planning to? Just want to tell me I'm psychotic?

Agnes

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Ellbell · 28/06/2007 23:55

Hello Agnes

I haven't laboured on my own. Dh was with me when I had dd2 (and dd1 was an elective section, so a whole different thing). However, I have written on here before about how, if it was up to me and me alone, I'd have liked to have laboured on my own. It's not that my dh was rubbish, or 'in the way', or that I didn't want him to be there. I was happy for him that he got to see his dd being born. But I just felt that in labour I really 'went inside myself' and I really didn't want to be touched or spoken to or even to have people around me at all most of the time. I didn't have pain relief (apart from things like sitting in the bath) and I just felt that people coming and 'doing stuff to me' was intrusive. I don't know if that makes any sense at all... It was as if labour was between me and my baby, and everyone else was irrelevant. Towards the very end (I was pushing for over 2 hours) I did get a bit exhausted and start to need the midwife telling me that I was making progress and that my baby would be born soon and that kind of thing, but for most of the labour I'd have been really happy to have been left well alone.

However, I do understand that it's one thing me saying that I'd have been happy to have been on my own, but actually having a supportive dh around, and something quite different making this decision because you don't feel you have any other option. However, if it's any help, I for one don't think you're mad to consider it.

On the other hand, it is possible that I am a weirdy freak. I do know lots of other people who find the help of a birthing partner (doula, family member, partner, whoever) to be invaluable.

Hope this helps and doesn't just confuse you more!

easywriter · 28/06/2007 23:59

Agnes, I returned from my pregnancy yoga class tonight where our teacher told us about how doula's began (I'll bore you with it only if you want to know) but all you need to gain the significant desired effect of pain relief and calm is a woman (whether you kow them from Adam or not) in the room who behaves calmly.

I don't know if this helps but I hope so.

Ellbell · 29/06/2007 00:02

Just add that a good friend of mine who is a lone parent had a doula and had a wonderful experience.

(I really am a weirdy freak! )

easywriter · 29/06/2007 00:08

You're not a weirdy freak Ellbell. We alldo it differently.

Agnes, I didn't make it clear, the woman doesn't actually need to pay you any attention whatsoever for you to feel the benefits so if you are like Ellbell, it'll not get on your wig.

Ellbell · 29/06/2007 00:14

, easywriter!

MrsScavo · 29/06/2007 00:15

At one point it looked at if I might have to do this, as we had no childcare for DS's.

I got around it by refusing to be induced, and having DD at home. I knew if I was transfered to hostpital I would be on my own.

Mind you, DH was never much use when I was in labour, I just really wanted him to share the experience.

I think having a doula would be a really good idea, if you can aford one, though.

zookeeper · 29/06/2007 00:18

I haven't read the other posts but I would have someone, even if it's a member of your family waiting outside the room. You can feel very vulnerable and may be glad of someone familiar.

fingerwoman · 29/06/2007 00:19

If you'd like someone there I don't think that 3 weeks is that short a time to get to know a doula.
after all, it's 3 weeks longer than you'll have known the midwife who'll have her hand up your fanjo

aikigypsy · 29/06/2007 00:39

I'm still not sure about this myself. I think that not having a labour coach/partner/doula would be just fine, I don't know that I'll want to communicate much with anyone anyway. I mean, what EllBell said made a lot of sense to me. But, this is my first, and I think it would be nice to have the option of support, so when an acquaintance of mine volunteered to help, I said she'd be welcome to. This is a woman who's had 7 kids herself and attended 5 other births, and when I was in the hospital for something else she was really a fantastic help, so I'm pretty confident about her.

So I think it's OK to do it alone, but if someone happens along who offers support and you think might help, go for it.

twoplusone · 29/06/2007 07:44

agnesnitt,
I was wondering how you were doing..

I dont really know what to suggest..

When I had DD (she was an elective c-section) i was going on my own as I had no one to come with me.. But at the last minute one of the mw got a friend (whom I had made in hospital had been in for 8weeks at this point) who was visitng her twins in special care., to come in with me so I didnt have to do it alone..

I was so thankful in the end to have someone there with me..

I really feel for you having to do this by yourself.. Are you sure you will be ok if you are by yourself..

Take care hun
xx

reindeermum · 29/06/2007 10:28

I totally agree with Ellbell - to be honest what use is it having a man there anyway? I am expecting my 4th child - my dh was at 2 of the births of my children and he just annoyed me - for the last one I even made him turn round and face the wall while I was at the pushing bit as I did not want him there at all.

When I had my 2nd child it was just me and the midwife in the room and this felt much better and like it should be. In most other cultures (and animals) the men stay well out of the way and I think there is a lot of pressure on us now as everyone expects your partner to share the "magical moment" which is rubbish as the actual birthing is quite gruesome (sorry to be negative there).

So when I have child 4 in Sept, I am planning for dh to drop me off at delivery then go back home to look after the other children where he will be far more use! Don't worry - the midwives are there to look after you so you will not be on your own, and they are really the best people to help you in labour aren't they?

Spider · 29/06/2007 10:37

I liked labouring on my own. DH was around but I had to tell him to make himself scarce, I could easily have done without him tbh. What's more I think getting someone to come and be with you, when you're not convinced it's a good idea, could be really counter productive.

It'll be really special and you may feel very empowered.

Good luck.

wizdom · 29/06/2007 13:17

Your message has ousted me from lurking

I was alone when I had my dd in 2004, all of my family including ex dh were in the UK. I was living with ds in France. There were people I could have phoned to be with me if I'd have wanted but chose not too. Nobody else could do it for me, so didn't see the point.

Looking back, probably the only time I wished there was somebody else around was in the few hours afterwards when I wanted to show off my new baby, someone to share the tears of joy with.

Currently 36+5 wks with dd2 and have given dp strict instructions that he can hang around outside the delivery suite, I'll yell for him when its all over.

lulumama · 29/06/2007 13:20

labouring alone is fine as long as you are genuinely happy about it !!

if by your circumstances you are alone, and happy to have no birth partner, then that is fine, just make sure you have a way to get to hospital once labour is underway

where in the country are you?

CarGirl · 29/06/2007 13:23

mmmmmm dh just sat and read a book by the bed and let me get on with it (which I was happy for him to do but want him to be there for the actual birth bit), I wrote on my birth notes that I wanted the midwives to be my partner not that they did much either IYSWIM. I too just go into myself and was very happy sitting on a birthing ball with my tens machine and the gas & air and dh was very useful for carry the bags. HTH

feb · 29/06/2007 13:25

i had dp and midwife with me. they were laughing and joking and i just wanted to scream at them to get out! like ellbell i 'went inside myself' and wanted quiet and darkness.

perhaps you could get someone to go to the hospital with you but wait outside the room so you can call them in if you change your mind.

katepol · 29/06/2007 13:49

Hiya Agnes

I go into myself in labour, so with no's 2 and 3, I asked everyone to leave the room (I was at home), and said I would call when I needed them.

With no 3, I called when the head was crowning...

I prefer not to have anyone around, especially not watching me, nor trying to engage me.

Hwr, that is me. Many people like to have someone familiar there and it might be that a doula would be a good choice for you. They tend to be lovely women, or they wouldn't be doulas, and I reckon you have time to bond before newbie arrives...

I think there is something about sharing the post birth time though that is very important...

Good luck!

MrsScavo · 29/06/2007 15:03

I went in to labour during the evening,and sent DH to bed, as I thought there was no point in the two of us being tired the next day. I spent most of my labour in the dark, bouncing on a birthing ball. I only woke DH up when I wanted him to phone the midwife. It hadn't ocured to me to call the midwife any earlier. The midwife arived at 3.30am, and DD was born at 4.20am, so I actually spent most of the labour alone.

Having someone wait outside the room sounds like a perfect compromise, knowing they're are there if you need them. Do you know anyone with a huge amount of patience who has the time to spare? It would be such an honour to be asked to do something like that.

Miaou · 29/06/2007 21:13

Hi Agnes, I'm planning on having this baby without dh there (we've just moved house and don't have familiar enough childcare, particularly for ds who is not quite two). I'm not worried about it - I have always enjoyed sharing the experiences of giving birth with dh but obviously his role is limited to him letting me squeeze his hand and tbh a midwife can do that! I will be more relaxed knowing our other three children are being cared for than I would be if dh was with me and the dc's were with relative strangers. The hospital have told me that I can/will have one-to-one m/w care whilst there (unless I choose not to) - I'm lucky to live in an area where that's possible I guess.

That said, I am going to ask next week if it is possible for the dc's to come in with us and stay in the TV room with dh, so dh can pop in and out, and also all will be on hand straight afterwards (which is when I feel I am more likely to want the support/cuddles etc).

Not sure if this helps, but you are not alone in considering doing it alone .

Original poster
agnesnitt · 29/06/2007 22:12

Thanks for all the thoughts. My problem is this has been an angry sort of pregnancy, and I feel that if I have anyone with me I'm just going to feel even more antagonised than I usually am.

My ex-partner has shown no interest at all in the pregnancy, although he loves our other child to pieces.

I think that I may well be best off doing it alone, I'm certain I don't want family there and I think anything else is just going to make me grumpy.

Care for my daughter is sorted, I can phone one of two numbers and have somebody here within half an hour.

I like the idea of the dark and a bouncing ball, might even fill my mp3 player with tunes so I don't have to listen to myself either

Agnes

OP posts:
CarGirl · 30/06/2007 13:05

I really think labouring on your own could be fab. I'll be honest the good bit about having dh there was being able to crack jokes with him whilst on the gas and air but other than that I was happy to be there on my own with the gas and air, tens machine and the birthing ball!!!!

j20baby · 30/06/2007 13:23

agness - its posssible i might end up alone, as my friend is meant to be my birth partner, but she may have problems with childcare, and my mum isn't much good usually, but then i think, at the time, i would be great to have someone there encouraging me and telling me everything will be ok.

are you really ok with being on your own? i was on my own for a large portion of dd's birth and it was quite lonely. are you not close to anyone that could be there for you?

foxybrown · 30/06/2007 13:32

I think you'll be fine on your own if that's what you want. Don't forget you'll have your MW with you who will support you, and you may find that you focus all the more on the job in hand.

Yes, I think its a good idea to have someone waiting close by if you can if you need anything. But if not, make sure you are well prepared on the practical side of things (drinks etc).

I've done it with friends as birth partners and DP not around, with a friend and DP close by, and with DP actually at the delivery. This time round he's going to be supporting me through labour, but I'm delivering on my own (with the MW) and that's what I'm most comfortable with.

I wish you all the best of luck with yours

foxybrown · 30/06/2007 13:34

Are you planning a hospital or homebirth?

Original poster
agnesnitt · 01/07/2007 21:56

Hospital birth on advice of midwife.

No complications expected, but they'd like to be near some medical types should they be needed.

I'm coming round tot he idea of doing it alone, and I plan to have a good book with me should I have the time or the inclination to read it.

Thanks for the thoughts everyone

Agnes

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