Second child guilt

[cm21]

Just wondering if anyone else is experiencing these feelings of guilt. My DS has just turned 2 and I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my second DS. Every time I look at my first born son I get overwhelming feelings of guilt.

Usually when we get some alone, quiet time and are cuddled up on the sofa I realise I'm about to change his whole life and he has no say or control.

I feel guilty he won't get as much 1-1 time and that I'll be so busy caring for a newborn I worry if I'll forget he needs me to.

I only found out the babies gender a few days ago which only added to these feelings of guilt. I am now worried because I'm having another boy this will make him feel even more pushed out.

Also I'm worried friends and family will fuss over the baby where as he's used to all the attention.

In a nutshell I just feel bad for him, I look at his little face and it brings me to tears that I'm about to flip his tiny little world upside down.

Anyone else feeling like this? Am I being slightly over dramatic? And would love advice from people who have already had their second child.

Hello what you are feeling is completely normal there was 19 months between my oldest two and it hurt but they are both boys and are very close.

i have a third boy who's turned one in November and im almost 7 month pregnant it brings me to tears thinking how young he is but i know he will still be my baby and still get the attention he needs especially when baby is sleeping.

You will be fine and your boy knows you love him just shower him with loads of cuddles and kisses and snuggly time watching his programmes xxx

He will absolutely adore growing up alongside his new brother. As do mine. You're giving him a new best friend

Ah op had this it’s horrible but totally normal, My DS 3 has autism so I was really concerned how baby number two would effect him, i remember him coming to visit his new sister in hospital, he looked about 45 years old next to her, I cried as he looked a bit lost and he left with Granny with a look on his face as of to say are you not coming mum, saying that since coming home it’s been pretty smooth tbh, he’s besotted with his sister, I find getting him involved really helps, helping feed, bath, nappies etc he thinks he’s the bees knees showing her the ropes, he got more attention if anything from visitors / family they all bought him a big bro gift ( I hadn’t asked) initially he went off his food and started wanting me to sit with him in bed at bedtime but that’s settled, after a few weeks with new baby it will be difficult to recall a time when it was just him, he will be ok, it hurts you more I’m convinced x

Not much help really, but I have twins and felt guilty that I couldn’t give them one on one attention like I would’ve done if I’d had them one by one, to the point of being in tears multiple times feeling like I’ve somehow failed them. That’s all in my head though, they love having a ready made play mate and get up to all sorts of mischief together, and if I go out with just one of them they keep looking for the other.

I’m 3 years old than my sister, and she’s the best thing since sliced bread, and I’d hate my life without her. Apparently when she was born I used to rush around trying to mother her!

Just make time for your older one where possible. Apparently I became a total daddy's girl after my sister was born because mum had no time for me! Did me no harm in the long run though.

Completely normal. I spent pretty much my whole second pregnancy in tears because of this! And not going to lie, the first 6 months while you all adjust is going to be tough... but the gift of a sibling for your little boy will be so so worth it. Be kind on yourself, don't put too much pressure to be the perfect mum of 2 overnight, as it's a huge learning curve. Mine have the same age gap as yours and now at 4 and almost 2, they are the best of friends and life is finally getting easy again! Having them close together means, once you're through that first tough bit where the both need you alot, (but for entirely different things), you'll find that the babies needs and toddlers needs start to become more similar, and things become loadddds easier. Now mine like the same toys, tv programmes, days out, eat at the same times, bath together, entertain eachother for HOURS on end, and I feel I'm reaping the rewards for getting through the first 6 months of 2 under 2.5. They even have a communal sock drawer for them now (it's the ultimate reward for having 2 of the same gender with a small age gap!😂) My advice would be to implement little changes now thst will mean it isn't such a huge adjustment to your ds1 when ds2 is born. Things like letting dad do bath time/bed time (if he doesn't already) as there will be times that baby will want and need only you, and if toddler is used to daddy's way of doing things, it eases the guilt. My oh started taking dd1 on lots of little outings just the two of them, to strengthen their bond, and it really took the pressure off me having to do everything for both of them when dd2 cane along, as she was quite happy for daddy to be there for her. Also make sure you tell visitors to make a huge fuss of ds1 when they come to visit. My visitors all did this, didn't even acknowledge baby until they'd said hello to her and had a little play with her. She was always so excited to have guests over as we didn't get out much in the early days (c section) so it was nice to see guests acting like they'd came just to see her, even when I could tell they were itching to cuddle the baby. We ordered lots of little gifts online for her as well, just silly little cheap toys, sticker books, figures etc, as we have alot of family and friends abroad sending gifts for baby, and didn't want her to feel left out, and she loved getting her own post! A new 99p sticker book in the post made those lonnngggg afternoons alot easier to handle. We also bought her a big present from the baby which she opened when she came to meet her sister in hospital for the first time. Which helped as when they helped she just wanted to cuddle me and I was post surgery and trying to breastfeed but obviously didn't want her to feel pushed out straight away so the distraction of a present was brilliant. I'd suggest getting some of those crayons magic colouring books too, as if you're trapped under a sleeping baby they're a godsend as no worries about them getting pen on the sofa, and they always enjoy it. We had a little "nursing basket" full of little things she could only play with when I was breastfeeding, so it made me sitting with the baby a positive thing. Some of the orchard games can be played one handed with a baby on your lap, and really appeal to 2 years upwards so would be great for your lb. Plus once she got the hang of the games she loved the responsibility of setting up the game as mummy was stuck with baby, so meant I didn't have to lift a finger. I also put a box of emergency snacks and drinks somewhere in the living room and not mention it or tell her where it was (as she'd raid it if she knew) and then if I was stuck with baby and she suddenly needed a snack I didn't have the guilt of that on top. I'd give her clues to find the treasure basket, and she'd be overjoyed when she found it and brought it over to share (snacks for you too!!) I'd then restock and hide it somewhere else for another emergency! Your first will love you so much for giving him the gift of a brother, my eldest tells me her little sister is her favourite person in the world and it makes me want to cry! It opens up a whole new world of parenting, when you're watching your babies interact. I can't quite describe it, but it is amazing, and totally worth all the stress and worry!!

Completely normal but honestly a sibling will be the best gift to your oldest. I still get the guilt now (mine are 2 and 4) and a couple of times recently I’ve had a few hours 1:1 time with each one. Whilst they’ve enjoyed it they’ve always been so happy to come home to their sibling and have had the biggest cuddles for them after just a few hours apart,

I felt like this. Exactly like this. And it all worked out fine - my DDs are genuinely the best of friends and DD1 cannot imagine being an only child! My advice, for what it’s worth, is to make your DS1 the focus wherever you can. He’s the “big brother”; he gets to introduce “his” little brother to friends, relatives etc. Try to keep his routine as normal as possible and tag the baby along with that where you can (rather than the other way round). Lots of praise for being a good big brother etc etc.

I feel very similar, compounded I think by the fact I do not get on with my siblings and never have.

This was also an unplanned and initially unwanted pregnancy so I do feel very guilty. DS has become much more clingy and keeps asking me not to go away, which makes me feel worse as I'm going to have to go in to hospital.

I was similarly worried (DC1 and DC2 are both boys, 2 years apart). I picked up a few tips on here, eg if DC1 is annoyed by the loud crying baby then validate those feelings by saying things like, “Oh dear, the baby is so noisy!”. I did this and was surprised at how pleased DC1 was that I ‘agreed’ with him! We also got special DVDs for feeding, so whenever the baby needed a feed DC1 got to watch one of the special DVDs (could be a toy, book etc) - basically a new thing that only gets had during feeding. This meant feeding the baby was a bit of a treat time for DC1 as well. Every child is different, but DC1 seemed generally fine and was also quite curious about the baby and would sit next to him when he was in his bouncer.

When DC2 started crawling it annoyed DC1 at first as the baby would follow him around, but once he was toddling DC1 actually loved having a little buddy. They’re 6yo and 4yo now, share a room and play together loads (with the occasional disagreement, as you’d expect!).

I feel exactly the same OP. DS is 3 and I'm 16 weeks with our second. He really is a Mummy's boy atm and wants constant attention from me. He's exited and interested in the idea of the baby but I really worry about how the reality of it will hit him. He'll also be starting school in September so he's going to have two big changes within a few months.

I look at him and think how could I love another child the same, he's by far the most important part of my life, and yet I'm going to be splitting myself, my attention, my priority, my love between two of them now

I also feel guilty for the second as DS was my priority from the day I got my BFP, but this one will never be in the same way as they'll never be an 'only'.

I have two years between my boys - honestly even though they are so different they are partners in crime and I have never had any problems Over jealousy etc. But like you I had all the same feelings etc whilst pregnant and now I am due my second girl
I feel the same for her again too! Totally normal and it always works out!

I could of written this post myself and wrote something similar when I found out we were expecting our second . Our DS is only 16 months old and I'm 30 weeks with DD.
I don't have any advice but just wanted to say you are definitely not alone and I have spent many times these past few months sobbing at the fact I'm about to change his whole world and the guilt that goes with that !! Xx

This is utterly and completely normal and I even wrote a thread very much like this just a few weeks ago! I'm 21 weeks pregnant and my DS is 23 months and has a bit of a speech delay so he's not really understanding when we try to tell him about the baby. We were actively TTC but the day I found out I was pregnant I cried and felt really down for about 3 weeks and just wasn't excited - all because I just felt so bad for my son as I thought he'd be confused and hurt and I wondered how I'd love another baby as much as him.
It went away though after my 12 week scan and since I've started feeling her move. You will get through it!

I experienced this too. Think it's pretty common and totally understandable. You're giving him a friend and play partner in the long term and it's so lovely to have a sibling

I am feeling this very much as well, my son is only 10 months and Im due my second 2 weeks after his 1st birthday! As he is still a baby I feel he needs my care and attention at all times and am worried at how I will cope with a newborn and spreading the Mummy love!!

Thank you all for such great advice. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling good like this and the tips from those of you which have already have experience are really helpful. @barkinatthemoon I will definitely be using some of the ideas you mentioned.

I have always thought about it as if I'm taking something away from DS1 (time, attention etc) but reading some of these posts I definitely have a different perspective and realise he is actually gaining something so precious. I don't think I will completely feel guilt free until the baby is born but in the meantime I'm going to enjoy our last bit of time together just the two of us. Hope you mums in the same position feel the same.

I will definitely sleep better tonight

@blondeirishmummy84 wow that's such a close age gap! How amazing. You are a brave lady

@SuzieBishop I completely understand DS1 is also slightly delayed in his speech so kind of looks at me blankly when I talk about the baby! Hopefully nearer the time his understanding will improve xx

@Zoe2411 it's so hard isn't it. Hope this thread has helped reassure you as much as me that everything should be ok

@Zoe2411 it's so hard isn't it. Hope this thread has helped reassure you as much as me that everything should be ok

@Zoe2411 it's so hard isn't it. Hope this thread has helped reassure you as much as me that everything should be ok

Hi OP, just to add I felt completely the same as you but DS2 is now 14 months and DS1 just loves him so much. They are adorable together. In fact DS1 who was 2 years 8 months when his brother arrived was telling me yesterday about the first time he met his brother and held him and the toy DS2 had brought him! If no one else has already suggested it a beautifully wrapped present with a big bow from baby is great, we bought some Playmobil we knew he wanted, really helped. I was also told to give more attention to your eldest as baby won't remember being left to cry for a minute or two but a toddler will.

DS1 one told me the other day he loved his brother so much he wanted me to 'lay' a couple more babies ;)

Truly try to enjoy all of it - special times Xxx

Thank you @Courtneybrown is nice to hear your two get on so well. Do you know DC4 gender? 3 boys already I can imagine you are worn out lol. Xx

@Lymphy your post was very helpful. Thank you. Would you advise waiting until I'm home from hospital to Introduce them? Where DS1 wouldn't have to leave? ( assuming I have a straight forward birth and and home pretty soon that is) but there introduction is something that has also been playing on my mind! I did read something which says don't have DC2 in your arms when DC1 is meeting them for the first time. Pick up dc1 and both look at dc2 together? Any thoughts on this? Xx