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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Not Telling Family I'm Pregnant

41 replies

AC14255 · 02/01/2019 07:21

I'm 28, my husband and I have been married for 3 years, and I'm 7 months pregnant with our first baby. I'm struggling with whether or not to tell my family.

This will be their first grandchild and on the whole I've had a great relationship with my family. However, when I was younger, I was very vocal about how it was irresponsible to have children since the world is overpopulated already and this adds to using up the Earth's resources and neglecting children who need homes already. I still feel very guilty about abandoning my convictions to plan this baby. My family tend to hang on to what I'd said when I was younger and use it to make fun of me when I've changed my opinions over the years. It's little, but they're regular jokes and they sting. I don't want to add to the ammo.

I am also incredibly self-conscious about my baby bump (I've always been slim and seeing how big I've got is hard for me), and don't want my family to see me this fat. Right now I'm leaning on not telling anyone until I've had the baby and lost the baby fat, however long that might be.

More over, apart from my sister and father, my family have told me that they aren't really "baby people," so I don't see why they'd pounce to know the information or want to come see the baby until s/he's a few months old anyway. I live overseas, so it's easy enough to keep them physically away, and I've been telling them that life has just been busy lately and we'll work out a visit in a few months.

My husband and I recently moved somewhere new and so I don't have friends in this area. I've not told any friends from back home. Only my husband's parents and grandparents know and I've told them not to share the information on social media, since we're "waiting for the right time" to tell my family. My husband thinks it's all silly and wants to announce, but I'm not ready to face my family's criticism and jokes at my expense. Frankly, part of me wants to keep it a secret so that later, when they find out, they feel bad for making those hurtful comments and maybe learn from it. I know that's harsh. Still I love them and don't want to hurt them. It just feels like hurt or be hurt. Sorry for the long post.

How would you feel if your daughter kept a grandchild a secret from you for that long?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NonaGrey · 02/01/2019 07:30

Still I love them and don't want to hurt them

You have already hurt them. You are seven month pregnant. It’s going to be pretty hard for most people to understand why you haven’t told them before now.

Vocal statements made by teenagers are commonly family teasing fodder, you do seem extremely sensitive about this.

Very, very few people hold the same opinions about everything at 30 as they did at 15. By 45 you’ll have changed your mind again. We learn from our life experiences, our views are shaped by our lives.

I’d be stunned if any of your family genuinely expected that you’d remain childfree because of views you spouted when you were younger.

Please tell them now, they will be incredibly hurt if you wait until after the baby is born. And the idea about waiting until you lose the baby weight is madness

If you don’t tell them you risk permanently impacting your relationship with them.

physicskate · 02/01/2019 07:34

This is a very strange thing to do. You're an adult!! You're allowed to change your mind! So you'd have a child and then rock up and say 'surprise!'?? I'd be pretty upset if I was your family because you couldn't tell me about this.

In later years it also make the child feel less bonded/ welcome in the family when they hear (and they will hear!!!) that they were a secret for a year (from conception) or so.

Talk to a counsellor, but I'd advise you to share the news.

purplerainbows · 02/01/2019 07:46

I always said very loudly to anyone who asked that I didn't want children, up until about 5 years ago. Because I didn't, but things change and I now have a one year old and another one on the way. People were surprised when I got pregnant the first time, but didn't say anything nasty.

The whole being fat in front of your family is a really weird thing to worry about!

NonaGrey · 02/01/2019 07:48

By the way. Pregnant does not equal “fat”.

No one looks at a pregnant woman and thinks she is “fat”.

greendale17 · 02/01/2019 07:51

**You have already hurt them. You are seven month pregnant. It’s going to be pretty hard for most people to understand why you haven’t told them before now.

Vocal statements made by teenagers are commonly family teasing fodder, you do seem extremely sensitive about this.**

^This

WinkysTeatowel · 02/01/2019 07:56

Also, it could take you 6-9 months to lose the baby weight (or longer). It would be very odd to suddenly announce, by the way I have a one year old...

heiheithechicken · 02/01/2019 08:11

Sorry but you sound very immature.

squee123 · 02/01/2019 08:22

this is the most batshit crazy thing I've heard in a long time. I clicked on this thread expecting it to be about not wanting to tell parents that you were NC with because of abuse or similar, not keeping it a secret because of some affectionate teasing.

Tbh I'd find it pretty hard to forgive what you've done so far, let alone if you keep it a secret any longer.

I suggest you look into some counselling to explore why you're treating your planned for baby like some kind of dirty secret.

Bamchic · 02/01/2019 08:27

Are you okay op. I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant and I had severe psychiatric issues.
Have you told anyone

harrypotterfan1604 · 02/01/2019 08:29

If you were my family I’d already be incredibly hurt by not being told.
Your going to be somebody’s mother nows the time to grow up and stop caring about what people think about you. There will be so many times in your life when people judge you but you have to learn to shake it off or you’ll end up with a child that’s got the same anxiety as you and surely you don’t want that.
Pregnancy is not fat, nobody wants to gain weight but your growing a tiny human inside you of course your body is going to change. It’s magical what our bodies can do and honestly a blessing be proud of your baby body!
I think you also have to consider the child, imagine in years to come when someone slips up and says your mum didn’t tell us she was expecting you, we knew nothing about you too you were 6 months old he/she will be horrified. It’s like your ashamed when in reality you should be super proud of yourself and wanting to sing it from the rooftops.
Perhaps some anxiety counselling may help?

KitKat1985 · 02/01/2019 08:29

Sorry but this is ridiculous. Since you say you generally have a "great relationship with your family" I think they are going to be very hurt that you never told them you are pregnant with your first grandchild, especially as you are now so far along. I think waiting until the baby is born (or several months old) to tell them, is an awful idea. Please just tell them now.

CountessVonBoobs · 02/01/2019 08:30

Yeah. This is very weird, and it's about you, not them. They never seriously thought you would remain childless because of the world's resources blah blah. It's the kind of stupid shit that teenagers regularly spout and adults ignore.

They are going to be very very hurt already when they find out that you concealed a new human being - a member of their family - from them.

GinIsIn · 02/01/2019 08:30

I think you need to talk to your midwife - this isn’t normal behaviour. You have to tell them and it’s already gone too far to not cause upset. What’s the alternative - lock the child in a cupboard whenever they visit? Never see them again? I think you should perhaps ask for a referral to the antenatal MH midwife.

KitKat1985 · 02/01/2019 08:31

^'with their* first grandchild' that should say.

Footle · 02/01/2019 08:38

Way to make your child feel like a mistake! This is sad.

SinkGirl · 02/01/2019 08:39

OP, I’m quite worried about you - unless there’s a big dripfeed coming about child abuse, this is an extreme overreaction and it makes me worry for your mental health. The weight issue concerns me even more - I have had eating disorders in the past and I really struggled with being pregnant. Now I look back and realise it wasn’t healthy but fortunately I managed to get on top of it.

My twins are now 27 months old and due to hormonal issues I am much bigger than I was and it has taken me a year to lose 10lb. I have at least another stone to lose. If I were waiting to lose the baby weight I wouldn’t have told anyone yet!

I don’t have much family (only my two siblings) and it’s been so hard without family support. Please tell them. You’re aren’t fat, and trust me, nobody else cares about your body really.

SoyDora · 02/01/2019 08:45

I think your family are already going to be hurt that you are 7 months pregnant and haven’t yet told them.
I think your reasons are, well, odd. So what if they tease you a little? Surely it wouldn’t go much beyond ‘you’ve changed your tune!’ Or something like that? And not wanting them to see you ‘fat’? You’re not fat, you’re pregnant. Bodies change. They know this. Are they/you particularly appearance obsessed?

SalmonLeBon · 02/01/2019 08:49

Be kind, people! There is probably a much bigger picture here and OP has only disclosed snippets. I am 46, and still carry emotional scars from relentless teasing about long since abandoned opinions and lifestyle/career choices that don't align with expectations. My father is a vicious bully, who never lets things go. I only remain in contact for my mother's sake. OP is already conflicted about being pregnant in an overpopulated world and does not need a nasty MN pile in. Stop the name calling and mental health derogatory terms

OP, you do need to tell your family, but I would suggest speaking with a counsellor first. Do you think you may have pre-natal depression at all? Would a trip to the GP be in order? Above all, take care of yourself and try to enjoy your pregnancy.

Wordie · 02/01/2019 09:18

‘Frankly, part of me wants to keep it a secret so that later, when they find out, they feel bad for making those hurtful comments and maybe learn from it.’

So you are using your baby as revenge because of comments they’ve made years ago? This is very weird! I would definitely try and speak to someone about how you feel, not just about announcing your pregnancy but the way you feel generally about your family and how they view you!

Flamingosnbears · 02/01/2019 09:19

Very strange... You need to tell them chances are they will be happy for you it's their first Grandchild after all, I should imagine they will realise you have matured since the comments you made as a child.

SonEtLumiere · 02/01/2019 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tentomidnight · 02/01/2019 09:29

In the kindest possible way, you are massively overthinking this.
Just email them with a scan picture, they will be ecstatic!
The good news is that once your baby arrives, you won’t have the time or energy for this type of self absorption.

GabbyGal · 02/01/2019 10:03

Based on how excited my mother is, she’d have been devastated if I waited until 7 months pregnant to tell her, nevermind waiting until losing weight and baby is a few months old, she’d never get over losing that time with her first grandchild.

Your logic is really weird OP. Why not tell them now and just explain that you didn’t tell them before because you were afraid they’d tease you over what you said when you were younger? Have the conversation.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 02/01/2019 10:10

I think you have an extremely strange way of thinking about pregnancy

GinUnicorn · 02/01/2019 16:31

OP honestly I wonder about getting counselling as this is it a healthy way of dealing with past teasing and could cause a real family rift.

Can you imagine if your child did the same to you? You would be understandably devastated. I don’t have the easiest relationship with my family but would never consider something like this. I really do think you may need to speak to someone about where these feelings come from.

Right now you can announce and just say you wanted to announce last minute because you were worried about everything being healthy. It might cause a little bit of hurt but a lot less than concealing your child.

I hope you are able to deal with whatever causes these feelings and wish you and the baby all the best.

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