Not Telling Family I'm Pregnant

[AC14255]

I'm 28, my husband and I have been married for 3 years, and I'm 7 months pregnant with our first baby. I'm struggling with whether or not to tell my family.

This will be their first grandchild and on the whole I've had a great relationship with my family. However, when I was younger, I was very vocal about how it was irresponsible to have children since the world is overpopulated already and this adds to using up the Earth's resources and neglecting children who need homes already. I still feel very guilty about abandoning my convictions to plan this baby. My family tend to hang on to what I'd said when I was younger and use it to make fun of me when I've changed my opinions over the years. It's little, but they're regular jokes and they sting. I don't want to add to the ammo.

I am also incredibly self-conscious about my baby bump (I've always been slim and seeing how big I've got is hard for me), and don't want my family to see me this fat. Right now I'm leaning on not telling anyone until I've had the baby and lost the baby fat, however long that might be.

More over, apart from my sister and father, my family have told me that they aren't really "baby people," so I don't see why they'd pounce to know the information or want to come see the baby until s/he's a few months old anyway. I live overseas, so it's easy enough to keep them physically away, and I've been telling them that life has just been busy lately and we'll work out a visit in a few months.

My husband and I recently moved somewhere new and so I don't have friends in this area. I've not told any friends from back home. Only my husband's parents and grandparents know and I've told them not to share the information on social media, since we're "waiting for the right time" to tell my family. My husband thinks it's all silly and wants to announce, but I'm not ready to face my family's criticism and jokes at my expense. Frankly, part of me wants to keep it a secret so that later, when they find out, they feel bad for making those hurtful comments and maybe learn from it. I know that's harsh. Still I love them and don't want to hurt them. It just feels like hurt or be hurt. Sorry for the long post.

How would you feel if your daughter kept a grandchild a secret from you for that long?

AC I hope our responses haven’t upset you.

Babies bring joy. To everyone. Even to people to aren’t “baby people”.

Your family will be pleased for you. Because they love you.

And they love you regardless of your opinions or your figure.

Take a deep breath and give them a call. Say you were nervous about the pregnancy so you held off telling people.

Tell them now. It will be hard, and probably cause some upset, but almost definitely less upset all round than if you were to tell them after you'd had the baby (and lost the baby weight - that doesn't happen immediately.)

Honestly - how do you think they would react if you told them out of nowhere that you had a 3 month old, or a 6 month old?

Are you ok, OP? You sound very lonely, and it doesn't seem like you have a great support system. Do you have a particularly bad history with your family outside of the teenage comments (who doesn't say something opinionated as a youth that they later come to disagree with?)

I'm so sorry to sound blunt but I second asking to see the MH midwife. This is not a common thing to be concerned about, and keeping your child a secret until you have lost pregnancy weight will be damaging to you, baby, and your family. One of the first questions they ask at the booking appointment is do you have a good support network and if you strip that away from yourself, it will have a big effect on you and your relationships. Pregnancy and parenthood are hard enough without adding additional stress factors, where we can help it.

Nobody thinks pregnant women are fat.
Nobody cares what you said a few years ago about resources, as we change our minds based on our circumstances.

Please seek a bit of support here x

Wow steady on judge Judy's. The OP's not automatically got mental health issues because she doesn't want to tell her family she's pregnant, she lives overseas it's not like she's been hiding out round the corner for months. No I wouldn't have personally kept it quiet this long but she has a supportive husband and a separate life from her family obviously. You don't know that this would hurt her family either, it might hurt your family but some people really wouldn't be phased and she's described how they make her feel rubbish about things, you don't know if there is more to this than that. Telling her she needs to grow up as becoming a mother when you're being that harsh on an adult thread from behind your screen is very rich.

Anyway OP, you know how you feel but I'd give them a chance and they'll probably surprise you. If not you don't have to see them. The best way is honesty though surely as the anticipation of their reaction is building for you to something it may not be. They may not be upset you've kept quiet until now, my parents wouldn't dwell on it I'm sure but I think it could be a bigger deal and more of a lifetime joke if you wait until after the birth. I don't know how much weight you've gained but don't worry about that until baby is here, eat well and keep active by all means. It's not abnormal to dislike changes in your body as long as you remain healthily eating and rational over it, you know you will continue to gain weight until the birth but it's not long term and you're nearly there. I hope you're OK, you have probably stopped reading based on all the nasty comments but if you haven't you're not in a hopeless situation as you say in general you have a good relationship, sounds like you have a supportive family on your husbands side too. Take care of you. X

Thank you for you responses, especially the positive lot.

Maybe instead of talking to them you could write it out and send them an email, or an old-fashioned letter.

Counselling sounds like a good option for you to process some of this (I know I've always found it ultimately helpful, if very difficult at times). Then you won't hear any initial reactions and you can say your piece without interruption?

My cousin kept her pregnancy secret until 7 months. She was 16 and in massive denial. Her parents approached her in the end (and this was 30 years ago now).

Family don't have a 'right' to know if you are pregnant OP, by the way. It is your body, your baby and entirely up to you when to tell them.

I also don't think you are mentally unwell!

I know exactly where you are coming from regarding struggling with a bump. I am pregnant with my fifth and always been proud of my slim figure, each time I have gone through pregnancy, I have struggled with the weight gain and I have not ever had an eating disorder. It's okay to feel that way! The positives to remember are that it happens because you are growing a baby, the most precious thing you will ever do, it's temporary and you can lose the weight once babe is here, when you are ready.

I was very opinionated as a young adult. I imagine I was probably annoying as hell, spouting my beliefs here there and everywhere. I am embarrassed looking back too, but you live and you learn. I suspect you have low self esteem which is why your families jokey comments actually hurt.

Ultimately, it's up to you to share your news, however when babe arrives, you may find you are glad of the extra support!

I think the longer you leave it the harder it will be for you to tell them and the bigger the impact will be. You're building it up in your head to be worse than it may be. Just tell them as soon as you can xx

You think you won't love your baby because your family might tease you? Please have a chat with your MW, it sounds like your pregnancy isn't helping your mental health and that may mean you are more vulnerable to PND once baby arrives...much better to start establishing support now (and not need it) than struggle post-natally.
Pregnancy is a very odd time for many woman and the effects can sort of creep up on you unnoticed until you suddenly realise you have bigger issues than you thought. Please take care of yourself and build some good support, even if that doesn't include your family for now.

Bite the bullet and tell them. I'm sure whatever their reaction you will feel better.

They are grown ups, they know you will change your mind on things. It's a baby, a new family member. Even if they aren't baby fans they will be happy to know your family is starting. You are a woman in your late 20's who is settled with her partner. I'm sure they will be happy and supportive.

Tell your friends too. My husband had a friend who only told him a few weeks after his son was born, we just thought that was a bit odd, no hard feelings but if be upset if it was a family member.

Congratulations. You will have enough on your mind thinking about a baby coming, tick this one off your list, I'm sure it will all be fine.

Re the body thing perhaps speak to someone a GP should be able to recommend someone if you don't have a friend. It's quite normal to feel a bit strange about all the changes but if its worrying you try and talk it out.

Take care

Sorry to say but just grow up and tell them. Who cares about what you said when you were younger! So what if they make fun, youre having a baby and there are more things to worry about.

I totally understand the body issue OP had anorexia on and off for years. Again I’d advise speaking to someone about this as it’s tough to beat without support.

Maybe rehearse telling your mum on the phone. I think it sounds like you need a bit of non judgmental support right now and she might surprise you.

I wish I could just give you a hug from your posts.

I do feel the longer you leave this the more it’s going to build up for you making it harder to tell. Sharing your lovely news might be a relief.

Good luck with everything - you can do this and there is no shame in asking for support.

I presume your close if you talk to your mum twice a week.
Maybe call her and say
“Mum, I need to tell you something important. I haven’t told you before because I’m nervous about everyone’s reaction. Especially when they throw up things from my youth. I’m going to tell you and ask you to let the rest of the family know but please ask them not to call me unless they can be positive and gentle as I’m feeling fragile.”
Then break the news.
If it’s easier, put it in an email.

Could your DH help here? Go on speakerphone or join a FaceTime and he could tell your Mum for you?

Families do have a tendency to worry about big changes in our lives but a baby isn’t like a move or a job change. It’s not a decision that they can influence- you are already pregnant.

Love for your baby isn’t like anything else - no amount of rude comments from anyone is going to make you resent your child.

Having a new baby can be very hard work though - support from your Mum (perhaps a visit?) might be a wonderful support.

How’s about, instead of bashing the OP, think about how the hell her family have treated her in the past for her to want to keep news like this from them??
I doubt that the op would’ve kept this a secret if she felt as though she had a supportive family who wouldn’t question her morals, past beliefs or poke fun at her because she’s pregnant and her shape has changed. This sounds to me as though it’s stems from being belittled and made to feel judged and stupid in the past.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant right now and only told my mum a couple of weeks ago, I know it’s not as extreme as 7 months but it’s because I felt judged. I had a MC back in June and I’d told her about that pregnancy at 7 weeks. She blamed me for the MC and was vile towards me afterwards. I didn’t want to tell her until after 20 weeks but was left with no choice as id started to show.

There's more going on here than what you're telling us. And that's fine, you don't have to dive into your personal issues on here. But it's obvious that there are deeper reasons why you've kept this secret - you don't hide a pregnancy from your parents for 7 months just because of some teasing.

Maybe it's worth speaking to a professional about your feelings to see if you can get to the bottom of these issues. And yes, your family are going to be shocked and probably upset that you've kept it a secret for so long, but ultimately it is your decision what you do. You've got enough on your plate with the pregnancy without stressing out about their feelings too.

Hope all works out ok for you xx